Definitions

[Mr. Rude]

Ummmmmm

The mystery item that 98% of my customers ask for when I answer the phone/ask them what they need to find.....

Grrrrrr....

You called/came here for a reason, please be ready for the pop quiz.....Ya git.

[crazylegs]

Sign

A mystical piece of information that has magical disappearing qualities so that whenever a customer looks at it, it is no longer in existance. Rumours have yet to be confirmed that the M.o.D. is looking to apply signs to all soldiers in an attempt to better hide them.

Add. However if said sign say save, money off or sale the customer will see the sign and believe it applies to all in the store thereby creating an everywhere sign (the opposite of above)

[gunsage]

Quarantine

1. To better protect our network, this is done so as to ensure that spam isn't simply floating about, causing the network to get progressively worse, more clogged, slow, etc. Our crack security team constantly monitors the network and sends security warnings to spamming customers, along with the possibility of a quarantined modem in more severe cases, in order to keep our network running nice and smooth.

2. What we do because we're a bunch of meanies and clearly are out to get you.

I just had a 30+ minute call where a customer had been quarantined because spam was detected coming from her connection THREE TIMES. I won't get to involved in the intricacies of our policies regarding this, but her excuse was that her "techie son" had installed "ALL KINDS OF ANTI-VIRUS STUFF, so why am I being penalized?!"

Well, let's see here. You're relying on...

- Windows firewall (bleh)
- Supposedly "firewalling" your router
- Frequent scans that occur automatically, late night*
- Frequent updates that also occur automatically, late night*

*I just realized something while looking this over. This customer claimed she isn't tech savvy, doesn't do illegal downloading, and she's "very careful" about her downloads in general...what the HELL is her computer doing on at that time of night?!

ANYWAY...her son starts complaining because "Well, hurrr, that costs money and it's your responsibility." Time out. We offer a FREE security package. In fact, ANYTIME a customer calls up with a security issue (regardless of which infraction), I relay that to them unless they are confident with their current anti-virus/anti-spyware, etc. stuffs (though more severe fractions I still offer it anyway in case it wasn't before).

On top of this, boy I'd love to believe we do this because we're out to oust our customers. Nope. Not quite. We do it because we have to somehow address the issue of spam, viruses, etc. If you're not protecting your connection, there's a good chance that sumbitch is going to spread like wildfire. I don't recall it being our responsibility if a virus hits your connection, but we'd certainly like to prevent that same virus from hitting everyone else's!

In any case...I'm trying to be light-hearted about it, but I'm rather shaky from all of it. That wasn't a fun call.

[gunsage]

Phone Cord

An interchangable, magical term that can apparently refer to ANY type of cord such as an ethernet cable, coaxial cable, USB cable, or even a power cord! Thus, asking a customer to please tell me exactly WHY a phone cord is jammed into their ethernet port is really a rather pointless line of questioning.

[gunsage]

Third Party

1. As a general rule, if something is not specifically provided by us, it is not "ours." It is instead considered "third party." Relatable examples:

A. Zelda, Metroid, and Mario characters are property of Nintendo. They can be considered "first party."
B. Solid Snake is not owned by Nintendo, but rather, Kojima Studios (still currently a division of Konami). Therefore, since Solid Snake is to make an appearance in the upcoming Smash Brothers title, he can be considered a "third party character."
C. We supply you an external modem. When it breaks down or "don't work so good," it's our job to attempt to fix it and quite possibly replace it.
D. When you buy a Link-skeez rooter to hook up multiple computers and it fails, that's not our problem.

2. WHUT DA HAELL'S "TURD PARTY."

Sometimes proving third party is half the battle. A customer will go on and ON about how it's clearly ours when we didn't supply it at all. Now sure, a lot of us know how to do basic troubleshooting involving X Box Live, routers in general, etc., but we also understand that if WE go outside of our support boundaries, the customer may call back later expecting others to do the same.

Anymore, it's a fine line between morals and responsibility. If a customer's being SUPER nice and cooperative, yeah, I'll probably attempt to connect back up their third party router after I get their connection working. If it doesn't work at that point, well, certifiably it's the router.

Still, if you want to be a DICK, look for me making excuses to get off my line.

[Dreamstalker]

"IT guy": The owner's friend, who knows less about the setup than the owner does and insists nothing needs to be documented. So, when his "fix" inevitably makes everything go splat, I have no clue how to fix it.

[Sook]

PEBKAC

PEBKAC Error - Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair... which you are expected to somehow fix

[Buck73]

Wire Maintanence--- Sort of an insurance policy that covers the inside wiring in a house for all services provided by the company they have service with that CSR's are expected to sell to every customer that doesn't have it when we have to set up a trouble call, which almost all the time leads to comments such as:
1. "You're people put in the wiring, if there is a problem, I'm not going to pay for it."

2. "You mean I may have to pay for a tech coming out to my house?"
"If the problem is caused by inside wiring, yes you will have to pay. You are responsible for all the wiring inside your house. We are only responsible for up to the modem."
"But it's your fault I don't have telephone service. I'm not going to pay for someone to come out and fix it."

[Jadedcarguy]

Discontinued: The parts guy is lazy and doesn't want to help you.

[Hello Kitty]

For sheer style, I think Apple's "Dead Mac" error icon from their early machines was cool. Annoying when it showed up, but you couldn't miss the message.

One of my favorite ads was a Power Computing video at MacWorld eons ago - the intro was a sad mac icon, his frowning face slowly turning into a happy mac. Very clever (and cute).

vendor [ven-der] Someone who tries to screw you over at every opportunity.

outsource [out-sohrs] Company that never fixes your customer's issues, as the more your customers call them, the more money they make.

[gunsage]

Good security - Typically this goes hand in hand with the "I know what I'm doing" and "I'm/my son's a network engineer" statements that ultimately prove as falsehoods when asked the last time they updated their security software only to find it's sometime last year, but still demand that you re-enable their modem because clearly they're following basic security guidelines by updating automatically (never) and updating regularly (also never).

[Bane Falcon]

KSI error: A problem in the Keyboard-Seat Interface, usually an ID 10-T error. See PEBKAC Error.

[Wordsworth]

Room for two more...

Needle In A Haystack: Doesn't know his account number, doesn't have any information that would be of any use in helping us find his account number and expects us to find his account by just his name...John Jones.

Directionless: Insists he's on the right website that you've repeated several times only to finally admit after your call time is shot what website he's really on.

[Wordsworth]

The Joker: Gets mad when you don't laugh at his dirty or racist or political jokes.

Soapbox Renter: Takes up time lecturing/interrogating you on political, social or religious topics.

And the Rest...?: Makes half a statement and falls silent, thinking you know what he means or can determine the rest yourself.

[Wordsworth]

Technical Wiz: No problem with the website can possibly be something they are doing. It has to be the company's issue.

The Mumbler: Speaks in a voice that cannot be understood by anyone living on this planet.