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Don’t worry guys, not all these stories happened on the same day. I’ve not been very well recently, so whenever I’ve finished a shift, I just haven’t had the energy to type a thread.
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SC: Can I order a rump steak please?
Me: Sure. How do you like it cooked?
SC: Huh! Well, I hope it’s completely cooked if it’s all the same!
Me: OK *hits well done button*
SC: And does that come with hollandaise sauce?
Me: No it does not.
SC: Well that’s odd.
Me: Oh?
SC: Well it’s salmon! Hollandaise goes well with salmon!
Me: Salmon? But you asked for rump.
SC: What? I did not.
Me: OK. Well, we don’t actually sell salmon here…
SC: But you just asked how I would like it cooked!
Me: Because I thought you asked for a beef rump steak.
SC: What?! I don’t understand!
A regular customer was stood at the bar. He jumped in.
RC: I heard you ask for a rump steak.
SC: I did not!
Me: OK, well what would you like? Because we don’t sell salmon.
SC: I’ll have the rump then.
I almost face palmed.
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I didn’t witness the start of this. CW walked on to the bar and there were four customers waiting. She had no idea who was next. She asked and someone called out. One of the men waiting was not impressed.
SC: Oi! You fucking stupid bitch! I was next!
CW: Excuse me??
SC: Fucking idiot!
CW: Right, do you know what? Someone else can serve you, because I’m not doing it.
SC: I want to see the manager!
Manager walked out. SC went on an absolute tirade. Manager listened and nodded. SC ended his rant with this:
SC: I spend ten thousand pounds a year in here! I expect better treatment!
Manager snorted.
SC: What’s so funny?
M: Well I just find it funny that you say that and I have never seen you before.
SC: Fuck off and get me my drink.
M: Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
SC: I will spend my thousands somewhere else then!
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SC: Can I order two beef burgers please?
Me: Sure thing.
I went through the whole process.
SC: And make sure those are chicken.
Me: Chicken?
SC: Yes, make sure those beef burgers are chicken.
Me: So you want two chicken burgers?
SC: No that’s not what I’m asking for.
Me: Then what are you asking for?
The SC rolled his eyes and started talking really slowly.
SC: I want two burgers but make sure they are chicken.
I imitated his slow voice.
Me: So two chicken burgers then?
SC: NO!
Me: OK, so two burgers with chicken then?
SC: Yes.
I sent him two chicken burgers. Funnily enough, it was exactly what he wanted.
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The pub only has two booths. For some reason they are always in demand. I actually don’t understand this, because they aren’t nice places to sit. They are very small and stuck in a far corner of the pub away from everything. You can only actually comfortably seat two people in them, so it’s always amazing to watch a family of five or six try to cram into one. I guess it makes them feel like special little snowflakes to sit in them.
A customer stormed up to me.
SC: The booths are taken! AGAIN!
Me: I’m sorry?
SC: Every time I come here they are never free! It’s not fair! When is someone else going to get a turn? Answers please!
Me: I can’t really do anything about it. I can’t ask paying customers to move tables.
SC: I’m going to be a paying customer! But only if you get me those booths!
Me: I’m not asking anyone to move. You can wait for them to leave.
SC: No! I’m leaving!
A customer that was sat nearby started laughing her ass off.
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SC: Double vodka and diet Irn Bru please.
For those who do not know, Irn Bru is a popular Scottish soft drink. Although you can buy it in England, it is not commonly found in pubs, let alone in diet. I have never had anyone ask me for it while I’ve been working in pubs.
Me: I’m sorry, but we don’t serve Irn Bru here.
SC: What??? How can you not sell it?? It’s a very popular drink!!!
Me: We just don’t have any demand for it.
SC: Fine. I will have a double vodka and Fanta Fruit Twist.
Me: We don’t serve Fanta here.
SC: YOU’RE JOKING!!!
She stormed out.
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I won’t go into the major details, but this SC was a major pain in the ass from the moment she walked in. She complained about EVERYTHING. She even complained about the pattern on the carpets.
SC: I want an e-mail address so I can send a complaint!
Me: We don’t have an e-mail address. You are quite welcome to write a letter or speak to the manager.
SC: You don’t have an e-mail address????
Me: No.
SC: God! Why can’t you get with the times! This is the 20th century for Gods sake!
Me: 21st.
SC: Nooooo. It’s 2012! Not 2112! Duuuuuh!
I couldn’t deal with her anymore. I sent a manager over.
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A scary looking girl came to the bar.
SG: I was wondering if you had any jobs available at the moment?
Me: I will just go out the back and ask the manager.
SG: I have absolutely loads of experience by the way.
I spoke to manager. Nope. No jobs. She did however tell me to take the girls details so that if anything became available we could give her a call.
Me: I’m sorry, but we don’t have-
SG: You have GOT to be kidding me!
I decided not to complete my sentence and inform her that we were willing to take her details. For obvious reasons.
Me: There are no job vacancies available.
SG: But I have experience!
Me: I’m sorry, but there are just no jobs.
SG: I have been working in pubs for twelve years! I have worked in every kind of bar you can imagine! I’ve cooked pub meals as well! And you’re going to turn me away??? I want to speak to the manager!!
I got manager. I carried on serving customers and caught snippets of her rant.
SG: I bet I have more experience than half your staff put together!
SG: I know how to change barrels! I bet none of your staff are intelligent enough to do that!
SG: Oh, so I guess you would rather have people who serve with a grimace than people who serve with a smile???
Manager lost patience.
M: Geez! I can’t imagine why no one will hire you!
SG: What?
M: Just…just…shoo!
SG: Fine! Your loss!
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I wasn’t present for the first part of this. CW walks out and sees a customer waiting at the bar. CW serves customer. Customer orders food and a coffee and pays. CW goes to make coffee and discovers we are out of mugs.
CW: I will just run to the kitchen and get some more!
CW leaves.
I walk out at this point and see a customer waiting at the bar. The exact same customer. I have no idea CW had served him. I walk out and ask him what he wants. Customer orders food and a coffee and pays…again. I have no idea that customer has already paid or has even been served. I notice there are no coffee mugs and head to the kitchen. CW is already there rinsing out some.
CW: You want a mug too?
Me: Yes please. I’ve got a customer waiting at the bar.
He washes a mug and we walk out together. We both make a coffee and head down the bar and go to hand it to the exact same customer.
Me: Wait a minute. This is my customer.
CW: No. It’s my customer.
Me: Sir, which one of us served you?
SC: Huh?
Me: Can I check your receipt?
He hands it over.
Me: Sir, you have paid for the exact same order twice. Did you intend to do that?
SC: Are you trying to rip me off??
Me: What? No, sir-
SC: What are you trying to pull? Why have you charged me double the amount?
Me: I didn’t know you had been served. All you had to do was say that someone was seeing to you already. You didn’t need to pay for the exact same order again!
SC: Huh? What? Are you ripping me off?
Me: Sir, how many meals did you intend to order?
SC: Well there’s just me here!
Me: You’ve paid too much then. I’ll sort you out a refund.
SC: Yeah, nice try. You failed at ripping me off!
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This story didn’t involve me. But it did have a hilarious ending.
A customer sent back a portion of toast SIX TIMES. Each time it was because it “wasn’t the correct shade of brown” It was either too light or too dark. Manager was dealing with her and was fast losing patience. She stormed into the kitchen after being sent back with some toast that was “too brown” She screamed.
M: I’M GOING TO SHOVE THIS TOAST UP HER FUCKING ASS IN A MINUTE!
A co-worker chose that moment to walk out the door. Manager’s voice echoed throughout the whole pub. EVERYONE heard her, including the SC. The SC sheepishly walked up to the bar.
SC: Umm, can you tell the manager it doesn’t matter. I’m not hungry anymore.
SC fled the building.
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I’ll end the thread with this story.
I was working a close with my favourite useless manager. The pub had shut for the night and she asked me to go and check the toilets just to make sure there were no customers hanging around. I went into the gents and spotted a cubicle that was locked. I knocked on the door.
Me: Hello? Anyone in there?
No reply. I had a weird feeling, so I stuck my head under the gap.
A middle aged man was asleep. He was completely gone and was using the toilet roll holder as a pillow. I stood up and pounded my fist on the door.
Me: Sir? We’re closed now! You need to wake up and leave!
SC: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Me: WAKE UP!!!
SC: Zzzzzzzzz!
I went and got UM. She did the same as I did. She banged on the door and yelled. All we got in return were snores.
UM: Can we get that door opened from the outside?
I inspected it. Nope.
Me: If he’s not going to wake up we’re going to have to call the police.
UM: Are you sure that’s necessary? I think you can make it under that gap.
Me: Excuse me? I’m not crawling on my chest on a floor! Think of all the splashback from all the men having a piss!
UM: I’m not sure about the police…
Me: OK. Say I crawl under there. Then what? What if he wakes and is violent? And I’m trapped in a toilet cubicle with him?
UM: Fiiiiiiinnnneee!
She called the police. They arrived pretty quickly, around five minutes later. They walked into the toilets and pounded on the door.
P: Police! Open up!
No reply. They banged on the door for over five minutes.
P: There’s no way to open this door from the outside?
UM: No.
P: Right, we may have to get the battering ram.
He sent two of the officers away to collect it. UM was freaking out and chewing her nails. A co-worker and I had sat ourselves on top of the sink area, watching with glee. The police returned with the large metal ram.
P: This is your final warning or we are going to take the door down!
No reply.
P: So be it. After three! One…t-
SC: Excuse me?
The door clicked and unlocked. The SC was stood there. He looked perfectly sober and spoke like a posh English Professor.
SC: My! What is all the fuss about?!
P: You have been asleep in there!
SC: I did no such thing! Really! This is quite alarming! How dare you do this to me?!
Everyone: WHAT?!?!
SC: I may have to speak to my solicitor! I don’t come into a pub for a quiet drink and expect to be attacked by a battering ram!
UM: You came here for a quiet nap! Not a drink! You’ve been in there for God knows how long! We only found you because we were closing for the night!
SC: Even if that were true, all you had to do was politely ask me to leave.
Everyone had their hands over their faces.
SC: Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to leave!
One of the police officers pulled him aside for a word. Another came over to us.
P: It would be an absolute waste of time to arrest him. I think we’re going to have to let him go. He’s not drunk or disorderly. He’s just a twat.
UM: Well what can we do?
P: You can ban him and we can tell him not to set foot in here ever again.
UM: Yeah! Do that! I’m pissed off!
The police led him out and sent him on his way. He tutted and moaned “This is so unnecessary!” several times.
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SC: Can I order a rump steak please?
Me: Sure. How do you like it cooked?
SC: Huh! Well, I hope it’s completely cooked if it’s all the same!
Me: OK *hits well done button*
SC: And does that come with hollandaise sauce?
Me: No it does not.
SC: Well that’s odd.
Me: Oh?
SC: Well it’s salmon! Hollandaise goes well with salmon!
Me: Salmon? But you asked for rump.
SC: What? I did not.
Me: OK. Well, we don’t actually sell salmon here…
SC: But you just asked how I would like it cooked!
Me: Because I thought you asked for a beef rump steak.
SC: What?! I don’t understand!
A regular customer was stood at the bar. He jumped in.
RC: I heard you ask for a rump steak.
SC: I did not!
Me: OK, well what would you like? Because we don’t sell salmon.
SC: I’ll have the rump then.
I almost face palmed.
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I didn’t witness the start of this. CW walked on to the bar and there were four customers waiting. She had no idea who was next. She asked and someone called out. One of the men waiting was not impressed.
SC: Oi! You fucking stupid bitch! I was next!
CW: Excuse me??
SC: Fucking idiot!
CW: Right, do you know what? Someone else can serve you, because I’m not doing it.
SC: I want to see the manager!
Manager walked out. SC went on an absolute tirade. Manager listened and nodded. SC ended his rant with this:
SC: I spend ten thousand pounds a year in here! I expect better treatment!
Manager snorted.
SC: What’s so funny?
M: Well I just find it funny that you say that and I have never seen you before.
SC: Fuck off and get me my drink.
M: Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
SC: I will spend my thousands somewhere else then!
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SC: Can I order two beef burgers please?
Me: Sure thing.
I went through the whole process.
SC: And make sure those are chicken.
Me: Chicken?
SC: Yes, make sure those beef burgers are chicken.
Me: So you want two chicken burgers?
SC: No that’s not what I’m asking for.
Me: Then what are you asking for?
The SC rolled his eyes and started talking really slowly.
SC: I want two burgers but make sure they are chicken.
I imitated his slow voice.
Me: So two chicken burgers then?
SC: NO!
Me: OK, so two burgers with chicken then?
SC: Yes.
I sent him two chicken burgers. Funnily enough, it was exactly what he wanted.
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The pub only has two booths. For some reason they are always in demand. I actually don’t understand this, because they aren’t nice places to sit. They are very small and stuck in a far corner of the pub away from everything. You can only actually comfortably seat two people in them, so it’s always amazing to watch a family of five or six try to cram into one. I guess it makes them feel like special little snowflakes to sit in them.
A customer stormed up to me.
SC: The booths are taken! AGAIN!
Me: I’m sorry?
SC: Every time I come here they are never free! It’s not fair! When is someone else going to get a turn? Answers please!
Me: I can’t really do anything about it. I can’t ask paying customers to move tables.
SC: I’m going to be a paying customer! But only if you get me those booths!
Me: I’m not asking anyone to move. You can wait for them to leave.
SC: No! I’m leaving!
A customer that was sat nearby started laughing her ass off.
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SC: Double vodka and diet Irn Bru please.
For those who do not know, Irn Bru is a popular Scottish soft drink. Although you can buy it in England, it is not commonly found in pubs, let alone in diet. I have never had anyone ask me for it while I’ve been working in pubs.
Me: I’m sorry, but we don’t serve Irn Bru here.
SC: What??? How can you not sell it?? It’s a very popular drink!!!
Me: We just don’t have any demand for it.
SC: Fine. I will have a double vodka and Fanta Fruit Twist.
Me: We don’t serve Fanta here.
SC: YOU’RE JOKING!!!
She stormed out.
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I won’t go into the major details, but this SC was a major pain in the ass from the moment she walked in. She complained about EVERYTHING. She even complained about the pattern on the carpets.
SC: I want an e-mail address so I can send a complaint!
Me: We don’t have an e-mail address. You are quite welcome to write a letter or speak to the manager.
SC: You don’t have an e-mail address????
Me: No.
SC: God! Why can’t you get with the times! This is the 20th century for Gods sake!
Me: 21st.
SC: Nooooo. It’s 2012! Not 2112! Duuuuuh!
I couldn’t deal with her anymore. I sent a manager over.
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A scary looking girl came to the bar.
SG: I was wondering if you had any jobs available at the moment?
Me: I will just go out the back and ask the manager.
SG: I have absolutely loads of experience by the way.
I spoke to manager. Nope. No jobs. She did however tell me to take the girls details so that if anything became available we could give her a call.
Me: I’m sorry, but we don’t have-
SG: You have GOT to be kidding me!
I decided not to complete my sentence and inform her that we were willing to take her details. For obvious reasons.
Me: There are no job vacancies available.
SG: But I have experience!
Me: I’m sorry, but there are just no jobs.
SG: I have been working in pubs for twelve years! I have worked in every kind of bar you can imagine! I’ve cooked pub meals as well! And you’re going to turn me away??? I want to speak to the manager!!
I got manager. I carried on serving customers and caught snippets of her rant.
SG: I bet I have more experience than half your staff put together!
SG: I know how to change barrels! I bet none of your staff are intelligent enough to do that!
SG: Oh, so I guess you would rather have people who serve with a grimace than people who serve with a smile???
Manager lost patience.
M: Geez! I can’t imagine why no one will hire you!
SG: What?
M: Just…just…shoo!
SG: Fine! Your loss!
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I wasn’t present for the first part of this. CW walks out and sees a customer waiting at the bar. CW serves customer. Customer orders food and a coffee and pays. CW goes to make coffee and discovers we are out of mugs.
CW: I will just run to the kitchen and get some more!
CW leaves.
I walk out at this point and see a customer waiting at the bar. The exact same customer. I have no idea CW had served him. I walk out and ask him what he wants. Customer orders food and a coffee and pays…again. I have no idea that customer has already paid or has even been served. I notice there are no coffee mugs and head to the kitchen. CW is already there rinsing out some.
CW: You want a mug too?
Me: Yes please. I’ve got a customer waiting at the bar.
He washes a mug and we walk out together. We both make a coffee and head down the bar and go to hand it to the exact same customer.
Me: Wait a minute. This is my customer.
CW: No. It’s my customer.
Me: Sir, which one of us served you?
SC: Huh?
Me: Can I check your receipt?
He hands it over.
Me: Sir, you have paid for the exact same order twice. Did you intend to do that?
SC: Are you trying to rip me off??
Me: What? No, sir-
SC: What are you trying to pull? Why have you charged me double the amount?
Me: I didn’t know you had been served. All you had to do was say that someone was seeing to you already. You didn’t need to pay for the exact same order again!
SC: Huh? What? Are you ripping me off?
Me: Sir, how many meals did you intend to order?
SC: Well there’s just me here!
Me: You’ve paid too much then. I’ll sort you out a refund.
SC: Yeah, nice try. You failed at ripping me off!
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This story didn’t involve me. But it did have a hilarious ending.
A customer sent back a portion of toast SIX TIMES. Each time it was because it “wasn’t the correct shade of brown” It was either too light or too dark. Manager was dealing with her and was fast losing patience. She stormed into the kitchen after being sent back with some toast that was “too brown” She screamed.
M: I’M GOING TO SHOVE THIS TOAST UP HER FUCKING ASS IN A MINUTE!
A co-worker chose that moment to walk out the door. Manager’s voice echoed throughout the whole pub. EVERYONE heard her, including the SC. The SC sheepishly walked up to the bar.
SC: Umm, can you tell the manager it doesn’t matter. I’m not hungry anymore.
SC fled the building.
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I’ll end the thread with this story.
I was working a close with my favourite useless manager. The pub had shut for the night and she asked me to go and check the toilets just to make sure there were no customers hanging around. I went into the gents and spotted a cubicle that was locked. I knocked on the door.
Me: Hello? Anyone in there?
No reply. I had a weird feeling, so I stuck my head under the gap.
A middle aged man was asleep. He was completely gone and was using the toilet roll holder as a pillow. I stood up and pounded my fist on the door.
Me: Sir? We’re closed now! You need to wake up and leave!
SC: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Me: WAKE UP!!!
SC: Zzzzzzzzz!
I went and got UM. She did the same as I did. She banged on the door and yelled. All we got in return were snores.
UM: Can we get that door opened from the outside?
I inspected it. Nope.
Me: If he’s not going to wake up we’re going to have to call the police.
UM: Are you sure that’s necessary? I think you can make it under that gap.
Me: Excuse me? I’m not crawling on my chest on a floor! Think of all the splashback from all the men having a piss!
UM: I’m not sure about the police…
Me: OK. Say I crawl under there. Then what? What if he wakes and is violent? And I’m trapped in a toilet cubicle with him?
UM: Fiiiiiiinnnneee!
She called the police. They arrived pretty quickly, around five minutes later. They walked into the toilets and pounded on the door.
P: Police! Open up!
No reply. They banged on the door for over five minutes.
P: There’s no way to open this door from the outside?
UM: No.
P: Right, we may have to get the battering ram.
He sent two of the officers away to collect it. UM was freaking out and chewing her nails. A co-worker and I had sat ourselves on top of the sink area, watching with glee. The police returned with the large metal ram.
P: This is your final warning or we are going to take the door down!
No reply.
P: So be it. After three! One…t-
SC: Excuse me?
The door clicked and unlocked. The SC was stood there. He looked perfectly sober and spoke like a posh English Professor.
SC: My! What is all the fuss about?!
P: You have been asleep in there!
SC: I did no such thing! Really! This is quite alarming! How dare you do this to me?!
Everyone: WHAT?!?!
SC: I may have to speak to my solicitor! I don’t come into a pub for a quiet drink and expect to be attacked by a battering ram!
UM: You came here for a quiet nap! Not a drink! You’ve been in there for God knows how long! We only found you because we were closing for the night!
SC: Even if that were true, all you had to do was politely ask me to leave.
Everyone had their hands over their faces.
SC: Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to leave!
One of the police officers pulled him aside for a word. Another came over to us.
P: It would be an absolute waste of time to arrest him. I think we’re going to have to let him go. He’s not drunk or disorderly. He’s just a twat.
UM: Well what can we do?
P: You can ban him and we can tell him not to set foot in here ever again.
UM: Yeah! Do that! I’m pissed off!
The police led him out and sent him on his way. He tutted and moaned “This is so unnecessary!” several times.
So funny, I was expecting them to toss a pitcher of water over. They'd be mopping anyway....
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