How *not * to order coffee

[PaperKitty]

I work at a fantastically wonderful locally owned coffeeshop.
It's 4 blocks from my house, so it is a part of my community
and it's not unusual to see my neighbors.

Most of our customers are regulars, or very nice people..
But some people who are
a. from out of town
b. mentally incapable of anything short of breathing
c. high on illegal substances
d. high & mighty
come in every so often.

1. I was working at another coffeeshop(same neighborhood) and it was 3 on a shift Me, R & J. We had just hit a lull in customers so we were getting things ready to close out our shift (milk stocked, things cleaned, ect). Well, this woman(SC) in her large floppy hat and over sized rings approaches the counter. With her is her son (Idiot momma's boy -IMB) and her daughter-in-law (poor sweet girl -PSG).
SC haughty-taughts her way up to the counter ...

Me: Hi wha..
SC: I want something cold with no calories!
PSG: what about water?
SC: DON'T say WATER to ME! That's what they drink in under developed countries.

*at this point i walk away from her and R takes over, I go to get IMB's order*
Me: Hi! What can I get for you?
IMB: blahblah TEA
mE: *gets drink, rings IMB up* it will be $$$
IMB: *hands money..recieves change..another successful transaction!!*
*IMB then starts to put a dollar in the tip jar on the counter.. until SC pipes up..
SC: Oh son! Don't! I already gave the baristas a dollar!
Me: Well, oh my! I can afford to live. *walks away*

SC to R: Im from California, we have better things to drink than water *high pitched snotty laugh*(not verbatim)
R to SC: Well, I rather live in some underdeveloped country then in a state that elects meatheads into high office.
*SC huffs and walks away.*

next story...

Me: Hey, how are you?
SC: MEDIUM DARK ROAST
Me: Meduim dark roast isn't an emotion. *walks away*

next story..

SC: I want that jelly donut
Me: Jelly donut, what?
SC: *points to Raspberry Croissant*
Me: Oh! Okay, Thats a raspberry croissant actually.
SC: Is it good?
Me: sure is!
SC: gimme that.
*transaction successfuL*
SC: *eats croissant* THIS DONT TASTE LIKE NO JELLY DONUT!
Me: ... well, it's not a jelly donut..
SC: YOU SAID THIS WAS GOOD.. THIS AINT GOOD. IT DONT TASTE LIKE A JELLY DONUT.
me: *blank -are you kidding- stare on my face*
SC: *walking out* THIS AINT NO JELLY DONUT!

I have lots more, but im sleepie.

[Pagan]

IMB: *hands money..recieves change..another successful transaction!!*

Have you been watching Saturday Night Live?

[PaperKitty]

no I haven't actually..

what did i miss?

[Imogene]

SC: YOU SAID THIS WAS GOOD.. THIS AINT GOOD. IT DONT TASTE LIKE A JELLY DONUT.
me: *blank -are you kidding- stare on my face*
SC: *walking out* THIS AINT NO JELLY DONUT!

Hmmm... This ain't no jelly donut almost sounds like a nice quote for a sig... if I hadn't just changed mine...

[PaperKitty]

You can use it it if you wish ..

[MCSledgehammer]

Doncha just love the folks who think the appropriate response to "Good morning!" is "Vanilla Latte!"? Or the ones who just can't live without their triple shot half-caff vanilla chocolate skim soymilk iced cappuchino, no foam (all said at top speed)? The rule is this, my friends: You are expected to tip an extra dollar for every adjective over 3 that applies to your beverage. And we want your first born if you tell us it's not as good as Starbucks. Which is located two blocks away. (No offense to any of you Starbucks peeps- you folks make some mighty fine chai.)

[BookstoreEscapee]

Like the people who'd stare in at us at 8:30 because they need their coffee...we open at 9. We're a bookstore that happens to have a café, not a coffee store that happens to have a booké ( I just made that one up; I'm so proud ). Starbucks is 2 minutes down the road, they sell the same stuff, and they're up at the same ungodly hour you are. Go there.
(There's also a breakfast/lunch place right behind us in the shopping center that opens at 7. Seriously, why do you go to a bookstore for your morning coffee?)

[myswtghst]

The folks at my local Taco Bell drive-thru are always shocked when I respond to their pleasant "How are you?" With "Fine, and yourself?" instead of starting my order.

Slightly OT/ My college campus had a Starbucks across a small side street from a bookstore with a Starbucks inside. I always thought that was a joke, not something that actually happened in real life.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Slightly OT/ My college campus had a Starbucks across a small side street from a bookstore with a Starbucks inside. I always thought that was a joke, not something that actually happened in real life.

There's a bit by a comedian whose name escapes me at the moment, about somewhere (I forget where) that has a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. And, sadly, no, I believe it's not a joke.

Lewis Black!! That's it!

[trunks2k]

How not to order coffee;

"Hi, I'd like a glass of apple juice please"

ba-da-chhhhhhh!

[BookstoreEscapee]

How not to order coffee;

"Hi, I'd like a glass of apple juice please"

ba-da-chhhhhhh!

I believe you are looking for this:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Me: Hi wha..
SC: I want something cold with no calories!
PSG: what about water?
SC: DON'T say WATER to ME! That's what they drink in under developed countries.

Hey, I drink water! Who knew I lived in an underdeveloped country?

[Tutorgal]

There's a bit by a comedian whose name escapes me at the moment, about somewhere (I forget where) that has a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. And, sadly, no, I believe it's not a joke.

Down in a square called Astor Place in Manhattan. There are two basically next to each other on adjacent areas bordering the square. Both are absolutely enormous. I'm not counting a third, either, as a Barnes & Noble borders the square in another area and has a Starbucks inside of it. So I guess technically you have 3 within several hundred feet.

[CrazedClerk]

That jelly donut thing sounds exactly like some kind of comedy bit.

[LemonZest]

There's a bit by a comedian whose name escapes me at the moment, about somewhere (I forget where) that has a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.

Orange County, California. There's one across the street from another one not far from my friend's house. When I think of the actual street name I'll come back and add it. All I can figure is they decided the one in the strip mall wasn't adequate because it doesn't have a drive-thru so built one on the opposite corner with one...and it's jammed every time I go by.

LZ, for whom no Staryucks need exist....that's some nasty coffee IMO.