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What's in a name?
Under normal circumstances, I have all of your information in front of me. I had to sign a confidentiality contract per my employment that states, in a nutshell, that I'm not going to be a douche and maliciously do things with your information, let alone your account, regardless of how fun it might be. You are not entitled to my last name. I don't care if you really, REALLY want to know it with sprinkles and a cherry on top, **** you.
Don't shoot the messenger!
I'm terribly sorry to relay to you that your account's been disabled for nonpayment, quarantining your viruses, or simply because we have idiots in our organization that can't do a transfer order correctly to save their life. At this point, however, you are at my mercy. I'm not an idiot, but I do have a release button. AND since your account information is RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, you can put money on the fact that IF I have to use your release button because you're being a douche, EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER IN MY DEPARTMENT AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE WHO COULD POTENTIALLY ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT WILL KNOW WHY I DISCONNECTED YOU. Shut up. Don't be a douche. And **** you.
It don't work that way!
If, upon reviewing your setup, I determine that there's no POSSIBLE way it could work like that, I'm not interested in the miracle that it has or may have worked before, regardless for how long it supposedly did. If I tell you a phone cord is not supposed to go in an ethernet port...If I tell you it shouldn't be possible to use both ethernet and USB ports in your modem at the same time...If I tell you you need to have your phone cord plugged into line 1...shut up, follow my directions, and **** you.
Wait, YOU'RE the professional?
I don't care if your mother's sister's best friend's roommate's distant twin's first cousin's jackhole of a retarded nephew set up your connection and they've had 700 years of IT experience. You called me, not him. If you want me to assist you with technical support, shut up. And **** you. For further clarification on me caring about how it IS setup as opposed to how it SHOULD be, please refer to the previous paragraph.
Smallest violin in the world...
You're dissatisfied with our service? You're dissatisfied with me? You're dissatisfied with our company in general? Guess what? **** you. Don't care and you can't make me. Actually, that's not entirely true. I DO care whether you're enjoying your service or not, but you can't MAKE me care about your service in the event that I didn't to begin with, so please shut up. If you want to cancel, don't expect even so much as a twitch out of me because, you guessed it, I DON'T CARE. And again, **** you.
Nostalgia, eh?
I don't care how "things used to be in YOUR day." I know exactly how they were in your day: NOT OLD AND DECREPIT, THOUGH THEY CLEARLY ARE NOW. Yeah, let's brag about how your computer used to be able to run a Quake server on a 56k, hurrr hurrr. Nobody cares, me especially. Even on the odd chance that I DO care, you can bet your ass I'm more than ready to get you off your line so I can continue to screw around while at work. Buh bye and **** you.
Your jabberjaws do not equal commission for me.
I am not lonely. I do not wish to talk to you for an hour because you are. Got problem? Get solution. In the case of tech support, you call me. In the case of loneliness, GET A DOG. Shut up and **** you.
I am not a "nice guy."
Wasn't in security and I'm not here. I'm fair and that's about it. I'm VERY good at my job, but not so much that I'm not willing to ask for help. In any case, do NOT expect me to go outside my support boundaries because "The last guy did it," "I'm a nice guy," or "BUT YOU'RE TECH SUPPORT AND CAN DO ANYTHING HURRR!" If I had a dollar for each individual thing I could POTENTIALLY support, I would buy your city and DEMOLISH it so you would leave me alone. If I'm feeling generous, you're being nice, it's something simple anyway, and we don't have a queue, MAYBE I'll help, but don't EXPECT it. EVER. And **** you.
That's about it for now. Whaddaya think?
Under normal circumstances, I have all of your information in front of me. I had to sign a confidentiality contract per my employment that states, in a nutshell, that I'm not going to be a douche and maliciously do things with your information, let alone your account, regardless of how fun it might be. You are not entitled to my last name. I don't care if you really, REALLY want to know it with sprinkles and a cherry on top, **** you.
Don't shoot the messenger!
I'm terribly sorry to relay to you that your account's been disabled for nonpayment, quarantining your viruses, or simply because we have idiots in our organization that can't do a transfer order correctly to save their life. At this point, however, you are at my mercy. I'm not an idiot, but I do have a release button. AND since your account information is RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, you can put money on the fact that IF I have to use your release button because you're being a douche, EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER IN MY DEPARTMENT AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE WHO COULD POTENTIALLY ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT WILL KNOW WHY I DISCONNECTED YOU. Shut up. Don't be a douche. And **** you.
It don't work that way!
If, upon reviewing your setup, I determine that there's no POSSIBLE way it could work like that, I'm not interested in the miracle that it has or may have worked before, regardless for how long it supposedly did. If I tell you a phone cord is not supposed to go in an ethernet port...If I tell you it shouldn't be possible to use both ethernet and USB ports in your modem at the same time...If I tell you you need to have your phone cord plugged into line 1...shut up, follow my directions, and **** you.
Wait, YOU'RE the professional?
I don't care if your mother's sister's best friend's roommate's distant twin's first cousin's jackhole of a retarded nephew set up your connection and they've had 700 years of IT experience. You called me, not him. If you want me to assist you with technical support, shut up. And **** you. For further clarification on me caring about how it IS setup as opposed to how it SHOULD be, please refer to the previous paragraph.
Smallest violin in the world...
You're dissatisfied with our service? You're dissatisfied with me? You're dissatisfied with our company in general? Guess what? **** you. Don't care and you can't make me. Actually, that's not entirely true. I DO care whether you're enjoying your service or not, but you can't MAKE me care about your service in the event that I didn't to begin with, so please shut up. If you want to cancel, don't expect even so much as a twitch out of me because, you guessed it, I DON'T CARE. And again, **** you.
Nostalgia, eh?
I don't care how "things used to be in YOUR day." I know exactly how they were in your day: NOT OLD AND DECREPIT, THOUGH THEY CLEARLY ARE NOW. Yeah, let's brag about how your computer used to be able to run a Quake server on a 56k, hurrr hurrr. Nobody cares, me especially. Even on the odd chance that I DO care, you can bet your ass I'm more than ready to get you off your line so I can continue to screw around while at work. Buh bye and **** you.
Your jabberjaws do not equal commission for me.
I am not lonely. I do not wish to talk to you for an hour because you are. Got problem? Get solution. In the case of tech support, you call me. In the case of loneliness, GET A DOG. Shut up and **** you.
I am not a "nice guy."
Wasn't in security and I'm not here. I'm fair and that's about it. I'm VERY good at my job, but not so much that I'm not willing to ask for help. In any case, do NOT expect me to go outside my support boundaries because "The last guy did it," "I'm a nice guy," or "BUT YOU'RE TECH SUPPORT AND CAN DO ANYTHING HURRR!" If I had a dollar for each individual thing I could POTENTIALLY support, I would buy your city and DEMOLISH it so you would leave me alone. If I'm feeling generous, you're being nice, it's something simple anyway, and we don't have a queue, MAYBE I'll help, but don't EXPECT it. EVER. And **** you.
That's about it for now. Whaddaya think?
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