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The end of my shift this morning was so busy I neglected to email my stuff home. So tis late today.....
According to management, suffering in the heat makes me "wittier". I'm not sure wittier is the word for it.
A Plea to Management
It was 34 degrees in my bedroom yesterday. 34 degrees. If that’s what the rest of the summer is like I may have to ask one of you to either swiftly and mercifully take my life or let me live in the supply closet in the server room till October.
Cultural Divide
Me: "and how is your last name spelled?"
SC: "Its blahblah zee"
Me: "Alright, so xxx zed?"
SC: "Blahblah zee."
Me: "Yes, Blahblah zed."
SC: "Zee! As in Zebra!"
Me: "Yes, Zed, as in Zebra"
My name is Joe, and I am Canadian.
( You may have to be Canadian to get that. )
Expiration
Me: "Ok, and when does it expire?"
SC: "12/Jesus"
…so your Visa expires upon Christ's return to earth? Right, got it.
A Pattern
SCL "Yeah, I'm just at the casino here and I won $100 so I'd thought I'd reinvest it in lottery tickets."
I make no claims to being an expert put I'm pretty sure that’s a sign you, sir, have a problem.
Security
"Ok, the card number is-"
You know I can hear where you are in the background and I would like to pointedly question the wisdom of reading your name and Visa number out loud on the Skytrain. But far be it for me to erect the freshly painted sign of common sense on the winding crossroad of failure you're gleefully skipping down. By all means, continue.
A Simple Request
Me: "Ok, do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Jus a sec, lemme ask someone. HEY DOES ANYONE HAVE A PEN?! F**KING PRICKS!"
I believe you're misunderstanding me. I asked if you had a pen there. Not if you could convince a complete stranger nearby to stab you in the throat with a pen. I can understand how you could get the two mixed up though. They do sound rather alike, don't they?
I Am A Bastard
Round #1:
SC: "Yeah I'm down in the lobby and my keycard doesn't work on my suite anymore."
Me: "Alright, no problem. Let me send the duty manager down there to assist you."
Round #2: ( Approximately 5 minutes later. )
SC: "Yeah its me again! My keycard doesn't work! I'm tired and I have to go to the bathroom!"
The thought that each passing moment you wait is causing you to suffer warms my heart far more then you will ever know. My only regret is I do not have a live feed to the lobby's security camera so I can not bare first hand witness to whatever elaborate pee pee dance you're surely engaged in.
Close Call
SC: "Yeah is anyone coming to fix this leak?"
Me: "We have passed your message to the service guy and he should be calling you shortly."
SC: "Should I call 911?!"
Me: "...…why would you call 911?"
SC: "Because no one is helping me!"
Me: "911 can't assist you with a plumbing problem. Please don't call them."
I can only imagine the tragedy that would have come to pass if I wasn't here to struggle with the wheel of the good ship Halfwit and veer it away from the dark, jagged rocks of stupidity at the last moment. Someone at the 911 call center owes me a cookie.
Dilemma
( This line is JUST for booking hotels...it gives no indication of any other purpose )
Me: "So just make sure to present them with that voucher and that will guarantee the reservation at the hotel."
SC: "Ok, great. Now how do I change my flight times?"
I don't know. How do you successfully dig a weasel on meth out of a Jacuzzi full of margarine while wearing dishwashing gloves? Answer my question and I'll answer yours. Deal?
With Apologies to my America Brethren
Me: "Alright, are you in Canada or the US?"
SC: "No! I'm in the US! <astonished laughter that I would even ask>"
Ah, yes, thank you for laughing at the prospect of living in my country. FYI, we're bigger and we're on top. If this were prison your name would be Lucy.
( Before you kill me, allow me to elaborate on this client. They serve only two provinces, but numerous southern states. I'm required to ask the question even if I know where they're calling from by their accent or area code. It never fails that at least one life long confederate per shift will snap at me for daring to ask if they aren't American. )
( I also know thats not how the line originally went. But I doubt management would like it if I fully explained the prison bitch concept in a shift report.... <cough> )
Pointless
SC: "What's the hotel's address?"
Me: "xxx street name, Las Vegas."
SC: "I wonder where that is…"
Ah, yes, that was a pointless question then. Well, never fear, despite the futility of your inquiry I do in fact have you covered. I'm not positive, of course, but I'm pretty sure its in Nevada.
867
Me: "Good morning, <company name>-"
SC: "Have you been received any items?"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Have you been received any items?"
Me: "Which items are you referring too?"
SC: "I wanted return an item."
New rule: No returns unless you can form a complete sentence. The previous requirement of simply being able to monkey paw your way through dialing a phone number is obviously inadequate. We must raise our standards to keep ahead of the sporadically and only slightly evolving population of Nunavut. We've already forced them to blindly stumble their way through the operation of opposable thumbs. Its time we moved on to the next level.
Evolution is a slow, arduous, whiskey plagued process up there as is. If we do not push them to aim higher, who will?
and thus, my first day hath ended.
According to management, suffering in the heat makes me "wittier". I'm not sure wittier is the word for it.
A Plea to Management
It was 34 degrees in my bedroom yesterday. 34 degrees. If that’s what the rest of the summer is like I may have to ask one of you to either swiftly and mercifully take my life or let me live in the supply closet in the server room till October.
Cultural Divide
Me: "and how is your last name spelled?"
SC: "Its blahblah zee"
Me: "Alright, so xxx zed?"
SC: "Blahblah zee."
Me: "Yes, Blahblah zed."
SC: "Zee! As in Zebra!"
Me: "Yes, Zed, as in Zebra"
My name is Joe, and I am Canadian.
( You may have to be Canadian to get that. )
Expiration
Me: "Ok, and when does it expire?"
SC: "12/Jesus"
…so your Visa expires upon Christ's return to earth? Right, got it.
A Pattern
SCL "Yeah, I'm just at the casino here and I won $100 so I'd thought I'd reinvest it in lottery tickets."
I make no claims to being an expert put I'm pretty sure that’s a sign you, sir, have a problem.
Security
"Ok, the card number is-"
You know I can hear where you are in the background and I would like to pointedly question the wisdom of reading your name and Visa number out loud on the Skytrain. But far be it for me to erect the freshly painted sign of common sense on the winding crossroad of failure you're gleefully skipping down. By all means, continue.
A Simple Request
Me: "Ok, do you have a pen there?"
SC: "Jus a sec, lemme ask someone. HEY DOES ANYONE HAVE A PEN?! F**KING PRICKS!"
I believe you're misunderstanding me. I asked if you had a pen there. Not if you could convince a complete stranger nearby to stab you in the throat with a pen. I can understand how you could get the two mixed up though. They do sound rather alike, don't they?
I Am A Bastard
Round #1:
SC: "Yeah I'm down in the lobby and my keycard doesn't work on my suite anymore."
Me: "Alright, no problem. Let me send the duty manager down there to assist you."
Round #2: ( Approximately 5 minutes later. )
SC: "Yeah its me again! My keycard doesn't work! I'm tired and I have to go to the bathroom!"
The thought that each passing moment you wait is causing you to suffer warms my heart far more then you will ever know. My only regret is I do not have a live feed to the lobby's security camera so I can not bare first hand witness to whatever elaborate pee pee dance you're surely engaged in.
Close Call
SC: "Yeah is anyone coming to fix this leak?"
Me: "We have passed your message to the service guy and he should be calling you shortly."
SC: "Should I call 911?!"
Me: "...…why would you call 911?"
SC: "Because no one is helping me!"
Me: "911 can't assist you with a plumbing problem. Please don't call them."
I can only imagine the tragedy that would have come to pass if I wasn't here to struggle with the wheel of the good ship Halfwit and veer it away from the dark, jagged rocks of stupidity at the last moment. Someone at the 911 call center owes me a cookie.
Dilemma
( This line is JUST for booking hotels...it gives no indication of any other purpose )
Me: "So just make sure to present them with that voucher and that will guarantee the reservation at the hotel."
SC: "Ok, great. Now how do I change my flight times?"
I don't know. How do you successfully dig a weasel on meth out of a Jacuzzi full of margarine while wearing dishwashing gloves? Answer my question and I'll answer yours. Deal?
With Apologies to my America Brethren
Me: "Alright, are you in Canada or the US?"
SC: "No! I'm in the US! <astonished laughter that I would even ask>"
Ah, yes, thank you for laughing at the prospect of living in my country. FYI, we're bigger and we're on top. If this were prison your name would be Lucy.
( Before you kill me, allow me to elaborate on this client. They serve only two provinces, but numerous southern states. I'm required to ask the question even if I know where they're calling from by their accent or area code. It never fails that at least one life long confederate per shift will snap at me for daring to ask if they aren't American. )
( I also know thats not how the line originally went. But I doubt management would like it if I fully explained the prison bitch concept in a shift report.... <cough> )
Pointless
SC: "What's the hotel's address?"
Me: "xxx street name, Las Vegas."
SC: "I wonder where that is…"
Ah, yes, that was a pointless question then. Well, never fear, despite the futility of your inquiry I do in fact have you covered. I'm not positive, of course, but I'm pretty sure its in Nevada.
867
Me: "Good morning, <company name>-"
SC: "Have you been received any items?"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Have you been received any items?"
Me: "Which items are you referring too?"
SC: "I wanted return an item."
New rule: No returns unless you can form a complete sentence. The previous requirement of simply being able to monkey paw your way through dialing a phone number is obviously inadequate. We must raise our standards to keep ahead of the sporadically and only slightly evolving population of Nunavut. We've already forced them to blindly stumble their way through the operation of opposable thumbs. Its time we moved on to the next level.
Evolution is a slow, arduous, whiskey plagued process up there as is. If we do not push them to aim higher, who will?
and thus, my first day hath ended.
Write something down that's completely unrelated to what they were saying. That way when the cops get there, you are not in trouble. And you can prove a point to them how stupid they are to do that, and how easy it would be to commit fraud at that point.
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