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Not Miller or Hammer time thats for sure...
Oh man, this week was pretty special.
Egos
SC: "So will they send a limo around?"
….a limo? A LIMO? You just got of off an airline who’s tickets cost about the same as a large bag of cool ranch Doritos and booked a room at a hotel that's basically just like a closet with a mattress on the floor and you're expecting a LIMO? Sure, they'll send a limo. In fact I'll drive it down there personally to get you then spend the rest of the evening rubbing your feet with sacred massage oils from India while I make soothing ocean noises with my mouth while you sleep. Then come morning I'll gently wake you and me and several attractive flight attendants from your airline will bath you and dress you in fine Chinese silks before we usher you back to the airport in your *limo*.
Will they send a limo around? NO. I'd tell you to get over yourself but you'd need mountain climbing gear and a Sherpa to guide you over that hurdle.
Steampowered
SC: "Looks like I'm already on your big computer."
Yes, yes you are. It runs on coal you know. It actually takes a team of over 20 men to keep shoveling coal into the CPU fast enough. They shovel for gigahertz.
Orderlines
SC: "Yeah, can I get the shitty hat-"
…I think you mean "shadey" but you're probably far closer to the truth then you realize.
867!
Me: "Can I have the product id?"
SC: "Its xxxx….then there's like a thing there….uh, then xx"
(sigh)….call it a dash or a line or something, anything. At least make an attempt at describing it. It’s the same symbol you use for subtraction in math…..well, actually I guess in that case then you've probably never seen one before in your entire life.
867!!
Me: "Do you have a PO box number?"
SC: "Uh, box 40"
Me: "40?"
SC: "box 30"
Me: "30?"
SC: "38."
Is that your final answer? Do you need a time out to think about it? It's ok, I can wait for a bit. If only because I take solace in the fact that while I may have to deal with this stupidity for a few minutes you'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life.
Maybe you should use one of your lifelines.
867!!!
Me: "and your area code?"
SC: "Oh, uh….Y0B-"
Me: "No, the area code for your phone number?"
SC: "Oh, uh, 867." (Danger, Will Robinson!)
Me: "Ok, and the postal code?"
SC: "Its uh…Y…uh….hang on. HEY WHATS OUR POSTAL CODE?!"
Me: "…."
SC: "(arguing in background) F**k you, what is it?"
Me: "…."
SC: "Ok, Y-0-B (*@$# you shut up!"
Me: "…."
SC: "(more arguing in background) Y-0-B, shut up the )*$@ up Roberta you're confusing me!"
Me: "….your postal code?"
SC: "Y0B xxx"
Me: "Ok"
She manages to actually place an order….then it all goes to hell again…
Me: "By credit or CoD?"
SC: "(arguing in background still) SHUT THE *&@# UP! How much is it?"
Me: "By credit card or CoD?" ( I can't give you a total till you tell me! )
SC: "What's the to-SHUT THE *&#@$ UP!"
Me: "….do you want to pay by credit card or CoD?"
SC: "Uh, wh-SHUT THE @#(*$&@ UP!"
Me: "….by credit or CoD?"
SC: "CoD"
Me: "Ok, it comes to $xxx and should take about 2 weeks."
SC: "Ok, thanks. YOU F&*$ING- <click>"
See!? I'm telling you the 867 area code was formed specifically to contain the shallow end of Canada's genepool. By gene "pool" I mean "Chipped blue plastic kid's wading pool from Walmart full of leaves and beer bottles". But you get the idea.
Orderlines 2
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "Uh, oh you're asking me hard questions now."
I am? Well I better warn you it’s only going to get more complicated from here on in. If you want to back out now I won't blame you. A dangerous road lays ahead and it’s not for the faint of heart ( or faint of brain in your case. ).
Skytrain Games
Isn't the Skytrain awesome? Where else can you play fun games like "Dear God, who or what smells like pickles, ketchup and BO?!" .
Btw, the answer was: the guy to my right clutching his groin with his left hand to protect it from his iPod….I don't know why the iPod is a threat to his groin. Perhaps he believes it admits gamma rays or something and he needs to protect his boy bits. Perhaps he thinks the Backstreet Boys will make him gay if he doesn't shield his man unit. Who knows?
A Subtitle! Sweet!
( This started as a wrong number... )
I made some guy's night by letting him in on the fact there's a <client outlet> in Vancouver. I mean this guy was estactic. Thus I am now "The Man". So that makes me…..erm….hmm…..crap, lemme check my notes…..Robert Keith the Homicidal Shapeshifting Call Center Jesus: The Man. Now if I can just get someone to call me "The Legend" my subtitle will be complete.
867!!!!
Me: "-and your phone number?"
SC: "3332."
Me: "…3332?"
SC: "Yeah"
Me: "There's more then four numbers in a phone number."
SC: "Uh…….wait ( moron huddle is called in the background to try and piece together the entire number )"
Me: "<waits patiently>"
I know this may come as a shock to you but phone numbers contain more then 4 digits. I have absolutely no idea how you thought 4 would be sufficient. I also can't comprehend why you'd need two other people to help you figure it out. But then again I've never had a taste for paint chips and I'm pretty sure my mom never dropped me on my head as a child ( Too hard anyway ). So I guess I'm already two steps ahead of you. Three if you include the fact I'm actually being paid to stay up this late, while you on the other hand are seriously awake at 3am because you want a friggan hat.
867!!!!!
Me: "And what would you like to order?"
SC: "Purse!"
Me: "……alright. What’s the product id?"
…and the whole call went like that. Shoes! Sweater! Another shirt! Cap! Another shoes! Yes, she actually said "Another shoes". I dunno, maybe she thinks this is some sort of game show and she needs to buzz in and yell her answer before the other contestants. Hell, maybe there are other "contestants" there because I can hear other slack jawed nocturnal denizens mulling around in the background.
...k
SC: "Oh, I'm going off my boyfriend."
…..um…..maybe you should hang up then? But thanks for sharing…..I guess.
To Protect and Serve
Caller wanted to know if our software works when the computer is off. Yes, that’s right. He wanted to know if the software would continue to run when the computer was turned off. Arrgghhh. Perhaps if it was coded by magic elves.
Best part? He was a cop! Yes, this is the man you're relying on when your life is in danger! I may as well just hurl myself in front a bus now and save him the trouble.
The Code
I do believe I contacted the wrong on call for <building name> last night. I bow my head in shame and promise to whip myself upon my arrival home. Afterwards I will resume my zealous pursuit of Tom Hanks and his fabulous hair.
Orderlines again
SC: "Is that all?"
Me: "Yep"
SC: "No!"
Me: "?!"
SC: "Sorry, I wasn't talking to you."
Um, can you put the personality that was placing the order back on the line, please? Thanks.
( No, I didn't hear anyone or thing else in the background and she didn't explain her outburst...just continued on with her order. )
Orderlines yet again
SC: "Bye bye….for now."
….for now? ….do I need to leave via the back exit when I get off work? The last thing I need at the end of a work day is to wake up sore and confused in the back alley missing my wallet and my underwear……...cus that was the worst birthday ever.
Property Management
SC: "Oh $@*$, who are you?! Do you understand my english?!"
I'm the only guy in this conversation whose doesn't lick Drain-O out of my kitchen sink as a past time apparently.
Tech Support
( Every software title this company makes is for tills/cash registers. )
Me: "What software do you have?"
SC: "Oh, I don't know….uh…"
Me: "…"
SC: "It's like a till."
Good Lord….what is that smell? <sniff> is that…..failure? It is too.
Answer me!
SC: "What's the fax number for the office?"
Me: "Its 604-"
SC: "Hold on <insert sounds of getting paper and pen>"
Why do you call and request information you're not prepared to take? Why, damn you? I demand answers! And possibly blood depending on your answer! Heck, blood anyway!
Omnipotence
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "xxx xxx"
Me: "Alert bay?"
SC: "Yeah, how did you know?! Did I tell you?!"
You doubt my omnipotence, mortal? Incur my wrath at your own risk for I will smite you for even the smallest transgressions! ….well, maybe not. If I truly possessed such power you would have burst into festive, colourful flames the second you touched the receiver.
Then after you collapsed in a charred, quivering pile your dog would devour as much of the evidence as it could stomach then bury the rest in the backyard behind the shed where you would quietly fulfill your ultimate destiny of fertilizing dandelions.
Do you know ANYTHING?
Me: "Where are you calling from?"
SC: "<company name>"
Me: "How do you spell that?
SC: "S-E……uh……I don't know I've never had to spell it before…."
Me: "…"
30 seconds later
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "604-……..uh……I've never had to call here before…."
Alright, time out for a sec. Lets try and make this easier. What DO you know? Tell me all three or four things you ARE aware of and maybe I can sort it out from there. Somewhere between your name and what you had for breakfast might just be a piece of information that’s actually somewhat useful. I'm not holding out too much hope but its our best bet at this point.
Security
Me: "Only thing I have there is the <hotel name> at the Pentagon"
SC: "Is that in a safe area?"
Me: "I would certainly hope so."
Of course it could also be sort of like being right next to ground zero should something happen. But you better book the room anyway. Otherwise the terrorists win.
A Pen!
Me: "Do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Where?"
Me: "….with you"
SC: "Yes."
Somehow I suspect if I asked "Do you have a brain there?" I'd get a tragically different answer.
I Hate the Internet
( This is the emergency line for a fishing club house/resort )
SC: "Do you have the number to <insert fishing rod manufacturer>?"
Me: "No, sorry."
SC: "You don't have it? But I saw them on your website on the Internet."
Me: "This is the afterhours line for emergencies. Its 2:30am."
SC: "I'm, sorry. I didn't know it was 2:30am."
Didn't know? Even if you're on the east coast its still only 5:30am on a Sunday morning. I think perhaps you aren't ready for the awesome power of the Internet yet. Lets scale you back down to a phonebook and a couple tin cans tied together with string. If you can handle that responsibility for a couple months maybe we'll give you your phone back. I don't think you'll be ready for the computer again for a few years though.
( Why is she even calling me? Can't she just look it up on the net? Argh! )
Elm Street
So I get a call for an emergency clean up crew at a certain prominent location downtown. I get all the info, call the On Call, give her the info ( Location, incident, work order number, call back #, details, etc. ) she takes it all down then tells me "Great, thanks I'll get a crew down there."
Over an hour later the original company calls back asking me wtf is going on because they've gotten no report back and no crew on site. Mildly baffled I call the on call again and this comedy gold ensued:
Me: "Hi, its Gravekeeper here again. I got another call from <company> regarding <incident>. They're requesting an update as they've gotten no report and no crew yet."
OC: "What?"
Me: "The call out from <company name> I called you a while ago with it?"
OC: "You did? When?"
Me: "At about, lets see, 4:43am."
OC: "What?! Oh shit, I thought that was all a DREAM!"
Does that make me some sort of CSR Freddy Krueger?
On a complete sidenote....as you guys keep telling me too ( As do family, friends and coworkers ) I'm seriously considering compiling all my CSR horror stories into a book. I'm gonna check with the higher ups and see what kind of details I need to omit to not mess up confidentiality or anything. ( Probably just what I already do here. )
Oh man, this week was pretty special.
Egos
SC: "So will they send a limo around?"
….a limo? A LIMO? You just got of off an airline who’s tickets cost about the same as a large bag of cool ranch Doritos and booked a room at a hotel that's basically just like a closet with a mattress on the floor and you're expecting a LIMO? Sure, they'll send a limo. In fact I'll drive it down there personally to get you then spend the rest of the evening rubbing your feet with sacred massage oils from India while I make soothing ocean noises with my mouth while you sleep. Then come morning I'll gently wake you and me and several attractive flight attendants from your airline will bath you and dress you in fine Chinese silks before we usher you back to the airport in your *limo*.
Will they send a limo around? NO. I'd tell you to get over yourself but you'd need mountain climbing gear and a Sherpa to guide you over that hurdle.
Steampowered
SC: "Looks like I'm already on your big computer."
Yes, yes you are. It runs on coal you know. It actually takes a team of over 20 men to keep shoveling coal into the CPU fast enough. They shovel for gigahertz.
Orderlines
SC: "Yeah, can I get the shitty hat-"
…I think you mean "shadey" but you're probably far closer to the truth then you realize.
867!
Me: "Can I have the product id?"
SC: "Its xxxx….then there's like a thing there….uh, then xx"
(sigh)….call it a dash or a line or something, anything. At least make an attempt at describing it. It’s the same symbol you use for subtraction in math…..well, actually I guess in that case then you've probably never seen one before in your entire life.
867!!
Me: "Do you have a PO box number?"
SC: "Uh, box 40"
Me: "40?"
SC: "box 30"
Me: "30?"
SC: "38."
Is that your final answer? Do you need a time out to think about it? It's ok, I can wait for a bit. If only because I take solace in the fact that while I may have to deal with this stupidity for a few minutes you'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life.
Maybe you should use one of your lifelines.
867!!!
Me: "and your area code?"
SC: "Oh, uh….Y0B-"
Me: "No, the area code for your phone number?"
SC: "Oh, uh, 867." (Danger, Will Robinson!)
Me: "Ok, and the postal code?"
SC: "Its uh…Y…uh….hang on. HEY WHATS OUR POSTAL CODE?!"
Me: "…."
SC: "(arguing in background) F**k you, what is it?"
Me: "…."
SC: "Ok, Y-0-B (*@$# you shut up!"
Me: "…."
SC: "(more arguing in background) Y-0-B, shut up the )*$@ up Roberta you're confusing me!"
Me: "….your postal code?"
SC: "Y0B xxx"
Me: "Ok"
She manages to actually place an order….then it all goes to hell again…
Me: "By credit or CoD?"
SC: "(arguing in background still) SHUT THE *&@# UP! How much is it?"
Me: "By credit card or CoD?" ( I can't give you a total till you tell me! )
SC: "What's the to-SHUT THE *&#@$ UP!"
Me: "….do you want to pay by credit card or CoD?"
SC: "Uh, wh-SHUT THE @#(*$&@ UP!"
Me: "….by credit or CoD?"
SC: "CoD"
Me: "Ok, it comes to $xxx and should take about 2 weeks."
SC: "Ok, thanks. YOU F&*$ING- <click>"
See!? I'm telling you the 867 area code was formed specifically to contain the shallow end of Canada's genepool. By gene "pool" I mean "Chipped blue plastic kid's wading pool from Walmart full of leaves and beer bottles". But you get the idea.
Orderlines 2
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "Uh, oh you're asking me hard questions now."
I am? Well I better warn you it’s only going to get more complicated from here on in. If you want to back out now I won't blame you. A dangerous road lays ahead and it’s not for the faint of heart ( or faint of brain in your case. ).
Skytrain Games
Isn't the Skytrain awesome? Where else can you play fun games like "Dear God, who or what smells like pickles, ketchup and BO?!" .
Btw, the answer was: the guy to my right clutching his groin with his left hand to protect it from his iPod….I don't know why the iPod is a threat to his groin. Perhaps he believes it admits gamma rays or something and he needs to protect his boy bits. Perhaps he thinks the Backstreet Boys will make him gay if he doesn't shield his man unit. Who knows?
A Subtitle! Sweet!
( This started as a wrong number... )
I made some guy's night by letting him in on the fact there's a <client outlet> in Vancouver. I mean this guy was estactic. Thus I am now "The Man". So that makes me…..erm….hmm…..crap, lemme check my notes…..Robert Keith the Homicidal Shapeshifting Call Center Jesus: The Man. Now if I can just get someone to call me "The Legend" my subtitle will be complete.
867!!!!
Me: "-and your phone number?"
SC: "3332."
Me: "…3332?"
SC: "Yeah"
Me: "There's more then four numbers in a phone number."
SC: "Uh…….wait ( moron huddle is called in the background to try and piece together the entire number )"
Me: "<waits patiently>"
I know this may come as a shock to you but phone numbers contain more then 4 digits. I have absolutely no idea how you thought 4 would be sufficient. I also can't comprehend why you'd need two other people to help you figure it out. But then again I've never had a taste for paint chips and I'm pretty sure my mom never dropped me on my head as a child ( Too hard anyway ). So I guess I'm already two steps ahead of you. Three if you include the fact I'm actually being paid to stay up this late, while you on the other hand are seriously awake at 3am because you want a friggan hat.
867!!!!!
Me: "And what would you like to order?"
SC: "Purse!"
Me: "……alright. What’s the product id?"
…and the whole call went like that. Shoes! Sweater! Another shirt! Cap! Another shoes! Yes, she actually said "Another shoes". I dunno, maybe she thinks this is some sort of game show and she needs to buzz in and yell her answer before the other contestants. Hell, maybe there are other "contestants" there because I can hear other slack jawed nocturnal denizens mulling around in the background.
...k
SC: "Oh, I'm going off my boyfriend."
…..um…..maybe you should hang up then? But thanks for sharing…..I guess.
To Protect and Serve
Caller wanted to know if our software works when the computer is off. Yes, that’s right. He wanted to know if the software would continue to run when the computer was turned off. Arrgghhh. Perhaps if it was coded by magic elves.
Best part? He was a cop! Yes, this is the man you're relying on when your life is in danger! I may as well just hurl myself in front a bus now and save him the trouble.
The Code
I do believe I contacted the wrong on call for <building name> last night. I bow my head in shame and promise to whip myself upon my arrival home. Afterwards I will resume my zealous pursuit of Tom Hanks and his fabulous hair.
Orderlines again
SC: "Is that all?"
Me: "Yep"
SC: "No!"
Me: "?!"
SC: "Sorry, I wasn't talking to you."
Um, can you put the personality that was placing the order back on the line, please? Thanks.
( No, I didn't hear anyone or thing else in the background and she didn't explain her outburst...just continued on with her order. )
Orderlines yet again
SC: "Bye bye….for now."
….for now? ….do I need to leave via the back exit when I get off work? The last thing I need at the end of a work day is to wake up sore and confused in the back alley missing my wallet and my underwear……...cus that was the worst birthday ever.
Property Management
SC: "Oh $@*$, who are you?! Do you understand my english?!"
I'm the only guy in this conversation whose doesn't lick Drain-O out of my kitchen sink as a past time apparently.
Tech Support
( Every software title this company makes is for tills/cash registers. )
Me: "What software do you have?"
SC: "Oh, I don't know….uh…"
Me: "…"
SC: "It's like a till."
Good Lord….what is that smell? <sniff> is that…..failure? It is too.
Answer me!
SC: "What's the fax number for the office?"
Me: "Its 604-"
SC: "Hold on <insert sounds of getting paper and pen>"
Why do you call and request information you're not prepared to take? Why, damn you? I demand answers! And possibly blood depending on your answer! Heck, blood anyway!
Omnipotence
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "xxx xxx"
Me: "Alert bay?"
SC: "Yeah, how did you know?! Did I tell you?!"
You doubt my omnipotence, mortal? Incur my wrath at your own risk for I will smite you for even the smallest transgressions! ….well, maybe not. If I truly possessed such power you would have burst into festive, colourful flames the second you touched the receiver.
Then after you collapsed in a charred, quivering pile your dog would devour as much of the evidence as it could stomach then bury the rest in the backyard behind the shed where you would quietly fulfill your ultimate destiny of fertilizing dandelions.
Do you know ANYTHING?
Me: "Where are you calling from?"
SC: "<company name>"
Me: "How do you spell that?
SC: "S-E……uh……I don't know I've never had to spell it before…."
Me: "…"
30 seconds later
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "604-……..uh……I've never had to call here before…."
Alright, time out for a sec. Lets try and make this easier. What DO you know? Tell me all three or four things you ARE aware of and maybe I can sort it out from there. Somewhere between your name and what you had for breakfast might just be a piece of information that’s actually somewhat useful. I'm not holding out too much hope but its our best bet at this point.
Security
Me: "Only thing I have there is the <hotel name> at the Pentagon"
SC: "Is that in a safe area?"
Me: "I would certainly hope so."
Of course it could also be sort of like being right next to ground zero should something happen. But you better book the room anyway. Otherwise the terrorists win.
A Pen!
Me: "Do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Where?"
Me: "….with you"
SC: "Yes."
Somehow I suspect if I asked "Do you have a brain there?" I'd get a tragically different answer.
I Hate the Internet
( This is the emergency line for a fishing club house/resort )
SC: "Do you have the number to <insert fishing rod manufacturer>?"
Me: "No, sorry."
SC: "You don't have it? But I saw them on your website on the Internet."
Me: "This is the afterhours line for emergencies. Its 2:30am."
SC: "I'm, sorry. I didn't know it was 2:30am."
Didn't know? Even if you're on the east coast its still only 5:30am on a Sunday morning. I think perhaps you aren't ready for the awesome power of the Internet yet. Lets scale you back down to a phonebook and a couple tin cans tied together with string. If you can handle that responsibility for a couple months maybe we'll give you your phone back. I don't think you'll be ready for the computer again for a few years though.
( Why is she even calling me? Can't she just look it up on the net? Argh! )
Elm Street
So I get a call for an emergency clean up crew at a certain prominent location downtown. I get all the info, call the On Call, give her the info ( Location, incident, work order number, call back #, details, etc. ) she takes it all down then tells me "Great, thanks I'll get a crew down there."
Over an hour later the original company calls back asking me wtf is going on because they've gotten no report back and no crew on site. Mildly baffled I call the on call again and this comedy gold ensued:
Me: "Hi, its Gravekeeper here again. I got another call from <company> regarding <incident>. They're requesting an update as they've gotten no report and no crew yet."
OC: "What?"
Me: "The call out from <company name> I called you a while ago with it?"
OC: "You did? When?"
Me: "At about, lets see, 4:43am."
OC: "What?! Oh shit, I thought that was all a DREAM!"
Does that make me some sort of CSR Freddy Krueger?
On a complete sidenote....as you guys keep telling me too ( As do family, friends and coworkers ) I'm seriously considering compiling all my CSR horror stories into a book. I'm gonna check with the higher ups and see what kind of details I need to omit to not mess up confidentiality or anything. ( Probably just what I already do here. )
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