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I wasn’t even supposed to be working, but a co-worker slashed his hand on a broken glass and had to be taken to hospital so I was called in.
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A lovely mother went into our disabled toilet and decided to flush a nappy, despite there being a bin right next to the thing. As a result the toilet was completely clogged and overflowing. There was no way anyone could reach it and no one was willing to try. As a result we closed the disabled bathroom.
Of course we get a do-gooder storming up to the bar. He was not disabled.
SC: Why is the disabled toilet out of order???
Me: It has been completely clogged. It can’t be used.
SC: Then you have to CLOSE the pub!
Me: No we don’t.
SC: You do! It is a LEGAL requirement that ALL businesses have a disabled bathroom.
Me: It actually isn’t. We can’t do anything about it. We are waiting for a plumber to arrive in the morning. It would be a health hazard to let anyone use it.
SC: You are BREAKING THE LAW!
Me: I can think of about ten pubs off the top of my head in the area that do not have disabled toilets. The two down the street for example.
SC: You are not allowed to be open!
Me: OK then. We’ll close. Can you make your way to the door please?
SC: What? But I’m having a drink with my wife!
Me: But I thought that’s what you wanted.
SC: I want to speak to the manager!!
He said the exact same to my manager, word for word. The manager also sarcastically told him to leave.
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Co-worker is serving a man at the bar. The customer can’t make his mind up over which ale to buy.
SC: I can’t decide! I like them all! I guess I will just buy all three!
CW: Good choice! Would you like pints?
SC: NO! Do you think I’m some sort of alcoholic! I don’t want pints! Make them half pints! Stupid girl!
All of us were stood behind the bar completely shocked. CW looked upset and went to get the drinks. If it was me, I would have told him to get out. For some reason the customer next to him jumped in. They didn’t know each other.
SC2: You were quite right to say that to her. She was very rude to you.
SC: She was, wasn’t she? I want to speak to the manager about her!
Everyone: What?????
A different co-worker spoke up.
CW2: Please explain to me how she was rude to you?? She was nothing but friendly and polite!
SC: Do you want to butt out? This is none of your business. I want to speak to the manager.
CW2: Fine. I’ll show you what being rude really is.
CW2 walked off the bar to get the manager and mumbled “You fucking prick” as left. He returned.
CW2: …and she was not rude at all! I will defend her all the way.
Me: And so will I. She did nothing wrong.
CW3: She was courteous and friendly. And if he comes to the bar again I am using my right to refuse service. How dare he complain?
SC: Excuse me! I am standing right here!
CW3: Good! I want everyone to see what a pathetic little bully you are.
CW: It’s fine. Really.
M: OK guys back down. I will talk to the customer.
I don’t know what was said, but it ended with the manager taking his drinks off him and saying “They were right! You really are a fucking prick!”
SC: This is a witch hunt! I will never come back here again!
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Served a table of four some meals. The leader, an extremely overweight man called me over.
SC: I don’t think this fish is fresh!
Me: I’m sorry, in what way?
SC: It’s been cooked from frozen.
Me: Our fish is not frozen. It is delivered to us chilled and kept in the fridge.
SC: See, I knew it wasn’t fresh. This is a seaside town. I would have thought I would have at least got some fish that was freshly caught!
Me: It’s not freshly caught unfortunately. If it was it would be A LOT more expensive.
SC: Fine. Fine. Just go.
Suddenly, I heard a click and saw a flash. It was the table next to them. One of the young guys had taken a photograph on his phone.
SC: What are you doing?
YG: This is going on Facebook under the tag: Moaning old man expects far too much from a £3 meal.
I walked away very quickly as I was trying not to laugh.
Turns out YG has several mutual friends of mine on Facebook, as the photograph appeared in my newsfeed after a few friends liked it.
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SC: The front door here is far too heavy! Get it sorted!
That was the entire complaint. This person must have been extremely weak. I’ve seen toddlers open the door and flee the building before! Plus, what exactly are we meant to do? Replace the door with paper?
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A group of kids came up to the bar. I recognised them from my school job. Although they had already left school, they could not have been 18.
SC: Oh my God! It’s Mr Customersruinmylife!
Me: Hi guys, nice try but unfortunately I can’t serve you.
SC: Oh it’s fine. We understand.
They continued to stand there and stare at the other staff.
Me: What are you doing?
SC: Well, we know that you can’t serve us, so we will just wait for someone else to do it.
Me: You are aware that I am going to tell them you are underage right?
SC: No. That’s not how it works. If they serve us without asking for ID it’s fine.
Me: But I’m going to tell them you don’t have any.
SC: You can’t do that!
One of the girls burst out crying.
SC2: We thought you were cool!
They left. Awkward.
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A crazy looking lady appeared at the end of the bar.
SC: EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME! YOU NEED TO SORT OUT THE BEHAVIOUR OF SOME OF YOUR CUSTOMERS! THEY ARE BULLYING ME AND MY HUSBANDDDDDDDD!!
Me: OK ma’am. I will just finish serving my customer and then I will be right with you. If you’re feeling uncomfortable just stay at the end of the bar. I’ll be right over.
Did she wait? Did she fuck. She walked behind the freaking bar and headed for the office!
CW: MA’AM!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT!
SC: I AM BEING HARASSED! GET SOMEONE OVER THERE! I NEED HELP!
You got that right. CW shooed her away and went over to the table. I went with him. It turned out the “bullies” were a co-workers sister and a friend. CW’s sister put her hands over her face.
CWS: Oh for fucks sake.
SC: IT’S THESE TWO! THESE LITTLE BITCHES ARE BULLYING ME AND MY HUSBAND!
CWS: We haven’t done anything you crazy cow. You sat down and whined to your husband that you didn’t want to be sat next to a “pair of little sluts” at the top of your voice. I simply told you to keep your nasty little comments to yourself in future or my fist might accidentally meet your teeth.
SC: YOU SEE WHAT SHE’S LIKE!
Me: OK I think the only way we can solve this is if one of you moves to the other end of the pub and you simply keep away from each other.
SC: BUT THEY’RE BULLIES!
Me: This is not a school playground and I am not a teacher.
CWS: We’ll move customersruinmylife.
SC: NO! WE’RE LEAVING!
She grabbed her coat and quiet husband and stormed out, not before turning around and giving me a dramatic evil look as she opened the door.
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SC: Can I have a pint of Fosters and half an ale.
Me: Sure.
I rang it through.
Me: That is £x.xx
SC: What?? How come it’s more expensive??
Me: I’m sorry?
SC: That’s more expensive than my last round!
I checked my screen. Oops. I had accidentally rang it the wrong way round. I rang a pint of ale and half a fosters, so I got it backwards. And how much more expensive was it for him?
A penny.
Me: Oh I’m sorry. I rang it incorrectly. You’re right, the total is £x.xx
SC: *massive sigh* So how on earth did you allow that to happen?
I explained what I did.
SC: That’s really incompetant. You almost ripped me off.
Me: I am sorry, it was a genuine mistake.
SC: Your drinks are expensive enough as it is without you charging people more for them.
Me: Again I’m sorry.
SC: Oh I’m not annoyed. I just find what you did absolutely disgusting.
He walked away with his nose in the air.
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An annoying regular came up to the bar during a rush. He is very slow at ordering. He demands a sample of every beer we have on (the management say we have to provide samples of beer if asked) and then he stands there for five minutes debating which one to buy. He does this every single time he comes to the bar even if he’s already tried them. This was his second time trying everything. He stood there slowly sipping the samples and smacking his lips while a bar full of angry customers glared at me.
Me: I will just serve a customer and come back to you once you have made up your mind.
SC: I AM YOUR CUSTOMER! YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!
I ignored him and served. I managed to serve seven customers by the time he made up his mind.
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The rush was still going on. A lady who looked the spit of Cruella DeVille came up to the bar.
SC: I say, hello? Vodka tonic please?
There were about twenty customers ahead of her, so of course she got ignored. Every single time a co-worker walked past here I heard:
SC: Vodka tonic?
SC: Vodka tonic please!
SC: I want a vodka tonic!
SC: Vodka tonic? Vodka tonic? Vodka tonic?
CW: I think there’s an impatient lady who wants a vodka tonic!
CW2: Really???!!!!
Everyone behind the bar burst out laughing.
SC: Vodka tonic?
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A massive group of people came into the pub. They were very loud and annoying. Oh and they were also in fancy dress. The theme: Shrek.
Shrek was impatient at the bar and had to be warned not to be so rude to the staff.
Rapunzel was warned about her language.
The gingerbread man threw a hissy fit when he was asked for ID.
Puss in Boots was refused service for being too drunk.
Oh and the cherry on top? Princess Fiona and Snow White got in a fight and had to be thrown out by the doorstaff.
It was bizarre to say the least.
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A couple of co-workers and myself finished at the same time and decided to go for a drink. However we desperately wanted a change of scenery and went to a different pub. Unfortunately this pub had a dress code that didn’t allow anything with hoods to be worn, so we had to go in wearing our bar uniforms. Oh, and this place had the same uniform.
SC: Excuse me, can you come wipe down my table?
Me: I don’t work here.
SC: If you can’t be bothered all you have to do is say so!
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SC: What the fuck are you doing in here?
Me: Nice to see you too.
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SC: I think you’re setting a really bad example coming in here! You should be thinking about your business!
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SC: Are you working tomorrow? What drinks offers do you have? How much are the cocktails??
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SC: Hey you guys work in that pub right? You served us!
Me: Oh right. Hi.
SC: Yeah…so how about a round of drinks for me and my friends?
Me/CWs: Whaaaat??
SC: Come on. You guys have jobs and earn money!
CW: I want to go somewhere else.
Me: Lets.
SC: You don’t have to be so rude!
CW: Says you!
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As we left, we ran into Puss in Boots. She recognised us and threatened us with her plastic sword.
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A lovely mother went into our disabled toilet and decided to flush a nappy, despite there being a bin right next to the thing. As a result the toilet was completely clogged and overflowing. There was no way anyone could reach it and no one was willing to try. As a result we closed the disabled bathroom.
Of course we get a do-gooder storming up to the bar. He was not disabled.
SC: Why is the disabled toilet out of order???
Me: It has been completely clogged. It can’t be used.
SC: Then you have to CLOSE the pub!
Me: No we don’t.
SC: You do! It is a LEGAL requirement that ALL businesses have a disabled bathroom.
Me: It actually isn’t. We can’t do anything about it. We are waiting for a plumber to arrive in the morning. It would be a health hazard to let anyone use it.
SC: You are BREAKING THE LAW!
Me: I can think of about ten pubs off the top of my head in the area that do not have disabled toilets. The two down the street for example.
SC: You are not allowed to be open!
Me: OK then. We’ll close. Can you make your way to the door please?
SC: What? But I’m having a drink with my wife!
Me: But I thought that’s what you wanted.
SC: I want to speak to the manager!!
He said the exact same to my manager, word for word. The manager also sarcastically told him to leave.
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Co-worker is serving a man at the bar. The customer can’t make his mind up over which ale to buy.
SC: I can’t decide! I like them all! I guess I will just buy all three!
CW: Good choice! Would you like pints?
SC: NO! Do you think I’m some sort of alcoholic! I don’t want pints! Make them half pints! Stupid girl!
All of us were stood behind the bar completely shocked. CW looked upset and went to get the drinks. If it was me, I would have told him to get out. For some reason the customer next to him jumped in. They didn’t know each other.
SC2: You were quite right to say that to her. She was very rude to you.
SC: She was, wasn’t she? I want to speak to the manager about her!
Everyone: What?????
A different co-worker spoke up.
CW2: Please explain to me how she was rude to you?? She was nothing but friendly and polite!
SC: Do you want to butt out? This is none of your business. I want to speak to the manager.
CW2: Fine. I’ll show you what being rude really is.
CW2 walked off the bar to get the manager and mumbled “You fucking prick” as left. He returned.
CW2: …and she was not rude at all! I will defend her all the way.
Me: And so will I. She did nothing wrong.
CW3: She was courteous and friendly. And if he comes to the bar again I am using my right to refuse service. How dare he complain?
SC: Excuse me! I am standing right here!
CW3: Good! I want everyone to see what a pathetic little bully you are.
CW: It’s fine. Really.
M: OK guys back down. I will talk to the customer.
I don’t know what was said, but it ended with the manager taking his drinks off him and saying “They were right! You really are a fucking prick!”
SC: This is a witch hunt! I will never come back here again!
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Served a table of four some meals. The leader, an extremely overweight man called me over.
SC: I don’t think this fish is fresh!
Me: I’m sorry, in what way?
SC: It’s been cooked from frozen.
Me: Our fish is not frozen. It is delivered to us chilled and kept in the fridge.
SC: See, I knew it wasn’t fresh. This is a seaside town. I would have thought I would have at least got some fish that was freshly caught!
Me: It’s not freshly caught unfortunately. If it was it would be A LOT more expensive.
SC: Fine. Fine. Just go.
Suddenly, I heard a click and saw a flash. It was the table next to them. One of the young guys had taken a photograph on his phone.
SC: What are you doing?
YG: This is going on Facebook under the tag: Moaning old man expects far too much from a £3 meal.
I walked away very quickly as I was trying not to laugh.
Turns out YG has several mutual friends of mine on Facebook, as the photograph appeared in my newsfeed after a few friends liked it.
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SC: The front door here is far too heavy! Get it sorted!
That was the entire complaint. This person must have been extremely weak. I’ve seen toddlers open the door and flee the building before! Plus, what exactly are we meant to do? Replace the door with paper?
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A group of kids came up to the bar. I recognised them from my school job. Although they had already left school, they could not have been 18.
SC: Oh my God! It’s Mr Customersruinmylife!
Me: Hi guys, nice try but unfortunately I can’t serve you.
SC: Oh it’s fine. We understand.
They continued to stand there and stare at the other staff.
Me: What are you doing?
SC: Well, we know that you can’t serve us, so we will just wait for someone else to do it.
Me: You are aware that I am going to tell them you are underage right?
SC: No. That’s not how it works. If they serve us without asking for ID it’s fine.
Me: But I’m going to tell them you don’t have any.
SC: You can’t do that!
One of the girls burst out crying.
SC2: We thought you were cool!
They left. Awkward.
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A crazy looking lady appeared at the end of the bar.
SC: EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME! YOU NEED TO SORT OUT THE BEHAVIOUR OF SOME OF YOUR CUSTOMERS! THEY ARE BULLYING ME AND MY HUSBANDDDDDDDD!!
Me: OK ma’am. I will just finish serving my customer and then I will be right with you. If you’re feeling uncomfortable just stay at the end of the bar. I’ll be right over.
Did she wait? Did she fuck. She walked behind the freaking bar and headed for the office!
CW: MA’AM!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT!
SC: I AM BEING HARASSED! GET SOMEONE OVER THERE! I NEED HELP!
You got that right. CW shooed her away and went over to the table. I went with him. It turned out the “bullies” were a co-workers sister and a friend. CW’s sister put her hands over her face.
CWS: Oh for fucks sake.
SC: IT’S THESE TWO! THESE LITTLE BITCHES ARE BULLYING ME AND MY HUSBAND!
CWS: We haven’t done anything you crazy cow. You sat down and whined to your husband that you didn’t want to be sat next to a “pair of little sluts” at the top of your voice. I simply told you to keep your nasty little comments to yourself in future or my fist might accidentally meet your teeth.
SC: YOU SEE WHAT SHE’S LIKE!
Me: OK I think the only way we can solve this is if one of you moves to the other end of the pub and you simply keep away from each other.
SC: BUT THEY’RE BULLIES!
Me: This is not a school playground and I am not a teacher.
CWS: We’ll move customersruinmylife.
SC: NO! WE’RE LEAVING!
She grabbed her coat and quiet husband and stormed out, not before turning around and giving me a dramatic evil look as she opened the door.
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SC: Can I have a pint of Fosters and half an ale.
Me: Sure.
I rang it through.
Me: That is £x.xx
SC: What?? How come it’s more expensive??
Me: I’m sorry?
SC: That’s more expensive than my last round!
I checked my screen. Oops. I had accidentally rang it the wrong way round. I rang a pint of ale and half a fosters, so I got it backwards. And how much more expensive was it for him?
A penny.
Me: Oh I’m sorry. I rang it incorrectly. You’re right, the total is £x.xx
SC: *massive sigh* So how on earth did you allow that to happen?
I explained what I did.
SC: That’s really incompetant. You almost ripped me off.
Me: I am sorry, it was a genuine mistake.
SC: Your drinks are expensive enough as it is without you charging people more for them.
Me: Again I’m sorry.
SC: Oh I’m not annoyed. I just find what you did absolutely disgusting.
He walked away with his nose in the air.
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An annoying regular came up to the bar during a rush. He is very slow at ordering. He demands a sample of every beer we have on (the management say we have to provide samples of beer if asked) and then he stands there for five minutes debating which one to buy. He does this every single time he comes to the bar even if he’s already tried them. This was his second time trying everything. He stood there slowly sipping the samples and smacking his lips while a bar full of angry customers glared at me.
Me: I will just serve a customer and come back to you once you have made up your mind.
SC: I AM YOUR CUSTOMER! YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!
I ignored him and served. I managed to serve seven customers by the time he made up his mind.
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The rush was still going on. A lady who looked the spit of Cruella DeVille came up to the bar.
SC: I say, hello? Vodka tonic please?
There were about twenty customers ahead of her, so of course she got ignored. Every single time a co-worker walked past here I heard:
SC: Vodka tonic?
SC: Vodka tonic please!
SC: I want a vodka tonic!
SC: Vodka tonic? Vodka tonic? Vodka tonic?
CW: I think there’s an impatient lady who wants a vodka tonic!
CW2: Really???!!!!
Everyone behind the bar burst out laughing.
SC: Vodka tonic?
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A massive group of people came into the pub. They were very loud and annoying. Oh and they were also in fancy dress. The theme: Shrek.
Shrek was impatient at the bar and had to be warned not to be so rude to the staff.
Rapunzel was warned about her language.
The gingerbread man threw a hissy fit when he was asked for ID.
Puss in Boots was refused service for being too drunk.
Oh and the cherry on top? Princess Fiona and Snow White got in a fight and had to be thrown out by the doorstaff.
It was bizarre to say the least.
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A couple of co-workers and myself finished at the same time and decided to go for a drink. However we desperately wanted a change of scenery and went to a different pub. Unfortunately this pub had a dress code that didn’t allow anything with hoods to be worn, so we had to go in wearing our bar uniforms. Oh, and this place had the same uniform.
SC: Excuse me, can you come wipe down my table?
Me: I don’t work here.
SC: If you can’t be bothered all you have to do is say so!
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SC: What the fuck are you doing in here?
Me: Nice to see you too.
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SC: I think you’re setting a really bad example coming in here! You should be thinking about your business!
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SC: Are you working tomorrow? What drinks offers do you have? How much are the cocktails??
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SC: Hey you guys work in that pub right? You served us!
Me: Oh right. Hi.
SC: Yeah…so how about a round of drinks for me and my friends?
Me/CWs: Whaaaat??
SC: Come on. You guys have jobs and earn money!
CW: I want to go somewhere else.
Me: Lets.
SC: You don’t have to be so rude!
CW: Says you!
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As we left, we ran into Puss in Boots. She recognised us and threatened us with her plastic sword.
Who needs scriptwriters, all you need is the right pub!
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