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WHen the new students arrive, we TRY to be nice. We actually will warn them the first time they park illegally (in fact, I was driving one of the barely-running loaner cars around this week putting warnings on cars that say "if you're still parked this bad come Monday, the car goes bye-bye", you know, just to be nice. )
Alas, 90% of them were ignored, or just tossed into the cup holders, and people kept on parking wrong.
Made it fun when the first COMPLAINTS came in when Monday DID roll around and they got TOWED for exactly what we warned them about.
Complaints about how we STOLE their cars.... and now are SCAMMING them out of money....
Ya know, I think I should just get myself a big ol' Pirate flag for the truck, if I'm going to be accused of stealing from people, I might as well just give them their moneys worth, hoist the Jolly Roger, and show them what REAL unbridled larceny looks like. (There's two extra seats in the cab, I'm gonna need a CREW, any volunteers? 4 years experience with scurvy a plus, but not necessary, will train.)
Anywho, on to the roll call of the aggrieved.
Warnings, Schmarnings
Friday- Recieve warning you are parked in wrong lot. Remove it, think nothing of it.
Saturday - Recieve second warning you are parked in wrong lot. Remove it, think nothing of it.
Monday - Recieve final warning (actually a $15 ticket) that you are in wrong lot and about to be towed. Remove it, think nothing of it.
Tuesday - Get towed, bitch to rental office that you were towed "For no reason" since you "have a permit" and that you were "Not warned". Get rental office to call us and demand explanation, sulk off in defeat when secretary at our office explains to secretary at their office the three days worth of warnings, which you neglected to mention. Cue their secretary apologizing to us for you being a moron and telling you "there's nothing that can be done, you'll need to pay them"
And, the "wrong lot" in this case was more than just an "A" being in a "B". You had a permit for "500 Idiocracy Way", you then parked in the lot for 533 Idiocracy Way, which is a DIFFERENT reality conglomerate with different sized and different colored permits, I can only assume you were aiming for 501 Idiocracy Way, owned by the same agency that owns 500, but still wrong as it's a DIFFERENT lot on the OTHER SIDE of the street behind a DIFFERENT house. Yes, you went for the wrong lot ANYWAY and still MISSED it.
A cross-eyed pony fed on a diet of muffins probably wouldn't have messed up THAT bad, but there you go....
Well, That De-Escalated Quickly
Ring goes the phone.... auto-spiel mode, activate!
Friendly Neighborhood Towing, how can.... *CUT DOWN LIKE A STORMTROOPER ON ENDOR*
YOUR DRIVER IS ASSAULTING ME!!!
Wait, what? Our driver is physically HITTING you? Right now?
Well, NO, but he's THREATENING me!!!!
Wait, you're saying our driver is making threats on your life?
Uh.... no, but he's being VERY RUDE!!!!
How?
He..... he won't put my car down until I pay!
That's his job, Sir, good day
*click*
And for those playing at home, the vicious evil frothing-at-the-mouth driver doing all this? It was Slim. A guy so mellow that if he got any MORE relaxed, his beard would unravel and fall out at the roots like a first-grader's cheap macrame project.
Senior on Senior Crime
So, looks like the Hunchback of Senior Court and her trusty sidekick The Squealstress have been at it again, looking for cars that don't have permits and calling us to remove them post haste!!!! We can't have ANARCHY like this!!!!
This is literally her hobby. (and that of her friend, the only friend she apparently has in the whole complex, no surprise) Some oldsters browse Ebay, some play cards, some spoil their grandkids rotten, and some, are just plain rotten, like her. All summer long, she sits on the porch and calls us 3 or 4 times a day to get down there and do our job....
I hate this. Not because I hate towing illegals, perish that thought! But, since we can't teleport down to the old-folks home like she seems to think we can, by the time we get there, 99 times out of 100 the offending car is gone anyway. (Assuming she hasn't, once again, tried to call in the maintenance man's truck for having no permit...) and chances are, most of the stuff we're towing away is someone else's poor grandma's car, I really DON'T like doing this since the aforementioned maintenance man is already the de facto patrolman for the lot, and if something needs towed, rest assured, he'll let us know...... as soon as he has the luxury of not needing to fix leaky pipes and the like.
And, like a blind squirrel in a nut bucket, Hunchback eventually finds one that we can tow and is STILL THERE when we get there.
And whenever she does, it's owned by someone who's just as old, crotchety and dyspeptic as herself.
Like yesterday, when an 80 year old lady who we'd been sicc'd on by Hunchback did the "fling gravel" exit from the yard in a handicapped-plated car after paying, the kind of display of defiance you usually only see from the owners of "Brodozer" trucks.... those jacked-up monstrosities with 1-ton load capacities that have never carried a payload heftier than a six-pack.
Of course, that dramatic exit was AFTER the 20 minute "Imma gonna find SOMETHING you broke" walk-around of said vehicle, inspecting parts that we don't even TOUCH, sure we dumb inbreds broke SOMETHING. (This lady actually grabbed both bumpers and tried to pull them off, sure they had somehow been loosened, Ma'm, we don't pick cars up by the bumper, we can't, they haven't MADE a car that can be picked up by the bumper since I was a kid, several Presidents ago, as opposed to your childhood, which happened in those calm periods of serenity between Tyrannosaurus attacks.)
Senior on senior crime.... it ain't pretty.
Sparse attendance at THOSE funerals, methinks. Hunchback and Squealstress better have good locks on their condo doors, I get the feeling everyone else in that building is just itching for the chance to sneak in there at night and valve off the oxygen tanks....
Who is Really, REALLY the Dumb One Here? Hummmmm???
Okay, since you hung up on us, calling us all "Redneck Assholes" the first time you called, we didn't get much chance to explain ourselves. But since you're here now, in front of us, bawling your eyes out (There is NO crying in baseball, or gettn' towed!) let's take this golden opportunity to set the record straight.
Is the court ready to proceed? Good.
Now, the reason you got towed, is you parked in space #20, at "Apartment A", that was NOT your space, your space is #20 at "Apartment B", which is next-door to "Apartment A", the person who owns space #20 at "Apartment A" had nowhere to park, called you in, and we towed you. That was two weeks ago, so, your bill between the tow and the storage is $380-some, cash, credit, debit, no checks"
No, we are not wrong, that's what happened.
No, we are not mistaken, that's what happened.
No, we are not "refusing to listen", we ARE listening, the problem is YOU are wrong, you did NOT park where you think you parked, you parked in the WRONG lot.
No, that's not your space, yes, it's #20, but it's NOT in your lot.
No, that map you are holding in your hand does NOT show where you parked, it shows where you SHOULD have, but in fact, did NOT. See? The location of space #20 in Apartment B's lot, where you are assigned, is over to the far right side, two spaces down from the second entrance. Where you parked, Apartment A's lot, has a space #20, but it's in the middle row, center of the lot, that has only one entrance, not two, like on your map. So, you just proved to us you were in the wrong spot.
No, you don't have to highlight space #20 on that map with a pen.... we can see it just fine, that's not the problem, the problem is, you didn't park THERE. That map doesn't match where you parked..... it's not the place YOU DID park, see? Even the street names aren't right, Apartment "A" is on a corner, so there's "This" and "That" streets labeled, Apartment "B" is by itself on just one street..... so only "This" street is on that map? See?
No, the problem is not that we're all dumb
No, the problem is not that we aren't listening
No, we didn't fail to contact you and tell you to move your car, or that it had, in fact, been towed, we cannot do that. We don't have the ability to find a car owner on license plate alone, only the courts/DMV have that information, and even it's not right all the time. We're STILL trying to find the owner of that Maroon Jeep Cherokee slowly decomposing in the corner of the lot so we can wrangle a title out of them and ship it to the junkyard. I wish we DID have the ability to look up people by plate, but we don't. In fact, we have no contact information for you at all (disregarding that nasty stuff they wrote about you on that bathroom wall of the billiard hall downtown, of course) So we didn't fail to do something, we simply can't do it.
No.... the..... okay, you want to call your Mom, go ahead.
No, WE are not calling them, YOU will have to call them, but be advised, we aren't going to say anything different to them than we are to you.
No, it's perfectly fine for me to randomly doodle on this scrap paper while explaining this all to you, just because you feel "This is serious!!!!" doesn't mean I have to give you 400% attention, I'm more than capable of listening while drawing a meaningless inward spiral on some blank paper (Metaphorically, it's appropriate as it's describing where you're getting with me pretty well right now.) SO there's no need to chastise me for it.
No, I'm not giving you my full name
No, I don't care if you're going to sue
No, you don't need my name "for the lawyer" if you're going to sue, just have him call me and I'll gladly give it to him.
No, I'm not "telling you (sic) what to do" , you're free to call a lawyer, or not call a lawyer, I'm just telling you you won't be getting my full name since you don't need it and can't legally force me to give it.
I sleep just fine at night
I sleep in my bed, sometimes the couch. Usually that's for if the dog stupidly ate half-dead deer parts dug up in the yard, again, and I have to stay by the front door all night for emergency egress purposes, or else he'll puke all over the place (amazing how much vomit fits in one tiny little stomach, huh?) but, thanks for asking, lots of people seem to be really curious as to my sleep habits, given how often I'm quizzed on them.
I like my job just fine
Yes
Yes, really
Yes, really, really
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes, I do, in fact, like my job.
Yes
Yes
I get paid by the hour, I can keep this up as long as you can afford the lost-wages to keep asking....
And ANOTHER crazy woman is out of my life for good! Whew....
Funny thing, we had the EXACT same issue last semester, someone parked in space #20 at building "A" despite having a permit for the same spot at building "B", and, in both cases, hers and his, it was a car with New Jersey plates that did it, wonder if they're related? Scary thought. But, that's what happens when you won't let people make left-hand turns across traffic their whole lives, Jersey, they lose the ability to spatially orient themselves correctly. You're just raising a generation of wind-up toys that will blithely walk off countertops and fall to their doom unless I stop them, you probably should care more about that than you do, but what do I know? I'm just the dumb redneck asshole tow truck driver who maybe, just maybe, likes his job, I'm not sure.... 
Well, at least, if their thinking on display there was any indication, the projected flunk-out date for them is December, and I'll never have to see em' again. At least not here, maybe in a Circus somewhere, but NOT here, NOT on the clock.
I could so use a refresher right now, hey, Barkeep! You still got wood alcohol on tap, right? Make it a double.
Alas, 90% of them were ignored, or just tossed into the cup holders, and people kept on parking wrong.
Made it fun when the first COMPLAINTS came in when Monday DID roll around and they got TOWED for exactly what we warned them about.
Complaints about how we STOLE their cars.... and now are SCAMMING them out of money....
Ya know, I think I should just get myself a big ol' Pirate flag for the truck, if I'm going to be accused of stealing from people, I might as well just give them their moneys worth, hoist the Jolly Roger, and show them what REAL unbridled larceny looks like. (There's two extra seats in the cab, I'm gonna need a CREW, any volunteers? 4 years experience with scurvy a plus, but not necessary, will train.)
Anywho, on to the roll call of the aggrieved.
Warnings, Schmarnings
Friday- Recieve warning you are parked in wrong lot. Remove it, think nothing of it.
Saturday - Recieve second warning you are parked in wrong lot. Remove it, think nothing of it.
Monday - Recieve final warning (actually a $15 ticket) that you are in wrong lot and about to be towed. Remove it, think nothing of it.
Tuesday - Get towed, bitch to rental office that you were towed "For no reason" since you "have a permit" and that you were "Not warned". Get rental office to call us and demand explanation, sulk off in defeat when secretary at our office explains to secretary at their office the three days worth of warnings, which you neglected to mention. Cue their secretary apologizing to us for you being a moron and telling you "there's nothing that can be done, you'll need to pay them"
And, the "wrong lot" in this case was more than just an "A" being in a "B". You had a permit for "500 Idiocracy Way", you then parked in the lot for 533 Idiocracy Way, which is a DIFFERENT reality conglomerate with different sized and different colored permits, I can only assume you were aiming for 501 Idiocracy Way, owned by the same agency that owns 500, but still wrong as it's a DIFFERENT lot on the OTHER SIDE of the street behind a DIFFERENT house. Yes, you went for the wrong lot ANYWAY and still MISSED it.
A cross-eyed pony fed on a diet of muffins probably wouldn't have messed up THAT bad, but there you go....
Well, That De-Escalated Quickly
Ring goes the phone.... auto-spiel mode, activate!
Friendly Neighborhood Towing, how can.... *CUT DOWN LIKE A STORMTROOPER ON ENDOR*
YOUR DRIVER IS ASSAULTING ME!!!
Wait, what? Our driver is physically HITTING you? Right now?
Well, NO, but he's THREATENING me!!!!
Wait, you're saying our driver is making threats on your life?
Uh.... no, but he's being VERY RUDE!!!!
How?
He..... he won't put my car down until I pay!
That's his job, Sir, good day
*click*
And for those playing at home, the vicious evil frothing-at-the-mouth driver doing all this? It was Slim. A guy so mellow that if he got any MORE relaxed, his beard would unravel and fall out at the roots like a first-grader's cheap macrame project.
Senior on Senior Crime
So, looks like the Hunchback of Senior Court and her trusty sidekick The Squealstress have been at it again, looking for cars that don't have permits and calling us to remove them post haste!!!! We can't have ANARCHY like this!!!!
This is literally her hobby. (and that of her friend, the only friend she apparently has in the whole complex, no surprise) Some oldsters browse Ebay, some play cards, some spoil their grandkids rotten, and some, are just plain rotten, like her. All summer long, she sits on the porch and calls us 3 or 4 times a day to get down there and do our job....
I hate this. Not because I hate towing illegals, perish that thought! But, since we can't teleport down to the old-folks home like she seems to think we can, by the time we get there, 99 times out of 100 the offending car is gone anyway. (Assuming she hasn't, once again, tried to call in the maintenance man's truck for having no permit...) and chances are, most of the stuff we're towing away is someone else's poor grandma's car, I really DON'T like doing this since the aforementioned maintenance man is already the de facto patrolman for the lot, and if something needs towed, rest assured, he'll let us know...... as soon as he has the luxury of not needing to fix leaky pipes and the like. And, like a blind squirrel in a nut bucket, Hunchback eventually finds one that we can tow and is STILL THERE when we get there.
And whenever she does, it's owned by someone who's just as old, crotchety and dyspeptic as herself.
Like yesterday, when an 80 year old lady who we'd been sicc'd on by Hunchback did the "fling gravel" exit from the yard in a handicapped-plated car after paying, the kind of display of defiance you usually only see from the owners of "Brodozer" trucks.... those jacked-up monstrosities with 1-ton load capacities that have never carried a payload heftier than a six-pack.
Of course, that dramatic exit was AFTER the 20 minute "Imma gonna find SOMETHING you broke" walk-around of said vehicle, inspecting parts that we don't even TOUCH, sure we dumb inbreds broke SOMETHING. (This lady actually grabbed both bumpers and tried to pull them off, sure they had somehow been loosened, Ma'm, we don't pick cars up by the bumper, we can't, they haven't MADE a car that can be picked up by the bumper since I was a kid, several Presidents ago, as opposed to your childhood, which happened in those calm periods of serenity between Tyrannosaurus attacks.)
Senior on senior crime.... it ain't pretty.
Sparse attendance at THOSE funerals, methinks. Hunchback and Squealstress better have good locks on their condo doors, I get the feeling everyone else in that building is just itching for the chance to sneak in there at night and valve off the oxygen tanks....
Who is Really, REALLY the Dumb One Here? Hummmmm???
Okay, since you hung up on us, calling us all "Redneck Assholes" the first time you called, we didn't get much chance to explain ourselves. But since you're here now, in front of us, bawling your eyes out (There is NO crying in baseball, or gettn' towed!) let's take this golden opportunity to set the record straight.
Is the court ready to proceed? Good.
Now, the reason you got towed, is you parked in space #20, at "Apartment A", that was NOT your space, your space is #20 at "Apartment B", which is next-door to "Apartment A", the person who owns space #20 at "Apartment A" had nowhere to park, called you in, and we towed you. That was two weeks ago, so, your bill between the tow and the storage is $380-some, cash, credit, debit, no checks"
No, we are not wrong, that's what happened.
No, we are not mistaken, that's what happened.
No, we are not "refusing to listen", we ARE listening, the problem is YOU are wrong, you did NOT park where you think you parked, you parked in the WRONG lot.
No, that's not your space, yes, it's #20, but it's NOT in your lot.
No, that map you are holding in your hand does NOT show where you parked, it shows where you SHOULD have, but in fact, did NOT. See? The location of space #20 in Apartment B's lot, where you are assigned, is over to the far right side, two spaces down from the second entrance. Where you parked, Apartment A's lot, has a space #20, but it's in the middle row, center of the lot, that has only one entrance, not two, like on your map. So, you just proved to us you were in the wrong spot.
No, you don't have to highlight space #20 on that map with a pen.... we can see it just fine, that's not the problem, the problem is, you didn't park THERE. That map doesn't match where you parked..... it's not the place YOU DID park, see? Even the street names aren't right, Apartment "A" is on a corner, so there's "This" and "That" streets labeled, Apartment "B" is by itself on just one street..... so only "This" street is on that map? See?
No, the problem is not that we're all dumb
No, the problem is not that we aren't listening
No, we didn't fail to contact you and tell you to move your car, or that it had, in fact, been towed, we cannot do that. We don't have the ability to find a car owner on license plate alone, only the courts/DMV have that information, and even it's not right all the time. We're STILL trying to find the owner of that Maroon Jeep Cherokee slowly decomposing in the corner of the lot so we can wrangle a title out of them and ship it to the junkyard. I wish we DID have the ability to look up people by plate, but we don't. In fact, we have no contact information for you at all (disregarding that nasty stuff they wrote about you on that bathroom wall of the billiard hall downtown, of course) So we didn't fail to do something, we simply can't do it.
No.... the..... okay, you want to call your Mom, go ahead.
No, WE are not calling them, YOU will have to call them, but be advised, we aren't going to say anything different to them than we are to you.
No, it's perfectly fine for me to randomly doodle on this scrap paper while explaining this all to you, just because you feel "This is serious!!!!" doesn't mean I have to give you 400% attention, I'm more than capable of listening while drawing a meaningless inward spiral on some blank paper (Metaphorically, it's appropriate as it's describing where you're getting with me pretty well right now.) SO there's no need to chastise me for it.
No, I'm not giving you my full name
No, I don't care if you're going to sue
No, you don't need my name "for the lawyer" if you're going to sue, just have him call me and I'll gladly give it to him.
No, I'm not "telling you (sic) what to do" , you're free to call a lawyer, or not call a lawyer, I'm just telling you you won't be getting my full name since you don't need it and can't legally force me to give it.
I sleep just fine at night
I sleep in my bed, sometimes the couch. Usually that's for if the dog stupidly ate half-dead deer parts dug up in the yard, again, and I have to stay by the front door all night for emergency egress purposes, or else he'll puke all over the place (amazing how much vomit fits in one tiny little stomach, huh?) but, thanks for asking, lots of people seem to be really curious as to my sleep habits, given how often I'm quizzed on them.
I like my job just fine
Yes
Yes, really
Yes, really, really
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes, I do, in fact, like my job.
Yes
Yes
I get paid by the hour, I can keep this up as long as you can afford the lost-wages to keep asking....
And ANOTHER crazy woman is out of my life for good! Whew....
Funny thing, we had the EXACT same issue last semester, someone parked in space #20 at building "A" despite having a permit for the same spot at building "B", and, in both cases, hers and his, it was a car with New Jersey plates that did it, wonder if they're related?
Scary thought. But, that's what happens when you won't let people make left-hand turns across traffic their whole lives, Jersey, they lose the ability to spatially orient themselves correctly. You're just raising a generation of wind-up toys that will blithely walk off countertops and fall to their doom unless I stop them, you probably should care more about that than you do, but what do I know? I'm just the dumb redneck asshole tow truck driver who maybe, just maybe, likes his job, I'm not sure.... Well, at least, if their thinking on display there was any indication, the projected flunk-out date for them is December, and I'll never have to see em' again. At least not here, maybe in a Circus somewhere, but NOT here, NOT on the clock.
I could so use a refresher right now, hey, Barkeep! You still got wood alcohol on tap, right? Make it a double.
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