There was salt on the glass. BIG grains of salt! (A two-fer!)

[I am the Lizard Queen!!]

I hope I'm not hijacking this entire site! I have just had a very busy week!!!!

************************************************** *************
OK, listen weirdo. I know for a fact that I asked you if you wanted a salted rim on your margarita. The reason I know this is because I personally find a salted rim on a strawberry blended drink abhorrent, and I always want to make sure this is what the customer actually wants. And what did you say??? YES.
No, you did. You did!!
You DID!!! I remember. Because I thought to myself..... 'Yuck"

So maybe you tasted it and changed your mind, that's fine. But don't act like I rimmed your drink with strychnine. This is not the end of the world. We will get through this together, I swear. Just unclench a little bit.

************************************************** ***************

So, listen....bitch?? I am truly, teeth-gnashingly sorry that the pen in your billfold isn't working. You see, we are forced to give these particular pens out because they have the hotel name on them; unfortunately, they aren't the greatest quality. Yes, I realize that this is a tragedy on par with the burning of the Hindenberg, or your hairdresser convincing you that the color on top of your head is "Blonde". (Because.....really? No. Just.... no. It's not.)
But hey, you know what WASN'T necessary?? Waving me over to your table, holding your billfold directly in front of my face and then dramatically "struggling" to sign your bill. Oh and also? Doing this with your eyes bugging out and your mouth hanging open in a deliberate "I am such a moron" expression is a really great way to get yourself punched.
And bonus points for then slapping the billfold onto the table and resuming your conversation with your friend without ever saying a single word to me.

Hey look kids!! Someone just bought herself a ride on the Merry-Go-Fuck-Yourself!!!!
Die.

[Pixilated]

#1: He's looking for a freebie replacement because he has now decided he doesn't like the drink he ordered.

#2: And, of course, the gods forbid she should carry her own working pen in her purse!

[LillFilly]

"Hey look kids!! Someone just bought herself a ride on the Merry-Go-Fuck-Yourself!!!!"

Well, looks like I have myself a new signature!

[Crossbow]

"Hey look kids!! Someone just bought herself a ride on the Merry-Go-Fuck-Yourself!!!!"

Well, looks like I have myself a new signature!

Yes, this is destined to be a classic.

Wow, you really are having a bad week, Lizard Queen.

[thehuckster]

Ugh, the second one, IMO, is worse than the first, probably because I imagine the first one looking like Milton and nobody could be mad at Milton.

People are so fucked up to buy into this notion that rudeness is OK if it's against someone in customer service. They're often pleasant with friends and even strangers, but as soon as someone has a nametag, apron, smock, or service uniform they think they can be as rude and unpleasant as they want.

Hey look kids!! Someone just bought herself a ride on the Merry-Go-Fuck-Yourself!!!!

That and the titular Office Space reference is full of win.

[I am the Lizard Queen!!]

Heh, thank guys, I'm glad you like the quote, but I can't even take credit for it. I had a friend years ago who would say it and then twirl around in a circle flipping the bird and humming circus music. It was fabulous. I haven't thought of it in years, but it definitely fit the situation.
Yes, I am having a crappy week. My city is having a yearly event that brings in tens of thousands of tourists and the main goal is to party for 10 days, so it certainly bumps up the ass-hole factor.

"Ugh, the second one, IMO, is worse than the first, probably because I imagine the first one looking like Milton and nobody could be mad at Milton."

SO true! I didn't even mind the salt-guy becasue I was laughing my ass off on the inside. I did hide my swingline, though.

[dalesys]

Is that a stapler in your pants?

... Or a power nailer?

[AyreBiskits]

I had a friend years ago who would say it and then twirl around in a circle flipping the bird and humming circus music. It was fabulous.

i'm SOOOOOOOOOO doing this next time someone pisses me off!!!!

[Victory Sabre]

I'm so sorry you're having the "special" customers this week. I hope it gets better. I also like the "Merry-Go-Fuck-Yourself!!!!" line. Awesome. I should use it when I'm really pissed off.

[mariamousie1]

Oh and also? Doing this with your eyes bugging out and your mouth hanging open in a deliberate "I am such a moron" expression is a really great way to get yourself punched.

Are you sure that wasn't her actual face?

[Divra]

Geez. You think people would know what they want to drink. Worst cocktail knowledge since "Rum and coke, shaken, not stirred."

[Jester]

Geez. You think people would know what they want to drink. Worst cocktail knowledge since "Rum and coke, shaken, not stirred."

As a bartender, I have to disagree with you and say, no, they DON'T. I am not kidding you when I say not a day goes by when some customer asks me, "What would I like?" Well, how the fuck would I know? I've known you for all of 7.5 seconds, lady. I know I'm good, but even I am not THAT good.

And as for the cocktail knowledge, if you are remembering that from this site, it was one of my customers, and it was a gin and tonic that he wanted shaken. The conversation, as I recall, went something like this:

ASSHOLE DIPSHIT: "Why didn't you shake it?"
JESTER, COCKTAILIAN GOD: "Because it's a gin and tonic."
DIPSHIT ASSHOLE: "How long have YOU been bartending?"
JESTER, WHO SUFFERS FOOLS NOT: "You really don't want to drink at this bar, do you?"

(There's even a cartoon on here referencing that encounter. )

[I am the Lizard Queen!!]

Yep I get that alllllll the time.
:: desperate wave to me to imply if they don't have a drink in the next five seconds they may perish from thirst:: then...
"what do I want???? What is something fruity???? Oh but not too fruity!!!! Raspberry vodka??? Would I like that?????"

Twitch. Twitch.

[Jester]

I will say this....I have gotten to the point where if they at least tell me what they like ("I want something fruity with rum in it") I just look at them and say, "You want a [Specialty Cocktail]." Or, "I want something strong, not too sweet." Me: "Clearly you want a [Signature Cocktail]." 95% of the time, I'm right.

It's the same with our vast selection of rum. The convo usually goes like this...

THEM: "I want to try a rum."
ME: Okay, we have over 150 rums. What do you like?"
THEM: "I want something good."
ME: "Again, we have OVER 150 RUMS. What kind of rum do you like? Or what do you normally drink?"
At which point, most people with more than half a functioning brain cell are able to give me SOMETHING to work with.

"I like dark rum, but not too sweet."
Oh, okay...you'd probably love Ron Zacapa Centenario 23 year old. And...they do. (I AM the rum guy, after all.)

But if they have no idea what they want, and tell me nothing about what they like, I can't do squat for them. Except stare at them. Perhaps even mock them. And not always silently, either.

[Peppergirl]

THEM: "I want something good."

Idiot. As opposed to wanting something REALLY AWFUL.