Support Pls I need it. (long, language)

[ColonelInTheKitchen]

First and foremost---I am not trusted at my place of work for two reasons:

1. I will not take shit from other employees.
2. I have a bad habit of moving too fast and needing the manager to void things from my register. Often.

I understand that before I was employed here they didn't need keys to take items off the register and that we could insert our own coupons, but when I showed up there was a massive influx of voids and coupons that the management didn't comprehend. I take full responsibility for that, and I'm sorry. I was new to the register system and I do tend to try to go too fast sometimes.

Tonight, I was trying to help our slower-than-molasses-overtaking-a-CITY new kitchen cook with his dishes, putting them away and bringing him the others that needed done. He was being a jerk and going slow on purpose, I think. Wanted to get his hours in, I guess.

However, I came back with a pan full of water that we cook our corn ears in and he grabbed me from behind, holding my shoulders and generally restricting my movements. I told him to quit and let me go, he did, then I say: "Try that again, I dare you." I wasn't being playful. He goes in to try it again and I tossed the water over my head and pretty much soaked myself and him with nasty corny water. Then I walked away without saying anything and gave him a dirty look.

The worst part of the whole thing was, when he grabbed me he made a pelvic thrust into the general area of my behind and I did not like it. At the time I thought nothing about it, I'm used to being touched and bumping into my fellow cashiers---today I blind-sided our packer B when I walked past her and nearly threw her into the counter. Of course I apologize for that, but usually the girl cashiers shrug it off. It happens too much. After I got home and had time to think about it, I realized what he had really done and now I'm wondering if I should tell the managers about it, and ask them to speak with him about it, or if I should just ignore it and hope it's not what I think. I know that, with my reputation and my as-of-late horrible work performance (I'm fucking TIRED of working at KFC right now) that my request may not go through if I do ask.

Any suggestions? I don't want to go to the cook and talk to him because he might see it differently and/or complain about me, although I doubt that last part.

Also- We had a brood in at five minutes after closing. Doors = locked, so the brood had a tribunal meeting in the parking lot for about 20 minutes while we finished up. I was amused at this.

One of our pickier customers kept repeating that she wanted her order in a box after everything she said. No shit, lady. I'm not stupid.

And one of my DT customers told me I should "aspire to greatness" and not go about being a lifelong cashier. I was happy for a moment.

And I stabbed my CW with the tongs in her forearm by accident. Not my greatest moment there.

There was some supernatural phenomonen (spelling?) in the DT today because I swore I was talking to ghosts. You know, those people who don't answer when you repeat "Welcome to KFC, how may I help you?" every minute or so until they order. They're the ones who usually get rude at you because they don't have time to wait three minutes for some fucking popcorn chicken. One of them was a ghost entirely I think, they didn't even answer and disappeared after a minute or so.

Also, we had an older woman who obviously didn't know what the hell she was ordering. BONELESS BBQ wings are just white meat nuggets. Would that I could change the title to Boneless BBQ bites or something to that effect, I would, but I cannot, alas. She wanted regular wings, and made a point of trying to tell me this every time she interrupted me---about every three words or so I spoke---and finally I gave up and let our GM handle it. I think she was probably about 80-90 years old. Oldest customer I've ever seen.

[Der Cute]

Colonel:

Instead of brooding over this, I think you should: write down the days situations/incidents and be very factual about what this guy did.

Just like you wrote here.

No "I think he was trying to dfaflkdfldfff me ....." more along the lines of "I was walking into the kitchen at 8:15 with a pan full of cornwater. Joe Shmo proceeded to grasp both shoulders from behind. He was 180* behind me, I could not see him."

Then, hand it in to the manager and keep an original with yourself/ at home.

If nothing is done/ investigated within 5 days, hand a copy up to HR.

People dont touch you without permission.
Second, people dont bump your bum without really SPECIFIC permission.

Just handle this calmly and on paper, and you'll be ok.

Cutenoob

[ColonelInTheKitchen]

Note

No "I think he was trying to dfaflkdfldfff me ....." more along the lines of "I was walking into the kitchen at 8:15 with a pan full of cornwater. Joe Shmo proceeded to grasp both shoulders from behind. He was 180* behind me, I could not see him."
Then, hand it in to the manager and keep an original with yourself/ at home.
If nothing is done/ investigated within 5 days, hand a copy up to HR.

I'm still not entirely sure what HR is comprised of in our company. I could send it in, and never see it again, because in general our employees are never paid much attention. Our district manager is more focused on the store itself than any of our concerns usually.

I don't actually want this kid to be fired---I understand he shouldn't have done that, but this is his first job ever and I sympathize with his "predicament" (how he wants to fart around instead of work) because being at our KFC is like being at a friend's house. We all like to pick on each other and have fun. It's usually harmless.

[Nakajo]

The worst part of the whole thing was, when he grabbed me he made a pelvic thrust into the general area of my behind and I did not like it.

THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

Tell him immediately to cut it out, and if he does it again, TELL SOMEONE.

I PLEAD WITH YOU, please don't ignore this. My boyfriend's sister learned the hard way that ignoring these things are BAD BAD BAD. They can escalate to extreme harassment, not going into details, but for her it got to the point where after it was reported, the guy in her case got jail time, and she's getting a hell of a payout.

You don't want to end up in a bad situation. Nip that $#*^ in the bud, NOW.

[Seshat]

If you're CERTAIN that he's just a kid who doesn't realise what he's doing is wrong, take him aside and quietly tell him so. There's no need to give a kid a lifelong 'sexual predator' tag to his name just because he's a daft teenager. But be SURE he's just being a daft teenage brat.
But only give him one chance. If he repeats the performance, throw the book at him.

If you think he might be trying to pretend innocence/ignorance, (and some of them do!), then watch to see how he treats others. If he's like this with everyone he thinks he can get away with it with, but not with the ones who he can't, he's probably not 'just a brat' or 'just a kid'. Throw the book at him.

Otherwise, he's a sexual harasser, a predator, and/or a bully. Search any of the many threads here for the standard advice on handling this sort of thing, or ask us to repeat it. Short form is:

1. Document everything in a document YOU control.
2. Tell him to STOP, with witnesses.
3. If he doesn't, tell management to make him stop.
4. If they don't, go up the chain within the company until he does.
5. If that doesn't fix it, go to the relevant government agencies.

If at any point in that process, you feel that he's a risk to your life or safety (mental or physical), inform the police.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I agree with Seshat. If it was one incident and you make it clear it is inappropriate and won't be tolerated, and it stops, then end of story. If he persists, or you see him do similar to other employees, then definitely tell the manager and keep notes of specific incidents (date, time, what happened). If management doesn't do anything, go up the chain, but I would also seriously think about looking for other employment. Personally I wouldn't want to work for a company that doesn't back up its employees.

as for this

today I blind-sided our packer B when I walked past her and nearly threw her into the counter. Of course I apologize for that, but usually the girl cashiers shrug it off

there is a huge difference between bumping into someone (most restaurant kitchens don't have a lot of room to move around; it's pretty much bound to happen on a regular basis) and grabbing someone by the shoulders, or any other part...


I used to work with a guy who would tickle me; I would tell him to stop - it hurt, for one thing, but at the same time I was laughing because I'm extremely ticklish...I knew he didn't mean it in a sexual harassment kind of way, but I didn't like it. But I was also young and kind of timid and didn't feel comfortable saying something. Another employee saw it one day and said something to the manager because it made her uncomfortable to see it happen. The manager came to me and asked me about it, and asked if I wanted her to say something to him. She did, and it never happened again, nor was it mentioned again.

[Imogene]

There was some supernatural phenomonen (spelling?)

Phenomena (phenomenon is singular, phenomena plural) and drive throughs tend to go on the fritz like that where they ring as though a guest were driving in, but there is no one there.

[fma_fanatic]

However, I came back with a pan full of water that we cook our corn ears in and he grabbed me from behind, holding my shoulders and generally restricting my movements. I told him to quit and let me go, he did, then I say: "Try that again, I dare you." I wasn't being playful. He goes in to try it again and I tossed the water over my head and pretty much soaked myself and him with nasty corny water. Then I walked away without saying anything and gave him a dirty look.

While I can agree that he shouldn't have touched you, I also think that daring him to do the same thing again was wrong. I think a simple, "don't do that again or I will report you for sexual harassment" or even "don't do that again" would have sufficed. Egging on your antagonist only serves to exascerbate the situation.

[Seshat]

While I can agree that he shouldn't have touched you, I also think that daring him to do the same thing again was wrong. I think a simple, "don't do that again or I will report you for sexual harassment" or even "don't do that again" would have sufficed.

Agreed.

Telling someone to stop doing something that genuinely bothers you needs to be clear and precise and unambiguous. 'Don't do that again' is good, even better is 'don't ever touch my butt again' or 'don't touch me in a sexual way'.

If you feel a personal need to be somewhat funny about it, try 'don't make me have to point to a dolly' or 'don't make me have to show the police where the bad man touched me'. The latter is clearer, only use the former if you're sure the other person will get the reference.

If you need to tell them to stop with a witness, make it absolutely clear and unambiguous. 'I've asked you before, I'm saying it now to be certain you understand: do not touch me, do not make sexual remarks about me, and do not make any sexual approaches to me.'

Unfortunately, 'I dare you to do that again' sounds like it's meant in fun, and could be an invitation to do it again. It's ambiguous. You probably chose to do it that way to save face for him - but it didn't work. You're going to have to be precise and unambiguous and yeah, it'll cost him face and he'll probably resent you.

Just remember: he's the one who chose to go over the line. HE is responsible for the consequences of his actions, NOT you. If he tries to take it out on you (and he probably will), keep in mind that it's HIS responsibility, and it was HIS choices that led to this. Not yours.

Standing up for yourself is NOT a bad thing to do - except in the eyes of bullies and harassers. And you don't care what bullies and harassers think. Keep that in mind, throughout whatever comes of this.

[earl colby pottinger]

Not what it seems

Had a friend lost a good paying job ($70K+ a year) at a bank for sexual harassment.

Problem was he was not trying to be sucky, he was trying to be friendly. In the culture he came from hugging fellow employees was considered normal, then he came to Canada.

As a programmer he worked in mostly all men shops and in the small companies the few women he meet understood why he hugged them in greetings. So he never got out of the habit.

Then he got a job at one of Canada's major banks, and he kept hugging women. He was warned, then he was written up, then he was fired.

Note, this took a few months. He would be corrected but after a time he would slip into his old habits.

I think the same may apply to this cook. If he does not know better, the time to correct him is NOW, not years from now where it could be a major hit.

I wish the companies my friend first worked at in Canada had corrected him instead of going with the flow.

[Ree]

I wish the companies my friend first worked at in Canada had corrected him instead of going with the flow.

Not to attack your friend at all, because I'm sure it's very upsetting, but you did say:

He was warned, then he was written up, then he was fired.

Note, this took months. He would be corrected but after a time he would slip into his old habits.

...if warnings and write-ups didn't work, then how were the other companies supposed to have succeeded, rather than going with the flow? How were they supposed to correct the behaviour?

As to the OP...I agree with Seshat. (That comment was hilarious BTW "don't make me have to show the police where the bad man touched me")
You have to stand up for yourself and be direct.

[Crazeyal]

I think the same may apply to this cook. If he does not know better, the time to correct him is NOW, not years from now where it could be a major hit.

Uh.. dude..

Read more carefully next time. I think your friend's problems ahve colored your judgement.

However, I came back with a pan full of water that we cook our corn ears in and he grabbed me from behind, holding my shoulders and generally restricting my movements.

The worst part of the whole thing was, when he grabbed me he made a pelvic thrust into the general area of my behind

How in the WORLD could you think this was anything OTHER than a sexual assault? I'm going to calm down now before Edit: I see the mods have spoken.

[earl colby pottinger]

...if warnings and write-ups didn't work, then how were the other companies supposed to have succeeded, rather than going with the flow? How were they supposed to correct the behaviour?

I guess I was not clear. None of the companies he was in *BEFORE* he started at the bank did anything. They just went along with his behavior. Because they were small and had few women who were quickly in the know about why he acted that way - NO ACTION was taken to correct his hugging of women.

Then he joined a major bank, banks are stuffy, banks are full of rules, banks know they can be sued for big bucks for things like this. All his warnings (verbal and written) were after he joined the bank, so was the firing.

What I was saying is if any of the earlier companies had done something first, he still might have his job at the bank today.

How in the WORLD could you think this was anything OTHER than a sexual assault?

I never said it was anything but sexual assault! But, she said this was his first job and he was young. I have seen some very sucky parents out there and would not be surprised if he thought what he was doing was ok, because of how his dad raised him. Don't tell me he should know better. He should, but with a bad dad pushing I can see him being mislead into thinking what he did was normal.

What I meant from my earlier message is that the time to talk to him about what he did as being wrong is *NOW*, not to just let it past as the OP suggested that they might do.

That also what went wrong with my friend, no companies corrected when they had a chance, and the bank gave him no lee-way as that is the normal way for banks to operate. Personally we tried to warn him, but written notices from your manager have far more impact than friends you only see on week-ends.

[Seshat]

As to the OP...I agree with Seshat. (That comment was hilarious BTW "don't make me have to show the police where the bad man touched me")
You have to stand up for yourself and be direct.

Thank you! (bows)

As for earl colby pottinger's point: yes, I agree, in general. Some people are honestly unaware that what they're doing is inappropriate and unwelcome. That's why I advocate giving clear, unambiguous warnings.

It may be appropriate - use your own judgement - to not just say 'don't make me have to show the police...', but also to get hold of some of the formal literature about sexual harassment, bullying behaviours, or whatever it is the person is doing. Show them that yes, what they think of as normal (or even friendly) isn't normal, and is illegal.

It's entirely up to the harassee how much teaching they want to do, and how much they think the harasser is ignorant (or egocentric, or stupid, or raised wrong, or whatever). It's within the harassee's rights to go straight to the police, do not pass go, do not collect $200. But because of the possibility of innocence, my own personal rule is to give one free warning. I use my own judgement after that.

I'll repeat here, because it's important: the harassee should only put effort into teaching the harasser if they want to. It's not a responsibility, or a requirement, or even a moral 'right thing to do'. It's a free choice, and it's a kindness the harassee may wish to give to someone who's not being kind to them.

I'll repeat one other thing: if the harassee ever gets any sort of 'I'm in danger here' feeling, they must go to the police. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not put oneself at risk. Get proper help, stay safe. And read Gavin DeBecker's 'The Gift of Fear', to learn how to assess risk.

[Ice Fyre]

As an ex union rep at my place of employment I would strongly agree with all the comments so far.
1. Keep a diary (just like someone earlier said)
2. Make sure you tell this person in front of witnesses that their behavor is unacceptable but remmber (KEEP IT POLITE) you must keep yourself right and stay polite at all times, otherwise they may try to claim you are harassing them.
3. If it continues after keeping note of all incidents in your diary also marking the polite warnings you have given, take a copy to your store manager. Keep the original at a safe place at home. Escalate with copies never let the original out of your sight.
4. Yup, bump with consent only, oh and maybe try to slow down a bit I know its a bit frustrating working with slow co-workers but you do have to work as a team.

Relax as much as you can you seem a bit stressed (understandable tho)