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How did you find your way out of bed this morning?
I don't post many stories of my own because it's usually a while between sucktomers & I forget... But this morning's just been a flurry of f*ckwittery, so I thought I'd start a thread to document the highlights.
Hello, Wall.
Hello. HELLO! Yes, you, on the other side of the glass. You actually do need to talk to me; I can't make any assumptions, because 60% of the time I'm wrong every time. You are responsible for telling me why you're putting your ticket on the counter, how much of that excessively large note I'm meant to put onto your Oyster pass, which route & time you want if there's a cheaper option you're expecting to use, all that kind of stuff. If you have a discount card that you suspect may give you a cheaper fare, it's up to you to not only show it to me (or at least tell me about it), but to do so before paying for the more expensive ticket; I may be able to cancel the wrong one, but if your finances are tight (and who isn't emptying their account down to the last penny nowadays?) then you may encounter difficulties paying for the second transaction as the hold on funds caused by the first sale won't be cleared for hours, maybe days...
Oh, and please/thank you don't go amiss either.
How did you find your way out of bed this morning?
What's that you say - you're going to Pigeon Street? That's great; where is it? Oh, you don't know. Don't I know? Why no, I'm afraid I don't. I am trapped in this glass box for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week; I don't get much opportunity to tour the country looking for all the Pigeon Streets. Perhaps you could call the number on the top of that bit of paper you keep waving at me & ask the person you're going to see where the hell they are, perhaps just ask them for the nearest station so that I might try & work out your route for you. No I can't just sell you "a ticket", not without knowing where you're going. Nor can I give you directions or tell you what time your train will be, because without you giving me that one seemingly insignificant piece of information, I do not in fact know which train you should catch.
That don't impress me much.
Congratulations. No really, I am very pleased that in this time of economic austerity, you have been lucky enough to save up £20. You're part of an elite group... Sadly, every other member of the group has already been through already this morning, so I'm afraid you're going to have to accept this handful of shrapnel in lieu of a note in your change. Yes, I do appreciate how inconvenient it is; I'll be hearing that same speech from everyone else for the next 3 hours until I can get some more £5 & £10 notes from the bank when they open. Perhaps you could hang on to some of this loose change I've given you, & use that tomorrow - or maybe you could have held onto the loose change I had to give you yesterday for the same reason, or on one of the countless other times over the previous months? No, I guess that is a bit much to ask. Oh well, see you tomorrow - I'll keep the pound coins warm for you!
Fly the friendly skies for less.
You're not doing so well in the current job market eh? Well, have no fear; to facilitate your attendance at job interviews, the government has provided you with this special pass to save you money on the buses! Actually no, I can't let you use that discount for your ticket to Dumbfuckistan - see there on the pass, where it says in big friendly letters: "Half Price Bus Travel"? Yes, I'm quite sure that means it doesn't apply to trains. Surprising, isn't it?
Familiarity breeds contempt; SCs generate it spontaneously.
Just had this one...
SC: I'd like a [cheap ticket that implicitly doesn't allow travel from our station].
Colleague: That's £X.XX, but you realise you can't go from here?
SC: Oh, why's that then?
C: Because we're not in the right area for that fare, as it says in the name.
SC: Are you sure?
You know, for the last 2 years our station has been so far outside that fare's applicable area that we got complacent; it turns out you're right - they moved the whole thing last night & I didn't even realise... Good job they moved all the connecting streets as well, or I'd never have been able to drive here this morning!
Wouldn't a helicopter have made better financial sense?
With rolling stock currently estimated at £1.2 million per carriage, for you to have bought that train must have cost you close to £10 million. With that kind of cash to spend I'm surprised to even need to work... Oh - OH, when you said "that's my train," what you actually meant was "I need to catch this train but was too lazy to get here in time." Strangely enough, while having to listen to you neep & nop about implied ownership did distract me slightly, my ticket printer only has one speed anyway and as such it is the primary bottleneck in this whole transaction. Well, that's if we don't count the fact that you seem to have forgotten how to make payment in a swift & decisive manner; if you hadn't spent 20 of the last 30 seconds staring at the train instead of typing in your PIN, you probably could have boarded "your" train before it left... I wonder who'll own the next train, due in 29 minutes?
Would you like to keep the carbon papers?
Since the introduction of credit cards in the 50s, huge advances have been made in technology. Chip-and-PIN technology has been around in some areas for well over a decade, and has been a staple of modern businesses in the UK for a good 5 years. There was a huge national advertising campaign, and some places won't even think about accepting a card that doesn't have a chip.
Like most high-turnover businesses, we have a fully integrated card reader & PIN pad located next to where you're standing. Look, it's right there at your elbow - on the other side of this pane of glass I'm trapped behind. Stop trying to pass your card through to me; I can't put your card in the machine for you, my arm doesn't bend in enough places. If I need to see it to swipe it, I'll say so; however, that will only happen IF the chip is so corrupt that it cannot be read by either of the machines in the office. And if you've not made your mark on the back of it for any reason, you're SOL; technically I could refuse to take it even if the chip works, because (as is explained in your bank's literature) the card is not valid unless signed.
...
And now it's my break time. Stop hammering on the glass, & go to the second window - you can tell that one's open because (unlike mine) the blind is up & you can see through it - I know it's confusing for you, but just try it... You may like it.
Hello, Wall.
Hello. HELLO! Yes, you, on the other side of the glass. You actually do need to talk to me; I can't make any assumptions, because 60% of the time I'm wrong every time. You are responsible for telling me why you're putting your ticket on the counter, how much of that excessively large note I'm meant to put onto your Oyster pass, which route & time you want if there's a cheaper option you're expecting to use, all that kind of stuff. If you have a discount card that you suspect may give you a cheaper fare, it's up to you to not only show it to me (or at least tell me about it), but to do so before paying for the more expensive ticket; I may be able to cancel the wrong one, but if your finances are tight (and who isn't emptying their account down to the last penny nowadays?) then you may encounter difficulties paying for the second transaction as the hold on funds caused by the first sale won't be cleared for hours, maybe days...
Oh, and please/thank you don't go amiss either.
How did you find your way out of bed this morning?
What's that you say - you're going to Pigeon Street? That's great; where is it? Oh, you don't know. Don't I know? Why no, I'm afraid I don't. I am trapped in this glass box for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week; I don't get much opportunity to tour the country looking for all the Pigeon Streets. Perhaps you could call the number on the top of that bit of paper you keep waving at me & ask the person you're going to see where the hell they are, perhaps just ask them for the nearest station so that I might try & work out your route for you. No I can't just sell you "a ticket", not without knowing where you're going. Nor can I give you directions or tell you what time your train will be, because without you giving me that one seemingly insignificant piece of information, I do not in fact know which train you should catch.
That don't impress me much.
Congratulations. No really, I am very pleased that in this time of economic austerity, you have been lucky enough to save up £20. You're part of an elite group... Sadly, every other member of the group has already been through already this morning, so I'm afraid you're going to have to accept this handful of shrapnel in lieu of a note in your change. Yes, I do appreciate how inconvenient it is; I'll be hearing that same speech from everyone else for the next 3 hours until I can get some more £5 & £10 notes from the bank when they open. Perhaps you could hang on to some of this loose change I've given you, & use that tomorrow - or maybe you could have held onto the loose change I had to give you yesterday for the same reason, or on one of the countless other times over the previous months? No, I guess that is a bit much to ask. Oh well, see you tomorrow - I'll keep the pound coins warm for you!
Fly the friendly skies for less.
You're not doing so well in the current job market eh? Well, have no fear; to facilitate your attendance at job interviews, the government has provided you with this special pass to save you money on the buses! Actually no, I can't let you use that discount for your ticket to Dumbfuckistan - see there on the pass, where it says in big friendly letters: "Half Price Bus Travel"? Yes, I'm quite sure that means it doesn't apply to trains. Surprising, isn't it?
Familiarity breeds contempt; SCs generate it spontaneously.
Just had this one...
SC: I'd like a [cheap ticket that implicitly doesn't allow travel from our station].
Colleague: That's £X.XX, but you realise you can't go from here?
SC: Oh, why's that then?
C: Because we're not in the right area for that fare, as it says in the name.
SC: Are you sure?
You know, for the last 2 years our station has been so far outside that fare's applicable area that we got complacent; it turns out you're right - they moved the whole thing last night & I didn't even realise... Good job they moved all the connecting streets as well, or I'd never have been able to drive here this morning!
Wouldn't a helicopter have made better financial sense?
With rolling stock currently estimated at £1.2 million per carriage, for you to have bought that train must have cost you close to £10 million. With that kind of cash to spend I'm surprised to even need to work... Oh - OH, when you said "that's my train," what you actually meant was "I need to catch this train but was too lazy to get here in time." Strangely enough, while having to listen to you neep & nop about implied ownership did distract me slightly, my ticket printer only has one speed anyway and as such it is the primary bottleneck in this whole transaction. Well, that's if we don't count the fact that you seem to have forgotten how to make payment in a swift & decisive manner; if you hadn't spent 20 of the last 30 seconds staring at the train instead of typing in your PIN, you probably could have boarded "your" train before it left... I wonder who'll own the next train, due in 29 minutes?
Would you like to keep the carbon papers?
Since the introduction of credit cards in the 50s, huge advances have been made in technology. Chip-and-PIN technology has been around in some areas for well over a decade, and has been a staple of modern businesses in the UK for a good 5 years. There was a huge national advertising campaign, and some places won't even think about accepting a card that doesn't have a chip.
Like most high-turnover businesses, we have a fully integrated card reader & PIN pad located next to where you're standing. Look, it's right there at your elbow - on the other side of this pane of glass I'm trapped behind. Stop trying to pass your card through to me; I can't put your card in the machine for you, my arm doesn't bend in enough places. If I need to see it to swipe it, I'll say so; however, that will only happen IF the chip is so corrupt that it cannot be read by either of the machines in the office. And if you've not made your mark on the back of it for any reason, you're SOL; technically I could refuse to take it even if the chip works, because (as is explained in your bank's literature) the card is not valid unless signed.
...
And now it's my break time. Stop hammering on the glass, & go to the second window - you can tell that one's open because (unlike mine) the blind is up & you can see through it - I know it's confusing for you, but just try it... You may like it.
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