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"I got a book about the CIA."
.
...wut?
SC: "I subscribed to your mailing list, but, I'm receiving too much email, so I want to stop it."
Me: [No suck at this point; it happens from time to time.] "That's no problem at all; I've removed your address from the list. The change takes effect immediately."
SC: "But, I still want to know about the latest news."
Me: "Okay, I can set you up with what we call our 'digest' mailing list. It's a summary of all the news from the past week."
SC: "That's still too much mail. I just won't have time to read it all."
Me: "Well, I'm afraid we only have the two options to offer you. What exactly would you like us to do?"
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: "..." [Seems like she hasn't though this through.]
Me: "..."
SC: "...couldn't you just call me every night and tell me about everything that happened during the day?"
Me: "...wut?"
Upon further questioning, I discovered she was ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS.
I thought it was funny.
SC: "Hello. This is 1872421 calling."
Me: "Uh--" [account number search] "--ok, may I call you Sarah, or do you prefer Ms. 1872421?"
SC: "..."
The customers totally do not appreciate my sense of humor.
Different customer, same story.
SC: "Hello, I would like to order [product]."
Me: "Certainly, may I start with your first and last name please."
SC: "...could I just give you my account number instead?"
Me: "Sure."
SC: "It's 1895457."
Me: "Ok, I--"
SC: "It's easier that way."
I have come to the conclusion that all those companies that did advertising about how customers are "more than just a number" have totally taken the wrong approach.
Thank you, Amazing Kreskin!
SC: "Hello. I have called your phone."
NO WAY!! Like, REALLY!?
You are far too excited to be a user of our product.
Me: "Good morning. My name is Mango."
SC: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Mango! How do ye do and how do ye do and how do ye do and howdoyedoandhowdoyedoandhowdedoanhowdedoanhowdedo??!?!?!?!?
Tell "ye" what, we're just going to go ahead and reduce your Espresso intake by FIVE THOUSAND MILLILITRES PER DAY.
Rigorous Questioning
SC: "Do you know about the CIA?"
Me: "I guess so,"
SC: "The CIA is spying on everyone, you know!"
Me: "Is that a fact?"
SC: "Oh yes. They have agents in every city and we're all under surveillance. This is against our constitutional rights!"
Me: "Really."
SC: "They watch every move we make. And they record it all. They have files on each one of us going back years!"
Me: "Uh-huh."
SC: "Next week they're going to start spraying biochemicals in our air. OUR AIR!!"
Me: "That is very interesting. I just have one question."
SC: "Yes?"
Me: "What does CIA stand for?"
SC: "Oh, it stands for, you know, CI, uh, C, uh, Canadian I American, uh, um..."
Me: "..."
SC: [click]
Me:
I always did believe the best confirmation of someone's knowledge of a subject is if they could withstand rigorous questioning.
Ah, but did the book say what it stands for?
SC: "I got a book about the CIA."
Me: "Oh?"
SC: "I recommend you read it."
Me: "What's it called?"
SC: "It's called Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA."
Me: "Can you hold it up?"
SC: "Huh?"
Me: "Hold it up." [search Amazon.com] "Oh, I see; it has a red cover?"
SC: [slams down phone!]
Me:
I've labeled this individual "SC" but she only calls to annoy us and isn't an actual customer. I would NEVER say this sort of thing to a real customer. Probably. Maybe.
Offended website is offended.
Dear customer, I see that you have returned an order form by postal mail. That is fine. That is what we send them out for. I also see that you have vehemently crossed out every mention of our website, and also written on the bottom of the form in big letters "SOME OF US DO NOT HAVE, NOR WANT, A COMPUTER."
May I ask: what did a website ever do to you?
Fulfillment by Rumor
I have a customer who has ordered and paid for some of our products. He has given me:
- His buzzer number (not relevant for addressing purposes)
- His suite number
- The city
I need his street address. I have asked him for this. He took seven days to respond.
He has in fact sent me his suite number again.
I am NOT shipping something to "Frank, Suite 118, Surrey."
Woah. I reread Gravekeeper's story moments AFTER I wrote this story. Frank apparently does get around.
__________________
My fifth customer in this post is no doubt as much a fan of Canadian folk music as I am.
...wut?
SC: "I subscribed to your mailing list, but, I'm receiving too much email, so I want to stop it."
Me: [No suck at this point; it happens from time to time.] "That's no problem at all; I've removed your address from the list. The change takes effect immediately."
SC: "But, I still want to know about the latest news."
Me: "Okay, I can set you up with what we call our 'digest' mailing list. It's a summary of all the news from the past week."
SC: "That's still too much mail. I just won't have time to read it all."
Me: "Well, I'm afraid we only have the two options to offer you. What exactly would you like us to do?"
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: "..." [Seems like she hasn't though this through.]
Me: "..."
SC: "...couldn't you just call me every night and tell me about everything that happened during the day?"
Me: "...wut?"
Upon further questioning, I discovered she was ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS.
I thought it was funny.
SC: "Hello. This is 1872421 calling."
Me: "Uh--" [account number search] "--ok, may I call you Sarah, or do you prefer Ms. 1872421?"
SC: "..."
The customers totally do not appreciate my sense of humor.
Different customer, same story.
SC: "Hello, I would like to order [product]."
Me: "Certainly, may I start with your first and last name please."
SC: "...could I just give you my account number instead?"
Me: "Sure."
SC: "It's 1895457."
Me: "Ok, I--"
SC: "It's easier that way."
I have come to the conclusion that all those companies that did advertising about how customers are "more than just a number" have totally taken the wrong approach.
Thank you, Amazing Kreskin!
SC: "Hello. I have called your phone."
NO WAY!! Like, REALLY!?
You are far too excited to be a user of our product.
Me: "Good morning. My name is Mango."
SC: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Mango! How do ye do and how do ye do and how do ye do and howdoyedoandhowdoyedoandhowdedoanhowdedoanhowdedo??!?!?!?!?
Tell "ye" what, we're just going to go ahead and reduce your Espresso intake by FIVE THOUSAND MILLILITRES PER DAY.
Rigorous Questioning
SC: "Do you know about the CIA?"
Me: "I guess so,"
SC: "The CIA is spying on everyone, you know!"
Me: "Is that a fact?"
SC: "Oh yes. They have agents in every city and we're all under surveillance. This is against our constitutional rights!"
Me: "Really."
SC: "They watch every move we make. And they record it all. They have files on each one of us going back years!"
Me: "Uh-huh."
SC: "Next week they're going to start spraying biochemicals in our air. OUR AIR!!"
Me: "That is very interesting. I just have one question."
SC: "Yes?"
Me: "What does CIA stand for?"
SC: "Oh, it stands for, you know, CI, uh, C, uh, Canadian I American, uh, um..."
Me: "..."
SC: [click]
Me:
I always did believe the best confirmation of someone's knowledge of a subject is if they could withstand rigorous questioning.
Ah, but did the book say what it stands for?
SC: "I got a book about the CIA."
Me: "Oh?"
SC: "I recommend you read it."
Me: "What's it called?"
SC: "It's called Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA."
Me: "Can you hold it up?"
SC: "Huh?"
Me: "Hold it up." [search Amazon.com] "Oh, I see; it has a red cover?"
SC: [slams down phone!]
Me:
I've labeled this individual "SC" but she only calls to annoy us and isn't an actual customer. I would NEVER say this sort of thing to a real customer. Probably. Maybe.
Offended website is offended.
Dear customer, I see that you have returned an order form by postal mail. That is fine. That is what we send them out for. I also see that you have vehemently crossed out every mention of our website, and also written on the bottom of the form in big letters "SOME OF US DO NOT HAVE, NOR WANT, A COMPUTER."
May I ask: what did a website ever do to you?
Fulfillment by Rumor
I have a customer who has ordered and paid for some of our products. He has given me:
- His buzzer number (not relevant for addressing purposes)
- His suite number
- The city
I need his street address. I have asked him for this. He took seven days to respond.
He has in fact sent me his suite number again.
I am NOT shipping something to "Frank, Suite 118, Surrey."
Woah. I reread Gravekeeper's story moments AFTER I wrote this story. Frank apparently does get around.
__________________
My fifth customer in this post is no doubt as much a fan of Canadian folk music as I am.
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