Tweet
(These will all be compiled someday I hope into something published...at least for my amusement, enjoy!)
Quite some time has passed since our lovable yet dashing young hero has encountered the Lords of the Suck. Dealing with only miniscule minions vehemently complaining only until put in their place by the Power of Retail, he has conquered every foe encountered, much like Batman and Robin. Much to our assumption however, is that he has had some help. For you see, DarthRetard is not alone in his training of the Powers of Retail.
He has a mentor, whom he calls Master Papercut. Ever since young Darth was a budding Retail Apprentice, Master Papercut has guided and taught him along the way through his travels and trials. He hath taught the now masterful Retail Knight everything he knows, and even as a Knight, Darth will call on his master for issues unsolvable under his limited power.
Today we catch up with Darth, handling his basic day-to-day duties ever so competently. Darth has seen troubling times, vanquished many foes, and though many have tried to weaken the Herculean hero, he has fallen only to one foe: The Young Woman. A seeming third-party villain these women are, no real motive involved, and no apparent connection with the Suck Lords and their quest to destroy the world of Customerscant. However that is a story for another time, another place. Soon Darth will have to focus all his powers and all his training on defeating and repelling his most difficult opponent yet: Lord Pagarno, a menacing woman so devilishly talented at her powers, she has been known to make men stab their own eardrums into submission to stop the mental anguish she causes with her inanity.
Darth has taken his duty shift, and it is 0930 hours. A black cat walks across his path as he takes a breather outside, enjoying God's wonderful gift, that he sadly cannot enjoy due to his duties to protect the community from human stupidity. A sacrifice made only by those willing to give it their all, and risking everything in the line of duty every day, he takes pride in his work, yet as he glances off into the distance, he cannot help but wonder if there is more out there for him somewhere.....someday....
However there is no time for such thoughts. The duty station has become busy with refugees and visitors. Darth quickly gets to work, performing his duties to the letter, as usual, flirting with the occassional attractive female, all the things a proper Knight of the Retail should do. Retail Code in his region demands that he attend to every customer and at least acknowledge them to show they are not ignored. He is to answer the ringing contact machine (known to some mortals as a phone) within three rings, inorder to provide quick rectification of the needy citizen's problem.
This morning, being a saturday, was especially busy for our hero. On busy days, our hero's Master Papercut will answer the phone from the back room in order to allow Darth to fulfill his duties more expediently. Today would prove a coming of age for Darth, a chance to prove his skills beyond his master's. Little did Darth know how badly his skills were needed, and nothing could prepare our young Knight for his upcoming encounter with an impossibly powerful nemesis.
The phone rings, and as it is too busy for Darth to pull away from his needy citizens, his Master fills in and answers the phone. Lord Pagarno has begun her war on the sound minds of Darth and his Master, beginning with Master Papercut. Master Papercut used all the techniques at his disposal to try and rid her of the line. Trying every retail mind trick he had learned, and failing to her overpowering ability to frustrate beyond means known to any mortal man, he desperately hangs up in counter to her belligerent powers of douchism.
Suck Lord Pagarno had demanded to know why she had to pay off her credit balance. For she had already paid with her credit card, why does she owe the store money? Trying to explain this to her was no simple matter for Master Papercut, and he soon gave up his desperate attempts to explain that you have to pay back what you owe. You see....her Dark Lord of the Suck master has sent her upon Darth and his Master to break them down, in order to weaken the defense against the powers of the Suck.
Darth was not about to let this happen by any means. If it meant using every ounce of his power to force her away, he would sacrifice his all in the line of duty. At about 1045 hours, Lord Pagarno called back, to finish off what she had left of the reeling Master Papercut. Sadly for her, she was mistakenly surprised when Darth's powerful voice filled the air with a resounding bass vibration, already signaling to her in her mind that her reign of terror was soon to be ended. She once again began her attacks, claiming that she had no bill and did not deserve to pay. Darth decided to call in the cavalry. He referred her attacks to the 1-800 number for his higher ups for her to deal with, in order for her to be vanquished promptly and put in her place.
To Darth's surprise, this was not good enough for Lord Pagarno. She deflected each recommendation with her mental shield of suckitude, throwing it back in Darth's face.
"Why my boy, you are the customer service, are you not? Do they not PAY you to help me? She asked with a sneer on her face, basking in her confidence. "Ma'am, I am bound only by my duties as a sales associate and basic customer service. I cannot help you with your credit card issue, that's for our customer service hotline, and that's why we have one", he replied as effectively as he could, strength draining from his body time after time of repetition. "Well can't you just answer my question? Why do I have to pay RadioShack again? I already paid with my RadioShack credit card! Why do I have to pay twice?"
To this, DarthRetard had one last ditch attempt up his sleeve. It was dangerous, and would probably send him to the brink of death in his effort. However, for the sake of his Master, and the rest of the world possibly, he had to do it. He mustered up his courage, and what he had left of his sanity, and he began to try and.....explain.
"Ma'am, using a credit card is like a loan. When I use my Capital One, they pay for me, but I still have to pay them back, plus interest, because they did me a favor and paid for me. That's the contract you sign when you sign up for a credit card. It's just a loan bound by a contract. Do you understand?"
Alas, my children, she did not. The Lord Pagarno refused to let it sink in, deflecting it with an umbrella of retardation. DarthRetard waited for her reply. "I get it now," she said. "I still dont understand why I have to pay though?"
DarthRetard had little strength left. For he had just sold his last Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to his good friend Arthur, and had no emergency attempt to rid himself of this woman. There seemed to be no way out for our young lad! Oh what to do? Nothing had worked, and nothing seemed to be able to be done!
Darth managed to muster what he had left.....and humbled his ownself in order to save others. "Ma'am, you really do need to call THIS number 1-800-THE SHACK. They can answer the complicated questions that I don't have access to the answers to. Please give them a call." Darth could not believe it, but it had worked.
To what cost though children? This young selfless hero gave himself in the line of duty so that one more person may be saved from that fate. Darth had once again saved the day, giving all he could, once again time after time.
Later, his Master called him. "Darth, I think you may be ready for the trials."
Darth responded, surprised, and somewhat perturbed,"After that? Are you fucking kidding?"
Quite some time has passed since our lovable yet dashing young hero has encountered the Lords of the Suck. Dealing with only miniscule minions vehemently complaining only until put in their place by the Power of Retail, he has conquered every foe encountered, much like Batman and Robin. Much to our assumption however, is that he has had some help. For you see, DarthRetard is not alone in his training of the Powers of Retail.
He has a mentor, whom he calls Master Papercut. Ever since young Darth was a budding Retail Apprentice, Master Papercut has guided and taught him along the way through his travels and trials. He hath taught the now masterful Retail Knight everything he knows, and even as a Knight, Darth will call on his master for issues unsolvable under his limited power.
Today we catch up with Darth, handling his basic day-to-day duties ever so competently. Darth has seen troubling times, vanquished many foes, and though many have tried to weaken the Herculean hero, he has fallen only to one foe: The Young Woman. A seeming third-party villain these women are, no real motive involved, and no apparent connection with the Suck Lords and their quest to destroy the world of Customerscant. However that is a story for another time, another place. Soon Darth will have to focus all his powers and all his training on defeating and repelling his most difficult opponent yet: Lord Pagarno, a menacing woman so devilishly talented at her powers, she has been known to make men stab their own eardrums into submission to stop the mental anguish she causes with her inanity.
Darth has taken his duty shift, and it is 0930 hours. A black cat walks across his path as he takes a breather outside, enjoying God's wonderful gift, that he sadly cannot enjoy due to his duties to protect the community from human stupidity. A sacrifice made only by those willing to give it their all, and risking everything in the line of duty every day, he takes pride in his work, yet as he glances off into the distance, he cannot help but wonder if there is more out there for him somewhere.....someday....
However there is no time for such thoughts. The duty station has become busy with refugees and visitors. Darth quickly gets to work, performing his duties to the letter, as usual, flirting with the occassional attractive female, all the things a proper Knight of the Retail should do. Retail Code in his region demands that he attend to every customer and at least acknowledge them to show they are not ignored. He is to answer the ringing contact machine (known to some mortals as a phone) within three rings, inorder to provide quick rectification of the needy citizen's problem.
This morning, being a saturday, was especially busy for our hero. On busy days, our hero's Master Papercut will answer the phone from the back room in order to allow Darth to fulfill his duties more expediently. Today would prove a coming of age for Darth, a chance to prove his skills beyond his master's. Little did Darth know how badly his skills were needed, and nothing could prepare our young Knight for his upcoming encounter with an impossibly powerful nemesis.
The phone rings, and as it is too busy for Darth to pull away from his needy citizens, his Master fills in and answers the phone. Lord Pagarno has begun her war on the sound minds of Darth and his Master, beginning with Master Papercut. Master Papercut used all the techniques at his disposal to try and rid her of the line. Trying every retail mind trick he had learned, and failing to her overpowering ability to frustrate beyond means known to any mortal man, he desperately hangs up in counter to her belligerent powers of douchism.
Suck Lord Pagarno had demanded to know why she had to pay off her credit balance. For she had already paid with her credit card, why does she owe the store money? Trying to explain this to her was no simple matter for Master Papercut, and he soon gave up his desperate attempts to explain that you have to pay back what you owe. You see....her Dark Lord of the Suck master has sent her upon Darth and his Master to break them down, in order to weaken the defense against the powers of the Suck.
Darth was not about to let this happen by any means. If it meant using every ounce of his power to force her away, he would sacrifice his all in the line of duty. At about 1045 hours, Lord Pagarno called back, to finish off what she had left of the reeling Master Papercut. Sadly for her, she was mistakenly surprised when Darth's powerful voice filled the air with a resounding bass vibration, already signaling to her in her mind that her reign of terror was soon to be ended. She once again began her attacks, claiming that she had no bill and did not deserve to pay. Darth decided to call in the cavalry. He referred her attacks to the 1-800 number for his higher ups for her to deal with, in order for her to be vanquished promptly and put in her place.
To Darth's surprise, this was not good enough for Lord Pagarno. She deflected each recommendation with her mental shield of suckitude, throwing it back in Darth's face.
"Why my boy, you are the customer service, are you not? Do they not PAY you to help me? She asked with a sneer on her face, basking in her confidence. "Ma'am, I am bound only by my duties as a sales associate and basic customer service. I cannot help you with your credit card issue, that's for our customer service hotline, and that's why we have one", he replied as effectively as he could, strength draining from his body time after time of repetition. "Well can't you just answer my question? Why do I have to pay RadioShack again? I already paid with my RadioShack credit card! Why do I have to pay twice?"
To this, DarthRetard had one last ditch attempt up his sleeve. It was dangerous, and would probably send him to the brink of death in his effort. However, for the sake of his Master, and the rest of the world possibly, he had to do it. He mustered up his courage, and what he had left of his sanity, and he began to try and.....explain.
"Ma'am, using a credit card is like a loan. When I use my Capital One, they pay for me, but I still have to pay them back, plus interest, because they did me a favor and paid for me. That's the contract you sign when you sign up for a credit card. It's just a loan bound by a contract. Do you understand?"
Alas, my children, she did not. The Lord Pagarno refused to let it sink in, deflecting it with an umbrella of retardation. DarthRetard waited for her reply. "I get it now," she said. "I still dont understand why I have to pay though?"
DarthRetard had little strength left. For he had just sold his last Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to his good friend Arthur, and had no emergency attempt to rid himself of this woman. There seemed to be no way out for our young lad! Oh what to do? Nothing had worked, and nothing seemed to be able to be done!
Darth managed to muster what he had left.....and humbled his ownself in order to save others. "Ma'am, you really do need to call THIS number 1-800-THE SHACK. They can answer the complicated questions that I don't have access to the answers to. Please give them a call." Darth could not believe it, but it had worked.
To what cost though children? This young selfless hero gave himself in the line of duty so that one more person may be saved from that fate. Darth had once again saved the day, giving all he could, once again time after time.
Later, his Master called him. "Darth, I think you may be ready for the trials."
Darth responded, surprised, and somewhat perturbed,"After that? Are you fucking kidding?"
Comment