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Sexual Harrassment Radius
For some reason I am unsettlingly desirable to our clientèle this week.
Preceding Reputations
Me: “Alright, I’ll get a hold of the tech for you and have him call you back there.”
C: “No! Don’t wake him up! He’s grumpy! Really really grumpy! He yells at me and talks to me like I'm 5!”
Ah, I see you have met him before then! Yet I fear the account directions command that I trek down this dangerous path whether either of us wants to or not. Whilst I imagine he’s quite grumpy by the time he calls you, keep in mind that I am the one that has to wander into the bear cave and prod it with a stick till it rouses to begin with. You only need fear his mood, I need fear that some night he’ll finally choose mauling over getting a pen and paper.
Musical Accompaniment
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that you and your company are….oh what’s a polite way to put it? Flailing wildly trying to ward off the swarm of bees that is natural selection? However, seeing as you called me, asked me to hold, then called me again on another line which I likewise answered, then told me to wait a sec while you connected me. Then proceeded to connect me to myself and then did not understand why GK #1 had put us on hold and wasn’t responding to your request to talk to GK #2……It really does raise some concerns about what exactly you were trying to accomplish and how exactly that was suppose to help accomplish it.
Unless your objective was for both of us to be able to enjoy my on hold music together. In which case, mission accomplished.
Please Get Off The Internet
( Oh my God I wish I was making this guy up ).
SC: “Uh, yeah I just got a confirmation to return an item and it said: Please print a copy of this email and include it with your return. But when I try to print it out it won’t print right. But when I go to your website and try an’ print the <item> the copy came right out.”
….So let me see if I have this straight: You can’t figure out how to print off the email properly and your questionable problem solving skills led you to the conclusion that if you can print a picture of the item from the website than that must mean there’s no problem with your email software’s settings or printer settings, clearly it’s just the email about the coat?
I must admit you have put me in a rather difficult position, sir. As the easiest and most direct explanation for your problem is that you are a god damn idiot. Other methods of trying to explain the issue would take too much time and you would not understand them anyhow. Yet, company policy tends to frown on directly informing callers they have the mental capacity of dish detergent. Thus it seems we are at an impasse here.
SC: “I don’ understand, you put some kinda lock on ma email or sumthin? When I go to your website and bring up the coat, it print it right out. But when I go to this email I can’t print it out right. I went to 5 different websites and I could print em all out but I can’t print your email!”
I…just…I don’t know what I can say to you. You’re just…too stupid to be involved with the technology you're currently trying to use. Even if we could “lock” your email, why on earth would we send you an email that says to print it out than lock your email to prevent you from printing it out? Also, your assertion that you can print out various websites in no way supports your incoherent theories on technology. Technology that you are alarmingly underqualified to be operating and should probably be legally barred from owning.
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s an issue with your email program. You’d have to contact them for support.”
SC: “I don’t think so! Cus I can print out websites but I can’t print out yo email right!”
…Please, sir, just trust me on this one. The more you attempt to argue from your limited grasp of the modern world the increasingly worse you look. The theory you are proposing is the computer equivalent of your blu-ray of Transformers 3 not playing and you reasoning out that it’s clearly Optimus Prime’s fault.
( He never did believe me either, just argued that I had done something to his email till he finally hung up... )
Confusion
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh, I guess so?”
You know its slowly becoming apparent that a good portion of my callers have absolutely no idea why they are calling me. I have no idea what clandestine force compels them to call in the dead of night, yet somehow they end up on the line with me and neither of us knows what it is they want. We both just sort of fidget uncomfortable for a minute or two before admitting that whatever unknown objective there was has obviously failed.
Its like running into a naked sleep walker in a public wash room. You both realise something is clearly wrong here, but neither of you can explain it and every moment spent trying to come up with an explanation is incredibly awkward. You're trying to figure out exactly what you're doing and why you're here, I'm trying to figure out a polite way to point out you're wearing a hand puppet on your junk.
This Is Alarmingly Common
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh……..order?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “I want make some order.”
Some day, I’ll actually make it through an entire week without speaking to at least one person who forms sentences like a cartoon Neanderthal.
Some day. <wistful sigh>
Well, Alright Then
Me: “Would you like to add both your names to the ticket?”
SC: “No, we’ll just settle it in court.”
...…It seems like it would be much cheaper to just sort it out now and avoid any problem all together. But it sounds like you already have a generous list of topics to discuss in court with your wife. So I guess I'll just leave you to it.
The Yard
SC: “Just send me the money, honey.”
……Will do, sir.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
The Foresaken Corner
All three of the would "rappers" are out there this evening doing…whatever it is they call what they’re doing. Glorious Leader was up first and once again borderline sexually harassing passing women. This……honestly seems to be about all he does now. As he quite loudly proclaimed his desire to both inappropriately touch and hopefully stick his penis in an unfortunate passing lady that caught his fancy. She rightfully fled across the street from him. This behavior seems to have whittled down what little hold out audience he had left as even the usual one to two drunken yahoos that stop to dance with him were curiously absent. Unsurprisingly, no one seems willing to enter the 10 foot Sexual Harassment Radius he has up now.
But it was as the painfully honest newcomer that once again stole the show this week. Launching into a surprisingly lengthy ballad about his inability to find a girlfriend. It went on for a good 6 or 7 verses and seemed alarmingly autobiographical. Detailing his efforts to find a job so that he could “buy honey’s jewelry” because “honey’s love jewelry” ( which seemed more like a desperate question than a statement ). But how that failed him because he is woefully unattractive and thus he undertook a quest to work out and bulk himself up for the “honeys”. But this too failed him and he still remains cold and lonely to this day.
I don't know where they found this guy, but everything he raps about seems like a desperate cry for help.
The Yard II
C: “Oh! I’m sorry, your voice was so musical I thought you were part of the recording.”
It would appear I still have some milkshake left over.
Friends Don't Let Friends Drink And Shop
Me: “And your phone number please, sir?”
SC: “Shevun….….......shix.....uh......shix”
Now, don’t take this the wrong way sir. But maybe, just maybe you’re not sober enough to be shopping. Perhaps it’s time you or one of your friends started being the designated shopper for the group. Just so in the future you can prevent accidents such as this one. You did, after all, proceed to order $860 worth of women’s clothing. Even despite my warnings ( and the numerous warnings plastered over every inch of the website ) that I could not offer you the clearance prices from the website as they were web only deals. A minor detail that literally added a good $400 to your order. But you were perfectly okay with a 200% price increase over what you expected to pay when I desperately attempted to identify the impending danger for you.
The Yard III
C: “Well, if I win, I hope you can come visit me.”
Clearly, I have made too much milkshake.
TMI
You know, when I asked what the problem was, I honestly only meant with your apartment. Not just in general. All I really needed to know was that you had no heat. For example I didn’t need to know that you were just getting over pneumonia, and you think you need to take a bladder pill and you have a curious pain in your side that only your electric blanket seems to help and that you don’t have any furniture near your bed so you can’t put the phone in your bedroom it has to stay in the kitchen and you don’t know why you’re talking so much you just feel chatty this evening and you thought you could make me laugh by talking about your crippling medical conditions but that obviously didn't work yet for some reason its not stopping you from talking so we're back to the topic of your bladder.
A simple “I don’t have any heat” would have sufficed really.
Multilingual
Now, while I may not technically be able to speak French, sir. I am Canadian and thus do know a little. Therefore I am most curious as to why you just called me a "hairy ball" and hung up on me.
Congratulations Are In Order
Me: “It looks like I only have that in stock I large.”
SC: “Oh….uh. Do have it in medium?”
I give up. No one in Nunavut seems to understand the word “Only”. No one. I have no idea why, but this seems to be a universal pandemic. What precisely causes this? What mysterious force has eliminated this word from the vocabulary of an entire territory? I mean you have a population of….er….wait, 31,000? That’s all? That’s a population density of 0.02 people per square KM. Dang.
You know what? I take that back. I’m sorry. With that sort of remoteness and population density “Fire” is probably still a recent invention. I should be proud of you for even having phones. In fact I’ve been looking at this the wrong way for years. I shouldn’t be criticizing you for being so far behind the rest of human civilization. I should be celebrating how far you’ve managed to get towards the rest of human civilization despite having an alarmingly shallow gene pool.
So congratulations! You’ve successfully dialed a phone number.
annnd rest.
Preceding Reputations
Me: “Alright, I’ll get a hold of the tech for you and have him call you back there.”
C: “No! Don’t wake him up! He’s grumpy! Really really grumpy! He yells at me and talks to me like I'm 5!”
Ah, I see you have met him before then! Yet I fear the account directions command that I trek down this dangerous path whether either of us wants to or not. Whilst I imagine he’s quite grumpy by the time he calls you, keep in mind that I am the one that has to wander into the bear cave and prod it with a stick till it rouses to begin with. You only need fear his mood, I need fear that some night he’ll finally choose mauling over getting a pen and paper.
Musical Accompaniment
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that you and your company are….oh what’s a polite way to put it? Flailing wildly trying to ward off the swarm of bees that is natural selection? However, seeing as you called me, asked me to hold, then called me again on another line which I likewise answered, then told me to wait a sec while you connected me. Then proceeded to connect me to myself and then did not understand why GK #1 had put us on hold and wasn’t responding to your request to talk to GK #2……It really does raise some concerns about what exactly you were trying to accomplish and how exactly that was suppose to help accomplish it.
Unless your objective was for both of us to be able to enjoy my on hold music together. In which case, mission accomplished.
Please Get Off The Internet
( Oh my God I wish I was making this guy up ).
SC: “Uh, yeah I just got a confirmation to return an item and it said: Please print a copy of this email and include it with your return. But when I try to print it out it won’t print right. But when I go to your website and try an’ print the <item> the copy came right out.”
….So let me see if I have this straight: You can’t figure out how to print off the email properly and your questionable problem solving skills led you to the conclusion that if you can print a picture of the item from the website than that must mean there’s no problem with your email software’s settings or printer settings, clearly it’s just the email about the coat?
I must admit you have put me in a rather difficult position, sir. As the easiest and most direct explanation for your problem is that you are a god damn idiot. Other methods of trying to explain the issue would take too much time and you would not understand them anyhow. Yet, company policy tends to frown on directly informing callers they have the mental capacity of dish detergent. Thus it seems we are at an impasse here.
SC: “I don’ understand, you put some kinda lock on ma email or sumthin? When I go to your website and bring up the coat, it print it right out. But when I go to this email I can’t print it out right. I went to 5 different websites and I could print em all out but I can’t print your email!”
I…just…I don’t know what I can say to you. You’re just…too stupid to be involved with the technology you're currently trying to use. Even if we could “lock” your email, why on earth would we send you an email that says to print it out than lock your email to prevent you from printing it out? Also, your assertion that you can print out various websites in no way supports your incoherent theories on technology. Technology that you are alarmingly underqualified to be operating and should probably be legally barred from owning.
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s an issue with your email program. You’d have to contact them for support.”
SC: “I don’t think so! Cus I can print out websites but I can’t print out yo email right!”
…Please, sir, just trust me on this one. The more you attempt to argue from your limited grasp of the modern world the increasingly worse you look. The theory you are proposing is the computer equivalent of your blu-ray of Transformers 3 not playing and you reasoning out that it’s clearly Optimus Prime’s fault.
( He never did believe me either, just argued that I had done something to his email till he finally hung up... )
Confusion
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh, I guess so?”
You know its slowly becoming apparent that a good portion of my callers have absolutely no idea why they are calling me. I have no idea what clandestine force compels them to call in the dead of night, yet somehow they end up on the line with me and neither of us knows what it is they want. We both just sort of fidget uncomfortable for a minute or two before admitting that whatever unknown objective there was has obviously failed.
Its like running into a naked sleep walker in a public wash room. You both realise something is clearly wrong here, but neither of you can explain it and every moment spent trying to come up with an explanation is incredibly awkward. You're trying to figure out exactly what you're doing and why you're here, I'm trying to figure out a polite way to point out you're wearing a hand puppet on your junk.
This Is Alarmingly Common
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Uh……..order?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “I want make some order.”
Some day, I’ll actually make it through an entire week without speaking to at least one person who forms sentences like a cartoon Neanderthal.
Some day. <wistful sigh>
Well, Alright Then
Me: “Would you like to add both your names to the ticket?”
SC: “No, we’ll just settle it in court.”
...…It seems like it would be much cheaper to just sort it out now and avoid any problem all together. But it sounds like you already have a generous list of topics to discuss in court with your wife. So I guess I'll just leave you to it.
The Yard
SC: “Just send me the money, honey.”
……Will do, sir.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
The Foresaken Corner
All three of the would "rappers" are out there this evening doing…whatever it is they call what they’re doing. Glorious Leader was up first and once again borderline sexually harassing passing women. This……honestly seems to be about all he does now. As he quite loudly proclaimed his desire to both inappropriately touch and hopefully stick his penis in an unfortunate passing lady that caught his fancy. She rightfully fled across the street from him. This behavior seems to have whittled down what little hold out audience he had left as even the usual one to two drunken yahoos that stop to dance with him were curiously absent. Unsurprisingly, no one seems willing to enter the 10 foot Sexual Harassment Radius he has up now.
But it was as the painfully honest newcomer that once again stole the show this week. Launching into a surprisingly lengthy ballad about his inability to find a girlfriend. It went on for a good 6 or 7 verses and seemed alarmingly autobiographical. Detailing his efforts to find a job so that he could “buy honey’s jewelry” because “honey’s love jewelry” ( which seemed more like a desperate question than a statement ). But how that failed him because he is woefully unattractive and thus he undertook a quest to work out and bulk himself up for the “honeys”. But this too failed him and he still remains cold and lonely to this day.
I don't know where they found this guy, but everything he raps about seems like a desperate cry for help.
The Yard II
C: “Oh! I’m sorry, your voice was so musical I thought you were part of the recording.”
It would appear I still have some milkshake left over.
Friends Don't Let Friends Drink And Shop
Me: “And your phone number please, sir?”
SC: “Shevun….….......shix.....uh......shix”
Now, don’t take this the wrong way sir. But maybe, just maybe you’re not sober enough to be shopping. Perhaps it’s time you or one of your friends started being the designated shopper for the group. Just so in the future you can prevent accidents such as this one. You did, after all, proceed to order $860 worth of women’s clothing. Even despite my warnings ( and the numerous warnings plastered over every inch of the website ) that I could not offer you the clearance prices from the website as they were web only deals. A minor detail that literally added a good $400 to your order. But you were perfectly okay with a 200% price increase over what you expected to pay when I desperately attempted to identify the impending danger for you.
The Yard III
C: “Well, if I win, I hope you can come visit me.”
Clearly, I have made too much milkshake.
TMI
You know, when I asked what the problem was, I honestly only meant with your apartment. Not just in general. All I really needed to know was that you had no heat. For example I didn’t need to know that you were just getting over pneumonia, and you think you need to take a bladder pill and you have a curious pain in your side that only your electric blanket seems to help and that you don’t have any furniture near your bed so you can’t put the phone in your bedroom it has to stay in the kitchen and you don’t know why you’re talking so much you just feel chatty this evening and you thought you could make me laugh by talking about your crippling medical conditions but that obviously didn't work yet for some reason its not stopping you from talking so we're back to the topic of your bladder.
A simple “I don’t have any heat” would have sufficed really.
Multilingual
Now, while I may not technically be able to speak French, sir. I am Canadian and thus do know a little. Therefore I am most curious as to why you just called me a "hairy ball" and hung up on me.
Congratulations Are In Order
Me: “It looks like I only have that in stock I large.”
SC: “Oh….uh. Do have it in medium?”
I give up. No one in Nunavut seems to understand the word “Only”. No one. I have no idea why, but this seems to be a universal pandemic. What precisely causes this? What mysterious force has eliminated this word from the vocabulary of an entire territory? I mean you have a population of….er….wait, 31,000? That’s all? That’s a population density of 0.02 people per square KM. Dang.
You know what? I take that back. I’m sorry. With that sort of remoteness and population density “Fire” is probably still a recent invention. I should be proud of you for even having phones. In fact I’ve been looking at this the wrong way for years. I shouldn’t be criticizing you for being so far behind the rest of human civilization. I should be celebrating how far you’ve managed to get towards the rest of human civilization despite having an alarmingly shallow gene pool.
So congratulations! You’ve successfully dialed a phone number.
annnd rest.
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