Can things get any worse? (long)

[dendawg]

The midlife crisis continues....(It's all in the other threads I've made about my situation, here, here, and here.)

Since my girlfriend got home, the chances of us getting the apartment she had applied for have gotten progressively worse. This is an apartment complex where the rent is determined by income.

She just got a call from the housing authority this afternoon, saying that she and I both had to apply there in person. The problem with this being, I'm 600 miles away, and if i went down there I would have to find a motel room for the duration of my stay. Why the housing authority can't email me a pdf of the application and interview me over the phone is beyond me.

'm devastated, and am barely holding it together right now. (translation, any time I think about it, I get misty. ) Any advice/ass kicking/shoulders to cry on is greatly appreciated. (Going back to the wife is not an option. Even if I wanted to go back to her, she wouldn't want me back.)

Dendawg

[Lindsey]

What? That's ridiculous, no distance applicants?

I can't offer advice, but if you want someone to talk to, you can message me. I'm sorry things are going so badly!

[Rapscallion]

Can I get this straight?

Your wife has a heart attack, you 'lose some intimacy', and end up with another woman.

With you so far.

Now your prospective landlords expect to meet you before you move in with the new love of your life? This while your legal wife is still married to you and recuperating?

I'm baffled. What do you want from us?

Absolution? I'm somewhat of a commitmentphile. If I say I'll stick with something, I stick with it. I'm not really inclined to give it.

Sympathy? You stopped getting nookie, I assume, and went off and found it elsewhere. As a chap who isn't really having to set up a ticket system for visits by adoring ladies, I don't know that I can do that bit so well.

I can't imagine for one minute that you're bragging about cheating on your wife.

What are you actually after?

Rapscallion

[dendawg]

What are you actually after?

Nothing sinister, I assure you.

(This is not meant as an attack, Raps, so please don't take it as such. I asked for an ass kicking, and I got it, I suppose. )

I admit that my initial actions were a bit selfish. I suppose the only difference between me and Tiger Woods is I don't have to worry about a $60 mil settlement.

That said, however, I never actually expected what happened to happen. No I'm not bragging about cheating on her, but it happened. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not backing down from it either. Believe it or not, I'm big on commitment too. The final decision to leave my wife was not mine. If it was up to me, I would have tried to make it work, but she didn't want to. I can't exactly help my wife recuperate from her second heart attack If she doesn't want my help.

I really wouldn't have much of a problem with meeting with the housing authority down there, were it not for the fact I'm 600 miles away. Travel is not cheap, no matter the method, be it greyhound or flying.

So, what do I actually want? Beyond a little advice, nothing. If you have advice, fine. If you have sympathy, fine. If you don't like what I did, fine. I made my bed and I'm lying in it. I'm only trying to make sense of everything that's gone down so far.

[Plaidman]

I like ya Dendawg. I may not like what you done recently, but in general, I like ya.


Far be it for me to act like a jerk, but... Shit happens. Everyday, life throws you a curve that you just can't duck or avoid, and you will get smashed.

But there is so much POSITIVE in your life its blinding. Don't focus on the bad crap because it just makes one incredibly bitter.

What is good right now?

Your exwife and you are talking in civil terms rather then screaming or having a long drawn out divorce, which (Honestly, if it went to court, she'd win. You cheated on her after she had a heart attack because she wasn't affection enough for you, no jury in the world would think you anything less then garbage after that)

You have a new girlfriend that love yous, and you love her.
Her dog loves you.
Both the woman in your life has had some serious medical emergencies lately, and both are completely fine.
Your at least staying with your mom right now, which hey, all men are deep down love their moms.

Now, I'm slightly confused though, you did at one point move in with her, but had to leave and go to a homeless shelter? Now your back to being 600 miles away? How'd that happen? If anything the air fare you must have spent, or gas, or however you got, likely could have given you a month maybe at a real cheap hotel.

Look, right now, I'm willing to listen. My advice normally sucks and seems heartless, but I try to help. Maybe do what I've done, talk to all friends possible. See what any small amount they can part with for an extended time). If say, 10 friends/family can spare 20 bucks, thats 200 dollars right there. Get down to where she is, apply, and use some money to stay at hotel. I'm assuming this girl lives with her family which is why you can't stay with her. Maybe talk to parents and work out a deal, like doing chores, paying some rent, to stay there until application goes through.

[dendawg]

Your exwife and you are talking in civil terms rather then screaming or having a long drawn out divorce

Technically, not ex yet. From what I understand she was starting to prepare to file when her second heart attack happened. But true, It's not TOO acrimonious. She's bitter, as she has every right to be, but when we talk it's on the edge of civil.

Now, I'm slightly confused though, you did at one point move in with her, but had to leave and go to a homeless shelter? Now your back to being 600 miles away? How'd that happen? If anything the air fare you must have spent, or gas, or however you got, likely could have given you a month maybe at a real cheap hotel.

Okay. What happened was her step-dad was not informed I was coming until the day of arrival, for whatever reason. Him and her mom are old-fashioned southern folk, totally believing in the whole "Living in sin" thing. So I stayed in a motel for a week, with her and I alternating paying for it.

She then tried to get a friend of hers to help me get into an apartment by myself, the thing being she was halfway across the state from us, so I would have had to stay with her friend. Unfortunately, the only way that was gonna happen was to stay in a homeless shelter till the Monday after New Years. The apartment management there was out for the holiday. (Turned out later on that her friend had no intention of letting me stay with her.) By that time, I was out of money, and decided to go to my mom New Year's eve.

I'm assuming this girl lives with her family which is why you can't stay with her. Maybe talk to parents and work out a deal, like doing chores, paying some rent, to stay there until application goes through.

Actually, that very idea occurred to me today. Great minds think alike, eh? She brought it up to her mom and step dad, and they're considering it. It would actually be great if I could, because I would need to learn to take care of GF's needs. (She's paraplegic from Spina Bifida)

As far as money, I've got a refund from the IRS due any day now. Otherwise, the only way I'm gonna come into money right now is to commit an unspeakable act in a bank vault.

I do try to stay positive, I really do, but I've always been a big worrier and pessimist also. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Dips]

If it was up to me, I would have tried to make it work, but she didn't want to.

Do you mean that?

Because if you really *wanted* to try make it work, then you would have permanently broken up with your mistress BEFORE you even approached your wife to ask if she would forgive you.

You didn't do that, which makes your desire to work things out with your wife appear very insincere at best.

If you don't want to get back together with your wife, that's the way it is. Fine. Just own the end of the marriage as your decision and your responsibility.

[dendawg]

Do you mean that?

Because if you really *wanted* to try make it work, then you would have permanently broken up with your mistress BEFORE you even approached your wife to ask if she would forgive you.

You didn't do that, which makes your desire to work things out with your wife appear very insincere at best.

I did break up with the girlfriend after I'd gotten caught initially. I had also offered to go to counseling, which was refused by the wife. I wasn't sure what more I could do, and from there on considered reconciliation a lost cause.

Just own the end of the marriage as your decision and your responsibility.

I do own responsibility for what has happened. The end of the marriage, however, was a mutual decision.

[Megg]

The end of the marriage, however, was a mutual decision.

Yeah, I would "mutually decide" my marriage was over, too, if my husband cheated on me. This is Karma, and it is only going to get worse. You just traded one set of problems for another, and I find I have no sympathy at all. Maybe harsh, but you deserve everything you are getting, and then some.

[Evil Queen]

Someone else said it (Raps). Be happy it wasn't me. I would have torn ya a new one.

Best advice I can give you is to look somewhere else! Duh.

[elsporko]

From what I know about low income housing around here the units are in high demand and have alot of restrictions. They don't really have any motivation to accommodate you especially since there are people who are local that would jump on an opportunity to get into a rent based apartment.

Think about it this way. If you were renting out an apartment would you risk it on somebody you've never met when there were 20 people in town you could see in person that wanted it?

[dendawg]

Yeah, I would "mutually decide" my marriage was over, too, if my husband cheated on me. This is Karma, and it is only going to get worse. You just traded one set of problems for another, and I find I have no sympathy at all. Maybe harsh, but you deserve everything you are getting, and then some.

Any defense I could possibly make at this point would be either be considered lame, or construed as an attack. Suffice it to say that I have not told the entire story, out of respect for the soon to be ex, and I'll leave it at that. Make of that what you will.

From what I know about low income housing around here the units are in high demand and have a lot of restrictions. They don't really have any motivation to accommodate you especially since there are people who are local that would jump on an opportunity to get into a rent based apartment.

Think about it this way. If you were renting out an apartment would you risk it on somebody you've never met when there were 20 people in town you could see in person that wanted it?

Valid points. I'm not so sure of the demand, as this is rural Alabama I'm talking about here. My main complaint is that they will not budge one iota, even though my girlfriend herself is local.

[elsporko]

I'm in rural Michigan. Because it is rural there are less resources and fewer ways for people to find employment so the problem becomes worse then in a city.

[Seshat]

Are you basically healthy?

Are you capable of work?

Are you capable of living in a hostel or share house for a few weeks or months (or heck, years)?

Then yes, things could very, very easily get a hell of lot worse. Most of my friends have lived in hostels or shared accommodation, doing menial jobs, for years at a time building their savings up till things can get good.

You just have to be patient, and be willing to lower your standards. Anything that's actually above squalor is fine. Bad decor or dirt, you can fix.

Don't tolerate recurring mould, rising damp, roof leaks (except in once-in-a-hundred-years storms), or dangerous electrical or plumbing. Do tolerate living in a trailer park, or in a bad-but-not-actually-dangerous part of town, or with a bunch of strangers.


I can understand why emergency accommodation is not being as forthcoming with you as you'd like. Their mandate is to provide housing for people in their area who have no other options at all. You're apparently housed, and you're not in their area. If you need emergency accommodation, your local people should be helping you.


But yes - take it from me. If you're fit and healthy, you have the single most precious gift you can possibly have. Cherish it.

[Plaidman]

Listen to Seshat. You could have severe depression that makes you incapable of even getting out of bed. You could have several sickness that is making you die. You could have lost a beautiful daughter or granddaughter to cancer at 8 years old, after batting cancer for five years. You could have several tumors all over your body. You could have intenst pain that the doctors are fiddling fucking all over. You could be living on the streets, with no money or help and are told by welfare that they belive you are flat out lying and therfor won't get anything. You could be in prison.

Things can always get worst. The worst that you have is that the girl you cheated with because your wife didn't want to make love to you after having major heart attack and surgery, is not getting a place cause your half a country away? Count your blessings you have it pretty easy.