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Hello all. You may call me the Pizza Reverend. I've been lurking on this site probably longer than a lot of you have been members. At least 6... maybe 8 years. Always enjoyed reading other peoples stories and rants, always considered signing up, but never did until recently. (And then, even when I did, I was far too lazy to actually post). But now, it is time. Come listen to my tales of woe, and take lesson from the experiences of this one poor sinner.
I worked at a Restaurant that from here on forth shall be named Pizza Castle (Not it's real name, and should there happen to be a place named Pizza Castle, I apologize and do not mean to take its name in vain). I began while I was at Little Community College, and worked there for two full years before moving on to Big Peoples College a good far distance away. While at Big Peoples College, I studied and pondered and did no work to focus on my schooling, walking away with two Nice Shiny Degrees that I soon realized were utterly useless without Bigger Peoples Graduate School, which I could not yet afford. So I returned home, aiming to get a job and head off toward Bigger Peoples Graduate School.
And then the Economy tanked. I went two years without a steady job (couldn't even get a terrible job at McDonalds and the like) and finally, I gave in, and returned to Pizza Castle. Since then, I've skyrocketed to the ranks, becoming an official Baron (or Supervisor, if you prefer), even impressing our new franchise owners to the point where they started transfering me around between various Pizza Castles to Supervise, but Bigger Peoples College still is far off. For the time being, at least, I shall remain a Baron of Pizza Castle.
So that is my sad tale. Now, one thing you must know about Pizza Castle: We are expensive. Our Pizza is DARN GOOD (in all my years I've only found one other pizza that can really compare, at a Pricy Sit Down Restaurant), but for the goodness, we charge double what Cheapos Pizza or Dice Pizza and more than even Big Daddy's Pizza. We know this and most of our customers know this, but that doesn't stop some people from having problems...
But despite that Obvious Recipe For Disaster, 98% of the customers I handle are very nice. My always sunny disposition and excellent customer service skills (that was all the boasting you'll get from me) often help, but as all of you know, there's always a few...
So now, let the stories begin.
Worst Customer I Ever Had
We'll start out with the big one, such at it is (though it's clearly no War Story). This is way back from when I was Brand New at Pizza Castle - the first time. Barely a month of employment under my belt. We get a call, and as I was programed by the Little Sheet of Paper which all shall follow, I go through the motions.
Me: Thank you for calling Pizza Castle, Dine In, Take Out, or Deliverly?
WCIEH: Delivery. Phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx
As programed, I type it into the computer, which brings up her name, address, number of orders, ect.
Me: And is this WCIEH at XXX Lovecraft Lane?
WCIEH: ... I can't believe you just did that.
ME: Pardon?
WCIEH: How DARE you read my number out! Get me your manager! How long have you worked here?
Me: Uhh, a month-
WCIEH: WELL I THINK THAT'S LONG ENOUGH.
At this point, being less than a month into the first job I've ever had, I'm in tears. So my Supervisor comes over and talks... and talks... and talks... while I go hide.
Eventually, they arrange a take out. It turns out this lady was a 'key witness' in some sort of trial, and by reading her name and address out loud (which I did (and still do) for every customer), I put her in SEVERE RISK. She drove to our restraunt, but hid in the car and demanded the supervisor come out and give her the pizza personally.
Fortunately, my supervisor, being a mostly sane person, gave her what she wanted and sent her away, with no recriminations on my end. Still, that brush is what I would consider my Worst Customer I ever Had.
Like I said, no war story. My customers are mostly pretty chill. But we still get some good ones...
THIS IS AMERICA! NOT CUBA!
About a year ago, I was still in my most local Pizza Castle and now a Supervisor. Now, there are two Pizza Castles in my home town, both owned by different franchises. This causes problems, mainly because they handle the East Side of town, and we handle the West Side. It's also nearly universally agreed that East Side Castle is crap and their pizza sucks.
So one of our newer employees who was not aware of our poorly defined boundries took an order for delivery that landed in the East Side's territory. We caught it pretty quick, and because it was a busy night already, I told her to call her back and let her know she has to place the order with East Side. This happens from time to time, and as long as we're quick about catching it, it's not usually a problem. But not for this lady.
A few minutes later, newer employee comes up to me, shaking, saying the lady is demanding to speak to a manager. Since I'm in charge, that's me. What followed was kind of hilarious. I wish I could remember this one word for word, but I can't, so I'll just try and get the gist of it across.
Me: "Hi, this is the supervisor. I'm very sorry for the trouble, but my coworker didn't realize that you were out of our territory. East Side will be happy to-
Crazy Lady: No! You listen to me! This is America, this is a free county! This is not Cuba, it is America! It is a free country and you should deiver to me!
Me: I'm sorry maam, but you're on the opposite side of town. East Side can get you your pizza much quicker and-
Crazy Lady: NO! THIS IS NOT CUBA! WE ARE NOT UNDER CASTRO! THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!
It went on like this for 10 minutes. Eventually she decided to pick up. I was dreading her arrival, bracing for a much longer rant, but all she did was take her pizza, 'hrrumph' and leave. Presumably not to Cuba.
That night had a worse customer who lost his crap at me because his Pizza got lost in the shuffle and was delayed (like I said, it was absurdly busy), and still wanted to yell at me after I gave him a refund *and* his pizza. He was obviously looking for a fight, but I've found if you don't give them one they usually just end up leaving.
We Hate Your Old Boss You Never Met
So several months after returning to Pizza Castle, a corporate store, we were bought out by the Powers That Be, a new franchise that got hold of all the Pizza Castles in the immediate area (except, ironically, East Side). While being a franchise made some things harder, it ended up being a blessing, because the Powers that Be took notice of me, and really liked me. After the Powers That Be decided I was awesome enough to go to other stores, I ended up working at two different Pizza Castles. Castle Hawk is a big, nice Pizza Castle with an awesome crew in a good location that for some bizzare reason, can not manage to find ANYONE locally to work there (Seriously, 3/4 of our crew commutes). Castle Dove is a tiny little Castle with a bad reputation. See, before it got bought out by the Franchise, it was owned by the Terrible Old Man. I never met the Terrible Old Man, and I hopefully never will, because he was so bad, he drove the sales at Castle Dove to virtually nil. It wasn't a big store to begin with, but he was really bad. Apparently he was doing things like charging customers for bags (!), yelling at customers, telling people we don't deliver AT ALL (!!) and hiring some not so great people.
As a result, Castle Dove is slow as heck. The reputation lingers however...
While working a shift at Castle Dove, a little girl walks in and asks me for a plastic spoon. Being a pizza place with no need for such cutlery, I offer her all I have - a plastic fork. She happily takes it and skips out.
A few minutes later her mom comes in with a big glare on her face.
Mom: That nasty old guy still work here?
Me: Pardon?
Mom: That nasty old guy! He was terrible! As long as he works here, I'm never coming to this restraunt.
Me: There's no old guy on staff with us at the moment. We were recently bought out by a franchise and most the staff is new-
Mom: GOOD! He was a nasty old bastard and I won't come here as long as he works here! (She sees my cook) HEY! Did you work here with the nasty old guy!
Cook: *shakes head*
Mom: Good, I might come back here. But not today. I hope for your sakes that nasty old guy is gone! *leaves*
Me: Well.... that was different.
Pizza Reverend Is Watching You!
A lady walks into Castle Dove. This is a very small store, so she was in the store for less than 15 seconds. This is important.
Me: Hello, how are you today?
Lady: *walking* I'mjustgoingtothebathroom... *stops* ... Is that OK?
Me: Yeah, of course-
Lady: HMPH! *walks out*
This whole exchange takes less than 30 seconds. Twenty minutes later...
*Same Lady walks in*
Lady: You know, you have a staring problem!
Me: I'm sorry?
Lady: I know you're supposed to greet people but you shouldn't stare. I sometimes stop here to go to the bathroom but you shouldn't stare.
Me: Err... I'm sorry?
Lady: You know, maye I shouldn't stay here. You have a staring problem.
*leaves*
Apparently making cordial eye contact counts as 'staring'.
You Should Get a Better Job
Castle Dove seems to get most the crazies I have to deal with. I get a call about 4 hours into my shift:
Crazy Dude: Hey are you a manger?
Me: Yes, what can I do for you-
Crazy Dude: I was here two hours ago, I had a beer and ordered a pizza, and it was terrible! There was no sauce on it at all. My wife thought it was terrible too. It was just terrible!
Uhh, there wasn't anybody here at all during my shift. There was a guy when I came in for hours ago... is it him? Either way, I know the only cooks we've had to day are Awesome Cook and Excellent Cook, both of whom make darn good pizzas...
Me: I'm very sorry to hear that. WOuld you like me to credit-
Crazy Dude: Now I don't want anything or anything. I'm just calling to let you know you guys have terrible pizza. I can't believe it was so expensive and yet so terrible!
Me: I'm sorry-
Crazy Dude: It was so terrible I can't believe it. Now I don't want anything but, man, you need to get yourself a better job.
Me: I'm sorry-
Crazy Dude: I mean, the pizza was so expensive and so terrible, but you should just get yourself a better job. I mean, the pizza was so expensive and there was no sauce.
Me: I'm sorry-
Crazy Dude: Now I don't want anything, I just want to let you know that your pizza was terrible and you lost a customer. But if you want my advice, you should get yourself a better job. *hangs up*
This is the condensed version of this conversation. My cook cracked up after the call, demanding to know what it was, because "You said I'm Sorry like 16 times!"
THINGS I HATE
This is not necessarily sucky customers, this is just some of my pet peeves and things I hate that customers do.
•People who say "What are your specials" when they mean "Is what I'm want/planning to buy cheaper?" Bonus points if I tell you our 1 special (I always say 'Our only special is) and you say "You don't have any specials on Peperoni Pizzas?"
BEST EXAMPLE: "Do you have any specials on Peperoni Mushroom Pizzas?"
•People who begin a phone call with "Hi, I want a Large Peperoni Pizza" without any consideration of how we're going to get it to you, what your name is, where you're located, or anything. This one isn't most peoples fault, but our computer won't let us put in an order without a type of order (Dine in, take out, or delivery) and a phone number.
BEST EXAMPLE: "I want to pay by Credit Card!" (Lovely. What, exactly, do you want to use that card to pay for?)
•"Do You have any Coupons?" "We have them online and we send them out regularly." "Oh... well can you give me a discount?"
BEST EXAMPLE: "Well I don't have a printer and I didn't get any! Can you give me a discount?"
•"Oh my God it's so expensive! We're leaving!" Look, the menu is RIGHT THERE. You should check your prices before you order!
BEST EXAMPLE: A guy who ORDERED ONLINE, put in his CREDIT CARD, APPROVED THE ORDER and THEN asked why it was so expensive.
And that's all for the moment. More shall come as it comes back to my addled and tired brain.
I worked at a Restaurant that from here on forth shall be named Pizza Castle (Not it's real name, and should there happen to be a place named Pizza Castle, I apologize and do not mean to take its name in vain). I began while I was at Little Community College, and worked there for two full years before moving on to Big Peoples College a good far distance away. While at Big Peoples College, I studied and pondered and did no work to focus on my schooling, walking away with two Nice Shiny Degrees that I soon realized were utterly useless without Bigger Peoples Graduate School, which I could not yet afford. So I returned home, aiming to get a job and head off toward Bigger Peoples Graduate School.
And then the Economy tanked. I went two years without a steady job (couldn't even get a terrible job at McDonalds and the like) and finally, I gave in, and returned to Pizza Castle. Since then, I've skyrocketed to the ranks, becoming an official Baron (or Supervisor, if you prefer), even impressing our new franchise owners to the point where they started transfering me around between various Pizza Castles to Supervise, but Bigger Peoples College still is far off. For the time being, at least, I shall remain a Baron of Pizza Castle.
So that is my sad tale. Now, one thing you must know about Pizza Castle: We are expensive. Our Pizza is DARN GOOD (in all my years I've only found one other pizza that can really compare, at a Pricy Sit Down Restaurant), but for the goodness, we charge double what Cheapos Pizza or Dice Pizza and more than even Big Daddy's Pizza. We know this and most of our customers know this, but that doesn't stop some people from having problems...
But despite that Obvious Recipe For Disaster, 98% of the customers I handle are very nice. My always sunny disposition and excellent customer service skills (that was all the boasting you'll get from me) often help, but as all of you know, there's always a few...
So now, let the stories begin.
Worst Customer I Ever Had
We'll start out with the big one, such at it is (though it's clearly no War Story). This is way back from when I was Brand New at Pizza Castle - the first time. Barely a month of employment under my belt. We get a call, and as I was programed by the Little Sheet of Paper which all shall follow, I go through the motions.
Me: Thank you for calling Pizza Castle, Dine In, Take Out, or Deliverly?
WCIEH: Delivery. Phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx
As programed, I type it into the computer, which brings up her name, address, number of orders, ect.
Me: And is this WCIEH at XXX Lovecraft Lane?
WCIEH: ... I can't believe you just did that.
ME: Pardon?
WCIEH: How DARE you read my number out! Get me your manager! How long have you worked here?
Me: Uhh, a month-
WCIEH: WELL I THINK THAT'S LONG ENOUGH.
At this point, being less than a month into the first job I've ever had, I'm in tears. So my Supervisor comes over and talks... and talks... and talks... while I go hide.
Eventually, they arrange a take out. It turns out this lady was a 'key witness' in some sort of trial, and by reading her name and address out loud (which I did (and still do) for every customer), I put her in SEVERE RISK. She drove to our restraunt, but hid in the car and demanded the supervisor come out and give her the pizza personally.
Fortunately, my supervisor, being a mostly sane person, gave her what she wanted and sent her away, with no recriminations on my end. Still, that brush is what I would consider my Worst Customer I ever Had.
Like I said, no war story. My customers are mostly pretty chill. But we still get some good ones...
THIS IS AMERICA! NOT CUBA!
About a year ago, I was still in my most local Pizza Castle and now a Supervisor. Now, there are two Pizza Castles in my home town, both owned by different franchises. This causes problems, mainly because they handle the East Side of town, and we handle the West Side. It's also nearly universally agreed that East Side Castle is crap and their pizza sucks.
So one of our newer employees who was not aware of our poorly defined boundries took an order for delivery that landed in the East Side's territory. We caught it pretty quick, and because it was a busy night already, I told her to call her back and let her know she has to place the order with East Side. This happens from time to time, and as long as we're quick about catching it, it's not usually a problem. But not for this lady.
A few minutes later, newer employee comes up to me, shaking, saying the lady is demanding to speak to a manager. Since I'm in charge, that's me. What followed was kind of hilarious. I wish I could remember this one word for word, but I can't, so I'll just try and get the gist of it across.
Me: "Hi, this is the supervisor. I'm very sorry for the trouble, but my coworker didn't realize that you were out of our territory. East Side will be happy to-
Crazy Lady: No! You listen to me! This is America, this is a free county! This is not Cuba, it is America! It is a free country and you should deiver to me!
Me: I'm sorry maam, but you're on the opposite side of town. East Side can get you your pizza much quicker and-
Crazy Lady: NO! THIS IS NOT CUBA! WE ARE NOT UNDER CASTRO! THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!
It went on like this for 10 minutes. Eventually she decided to pick up. I was dreading her arrival, bracing for a much longer rant, but all she did was take her pizza, 'hrrumph' and leave. Presumably not to Cuba.
That night had a worse customer who lost his crap at me because his Pizza got lost in the shuffle and was delayed (like I said, it was absurdly busy), and still wanted to yell at me after I gave him a refund *and* his pizza. He was obviously looking for a fight, but I've found if you don't give them one they usually just end up leaving.
We Hate Your Old Boss You Never Met
So several months after returning to Pizza Castle, a corporate store, we were bought out by the Powers That Be, a new franchise that got hold of all the Pizza Castles in the immediate area (except, ironically, East Side). While being a franchise made some things harder, it ended up being a blessing, because the Powers that Be took notice of me, and really liked me. After the Powers That Be decided I was awesome enough to go to other stores, I ended up working at two different Pizza Castles. Castle Hawk is a big, nice Pizza Castle with an awesome crew in a good location that for some bizzare reason, can not manage to find ANYONE locally to work there (Seriously, 3/4 of our crew commutes). Castle Dove is a tiny little Castle with a bad reputation. See, before it got bought out by the Franchise, it was owned by the Terrible Old Man. I never met the Terrible Old Man, and I hopefully never will, because he was so bad, he drove the sales at Castle Dove to virtually nil. It wasn't a big store to begin with, but he was really bad. Apparently he was doing things like charging customers for bags (!), yelling at customers, telling people we don't deliver AT ALL (!!) and hiring some not so great people.
As a result, Castle Dove is slow as heck. The reputation lingers however...
While working a shift at Castle Dove, a little girl walks in and asks me for a plastic spoon. Being a pizza place with no need for such cutlery, I offer her all I have - a plastic fork. She happily takes it and skips out.
A few minutes later her mom comes in with a big glare on her face.
Mom: That nasty old guy still work here?
Me: Pardon?
Mom: That nasty old guy! He was terrible! As long as he works here, I'm never coming to this restraunt.
Me: There's no old guy on staff with us at the moment. We were recently bought out by a franchise and most the staff is new-
Mom: GOOD! He was a nasty old bastard and I won't come here as long as he works here! (She sees my cook) HEY! Did you work here with the nasty old guy!
Cook: *shakes head*
Mom: Good, I might come back here. But not today. I hope for your sakes that nasty old guy is gone! *leaves*
Me: Well.... that was different.
Pizza Reverend Is Watching You!
A lady walks into Castle Dove. This is a very small store, so she was in the store for less than 15 seconds. This is important.
Me: Hello, how are you today?
Lady: *walking* I'mjustgoingtothebathroom... *stops* ... Is that OK?
Me: Yeah, of course-
Lady: HMPH! *walks out*
This whole exchange takes less than 30 seconds. Twenty minutes later...
*Same Lady walks in*
Lady: You know, you have a staring problem!
Me: I'm sorry?
Lady: I know you're supposed to greet people but you shouldn't stare. I sometimes stop here to go to the bathroom but you shouldn't stare.
Me: Err... I'm sorry?
Lady: You know, maye I shouldn't stay here. You have a staring problem.
*leaves*
Apparently making cordial eye contact counts as 'staring'.
You Should Get a Better Job
Castle Dove seems to get most the crazies I have to deal with. I get a call about 4 hours into my shift:
Crazy Dude: Hey are you a manger?
Me: Yes, what can I do for you-
Crazy Dude: I was here two hours ago, I had a beer and ordered a pizza, and it was terrible! There was no sauce on it at all. My wife thought it was terrible too. It was just terrible!
Uhh, there wasn't anybody here at all during my shift. There was a guy when I came in for hours ago... is it him? Either way, I know the only cooks we've had to day are Awesome Cook and Excellent Cook, both of whom make darn good pizzas...
Me: I'm very sorry to hear that. WOuld you like me to credit-
Crazy Dude: Now I don't want anything or anything. I'm just calling to let you know you guys have terrible pizza. I can't believe it was so expensive and yet so terrible!
Me: I'm sorry-
Crazy Dude: It was so terrible I can't believe it. Now I don't want anything but, man, you need to get yourself a better job.
Me: I'm sorry-
Crazy Dude: I mean, the pizza was so expensive and so terrible, but you should just get yourself a better job. I mean, the pizza was so expensive and there was no sauce.
Me: I'm sorry-
Crazy Dude: Now I don't want anything, I just want to let you know that your pizza was terrible and you lost a customer. But if you want my advice, you should get yourself a better job. *hangs up*
This is the condensed version of this conversation. My cook cracked up after the call, demanding to know what it was, because "You said I'm Sorry like 16 times!"
THINGS I HATE
This is not necessarily sucky customers, this is just some of my pet peeves and things I hate that customers do.
•People who say "What are your specials" when they mean "Is what I'm want/planning to buy cheaper?" Bonus points if I tell you our 1 special (I always say 'Our only special is) and you say "You don't have any specials on Peperoni Pizzas?"
BEST EXAMPLE: "Do you have any specials on Peperoni Mushroom Pizzas?"
•People who begin a phone call with "Hi, I want a Large Peperoni Pizza" without any consideration of how we're going to get it to you, what your name is, where you're located, or anything. This one isn't most peoples fault, but our computer won't let us put in an order without a type of order (Dine in, take out, or delivery) and a phone number.
BEST EXAMPLE: "I want to pay by Credit Card!" (Lovely. What, exactly, do you want to use that card to pay for?)
•"Do You have any Coupons?" "We have them online and we send them out regularly." "Oh... well can you give me a discount?"
BEST EXAMPLE: "Well I don't have a printer and I didn't get any! Can you give me a discount?"
•"Oh my God it's so expensive! We're leaving!" Look, the menu is RIGHT THERE. You should check your prices before you order!
BEST EXAMPLE: A guy who ORDERED ONLINE, put in his CREDIT CARD, APPROVED THE ORDER and THEN asked why it was so expensive.
And that's all for the moment. More shall come as it comes back to my addled and tired brain.
to 
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Oh, and if you haven't seen it already, you might like this site: 
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