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So it begins....
Tech Support
Caller explained that his computer was making "too much noise" so he "pulled out some cables" and now the computer doesn't work. That's right, he unplugged the computer and now he doesn't know why it won't turn on. I mean I can accept that some people aren't computer literate but this is a pretty basic rule we're violating here. If its not plugged in its not going to turn on. Electric things need....GASP! Electricity!
So somehow I can't help but think there are bigger issues in his life that this guy needs to be addressing first. You know, like learning how to walk upright.
Vending...
SC: "Is this <Company> Vending?"
Me: "This is their paging service, yes."
SC: "Dating service?"
Me: "…no, paging service."
Yes, that’s right, we make date vending machines. You'll need a *lot* of quarters though and God help you if she gets stuck because its really hard to jar them loose (Especially if they see what your stupid ass looks like through the glass.)
Oh, and please wait till you get home before you take the wrapper off.
Make My Day
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "…uh….."
Ah yes, my favourite response to that question. The very moment I ask a question and the response is a sudden slackening of the jaw, a vacant stare and a confused, muted howl of complete unknowing. I assure you that moment is total bliss for me. No, really. The only way you could make this exquisite period of my time any better is by following this up with at least 30 seconds of dead silence while you struggle to absorb and understand my inquiry. If you resort to asking someone else in the background that would just totally make my day.
The Legend of Bob
Me: "What software are you using??"
SC: "Um, hang on. HEY BOB WHAT SOFTWARE DO WE RUN?!"
Me: "…."
SC: "<softwarename>."
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "Er, hang on. HEY BOB WHATS OUR NUMBER HERE?!"
Me: "….."
Hey! Here's an idea, monkey boy: Why don't you give Bob the phone. He seems far more qualified to operate such a complex device then you are. Plus it seems like he actually has some concept of where he is and what he's doing. In fact I demand you put Bob on the phone. That man has information! Valuable information! I bet he knows where my socks are. Quick! Put him on the line! I MUST SPEAK WITH THIS ORACLE YOU CALL BOB.
867
Me: "and your phone number?" (Is this question cursed tonight or something?)
SC: "Uh, I don't have a phone."
Me: "Is there ANY number you can be reached at?"
SC: "I have a cell phone."
You know, and maybe I'm wrong here, but doesn't that mean you do in fact have a phone? The very words "I have a cell phone" seem to imply ownership of a telecommunications device. Unless this some sort of bizarre non-possessive relationship you have with the cell phone. So its not like "I have a" as in "I own" but more like "I have a" as in "I'm in a relationship with." Like "I have a girlfriend.". So I guess I can understand why you were not willing to divulge such information to me to begin with. I mean, one does not merely lend out their significant other (At least not without an Internet ad and/or possible exchange of cash) so I suppose your reluctance is a given.
Thus I apologize for what to you, must have been a brazen proposition on my part. I wish you and your battery operated lover a long and happy life.
( I managed to avoid a "vibrate" joke but only just )
Movements
Caller shared with me far far more detail about her bowel movements then I have ever wanted to hear from anyone. The intial batch of information proved to be insufficient so she called back to give me more (What have I done Lord? Why must I suffer?). That too proved to be insufficient so she called back to give me yet MORE information on her bowel movements or lack there of. Please, please make it stop. She did assure me that "Gravekeeper" was a beautiful name though. Which moved the call from the sphere of "grotesquely unpleasant" to "disturbingly creepy".
Let me tell you nothing takes the fun out of a conversation like the word "enema".
Oh hey she called back a 4th time. That seals it, there is no God.
and the week is only just beginning.....
Tech Support
Caller explained that his computer was making "too much noise" so he "pulled out some cables" and now the computer doesn't work. That's right, he unplugged the computer and now he doesn't know why it won't turn on. I mean I can accept that some people aren't computer literate but this is a pretty basic rule we're violating here. If its not plugged in its not going to turn on. Electric things need....GASP! Electricity!
So somehow I can't help but think there are bigger issues in his life that this guy needs to be addressing first. You know, like learning how to walk upright.
Vending...
SC: "Is this <Company> Vending?"
Me: "This is their paging service, yes."
SC: "Dating service?"
Me: "…no, paging service."
Yes, that’s right, we make date vending machines. You'll need a *lot* of quarters though and God help you if she gets stuck because its really hard to jar them loose (Especially if they see what your stupid ass looks like through the glass.)
Oh, and please wait till you get home before you take the wrapper off.
Make My Day
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "…uh….."
Ah yes, my favourite response to that question. The very moment I ask a question and the response is a sudden slackening of the jaw, a vacant stare and a confused, muted howl of complete unknowing. I assure you that moment is total bliss for me. No, really. The only way you could make this exquisite period of my time any better is by following this up with at least 30 seconds of dead silence while you struggle to absorb and understand my inquiry. If you resort to asking someone else in the background that would just totally make my day.
The Legend of Bob
Me: "What software are you using??"
SC: "Um, hang on. HEY BOB WHAT SOFTWARE DO WE RUN?!"
Me: "…."
SC: "<softwarename>."
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "Er, hang on. HEY BOB WHATS OUR NUMBER HERE?!"
Me: "….."
Hey! Here's an idea, monkey boy: Why don't you give Bob the phone. He seems far more qualified to operate such a complex device then you are. Plus it seems like he actually has some concept of where he is and what he's doing. In fact I demand you put Bob on the phone. That man has information! Valuable information! I bet he knows where my socks are. Quick! Put him on the line! I MUST SPEAK WITH THIS ORACLE YOU CALL BOB.
867
Me: "and your phone number?" (Is this question cursed tonight or something?)
SC: "Uh, I don't have a phone."
Me: "Is there ANY number you can be reached at?"
SC: "I have a cell phone."
You know, and maybe I'm wrong here, but doesn't that mean you do in fact have a phone? The very words "I have a cell phone" seem to imply ownership of a telecommunications device. Unless this some sort of bizarre non-possessive relationship you have with the cell phone. So its not like "I have a" as in "I own" but more like "I have a" as in "I'm in a relationship with." Like "I have a girlfriend.". So I guess I can understand why you were not willing to divulge such information to me to begin with. I mean, one does not merely lend out their significant other (At least not without an Internet ad and/or possible exchange of cash) so I suppose your reluctance is a given.
Thus I apologize for what to you, must have been a brazen proposition on my part. I wish you and your battery operated lover a long and happy life.
( I managed to avoid a "vibrate" joke but only just )
Movements
Caller shared with me far far more detail about her bowel movements then I have ever wanted to hear from anyone. The intial batch of information proved to be insufficient so she called back to give me more (What have I done Lord? Why must I suffer?). That too proved to be insufficient so she called back to give me yet MORE information on her bowel movements or lack there of. Please, please make it stop. She did assure me that "Gravekeeper" was a beautiful name though. Which moved the call from the sphere of "grotesquely unpleasant" to "disturbingly creepy".
Let me tell you nothing takes the fun out of a conversation like the word "enema".
Oh hey she called back a 4th time. That seals it, there is no God.
and the week is only just beginning.....
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