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Does this guy even occasionally COMMUTE to reality?
-Did you tow my car from 221 Marven Gardens Apartments?
-Black Honda Civic with Maryland plates? Then yes, we do have that vehicle, it will be $115 to pick up.
-But, why was I towed?
-That lot is permit parking only, you need a permit from Monopoly Reality to park there, and your car did not have one
-But, I was just visiting my friend, and he said I could park there.
-Your friend doesn’t own that property, so he cannot give you permission, only Monopoly Reality can give permission to use that lot.
-But, my friend said I could park there, he lives there!
-He is not the building owner Sir, so he cannot give you permission. The building and the lot are private property of Monopoly Reality, and they decide who gets to park there, not their tenants.
-Well, what if I WANT to park there?
-Then you need to contact Monopoly Reality and get a visitors pass, they issue them for that lot.
-So, I have to call the reality company if I want to park there?
-Yes
- I have to get THEIR permission to park?!
-Yes
This must’ve been quite the revelation, must’ve fried his poor little monofilament brain, because then it got wacky…
-That… that.. that doesn’t make any sense!
-It makes perfect sense Sir, they own the property, they decide who will be allowed on it
- No! It makes no sense at all! Who do I talk to to get this overturned?
-Well, you can talk to the towing manager in the morning if you wish, but he won’t do anything about it
-Why do you sound so convinced of that?!
-Well, I’ve been doing this for the last 4 years or so, and I can tell you he’s never ever refunded someone who got towed for parking without a permit at that lot, we’ve towed dozens of cars from there over last year alone, and none of them have ever been refunded.
- I don’t know why you’re so sure of that! And besides, I put a note on the dashboard that said I was just visiting! I mean, my phone number was on it and everything! Can’t you guys read? You couldn’t have just called me! I would have come out and moved it! That was rude!
-It’s not my job to call you
-What?
-I said it’s not my job to call you when you illegally park, Sir, just to tow the car. And speaking of reading, if you’d have just listened to the “Permit Parking Only” signs, you’d never have been towed in the first place.
-Well, yes, I’ll have you know that I follow MOST instructions in life! But that’s not the point!
Oh how I had to fight to keep my yap shut after that line, the little devil on my one shoulder was begging me to grab that and run with it into the sunset, but the little angel on my other shoulder was telling me to just end the call politely so I could stay gainfully employed and in good standing with management, but before I got a chance, my ride on the crazy train continued….
-Why do you even tow people? Don’t you know that you don’t make any money?!
-Excuse me?
-You don’t make any money just by towing people!
-Uh, yes I do, I make $115 a tow.
-I know that! But I mean you don’t add anything of value to this community! You are providing a totally worthless service that doesn’t make ANY money!!! I hope you understand that! *CLICK*
Frankly, I'm not sure I understood ANYTHING that was just said....
Military? Yes! Intelligence? No!
Guy comes in for his impounded car, starts off normally enough, but then balks at the $115 cost.
-How about cutting me a break? I’m military! And I was just visiting from out of town!
-Sorry Sir, $115 is the price, no exceptions
-C’mon man! I’m not from around here! How was I supposed to know I couldn’t park there?!
-The lot is signed sir, permit vehicles only.
-You ain’t got nothing better to do than look for cars to tow?
-I didn’t go looking for you Sir, you were called in to us for not having a permit
-So, who’s the snitch who called us in? Someone who lives there?
-You were called in by the lot monitor, there’s a person who checks that lot several times a night, they check all the properties that reality company owns, about 20 or 30 in all, we get calls from them all the time.
-You just be lucky you aren’t in the Army! Know what we do to snitches in the Army? WE SHOOT UP THEIR HOUSES! YOU EVER SEE A SOLDIER WITH HIS LEG BLOWN OFF?
Ah, you must be the two gentlemen that that Colonel Jessop fellow was looking for earlier today, will you be a dear and call him back? Said something about needing you to pull a Code Red on someone named Santiago? He said you’d know what it meant.
When you ASS-ume, you make a…. well….
So, I’m in a lot doing my dirty work on some unfortunate soul who didn’t obey the “Private Parking” signs when an SUV pulls into the lot. Driver rolls down his window
“Hey, can we park here?” he queries
“Not without a permit” I say
“But, it doesn’t say we can’t” He protests
“The sign back there at the entrance that you drove past says that this is a private lot” I point out.
“Yeah, I read that, but, it doesn’t say WHEN it’s private, I thought maybe it was open on weekends or after some hour or something?” He enquires.
“No Sir, it’s private, 24 / 7 / 365 ” I respond
“Well, you need better signs then, because it doesn’t say that, it just says “private”! “ he says
“Well, naturally, I’d assume that if it doesn’t say otherwise, that those restrictions are always enforced. Wouldn’t you?” I wager.
“Well, you need to do something about those signs, because they aren’t clear enough!” he says shaking his head and driving off…… and I’m reminded yet again of the wide, treacherous, shark-infested waters that compose that wide gulf between reading, and reading comprehension.
Ain't Got Time for the Signs
Guy calls up looking for his Ford Focus, and upon finding out that we have it, tells us he’s on the way in because we “need to have words”
Really? Never had words before, how do they taste? You know a place that serves them? Are you supposed to fry them or grill them? They go good with fava beans and a nice chianti? Oh wait, you’re talking about those other kinds of words… the kind that they have in those funny books full of letters and stuff that those funny egghead kids like to read… oh this should be F-U-N with a capital “SARCASM”, fun!
Well, he eventually arrives and we do have words, many many words.
- You guys stole my car!
- No, you were towed for not having a permit for where you parked
- I don’t understand….
- The lot you parked in off of 200 California Avenue is an apartment parking lot that’s only for permit vehicles, if your car doesn’t have a permit you can’t park there
- I, I don’t understand….
- It’s private property, only permit vehicles can park there
- Well, there weren’t any signs!
-Yes there were Sir, there’s one on each side of the building
-Bulls*it!, I didn’t see any!
-There’s one per each side of the building saying “Permit Parking Only”, I can’t help you if you didn’t see them, but they were there, they have to be for us to be able to tow from that lot, one sign per 25 spaces per the law.
-Look, I’m from out of town, and I didn’t know I couldn’t park there!
(Why do they always try this? I mean, they way they tell it, we’re the only town in the contiguous US that has rules about parking and actual enforcement of said rules, and it was only fair for them to assume all those funny looking signs with the words “no parking” on them and those odd clock-like devices on sticks along the curbs were just part of some elaborate local religious practice)
-Sorry Sir, but there’s nothing I can do, the lot is signed and the property owner called you in for not having a permit.
-I don’t have time to read signs! Do I look like I have the time to check every f*ckin’ wall I drive past for a sign?
-Maybe you should from now on
-Absolute bulls*it! I’m going down there after I pick my car up, and if I don’t see any signs, there’s going to be problems! You understand?! Because I’ve had bad experiences with towing places before! Fu*king vultures!
-Is this cash, credit, or debit?
-C’mon! I’m not from around here and was just visiting a friend!
- $115, cash, credit or debit, no exceptions Sir. If you have any disputes, feel free to talk to the manager in the morning, all I can do tonight is take payment and release the vehicle.
- *plops military ID on counter* How about cutting me a break?
Really? This Again?
Okay, so, I have one member of the armed forces who doesn’t have time to read signs, and furthermore doesn’t understand the causal link between not reading the signs and harm that comes about by not reading the signs… and another one looking to shoot up the house of those who “snitch” on him….
Suddenly, I’m sleeping a lot less soundly at night
-Did you tow my car from 221 Marven Gardens Apartments?
-Black Honda Civic with Maryland plates? Then yes, we do have that vehicle, it will be $115 to pick up.
-But, why was I towed?
-That lot is permit parking only, you need a permit from Monopoly Reality to park there, and your car did not have one
-But, I was just visiting my friend, and he said I could park there.
-Your friend doesn’t own that property, so he cannot give you permission, only Monopoly Reality can give permission to use that lot.
-But, my friend said I could park there, he lives there!
-He is not the building owner Sir, so he cannot give you permission. The building and the lot are private property of Monopoly Reality, and they decide who gets to park there, not their tenants.
-Well, what if I WANT to park there?
-Then you need to contact Monopoly Reality and get a visitors pass, they issue them for that lot.
-So, I have to call the reality company if I want to park there?
-Yes
- I have to get THEIR permission to park?!
-Yes
This must’ve been quite the revelation, must’ve fried his poor little monofilament brain, because then it got wacky…
-That… that.. that doesn’t make any sense!
-It makes perfect sense Sir, they own the property, they decide who will be allowed on it
- No! It makes no sense at all! Who do I talk to to get this overturned?
-Well, you can talk to the towing manager in the morning if you wish, but he won’t do anything about it
-Why do you sound so convinced of that?!
-Well, I’ve been doing this for the last 4 years or so, and I can tell you he’s never ever refunded someone who got towed for parking without a permit at that lot, we’ve towed dozens of cars from there over last year alone, and none of them have ever been refunded.
- I don’t know why you’re so sure of that! And besides, I put a note on the dashboard that said I was just visiting! I mean, my phone number was on it and everything! Can’t you guys read? You couldn’t have just called me! I would have come out and moved it! That was rude!
-It’s not my job to call you
-What?
-I said it’s not my job to call you when you illegally park, Sir, just to tow the car. And speaking of reading, if you’d have just listened to the “Permit Parking Only” signs, you’d never have been towed in the first place.
-Well, yes, I’ll have you know that I follow MOST instructions in life! But that’s not the point!
Oh how I had to fight to keep my yap shut after that line, the little devil on my one shoulder was begging me to grab that and run with it into the sunset, but the little angel on my other shoulder was telling me to just end the call politely so I could stay gainfully employed and in good standing with management, but before I got a chance, my ride on the crazy train continued….
-Why do you even tow people? Don’t you know that you don’t make any money?!
-Excuse me?
-You don’t make any money just by towing people!
-Uh, yes I do, I make $115 a tow.
-I know that! But I mean you don’t add anything of value to this community! You are providing a totally worthless service that doesn’t make ANY money!!! I hope you understand that! *CLICK*
Frankly, I'm not sure I understood ANYTHING that was just said....
Military? Yes! Intelligence? No!
Guy comes in for his impounded car, starts off normally enough, but then balks at the $115 cost.
-How about cutting me a break? I’m military! And I was just visiting from out of town!
-Sorry Sir, $115 is the price, no exceptions
-C’mon man! I’m not from around here! How was I supposed to know I couldn’t park there?!
-The lot is signed sir, permit vehicles only.
-You ain’t got nothing better to do than look for cars to tow?
-I didn’t go looking for you Sir, you were called in to us for not having a permit
-So, who’s the snitch who called us in? Someone who lives there?
-You were called in by the lot monitor, there’s a person who checks that lot several times a night, they check all the properties that reality company owns, about 20 or 30 in all, we get calls from them all the time.
-You just be lucky you aren’t in the Army! Know what we do to snitches in the Army? WE SHOOT UP THEIR HOUSES! YOU EVER SEE A SOLDIER WITH HIS LEG BLOWN OFF?
Ah, you must be the two gentlemen that that Colonel Jessop fellow was looking for earlier today, will you be a dear and call him back? Said something about needing you to pull a Code Red on someone named Santiago? He said you’d know what it meant.
When you ASS-ume, you make a…. well….
So, I’m in a lot doing my dirty work on some unfortunate soul who didn’t obey the “Private Parking” signs when an SUV pulls into the lot. Driver rolls down his window
“Hey, can we park here?” he queries
“Not without a permit” I say
“But, it doesn’t say we can’t” He protests
“The sign back there at the entrance that you drove past says that this is a private lot” I point out.
“Yeah, I read that, but, it doesn’t say WHEN it’s private, I thought maybe it was open on weekends or after some hour or something?” He enquires.
“No Sir, it’s private, 24 / 7 / 365 ” I respond
“Well, you need better signs then, because it doesn’t say that, it just says “private”! “ he says
“Well, naturally, I’d assume that if it doesn’t say otherwise, that those restrictions are always enforced. Wouldn’t you?” I wager.
“Well, you need to do something about those signs, because they aren’t clear enough!” he says shaking his head and driving off…… and I’m reminded yet again of the wide, treacherous, shark-infested waters that compose that wide gulf between reading, and reading comprehension.
Ain't Got Time for the Signs
Guy calls up looking for his Ford Focus, and upon finding out that we have it, tells us he’s on the way in because we “need to have words”
Really? Never had words before, how do they taste? You know a place that serves them? Are you supposed to fry them or grill them? They go good with fava beans and a nice chianti? Oh wait, you’re talking about those other kinds of words… the kind that they have in those funny books full of letters and stuff that those funny egghead kids like to read… oh this should be F-U-N with a capital “SARCASM”, fun!
Well, he eventually arrives and we do have words, many many words.
- You guys stole my car!
- No, you were towed for not having a permit for where you parked
- I don’t understand….
- The lot you parked in off of 200 California Avenue is an apartment parking lot that’s only for permit vehicles, if your car doesn’t have a permit you can’t park there
- I, I don’t understand….
- It’s private property, only permit vehicles can park there
- Well, there weren’t any signs!
-Yes there were Sir, there’s one on each side of the building
-Bulls*it!, I didn’t see any!
-There’s one per each side of the building saying “Permit Parking Only”, I can’t help you if you didn’t see them, but they were there, they have to be for us to be able to tow from that lot, one sign per 25 spaces per the law.
-Look, I’m from out of town, and I didn’t know I couldn’t park there!
(Why do they always try this? I mean, they way they tell it, we’re the only town in the contiguous US that has rules about parking and actual enforcement of said rules, and it was only fair for them to assume all those funny looking signs with the words “no parking” on them and those odd clock-like devices on sticks along the curbs were just part of some elaborate local religious practice)
-Sorry Sir, but there’s nothing I can do, the lot is signed and the property owner called you in for not having a permit.
-I don’t have time to read signs! Do I look like I have the time to check every f*ckin’ wall I drive past for a sign?
-Maybe you should from now on
-Absolute bulls*it! I’m going down there after I pick my car up, and if I don’t see any signs, there’s going to be problems! You understand?! Because I’ve had bad experiences with towing places before! Fu*king vultures!
-Is this cash, credit, or debit?
-C’mon! I’m not from around here and was just visiting a friend!
- $115, cash, credit or debit, no exceptions Sir. If you have any disputes, feel free to talk to the manager in the morning, all I can do tonight is take payment and release the vehicle.
- *plops military ID on counter* How about cutting me a break?
Really? This Again?
Okay, so, I have one member of the armed forces who doesn’t have time to read signs, and furthermore doesn’t understand the causal link between not reading the signs and harm that comes about by not reading the signs… and another one looking to shoot up the house of those who “snitch” on him….
Suddenly, I’m sleeping a lot less soundly at night
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