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Don't ask about the title. ;p Work botched my scheduled last night so I ended up stuck at the office for some odd 10 hours and they didn't even need me there that long. Thus the last few entries this week are exceedingly bitter.
I'm moving today too so I got to stay 2 hours extra and then come home to the joy of moving. Plus my phone company turned my phone (and soon maybe my internet ><) off a day before they were suppose too. Gonna have to write this quick before it switches off too.
Yargh.....anyway:
Listen & Learn
( The emergency hotel booking line again.... )
SC: "Is that a hotel and casino?"
Me: "No, just a hotel"
SC:"Do you have any hotel casinos?"
Me: "No, sorry, just <hotel name>."
SC:"Is that on the strip?"
Me: "I'm not in Vegas, so I don't have that info."
SC:"What's the address?"
Me: "xxxx street name"
SC:"Is that anywhere near the strip?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm not in Las Vegas"
SC:"Is it downtown?"
Me: "I would have no idea, I am not in Las Vegas."
You seem to be having trouble with part of this conversation. You know, the part where I talk.
Generation Durrr
Caller is 15 and stuck in Las Vegas for the evening. Caller cannot check into a hotel due to her age. Caller had my sympathy up until the point where Caller revealed it had never occurred to her to call her parents to request assistance. Caller was very pleased by this suggestion. Operator surmises that if children are the future, we're probably borked.
Fail
1) You don't know your own number.
2) Niether does the guy in the background.
3) Despite a full minute of searching, you cannot locate the number and give up.
I really have nothing to add to that level of failure. But I do assure you I am impressed. So you can take that home with you at least. Well, provided you know where you live. If not, ask that guy in the background again. He seems like a knowledgeable fellow.
Dumbass on Board
SC: "The reception's bad here cus this is a small town I'm driving through."
Me: "Ok."
SC: "Just another block and it'll probably get better."
Me: "…ok"
SC: "Don't hang up!"
Look at me! I'm driving through an area with bad reception while reading your ad in the newspaper at the same time. Clearly this is the best time to add talking on my cell phone to the mix. If fate smiles upon me perhaps I can swerve into a Walmart or maybe wipe out and cut a brutal swath through of field of cows. If I'm really lucky perhaps I can miss a red light and slide into a bus load of Girl Scouts on the way to a bakesale! I don't know how this driving situation could get any better! Wait! I know. Toss me a beer!
You = jackass.
Timezones
SC: "They're not open yet?"
Me: "Nope, not till 7"
SC: "What time is there?"
Me: "6"
SC: "Oh, really? I thought you guys were an hour ahead of us."
They only way we're an hour ahead of you is if you live in a grimy houseboat that drifted out to sea in the night several days ago.
867....
SC: "I'd like to place an order."
Me: "Ok, what's your name?"
SC: "….uh……"
C'mon Skippy, I can't pitch em any lower or slower then that. If you strike out here I don't know what to say. Perhaps we should ease you down to an activity more your speed. I hear colouring books are pretty awesome.
Nope
SC: "I know I'm not calling the right number but maybe you can help me."
I don’t think you've thought your cunning plan all the way through.
Watch the Bitterness Increase...
Me: "-and your phone number?"
SC: "867-" (Go to red alert!)
Me: "What's the product id?"
SC: "Uh….33335-635"
Me: "…33335-635?"
SC: "Uh…3335-63"
Me: "Ok, what size?"
SC: "2 of them. One black, one white."
Me: "Alright, but what size?"
SC: "Large"
Me: "I don't have white in large. Only black and navy."
SC: "Uh…I already have navy."
( I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were trying to complete the Sweater Triforce.)
SC: "What about XL?"
Me: "I have white and black in XL"
SC: "Ok, can I get a large black one and an XL white one?"
Me: "Sure. Would you like anything else?"
SC: "Yeah, I want both XL."
Me: "Er…ok."
( Thank you for waiting long enough for me to add it to your order before changing it. )
Me: "Alright, that comes to xxx dollars and should take about 2 weeks."
SC: "Ok. How much will it cost?"
Me: "…..xxx dollars."
Argh, curse you and your entire area code. Why must you plague me? Don't you have something better to do? Is there a snowmobile not yet up on blocks in the front yard you could attend too? How about a transmission you could be taking apart in the bathtub? Is Spongebob not on yet or something? Could you not find a shovel to dig up the moonshine with? Did your date spring a leak and you can't get a patch kit till Home Depot opens? What's going on, I demand answers!
867!
Me: "Good morning, <company name>."
SC: "……"
Me: "….hello?"
SC: "….."
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "….uh…."
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "Hi!"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "I'm Jackie!"
Me: "…alright."
(He manages to somehow place an order…..)
SC: "But I don't want them right now."
Me: "…you don't want to order them right now?"
SC: "No I wanna order them but I don't want them right now. I want them after I get back."
Me: "…..ok. Perhaps you should order them when you get back?"
SC: "Yeah, I should do that, shouldn't I?"
Me: "Yes."
Hurry up Jackie, your Happy Meal is getting cold.
Automatic Fail
( Guy's calling a local glass replacement company at 3am... )
SC: "The thing is I'm here in Texas-"
Ok, time out. You've already disqualified yourself. No need to go any further. Stop the press, put down the phone, pull up your pants and go do something constructive. Seeing as you're in Texas I'd wager there's something within a one block radius of you that needs to either be shot or deliciously BBQ'd. Perhaps both.
( With apologies to Texas )
Mysteries
Me: "Do you need me to page the on call service guy for you?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Alright, I'll page him and he'll call you back."
SC: "Who?"
Me: "….the service guy."
SC: "Oh."
You know even goldfish manage to retain information for at least 6 seconds. So that puts you a level below a 99 cent purchase at the pet store. If I had to take a guess I I'd have place you around "damp Ritz cracker" level.
Questions and Answers
Me: "-and your first name?"
SC: "Bong"
Me: "….Bong?"
Normally I might have asked what your parents were smoking when they named you but ironically that question has already been answered.
Two Wrongs don't make a Right
Me: "Good evening, <emergency line for a halfway house>"
SC: "Yeah, whats wrong with the buses?"
I would like to take a moment to point out there's another, more glorious wrong here that needs to be address first. So lets sort that one out first, shall we?
Extra Tasty Crispy
( 3 in the morning... )
SC: "You're still open?"
Me: "Yep"
SC: "Oh….."
…..sorry to disappoint? Actually, no I'm not. In fact if there's anything else I can do to aid in the total and complete destruction of your personal world, by all means let me know now. I'm quite willing to go above and beyond the line of duty if I can crush every last bit of enjoyment from your day.
Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, yes, we're still open.
Extra Spicy?
SC: "Can I have room 24?"
Me: "Sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "I do?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "No."
Me: "....."
You're right, I'm just kidding. You really do have the right number. In fact let me go knock on room 24's door for you. Give me a few minutes to locate and don my bellboy uniform. Then I'll be happy to galavant around Vancouver attempting to locate whatever guest in whichever hotel you're trying to reach. At least until I either A) Get arrested or B) Locate and violently incapacitate you with whatever is within arm's reach. Which would be……ah, yes, the old standby: the stapler.
National Security
( A certain US federal agency's Canadian office at 4am.... )
SC: "Are you hiring?"
Hell yes! We always employ completely random strangers off the street from other countries that call at 4am to work at the forefront of our nation's security.
Well, actually, now that I reflect on the last 6 years, maybe they do.
867!@$!
SC: "I wanna place an order."
Me: "Sure, what's your name?"
SC: "Troy."
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "(Insert the sound a dog makes trying to chew half a cup of peanut butter)"
Me: "…...Can you spell that?"
SC: "Uh…..uh…….um……<click>"
1 minute later.
SC: "I wanna…uh…..order something."
Me: "…..sure. What's your name?"
SC: "Troy (sound of dog gobbering)"
Me: "…..how do you spell your last name?"
SC: "…………………………uh…..I dunno."
Me: "Mhmm"
SC: "I dunno."
Me: "I can't really help you then, can I?"
SC: "Just kiddin, my name is Billy Johanson"
Me: "Mhmm"
SC: "Huh huh…huh….huh huh. I'm jus kiddin' around with my buddy here."
I'm sorry, what was that? I was too busy trying to figure out how I could get the pair of you mauled and hopefully at least partially digested by a polar bear. The logistics are a bit daunting, we might have to go as far as your backyard to find one. The real problem is renting the seal costumes for the pair of you. On the downside I would end up losing the deposit on them…..but hey, it'd be worth it. I'll bring my camcorder too so I can upload the resulting footage to YouTube later.
I Hate You
SC: "Yeah, I have some questions about yer showhomes and condos?"
Sure, but first I have some questions about what makes you think this is important at 2:30 in the morning and how you managed to pull yourself away from licking the outlet in the kitchen long enough to call.
<sigh> back to packing... ><
I'm moving today too so I got to stay 2 hours extra and then come home to the joy of moving. Plus my phone company turned my phone (and soon maybe my internet ><) off a day before they were suppose too. Gonna have to write this quick before it switches off too.
Yargh.....anyway:
Listen & Learn
( The emergency hotel booking line again.... )
SC: "Is that a hotel and casino?"
Me: "No, just a hotel"
SC:"Do you have any hotel casinos?"
Me: "No, sorry, just <hotel name>."
SC:"Is that on the strip?"
Me: "I'm not in Vegas, so I don't have that info."
SC:"What's the address?"
Me: "xxxx street name"
SC:"Is that anywhere near the strip?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm not in Las Vegas"
SC:"Is it downtown?"
Me: "I would have no idea, I am not in Las Vegas."
You seem to be having trouble with part of this conversation. You know, the part where I talk.
Generation Durrr
Caller is 15 and stuck in Las Vegas for the evening. Caller cannot check into a hotel due to her age. Caller had my sympathy up until the point where Caller revealed it had never occurred to her to call her parents to request assistance. Caller was very pleased by this suggestion. Operator surmises that if children are the future, we're probably borked.
Fail
1) You don't know your own number.
2) Niether does the guy in the background.
3) Despite a full minute of searching, you cannot locate the number and give up.
I really have nothing to add to that level of failure. But I do assure you I am impressed. So you can take that home with you at least. Well, provided you know where you live. If not, ask that guy in the background again. He seems like a knowledgeable fellow.
Dumbass on Board
SC: "The reception's bad here cus this is a small town I'm driving through."
Me: "Ok."
SC: "Just another block and it'll probably get better."
Me: "…ok"
SC: "Don't hang up!"
Look at me! I'm driving through an area with bad reception while reading your ad in the newspaper at the same time. Clearly this is the best time to add talking on my cell phone to the mix. If fate smiles upon me perhaps I can swerve into a Walmart or maybe wipe out and cut a brutal swath through of field of cows. If I'm really lucky perhaps I can miss a red light and slide into a bus load of Girl Scouts on the way to a bakesale! I don't know how this driving situation could get any better! Wait! I know. Toss me a beer!
You = jackass.
Timezones
SC: "They're not open yet?"
Me: "Nope, not till 7"
SC: "What time is there?"
Me: "6"
SC: "Oh, really? I thought you guys were an hour ahead of us."
They only way we're an hour ahead of you is if you live in a grimy houseboat that drifted out to sea in the night several days ago.
867....
SC: "I'd like to place an order."
Me: "Ok, what's your name?"
SC: "….uh……"
C'mon Skippy, I can't pitch em any lower or slower then that. If you strike out here I don't know what to say. Perhaps we should ease you down to an activity more your speed. I hear colouring books are pretty awesome.
Nope
SC: "I know I'm not calling the right number but maybe you can help me."
I don’t think you've thought your cunning plan all the way through.
Watch the Bitterness Increase...
Me: "-and your phone number?"
SC: "867-" (Go to red alert!)
Me: "What's the product id?"
SC: "Uh….33335-635"
Me: "…33335-635?"
SC: "Uh…3335-63"
Me: "Ok, what size?"
SC: "2 of them. One black, one white."
Me: "Alright, but what size?"
SC: "Large"
Me: "I don't have white in large. Only black and navy."
SC: "Uh…I already have navy."
( I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were trying to complete the Sweater Triforce.)
SC: "What about XL?"
Me: "I have white and black in XL"
SC: "Ok, can I get a large black one and an XL white one?"
Me: "Sure. Would you like anything else?"
SC: "Yeah, I want both XL."
Me: "Er…ok."
( Thank you for waiting long enough for me to add it to your order before changing it. )
Me: "Alright, that comes to xxx dollars and should take about 2 weeks."
SC: "Ok. How much will it cost?"
Me: "…..xxx dollars."
Argh, curse you and your entire area code. Why must you plague me? Don't you have something better to do? Is there a snowmobile not yet up on blocks in the front yard you could attend too? How about a transmission you could be taking apart in the bathtub? Is Spongebob not on yet or something? Could you not find a shovel to dig up the moonshine with? Did your date spring a leak and you can't get a patch kit till Home Depot opens? What's going on, I demand answers!
867!
Me: "Good morning, <company name>."
SC: "……"
Me: "….hello?"
SC: "….."
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "….uh…."
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "Hi!"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "I'm Jackie!"
Me: "…alright."
(He manages to somehow place an order…..)
SC: "But I don't want them right now."
Me: "…you don't want to order them right now?"
SC: "No I wanna order them but I don't want them right now. I want them after I get back."
Me: "…..ok. Perhaps you should order them when you get back?"
SC: "Yeah, I should do that, shouldn't I?"
Me: "Yes."
Hurry up Jackie, your Happy Meal is getting cold.
Automatic Fail
( Guy's calling a local glass replacement company at 3am... )
SC: "The thing is I'm here in Texas-"
Ok, time out. You've already disqualified yourself. No need to go any further. Stop the press, put down the phone, pull up your pants and go do something constructive. Seeing as you're in Texas I'd wager there's something within a one block radius of you that needs to either be shot or deliciously BBQ'd. Perhaps both.
( With apologies to Texas )
Mysteries
Me: "Do you need me to page the on call service guy for you?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Alright, I'll page him and he'll call you back."
SC: "Who?"
Me: "….the service guy."
SC: "Oh."
You know even goldfish manage to retain information for at least 6 seconds. So that puts you a level below a 99 cent purchase at the pet store. If I had to take a guess I I'd have place you around "damp Ritz cracker" level.
Questions and Answers
Me: "-and your first name?"
SC: "Bong"
Me: "….Bong?"
Normally I might have asked what your parents were smoking when they named you but ironically that question has already been answered.
Two Wrongs don't make a Right
Me: "Good evening, <emergency line for a halfway house>"
SC: "Yeah, whats wrong with the buses?"
I would like to take a moment to point out there's another, more glorious wrong here that needs to be address first. So lets sort that one out first, shall we?
Extra Tasty Crispy
( 3 in the morning... )
SC: "You're still open?"
Me: "Yep"
SC: "Oh….."
…..sorry to disappoint? Actually, no I'm not. In fact if there's anything else I can do to aid in the total and complete destruction of your personal world, by all means let me know now. I'm quite willing to go above and beyond the line of duty if I can crush every last bit of enjoyment from your day.
Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, yes, we're still open.
Extra Spicy?
SC: "Can I have room 24?"
Me: "Sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "I do?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "No."
Me: "....."
You're right, I'm just kidding. You really do have the right number. In fact let me go knock on room 24's door for you. Give me a few minutes to locate and don my bellboy uniform. Then I'll be happy to galavant around Vancouver attempting to locate whatever guest in whichever hotel you're trying to reach. At least until I either A) Get arrested or B) Locate and violently incapacitate you with whatever is within arm's reach. Which would be……ah, yes, the old standby: the stapler.
National Security
( A certain US federal agency's Canadian office at 4am.... )
SC: "Are you hiring?"
Hell yes! We always employ completely random strangers off the street from other countries that call at 4am to work at the forefront of our nation's security.
Well, actually, now that I reflect on the last 6 years, maybe they do.
867!@$!
SC: "I wanna place an order."
Me: "Sure, what's your name?"
SC: "Troy."
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "(Insert the sound a dog makes trying to chew half a cup of peanut butter)"
Me: "…...Can you spell that?"
SC: "Uh…..uh…….um……<click>"
1 minute later.
SC: "I wanna…uh…..order something."
Me: "…..sure. What's your name?"
SC: "Troy (sound of dog gobbering)"
Me: "…..how do you spell your last name?"
SC: "…………………………uh…..I dunno."
Me: "Mhmm"
SC: "I dunno."
Me: "I can't really help you then, can I?"
SC: "Just kiddin, my name is Billy Johanson"
Me: "Mhmm"
SC: "Huh huh…huh….huh huh. I'm jus kiddin' around with my buddy here."
I'm sorry, what was that? I was too busy trying to figure out how I could get the pair of you mauled and hopefully at least partially digested by a polar bear. The logistics are a bit daunting, we might have to go as far as your backyard to find one. The real problem is renting the seal costumes for the pair of you. On the downside I would end up losing the deposit on them…..but hey, it'd be worth it. I'll bring my camcorder too so I can upload the resulting footage to YouTube later.
I Hate You
SC: "Yeah, I have some questions about yer showhomes and condos?"
Sure, but first I have some questions about what makes you think this is important at 2:30 in the morning and how you managed to pull yourself away from licking the outlet in the kitchen long enough to call.
<sigh> back to packing... ><
i really love you posts. omg you must have some sort of large light bulb that attacts these loonies to you.
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