Sir, it is neither hygenic nor legal to defecate there...

[Shironu-Akaineko]

I don't get this at all - don't they realize bears EAT the honey - therefore they could EAT your kid? I really don't think the bears are going to stop and think "hey I could eat this nice meaty surprise covered in honey - but nah, I'll just lick it, smile for a picture, and then walk away!"

Naw they think they can bribe the bear not to eat the kid in exchange for a pik-a-nika basket...

[Buglady]

I'm having Park flashbacks here! (Yoho, 2000) I worked with the Wildlife guys so I had very little contact with tourons, but one of the guys in the staff bunkhouse had some war stories all right. He was at the park information/registration office and one woman complained that "you should shoot the bears if they are so dangerous!" after being given the standard "backcountry bear safety" talk. I think Rob had to be restrained by 2 other staff members - he really, really wanted to go over the counter at her. He was working on his Master's on bear ecology and was pretty frank about liking bears better than people.

I lost count of the number of times we had to yell at idiots to get back in their cars and not feed the bears on the side of the highway... never saw any with kids, though, thank goodness.

[Kara]

Back in my Kroger days, I carried out some groceries for a customer and on the way out I see a customer on the pay phone outside and he had this little boy standing behind him who couldn't have been any younger than five. Anyway the kid had no pants. Not like, they were around his ankles or anything, but he was completely sans pants and undies. He had a shirt and shoes, thank God it was summer. So on my way back in I see the man and his son are gone, but the boy left a little homemade present on the sidewalk by the pay phone. I pretended not to notice and kept right on walking.

[MystyGlyttyr]

As I say every time I watch Survivor..."Stupid city people."

I'm a country girl through and through. I think nothing of chasing coyotes out of my yard with a baseball bat, or picking berries/plums/sourweed (better known as sorrel)/whatever and eating it right then and there. I've tipped cows, fished with nothing but a pair of pants, and been knocked out of a tree by a hawk. So yeah, I'm as country as they get.

Still, I'm amazed at the complete and utter lack of knowledge some city people ("city people" = "anyone who lives within a mile of other folks" ) have about how things work. I'm not knocking the ones who just don't know, it's the ones who are willfully ignorant and don't believe someone who's experienced this for their entire life.

So, for the record, a quick lesson in country life from Mysty...(every one of these bits is something I have had to beat into somebody's head because they didn't believe the girl who knows how to play cow-chip bingo.)

Turkeys can fly. I don't care who told you otherwise. The first time one of those bastards drops a deuce on you from the top of a 30-foot pine, you'll figure it out.

If it's remotely dog-like but it's not wearing a collar, it does not want you to pet it. It wants you to feed it. Your hand.

If the ANTS aren't eating it, odds are you don't want to eat it, either. It has "death" in it's name. That implies you should not eat it. Yes, it looks just like the mushrooms you get at the store. They grow those mushrooms somewhere special, they aren't randomly pulled out of the woods.

Yes, I know I'm pulling things out of the ground and eating them. That's because I know what I'm doing. Eat what I eat, avoid what I avoid. It's not hard.

Yes, snakes spit. Just try to eat the berries that aren't slobbed on and ignore it.

Further, those things BITE. If you must play with one, go to a pet store, do not pick up whatever random bad thing you find, or else you'll get a close-up look at why they're called cottonmouths.

I don't care how you feel about PETA. If a snake is just sliding by and doesn't bother me, I'll ignore it. But if it rears up in front of me, I AM going to kill it, preferably BEFORE it kills me.

Just because I cut the head off does NOT mean it won't still bite you. I know it's weird that the head is still flopping around snapping it's jaws, and I AM observing this oddity of nature...from WAAAAAAAY over there. You should too. Just stay away from it.

Buzzards ARE extraordinarily filthy birds, but they're harmless. Just leave the ugly things in peace and let them clean up the road kill.

You won't die from swimming in a pond.

Unless you ignore my warning to stay away from the water moccasin nest. Then you'll die.

I swear to God, if you don't stop trying to eat that frickin' death cap, I'm not gonna stop you next time.

Does it have three leaves? Does it have five leaves? Does it have the spiral-y palm-fan-style leaves? Then no, it won't kill you. For God's sakes, that's a pine tree.

...last but not least...

NO, that water is NOT safe to drink! Do you not see we're in a cow field??

[infavorofnaturalselection]

Still, I'm amazed at the complete and utter lack of knowledge some city people ("city people" = "anyone who lives within a mile of other folks" ) have about how things work. I'm not knocking the ones who just don't know, it's the ones who are willfully ignorant and don't believe someone who's experienced this for their entire life.

This applies also to country folk. City folk are just more numerous and the oppurnities of natural selection to weed out these folk are more limited due to the taming effect of cities.

If the ANTS aren't eating it, odds are you don't want to eat it, either. It has "death" in it's name. That implies you should not eat it. Yes, it looks just like the mushrooms you get at the store. They grow those mushrooms somewhere special, they aren't randomly pulled out of the woods.

How the hell do people not know that the store bought mushrooms are specially cultivated in underground facilities such as basements or mines then quality tested to be sure they aren't poisoned is beyond me. Btw not to nitpick but there are speciality mushrooms dug up from the ground by specially trained people/animals they are called truffles. There are also some other ones. But again the people harvesting them know what they are getting.

Too many mushrooms grow in the wild that resemble the harmless ones and even an expert would have a hard time telling them apart. Only reason someone should eat wild mushrooms is if they have no other choice and know that patch from prior expierence grows harmless ones.

Just because I cut the head off does NOT mean it won't still bite you. I know it's weird that the head is still flopping around snapping it's jaws, and I AM observing this oddity of nature...from WAAAAAAAY over there. You should too. Just stay away from it.

You should have brought up headless chickens. That freaks a lot of ignorant city folk out.

You won't die from swimming in a pond.

You may get something nasty though perhaps leeches or some parasite that could kill you. Best to filter the water in your hand and see how clear it is. Also smell it.

If you must play with one, go to a pet store

Bad advice there are several poisonious things sold in pet stores. Best not to pick up anything unless the store employees vouch for it.

[Seshat]

I'm a city folks now (wheelchairs are not meant for the wilderness, and I can't walk far anymore), but here's some for the Australian bush:

Yes, I see the delicate hairs on that plant. Please don't pick the leaves. That's a stinging tree.

You want me to walk more quietly? You think I'm scaring the animals away? Well, yes, I am scaring some of the more timid creatures away, but any kangaroos in this bush won't be frightened by mere humans, and I'm also scaring the snakes away.

No, I'm not laughing at you. That's a kookaburra.

That's not bells, that's a bellbird.

Noone's cracking a whip, either. That's two whipbirds. It's their mating call.

What? You want to pat a koala? Come here. Look at these deep scars in the tree bark. That's from a koala climbing. Still want to pat one?

No, they're not bears.

Yes, I am sure.

Fer chrissake, they're not even placental!

No, we can't start a walk at 4:30 in the afternoon. Into a canopy rainforest. In the mountains. In the subtropics. In winter. (Note to those who don't know: canopy rainforests are dim even at high noon. And subtropical and tropical regions don't have long twilights. Once the sun goes down, it gets dark fast.)


And an extra one which our Canadian brethren will well understand (different ecosystem, same problem):
No, I'm not overpacking for our journey into the outback. Yes, I DO want that water, extra fuel, CB radio, spare batteries for the radio, car tools, fan belt, extra spare tyre, and trip intentions form filed with the local police.

[Emmeileia]

It has "death" in it's name. That implies you should not eat it. Yes, it looks just like the mushrooms you get at the store. They grow those mushrooms somewhere special, they aren't randomly pulled out of the woods.

Oh my, just reminded me of another. Now, Mushrooming is not banned in the park and we do have some nice morels...HOWEVER, it is not reccomended.
We had a couple come into the office with a bag of mushrooms.

MG: Mushroom Guy
MGW: Mushroom Guy's wife
Me
Warden Lady: WL

MG: Hey, can we eat theses? These are edible right?
(The only mushroom I personally know how to identify without fail is a morel. These were not morels. I have NO CLUE what these were, except that they were not morals, Fly agaric, or Destroying Angels)
Me:Um, well really I wouldn't we don't reccomend eating wild mushrooms.
MGW: Oh but we have the same ones at home in Europe.
Me: (ohshit) Well they probably aren't the same type...if you are from Europe and all.
MGW: BUT it says they are edible in your boooook! *pulls out the Mushrooms of Algonquin Park book* (note: This book shows about 200 of the most common of the several thousand types of mushrooms, fungi and lichen in the park. Has a big disclaimer it is not an ID book)
Me:That is not an ID book, you can't use it like that.
MG: But the book says...
WL: (Notices couple with death wish) Really, don't eat those. You can't ID them. I have lived here years, and I can't ID them...
MGW: BUT THE BOOK TELLS US!

So...they would not listen to me or the warden. As they left I turned to the warden and asked if we should check their site later to see if they are dead...
Luckily nothing came of it. Maybe they clued in.

Oddly enough...I was raised entirely in the city myself. I didn't do much hardcore camping until the end of highschool. But I was never that dumb, I am SURE.

[AFpheonix]

BH: 'Scuse us, where do you keep the bears?
Cw: Pardon? Like the stuffed ones from the gift shop?
BH: No, the BEARS. Where are the cages? Where do you keep them? We want to know where we can go to see them.
CW:Ummmm, sorry we don't exactly KEEP them anywhere...This is a park, they sort of...run wild?
BH: What do you mean? There is no viewing area? There are no planned bear viewings?
CW: Well, no...
BH: THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WE CAME FROM ENGLAND TO SEE BEARS!!! RARGH! YOU ARE A DISORGANIZED PARK!!!

So....did you dress up in a bear suit that night and go scare the living crap out of them in their campsite?

And please, PLEASE for the love of Sekhmet and all that is good in this world...DON'T smear your kid with honey, BBQ sauce or WHATEVER to get a cute pic of the bear licking them. IT WILL NOT BE GOOD YOU ASSHAT. (We see this every year)

How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop?

[morgana]

Ah, bears . . . (very long)

Brings back memories.

Yellowstone National Park, summer of 1965. Me, my parents, my four siblings, all in one little pickup camper that's supposed to sleep four, in one of the "developed" (meaning it had brick bathrooms) campgrounds. I'm the oldest, at 14. My sibs are 11, 8, 7, and 2.

We'd been fishing that afternoon. Damn, the Yellowstone River is *cold*. Our catch is cooking in foil in the campfire, smelling really, really good. And up strolls Yogi. It smells really, really good to him, too.

Looking back, Yogi was probably a fairly small bear. Might have weighed 400-500 pounds. Looked like f*ing Godzilla to me. I screamed, Mom screamed, Dad just got this look

Mom grabbed the baby, Dad grabbed one of the boys under each arm, and we all sort of landed in a heap on the floor of the camper. Then we watched through the door as Yogi demolished the campfire, ate the fish foil and all, and wandered off. We ate cheese sandwiches for supper.

OK, that's enough of an encounter for most folks, right? If only it ended there.

The bathrooms were across the road from us. Camped right next to them were a single mom and her two teenage kids, boy and girl. Boy had been fishing with us that afternoon. That night, girl wasn't feeling well, so she and mom sat up in the car so mom could keep an eye on her. Boy slept in the tent. In the clothes he'd worn fishing. This is important.

About midnight, I heard a commotion. I was sleeping in the cab of the pickup ('cause it was damn crowded in the camper ), so I raised my head and looked across the road. Didn't see anything; went back to sleep.

About an hour later, my mom came back from the bathroom with the story, and woke us all up. Apparently Yogi had paid the campground another visit. Yogi smelled the fish that boy had cleaned earlier, still on the clothes he was sleeping in. Yogi wanted the fish, so Yogi went into the tent. He made his own door.

Yup, stood up on his hind legs, put a paw on the top of the tent, and opened it up from top to bottom.

Boy woke up muzzle to muzzle with the bear. Boy (of course) involuntarily made himself smell like something other than fish. He says he played dead; I think to this day that he fainted. Yogi turned away and demolished the styrofoam cooler the fish was in, took the fish and left.

They decided to spend the rest of the night in the car and leave at daybreak. No, really?

Well, we all got calmed back down and tried to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, my mom discovered that in the excitement she'd left her purse in the bathroom. She went to see if it was still there. It was, fortunately. Unfortunately, when she opened the door to return to the camper, she almost literally ran into the bear. He was loitering outside the bathroom, apparently looking for more fish.

We left at daybreak, as well.

[Becks]

WD: Um, I have been watching the people on the other handicapped site (the wheelchair people had one, and there was another family on the other) and I don't think they have anyone handicapped. I think they are just using someone's pass. Can you have the warden go kick them off?
Me: Well, I will see what I can do, I will definately tell the warden to stop by

Me: Hey WM! Can you check site *blah*? Apparently they people at *Blarg* site say they are not handicapped?
WM: The grandpa is 97 and can barely walk...I am pretty sure he is handicapped...
Me: The wheelchair people apparently disagree...

Don't you know? Only people with wheelchairs are handicapped. Anyone else is FAKING IT!!!!

/sarcasm

[tollbaby]

*Do NOT Google upper-decker while eating, drinking, or being near food.

Could you not simply explain then, with a disclaimer at the beginning? Some of us aren't brave enough to google (okay... just me).

[AFpheonix]

Could you not simply explain then, with a disclaimer at the beginning? Some of us aren't brave enough to google (okay... just me).

you know the part of the toilet you're supposed to poop in? Well, someone performing an upper decker don't poop in that, they poop in another enclosed portion of the toilet.....

[tollbaby]

thanks for the explanation I'm one of those simple people who doesn't use euphemisms for things and doesn't tend to understand the ones other people use LOL

Bears? that's why we keep a shotgun behind the kitchen door at the farm. Wolves too. Easter weekend, the wolves attacked a deer in our field across the way They don't generally tend to do that. It must have been injured or sick I love it when city people come out, antagonize the wildlife and then claim that the wildlife is dangerous. Well gee folks, we didn't have any trouble with it until you came along! argh.

I live just on the outskirts of Gatineau Park I *love* it. Took the kids out to Pink Lake on the weekend to do the lake trail (about 2.5 or 3 km, all the way around the lake. LOTS of climbing).

[Shironu-Akaineko]

I love it when city people come out, antagonize the wildlife and then claim that the wildlife is dangerous. Well gee folks, we didn't have any trouble with it until you came along! argh.

Here Yogi Yogi Yogi~
*maul*
THIS WILDLIFE IS DANGEROUS! I'LL SUE! YOU GETTIN' ALL THAT ON CAMERA, HONEY?

Keyword here is WILD people. Not "girls gone wild" wild, "Animals gone wild" Wild. Get it?

[skeptic53]

The longer bears are around people & their food, the more determined and clever they become. On a Scout 50-mile backpacking trip in the Sierras, our last night was in Little Yosemite Valley. We put what little food we had left in a stuff sack, hauled it 40 feet off the ground and 12 feet out on a limb, the limb was 50 feet up, so the sack dangled 10 feet below the limb. We had to tie together several pieces of nylon line to have enough rope.

In the middle of the night a small, teen-age bear went up the tree, out the limb, snagged the rope, hauled up the sack and ripped it open.

All trip we had been complaining about this awful orange powder that was supposed to be mixed with water and then spread on crackers. It was called "Zippy Cheese Spread". We had a lot of it left 'cuz no one would eat it, not even ravenous teenage backpackers.

And not even bears. They ate all the food EXCEPT the Zippy Cheese Spread. One packet had been ripped open and tasted, and the left were left intact.

Next morning, hiking out, we saw a guy with a brand-new Kelty Pack. This was 1968, the very dawn of the nylon-and-aluminum pack era, Kelty was the Lexus of backpacks, very expensive. It had been ripped to shreds and he was trying to sew it up. It was the second day of a planned 2-week trip, he had no food any more and his pack looked like nylon samples. Sucks to be him, but he should have known better. There were signs all over about keeping food away from the bears, but then who would read a sign??