SC translation

[Morrigan]

SC: I bought this milk yesterday and when I opened it it was sour.
Translation: I left this milk in my hot car for several hours yesterday. Gimme a new one.

SC: $3.49? The sign said two for four dollars!
Translation: I know the Scanning Code of Practice and searched all over the store for the one outdated sign your file maintenance people missed pulling on the weekend. Gimme that for free.
Alternate Translation: There was one sign above and one sign below this product, so I read the cheaper sign without checking to see which product it was referring to. Gimme that for free. At the very least, gimme that for the cheaper price because that's all I want to pay.

SC: Are you open?
Translation: I see your sign is up and your light is off, I see you signing out of your lane, but will you ring me through anyway?

[HawaiianShirts]

Customer: I want the BEST computer you've got.
Translation: I want the cheapest computer you've got, and I'll whine that it is more expensive than I wanted to pay.

Customer: I just have a quick question.
Translation: I have one quick question that I will follow-up with as many complicated questions as I can think of and require you to repeat several of them because I won't be paying attention to half of what you tell me.

Customer: I have a friend who is really good with computers. I'll have him help me if I have problems.
Translation: I have a friend who once showed me that I can open the Windows Start Menu by pressing the Window button on my keyboard. I assume he also knows everything else there is to know about computers. When he can't fix it, I'll come in and complain that it is your fault until your manager just gives me a new computer.

Customer: Can I set up this wireless router myself?
Translation: Will it work automatically when I plug it in, or will I actually have to do something to it? And if I do have to do something, I expect you to explain in detail how to do it so I can hold you responsible if it doesn't work, and I will refuse to let a professional do it for me because I'm just stingy like that.

Customer: Are you the only one working?
Translation: I can see that you and the two other guys here are busy with other customers, but I want attention now, and I will complain to your manager if I don't get it now.

Customer: (interrupting while you are on the phone or speaking with someone else) Are you busy?
Translation: Don't pay attention to the other people. Pay attention to ME!

Customer: Do this for me now, or I'll have your job!
Translation: I like making empty threats because it makes me feel important.

[dragonflygrrl]

SC: I want the free phone.
Translation: I don't want to pay for a phone, but if it doesn't have camera, mp3, bluetooth, and a dishwashing attachment I will whine myself hoarse.

SC: My phone won't ring, there's something wrong with it.
Translation: I was playing with the settings and turned off the ringer. Now I'm a) too stupid to figure out how to set it back and b) too lazy to get out the manual.

SC: Your return policy is unfair.
Translation: I didn't read the return policy and assumed I could return my phone at any time of my own choosing.

SC: I will come in later to buy the car charger.
Translation: I will buy the car charger from the cheapest store I can find, then demand a refund from you when it fries my phone.

SC: My children won't text message. I don't need to add a messaging package.
Translation: I will tell my children not to text, but of course they will, and then I will yell at you about how high my bill is while still maintaining that adding a messaging package is a waste of money.

SC: I am a loyal customer, and I think you should give me a new phone for free.
Translation: I have been a customer for almost three months, have been shut off twice for non-payment, and I have lost or broken my phone.

[PuckishOne]

SC: I am a loyal customer, and I think you should give me a new phone for free.
Translation: I have been a customer for almost three months, have been shut off twice for non-payment, and I have lost or broken my phone.

SIC (Sucky Insurance Customer) version of this:

SIC: I've been with your plan for 27,000 years, and you should give me a break on this deductible/claim/premium!!

Translation: I'm the knob who's been calling thrice-weekly since 1982 trying to get someone to give me something for nothing, regardless of whether it's legal or not.

[Ducky]

SC: But my payment is due tomorrow, or I'll get a late charge!

Translation: I'm too damned lazy to send in the payment when I get the bill, so I waited until the last possible minue, and am now pissed off at myself for procrastinating, and finding out that the payment cannot get credited until tomorrow, so I'm going to take it on you until you waive my late charge, or get me to someone who can!

[Discourtesy Clerk]

SC: "Could you please go get _____ for me? Oh, thank you soooo much."
What she means: "I'm gonna send you off to go get a million different things for me that I could have easily gotten myself, and hold up the line for ten minutes while you do so, and if you come back with even one thing that's not what I specifically asked for, I'll raise a big stink, call the manager over, and hold up the line for another twenty minutes."

SC: "Here, let me do this."
What he means: "I'm convinced you can't do your job, so I'm gonna make a point of doing it for you, even though I'll take longer to finish than you would."

[FastFoodFlunky]

SC: All the tables in this dining room are dirty!
Translation: The one table/booth that I am absolutely smitten with has a crumb of bread on it, and I demand it wiped off NOW! Who cares about the rush! My $3.00 spent entitles me to 5-star service!

SC: The bathrooms are atrocious!
Translation: There's one two-inch long piece of toilet paper in the corner, and it needs to be swept NOW!

[obod7x7]

In a video rental store:

SC: "I returned those movies on time!"
Trans: "I didn't listen to you say the due date and I didn't look at the receipt and I assumed myself that they were due on ______, therefore I'm right and you're wrong."

SC: "You guys just never check your outside box!"
Trans: "I know my movies are late, but I won't admit it to a lowly video clerk, therefore it is your fault my movies are late."

SC: "I'm using Netflix from now on!"
Trans: "See you next week."

SC: "This is only in widescreen? That is STUPID!"
Trans: "I find those little black lines on my screen so distracting that I can't watch the movie. Where's my ritalin?" (no offense to those with ADD)

SC: "I need a card to rent? That is STUPID!"
Trans: "You mean I can't take this without giving you any proof of my identity or contact information? But I want to steal this rental!"

[Gas Station Girl]

SC (giving me a scratch-off ticket to validate): Here, I think I won something.
Translation: I did not read the instructions for this scratch-off game, and in fact have no clue whether or not that ticket is a winner. If I keep on insisting that it is a winner, however, you will hopefully just give up and let me have a prize.

SC: This is the last scratch-off ticket I'm going to buy today.
Translation: I already know that I'm going to be spending all of my money on scratch-offs, but I prefer buying them one at a time (and scratching them in the store) because it's more fun that way and it makes me look like less of an addict.

SC: That pump outside is not working.
Translation: I have no idea how to use a gas pump, but I'm too ashamed to ask for help so I'll just blame the equipment. Besides, if I complain enough I might even get free gas.

SC: I'm a really good customer!
Translation: I think I bought a choolate bar here two months ago.

SC: How come I always have to wait so long when I come here?
Translation: I am impatient. Therefore, I am more important than all of the other customers in this store. When I come in, all other customers should move out of the way so that I can be served immediately.

SC: You guys are closed? But I just need _______.
Translation: I waited until ten minutes after midnight to realize that I was out of ____. I want _____ right now, and it cannot possibly wait until the store opens again in six hours. Also, I am too lazy to go to the 24-hour gas station that is only 4 blocks away. And, since all employees obviously love their jobs and live in the store, I don't see why they have to close anyways. They should just let me have ______. And I should get it for free.

[66biscuits]

"never"

This is B******T, I spend $(reality X 10) here every d/w/m/y/whatever and I'm never using your business EVER AGAIN

translation: This hasn't turned out the way I wanted. I might spend some actual money some time soon, and if you guys have a sale after I cool down, I'll be back.

Certainly Sir, that's absolutely your right and perogative to not come back. Sorry.

translation That would be great if you could go away , how about right now. I so don't care

[huckster]

SC: blah blah blah... I need to talk to a manager... now.... blah blah blah..


Translation: If you don't give me what I want, they will because I waill keep bitching until I get what I want.

Manager: blah, blah, blah....whatever shuts them up.....

[TNT]

Caller: I make my living off the internet and this outage could be costing me $10,000!
Reality: According to this email I got, if I sent $5 to each of the people on the list, then hundreds of people will send me $5. It's on the internet, so it must be true and I'm going to be rich.

Caller: The only other person who lives here is my son, and it's totally bizarre to think he'd order a Playboy pay-per-view. He's just a teen-ager and wouldn't be interested in that kind of stuff.
Reality: CSRs are the stupid people on the face of the earth.
Alternate reality: I am the stupidest person on the face of the earth.

[chainedbarista]

yay! obod's cowbell has returned!

one from last night:

cs: my sister bought this earlier (about two hours ago) and it doesn't taste like caramel

translation: even though she noticed this much earlier, we were far too busy to bring it back, what with our inane conversation running wildly, shopping and other selfish frivolity, we couldn't possibly think of interrupting our wild time with a drink return, so i'm doing this now.

i find this funny, since an off taste would have been noticed right away, since the sister has brought them back within minutes/mentioned it at the pick up counter; two hours later, it's 'off.'

*snerk*

[SonOfSpam]

SC: Can I get a 20% discount instead of a 10%?
Translation: I'm going to keep repeating this ad inifnitum until you either call the manager to confirm what I already knew and I leave in a huff/ or I get what I want.

SC: So what are the prices on these rugs again?
Translation: I must be illiterate and partially blind because I haven't noticed the big orange sign with the price in bold face numbers.

SC: Do you have any deals on rugs today?
Translation: I'm such a cheap ass I'll pitch a fit about saving a lousy $3 off a $70 carpet/ or because I think the term "Weekend Public Market" translates to "Haggle Mart".

SC: Can I have this rug near the bottom of the pile?
Translation: I am a serious asshole and derive sick pleasure out of making you move over a hundred small mats so I can have a color that matches the bathroom floor even though my family will probably pee on the mat and walk on it with their dirty bare feet.

SC: Hmmm...I don't like that color now that I see it up close, you can put it back, sorry.
Translation: I'm just begging for a box cutter to the jugular...

SC: So you're saying if I don't like the carpet I can only get store credit when I bring it back? That's not a very good policy.
Translation: I'm too stupid and impatient to wait around and buy a carpet I actually want so I'll fruitlessly bitch at you even though you have no power over when the manufacturer sends more carpets to the store.

[COMINATCHA]

Hahaha, you people are so funny. I have nothing to add, just my laughs.