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  • #31
    Quoth Pixilated View Post
    Okay, not to be sarcastic, but if A actually thinks you are only in the dining hall and dorm lobby to stalk him ... as opposed to, say, having a meal, or just hanging out ... then I would suggest he needs some professional help.
    That's actually something I've thought about before. It can't be normal to just make assumptions based on seeing people you don't want to see in random places, right?
    There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

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    • #32
      It's not normal, per se. And I'll add this caveat. After a breakup with friends, I felt "stalked". Why? Because they started showing up at places I hung out regularly that they necessarily hadn't in school (quieter places). They had legitimate reason to be there, but I still felt like they were harassing me. But that was during the first phase after the breakup. I calmed down after that and ignored them.

      So, it's normal to feel freaked out when you see somebody you're arguing with or broke up with or otherwise don't want to see initially. It's not normal to keep holding on to those feelings when there's no reason to (ie, you never approached him, you didn't seek him out elsewhere).
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      • #33
        Quoth Kheldarson View Post
        It's not normal, per se. And I'll add this caveat. After a breakup with friends, I felt "stalked". Why? Because they started showing up at places I hung out regularly that they necessarily hadn't in school (quieter places). They had legitimate reason to be there, but I still felt like they were harassing me. But that was during the first phase after the breakup. I calmed down after that and ignored them.

        So, it's normal to feel freaked out when you see somebody you're arguing with or broke up with or otherwise don't want to see initially. It's not normal to keep holding on to those feelings when there's no reason to (ie, you never approached him, you didn't seek him out elsewhere).
        This is exactly what happened, according to A's best friend. He's practically the only person who doesn't believe I stalked A.
        There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

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        • #34
          Is there a community colledge near your school? I am going to a university and I took 2 classes at the jcc here because the u wasn't offering classes I needed when I needed them but, I met students and made friends with people who didn't know me from my u and it opened up a lot of new opportunities for me. I am thinking abou taking a palates or fitness class next semester at the jcc just to get some exercise because I have depression due to my celiacs and my doctor and dietitian recommend exercise to thier depressed patients who are not currently anorexic.

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          • #35
            I'm sorry you are going through all this. I do understand that A's dad is famous in the town, and I can see how you think people would side with A's dad.

            I think you need to keep a diary of your daily life. Not necc. how you feel but stuff you do. If you already keep one, that's great. It can be used as evidence that you are not stalking people.

            I don't know if you have an alternative newspaper in your town. Your story sounds like something they would be interrested in. Esp. the part where, since the Virginia Tech thing, the school is hyper-fearful of it happening in school, and it affected you in the worst way.
            Time! Time! Time is what turns kittens into cats.

            Don't teach me a lesson; all I learn is that you are an asshole.

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            • #36
              It's been months with no update, but I did meet with a lawyer last month. She was very sympathetic, but she told me I really don't have a strong case on anyone. According to her, while my experience can be described as "bullying" for sure, it really has to be severe, Tyler Clementi-esque bullying for the courts to get involved. The expectation is that this will resolve itself socially, so the courts don't usually step in.

              As for discrimination, that would be very unlikely to go anywhere, because there isn't evidence that I *was't* endangering myself or others, while they have a police report about me, and numerous interviews with various school officials, as well as anything A said to them.
              There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

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              • #37
                This might sound... unhelpful? but I have to at least offer it anyway.

                Do you have any interest in video games, or online gaming? Sure, a lot of people might say "That's not REAL friendship/interaction" but I will gladly spit at those people.

                You see, I had literally no friends until I hit high school. I started gaming and online gaming in middle school, and the majority of my friends came from online games. It helped, being able to hop onto the game and see in the chat box "Hey Amb! How's it going?" or "Hey want to do this?" It got even better once we all discovered Ventrilo (a program that lets you talk to other people easily) and we'd all hop on whenever we were just on the computer to chat and shoot the breeze.

                I didn't make very many connections with any of the other people attending my school college, even the ones in my major.

                If you're interested but don't know where to start, just send me a PM and I'll help ya out. I understand that you want friends that you can hang out with physically, but being able to play games with other people - I hope - would help alleviate some of the feeling of isolation and desperation for human contact.
                My Writing Blog -Updated 05/06/2013
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                • #38
                  Quoth AmbrosiaWriter View Post
                  Do you have any interest in video games, or online gaming? Sure, a lot of people might say "That's not REAL friendship/interaction" but I will gladly spit at those people.
                  I've actually been playing games online for years. I started playing WoW the week it came out, all the way back in 2004, as well as a smattering of other games. I certainly consider those to be "real interaction," but I don't quite consider them friends. I've known my guild leader and his wife since 2008, and we're very friendly with each other, but I don't consider them "friends" because I haven't met them in person. Online interaction is certainly fun, but for me personally, I have trouble considering them friends. I know that many other people don't have that viewpoint, though, and I know people that do consider their guildmates or online teammates as "real" friends.
                  There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

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                  • #39
                    Just for the record...I consider a lot of people I know online as friends. That includes people from here and facebook.

                    As for gaming...I'm starting to get back into that myself. I am a first person shooter type of person, and my two games were Quake (1, 2 and 3), and Halflife. I'm loading up these games again on a newer XP box I have and want to get back into practice again. And yeah I used to have friends on there and maybe will build some more who knows.

                    One of these days I need to check out Quake 4 I never even saw that one.
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                    • #40
                      I can see how sad you are. Don't waste your time on these people who burned you. They have ruined your present reality, but not your life. They don't control your life.

                      What they have done to you is wrong, just plain wrong. But you know what? You don't need them.

                      There is a freedom in being a solitaire, even though it hurts. If you are alone, you don't have the joys, but you also don't have the burdens.

                      This is school, right? So concentrate on your studies. Become the best in the classes and watch as the others party their brains and their grades away. Outshine them in academics. Focus on that. Organize yourself, and stop worrying about friends. If this school will not provide you justice, then take that rage and turn it to the highest grades and marks you can. Make them eat their judgments.

                      Do not let these jerks, and the lack of friendship, bind you. They will be your past. Focus on your future.

                      Yes, I know, emotions are difficult to deal with. They are such a pain. Do you do any kind of art to work with your feelings? If you don't, try getting into it.
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                      • #41
                        Kristev's advice is excellent. Your present is tough but this will not be your future. Hang onto that.

                        As for online friends, that's a matter of opinion, but I have one friend whom I consider a very good friend ... but I wouldn't know her if I ran over her in a parking lot. See, I've never actually met her -- she's an online friend.

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                        • #42
                          Look, I know you don't want to hear transferring, but sometimes, it helps to cut your losses. I moved around a lot as a kid, and when you're the least popular kid in school, it can be viewed as a new chance. At the same time, I get the not wanting to transfer, since, after moving around so much, I did get tired of it. Let's gather around the campfire, and let me tell you about my A.

                          His name was CB. My name was CC. With teachers that liked to put students in alphabetical order, we would often find ourselves next to each-other. I won't get into the down-and-dirty here, but CB and I started dating. CB had some leverage on me, so every time I considered leaving, he would bring it up and I'd drop it.

                          CB would imply I'd be better if I did this, or did that. So I did. CB managed to systematically cut me off from nearly all of my friends, except for one girl who fought to the death for me. CB, about 7 months later, started trying to break it off with me. When he finally did, I was kinda relieved. I was free.

                          Well, CB wasn't done yet. He pulled a smear campaign pretty similar to what your 'friends' did. Let me get this out of the way: It doesn't matter how nice A was to you. A IS NOT your friend. A revoked that right. A is done. When CB, in the middle of his smear campaign, asked me to date him again, I said no. I'm better than CB. You're better than A.

                          I get the attraction. I suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. I will openly say that CB probably saved my life. He made me feel worthwhile when I needed it most, then gave me a physical enemy I could project my anxieties onto.

                          Now, here's how I managed to get that stigma behind me.

                          Be open. Share ALL your secrets. (not actually all of them. XP) If you share deep enough secrets, and be consistently open, people will think that's all there is to you. (I managed to hide that I was gay for two years, because I was very open about my history of mental illness. If I'm willing to walk around and admit I'm crazy, why would I hide something like that?)

                          Depression is more common than you think, and you will find people who know how you're feeling. (Throughout all four years of High School, I was consistently friends with four people who were depressed. We all greatly improved over the school year. Two of them started dating, and date to this day, with cute statuses about how they drop by to gift each-other pudding, and the giant valentines day cards they make for each-other.)

                          Be consistently nice and friendly. As a female, using the soft-feminine-voice when I'm nervous tends to appeal to people. I honestly don't know what guys do to make themselves more appealing (that is effective. Guys?)

                          A big thing I had found, when I managed to pull myself out of the CB-induced-stigma, was that I had internalized it. I was carrying it. I was projecting it. People I barely knew were convinced I hated them, because I was giving 'back the f**k off' vibes from across the room, and they felt it was targeted at them. My sharp tongue, dark clothes, and blank glare were good for keeping people who would hurt me away, but they were even better at keeping people who wouldn't hurt me away.

                          I also found, as soon as I stopped carrying all that defensive hate around, I was HAPPIER. It was amazing how much lighter I felt, just because I was willing to like people again. I'm not saying you did this. But I know I did this, and I had no idea I was doing it.

                          Look at yourself in the mirror, and see what sort of body language are you giving off. Tense shoulders? Crouched back? Constant frown? (my face has a natural pout.) Hands live in front of the crotch? (known as the 'defensive position.') Body language is subconscious on both ends. You don't know you're giving it, and people don't know they're receiving it. So, if you deliberately give off positive body language, people will subconsciously receive you better.

                          I hope it helps.

                          Oh, and I'd totally confront A. But that's just me.

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                          • #43
                            Quoth Mr. Anubite View Post
                            I could do a civil suit against A, but doing so would bring bad press against his father, and I don't really want to hurt A or his family.
                            Fuck him, and fuck his father. They started that crap against you, now you gotta be the one to end it.

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                            • #44
                              Quoth Mr. Anubite View Post
                              I could do a civil suit against A, but doing so would bring bad press against his father, and I don't really want to hurt A or his family.
                              Ok, agreeing with WhirlyBird, on the first paragraph. "I don't really want to hurt A or his family. Hold the fuck on. This issue has been going on for a year?(dunno) or so, and it has affected your life to the point of isolation from society. And YOU don't want to hurt them? Why, (I'm gonna be blunt) in the FUCK do you care about THEIR feelings?
                              Pretend that you're walking around in a village, and everyone that you pass whips you with a belt/2x4/stick etc. Every person. At the end of the street you're bloody, beat to hell, hurt mentally and people shun you. Then you say "I don't want to hurt their feelings." Excuse me. The ONLY reasoning I can see behind that choice is to not face them in public and have to defend yourself. (might be true, might not be, but that's all I can see). Your daily life has been affected enough so that you got blackballed, shunned, punished, shamed, etc etc. This group of people is making a calculated effort to have you look bad in the community. Slander. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/slander
                              (you yourself still have to make some effort on your own side to learn to deflect SOME of this, how to deal with some single 1:1 situations, relaxation. But in no way it's 90/10 (90 you). No fucking way.)

                              Quoth Mr. Anubite View Post
                              This committee was established after the Virginia Tech shooting to identify potential threats to student safety. They deal with people who get in fights, people who want to kill themselves, and people with substance abuse problems. They require input from the doctors of these problem students, but they retain sole authority, and are free to ignore the doctors if they wish. They ignored my doctors, who told them it was important I be allowed to live on campus. My stability tanked after I was evicted, and I actually became suicidal as a result of the school's actions.
                              Ok. I do not understand how this could be lawful with HIPAA, but IANAL, and don't always understand stuff. It just smells funny here. ^ "require input from doctors"? Then ignore the doctor's recommendations? Really this 'committee' sounds like a filter on weeding people out. (and, the suicidal ideations resulting from this eviction is another point for slander. They dissed you, you got evicted, affected you enough to want to kill yourself....yeah, harassment)

                              Quoth Mr. Anubite View Post
                              I wanted to join a community garden group, but R is involved in it.
                              Ok, so, don't you think showing up and doing your work/fun/gardening at your best, makes you a stronger person? Even seeing R over there >> digging and doing his own thing, while you do yours and are proud of it? Show others that yeah, he's been an ass, but I can attempt to handle it. Or, instead of putting yourself in close proximity of him, often, could you start your own gardening, go to lectures/meetings and do the rest at home? This way you're gradually getting yourself 'used' to being around him again, building up esteem and armor.

                              Toss this idea around: gather some info, file a civil court suit, slander/harassment. Would you be admired, appreciated, disregarded, what? after the case is done? Would you feel better in yourself knowing "I did the right thing, win or lose, I still did it"?
                              Could this also be worked on in arbitration vs a court?
                              If you DON'T file/do anything legally, will you regret it? Will you hurt and really struggle to get over it?

                              I personally think (IANAL!) that what you've told is slander; poisoning the community with rumors about you. And I can also understand how much of a mind-fuck this is for you. It is so so so hard to keep your head up when someone's been dissing you and telling you that you suck (even though in your heart you know you don't suck). Hugs from me.

                              Please give this all some thought.
                              In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
                              She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

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                              • #45
                                Quoth Der Cute View Post
                                Ok. I do not understand how this could be lawful with HIPAA, but IANAL, and don't always understand stuff. It just smells funny here. ^ "require input from doctors"? Then ignore the doctor's recommendations? Really this 'committee' sounds like a filter on weeding people out. (and, the suicidal ideations resulting from this eviction is another point for slander. They dissed you, you got evicted, affected you enough to want to kill yourself....yeah, harassment).
                                HIPAA does not apply here. The medical information was required by the committee to make a lawful decision about the OP's ability to remain on campus. Technically, the OP had to consent to the giving of the information in order to make a case to live on campus, which means HIPAA was not violated. Plus, HIPAA does not prevent doctors from communicating information in compliance with other laws.

                                It would not surprise me that the committee was trying to reduce its legal liability by getting rid of a potentially dangerous student: that's what happened with a community college in Arizona that Jared Loughner attended before the Tuson Shootings. Colleges really don't want to deal with mental illness, and are happier if mentally ill students simply leave. Problem is, you get back lashes.

                                Look, the issue of who's right and who's wrong is totally moot. This situation has been going on for over a year now. What the OP needs to do is think about his own mental health and needs. Sometimes the best thing you can do is make a complete break and start over fresh in a new place with new people.

                                Life is messy. Sometimes things don't work out and people don't treat us the way we would like to be treated. There's nothing we can do about this and while seeking revenge in the courts may seem pleasurable, it may not be the healthy choice for us.

                                The OP needs to transfer to another school and start over with new people. However, before doing this a secure system of mental health resources must be in place. Depression doesn't go away on its own, and dealing with that issue in a positive way, focused on tools to actively manage the problems is more likely to be successful than transferring to someone where you know no one and have no reason to get out there and make new friends.

                                That can be really hard. I've suffered that fear and anxiety: starting tae kwon do and going back to church gave me the worst anxiety I've had in years, but to my surprise nothing bad happened and now I have solid friends that have greatly added to my social options and enriched my life.

                                However you do it, you have to put yourself out there. Your therapist can guide you on how to do this successfully. Make a plan.
                                They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

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