SC translation

[Lace Neil Singer]

Cuz it's like they speak a different language! Add your own!


SC Version: "I waited ages and no-one helped me!"
Real Version: "I got to the till just one second before a staff member got there, who couldn't help me at first cuz she was helping someone else."


SC Version: "The staff member was rude to me!"
Real Version: "The staff member wouldn't let me have my own way!"

[One-Fang]

SC: "I didn't touch it"
Real: "Maybe what I did broke it, but I don't want you to know it was me. I can never be blamed for ANYthing!!"

[phillippbo]

SC: "But I have to have this working right now for my business/I work from home/etc..."

Real: "But I have this hot online date coming up tonight, and I *must* update my MySpace page, and I'm just so boooooooooored...."

[Crow The Robot]

SC Version: I just bought this last week!!!
Real Version: I bought this 6 years ago on clearance, at a store in Utah.

[Sir Spaniard the 12th]

SC: "This was in the 50% off bin."
Real: "I put this there, so it has to be that price."

[Phone Jockey]

Moron: I've been on hold for 45 minutes!
Reality: I've been waiting for less than a minute & I was forced to listen to your awful commercials & I'm pissed so I'm going to lie! Give me some free stuff because I'm pissed!

Moron: I'm going to "Other" company because your company SUCKS!
Reality: I'm throwing out empty threats so that you'll give me something for free! Give me some free stuff because you told me something I didn't want to hear!

[Dark Psion]

SC: "I didn't touch it"
Real: "Maybe what I did broke it, but I don't want you to know it was me. I can never be blamed for ANYthing!!"

I kicked it, stomped on it, sit on it, drove my car over it, but I did not touch it.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Hot Wheels or action figure collecting geek: Do you have (name of hot wheels car or action figure)? My son wants it for his birthday.
Translation: I want it so I can sell it on eBay for big bucks.

SC: I'm never coming here again!
Translation: I'll be back anyway

SC: The bathrooms are filthy and disgusting!
Translation: There's a couple paper towels on the floor.

SC: I want you to sell me that display crib/changing table/some other piece of infant furniture!
Translation: I'm too lazy to put it together. If it falls apart and my little precious babykins gets hurt, I can always sue you.

SC: I didn't like this food item you sold me! Gimme a refund!
Translation: I am scamming for free food. I ate over half the package before I decided I didn't like it. Burp!

[blas]

SC: I didn't notice this box of crackers was opened, will you get me another?

Real: I opened it for my little brat because he/she wouldn't shut up, so not only is half the box gone, I do not intend to pay one cent for what my child has eaten, because it's the store's responsibility to keep my child happy.


SC: Can you hurry up a bit I'm running really late and I've been standing here for 20 minutes!

Real: I left for work 5 minutes before my shift started, I'm already late, I really actually don't care, I just want an excuse to complain and throw a temper tantrum and go to the front of the line.


SC: I don't have my ID on me/ I left it in the car.

Real: I'm not old enough/I'm stupid and don't ever bring it with me/I'm ignorant and entitled and feel that the rules don't apply to ME.

[NoodleBoy]

SC: (says anything)
Translation: I really only want attention!!!! Pay attention to ME!!! I AM THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE!!! noboday played with me in kindergarten...

[Worker-Intellectual]

SC: "The sign is misleading!"
English: "I'm too stupid to read a sign, therefore I am entitled to a discount"

[South Texan]

SC: I want my money back. This thing was a piece of junk!

TRANSLATIONS: I don't understand the instructions but am ashamed to admit it;

I tried to use it for a purpose it clearly was not marketed nor ever intended to do, and it didn't do the impossible task I wanted;

I did not read nor attempt to follow the directions for how to use it, so I could not get it to work and then I broke it;

I decided I really can't afford this thing, but saying that will make me look poor or cheap, so I am complaining and acting indignant to try to justify me returning it and to save face.

[pbmods]

"I'll sue!" "Oh no, you don't!"

SC: I want you to sell me that display crib/changing table/some other piece of infant furniture!
Translation: I'm too lazy to put it together. If it falls apart and my little precious babykins gets hurt, I can always sue you.

Ooh. I don't take that crap from customers. A customer wanted to buy a DVD lens cleaner (it's basically a CD with little brush bristles mounted on the bottom), and he had the audacity to claim that if this item broke his DVD player, he could hold us responsible.

I gave him a very authoritative look and said, "If this product breaks your DVD player, you can take it up with Maxell because they warranty this product, not us."

That, at least, shut him up. Of course, what I wanted to say was, "Shut up and takes some effing responsibility for your actions. I bet if you knocked something off my shelf, you'd find a way to somehow blame it on us, too."

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

SC "I need the computer fixed yesterday! I can't live without it!"
Real "I'm going out of town and my flight is in three hours. I'll be back in two weeks to pick up my computer. I just want to ensure that you bust your arse and get it done in the next 30 seconds so I'll have the satisfaction of imagining you running around like a madman while I'm sitting in First Class drinking my Champaigne"

SC "Two days to get the part and then another hour to install it? I'll call back then."
Real "I'll call you every half hour when you're open and leave 100 messages on your answering machine when you're closed for the next two and a half days."

SC "I don't know how it happened."
Real "My son was poking around in the computer's innards with a screwdriver when it was still on so he can watch the little sparklies flying everywhere."

SC "I don't know anything about computers."
Real "Actually I'm a smug git who knows everything about everything and I'm going to argue with you and tell you that you're wrong every time you come up with a theory as to what's causing my computer to go tits up."

SC "I have no idea how that porn got on my system."
Real "I'm extremly embarrassed that the virus that infected my system came from all the porn that I downloaded and now I'd assume that every tech in here knows of my fetish for albino lesbian squrrels gone wild."

SC "I understand that you have a policy that states all items not picked within 30 days will be sold."
Real "I'm very cross at you for selling my computer when I didn't pick it up for three months, and will swear on a stack of bibles that I didn't know of the policy...in spite of being told when I dropped off the computer, the large print policy on the job order, the phone calls twice a week since the computer was was finished, or the certified letter with signature required-delivery confirmation at day 70 stating that if I didn't come pick up the computer it was going to be sold. I'm going to call my lawyer on you. You're a mean person."

SC "I know how to set up my new computer, I don't need you to show me how it works."
Real "I'm going to call you over the phone several times over the course of the next few days. I'll try to figure out where a cable goes, get stumped, take advantage of your patient nature, let you explain how to plug in a USB mouse for no less than 20 minutes, thank you and hang up, and then call back in 5 minutes since I can't figure out how to plug in my USB Keyboard since the same style cable on two differrent items confuses my little brain, and start the process all over again."

Mongo

[South Texan]

SC: Waiter, I will make it well worth your while if you give me and my date excellent service tonight.

TRANSLATION: I want you to act like my slave, bring me everything I want immediately, and grovel before me so I can impress my date into thinking I am some hot shot and maybe get laid tonight; but after all your work, I will tip you less than ten percent if anything.