Signs You Will Never See Posted In A Business

[autumn_soul]

"While we are admittedly a huge and powerful multinational there are limits to our powers. Therefore, we are in no way responsible for your or anyone else's painfully stupid mentality. We ask you to read the shelf edge label product description as well as the price before you bleat out, usually at the head of the queue that is growing all the time thanks to you, "But it said £1.99 on the shelf!!

In addition, please bear in mind the comment, whether aimed at one of our highly trained and motivated drones or overpaid pinstripe clad supervisors "You need more staff!" is not helpful as we are currently unable/not legally allowed to grab people off the street and brainwash them to our philosophy. If you're that keen to get out alive, sell us your children. It's the school holidays and they could do with a few bucks before going back to uni. We'll give you a healthy discount in exchange for their soul"

[Strikesfirmly]

Good Day

We regret that due to an apparent perceptual difficulty about our practices and honesty there will no longer be in store displays of merchandise.

Likewise employees will also no longer open new product packaging upon request to consult manuals about product features or to display the contents, usually listed on the box exterior or visible through the clear plastic.

We simply can no longer afford to maintain on inventory perfectly good, brand new merchandise that has never left the store but remains unpurchased due to the previously mentioned customer actions resulting in an open package.

Thank you.

[draggar]

I used to have this hanging in my tech room, too bad none of the customers could see it.

You can see the whole series at www.despair.com (I love that site).

[draggar]

Attention Customers

If your bill is too high, it is most likely because of something you did

If we do find out it is our fault, we will gladly credit you the amount and apologize for the inconvenience.
If not, learn some responsibility and pay for your own usage and irresponsibility.

Attention Service Customers

If you do not have insurance, and you have had your phone for several months,
do not complain to us that you are suppose dot have the service plan.
You've gotten your bills and you paid the bills.
Pul out your wallet, pay the service fee, then sign up for the service plan
you cheap bastard.

My sign...

To Our Customers:

Please note that we fully enforce our "No Heelies" policy. Employees and other customers have every right to remove said footwear from offenders in any way they see fit.

Also, unexpected trippings may occur before removal.

.. and the removed "heelies" may be used for demonstration purposes in our chipper-shredder department.

[Nakajo]

this was ACTUALLY posted in the restaurant that I worked in

WELCOME

We'll be more than happy to serve you
once you've finished your conversation on your cell phone.
Thank You.

[Neo_Classic]

^ Awesome! I wish I could post that near my till.

[myswtghst]

Neo--I've been in several stores in recent memory (Marshall's was one) that have signs like that posted above the tills. It makes me happy.

[rerant]

To Our Valued Customers:

The employees at this store are not your verbal punching bags.
We enforce a strict behavioural code on our customers and require that you adhere to the following codes of conduct:

1) Customers will greet employees with a smile
2) Customers will NOT use foul language when speaking to employees
3) Customers will replace all unwanted product back to its proper location
4) Customers will also replace all CARTS to their proper location
5) Heelies are prohibited and the use of such is punishable by intense bitch-slapping
6) Customers are to note that long lines and long wait times are THEIR fault. No customers = no lines. Suck it!
7) No receipt no refund. PERIOD!
8) Customers are to understand that the word of any employee is as good as LAW, no exceptions

[ArenaBoy]

This was an actual sign I saw in a store in downtown Nashville.

"Keep an eye on your kids, they're expensive."

[GoldFinch]

ATTENTION CUSTOMERS!

If you did not bother to read the sign with all the necessary information posted by the door then you are:

A: An idiot
B: In danger of pissing off an already irritated employee whose had to deal with about 5 million idiots like you already
C: About to waste your own time asking dumb questions when you could've spent the time look for whatever crappy movie you're hoping to find in the scant collection we have left

Now please do an abrupt about face outside the door and read the damn sign if you wish to get helped in a relatively friendly manner.

I wish I could post a sign like this!

[Nakajo]

5) Heelies are prohibited and the use of such is punishable by intense bitch-slapping

HAHAHAH, a kid on heelies today was carrying two slices of pizza by the membership desk and he wiped out completely. Ruined his food and his dad started yelling at him, and my sup found it hilarious. We're technically not allowed to ban heelies in the store (corporate rules), unless there's a major incident, and there hasn't been one yet.

[NightAngel]

When I was growing up my Grandma owned a bookstore. There was a sign on the wall that said:

All our customers make us happy! Some by coming- others by going!
It had a little cartoon of a couple walking up to a store with an employee smiling and waving at them on the "coming" side.
On the "going" side the same couple was leaving the store looking really pissed off with the same employee smiling and waving at them.

[marlovino]

HAHAHAH, a kid on heelies today was carrying two slices of pizza by the membership desk and he wiped out completely. Ruined his food and his dad started yelling at him, and my sup found it hilarious. We're technically not allowed to ban heelies in the store (corporate rules), unless there's a major incident, and there hasn't been one yet.

Please tell me when the kid wiped out he did a face plant into the pizza?

[Nakajo]

Please tell me when the kid wiped out he did a face plant into the pizza?

No.

But he ruined his pizza and landed on his butt pretty hard. We have concrete floors.

If he got really hurt though, it wouldn't had been funny.

[Ciarrai]

Attention Customers:

Cosmeticians are here to make you look and smell good. Consequently, please treat them with the respect they deserve. Please follow these simple rules:

a) Cosmeticians are not dogs and therefore do not respond to whistles or finger snaps. If you need assistance, please ask nicely. We will be happy to help you.
b) Cosmeticians reserve the right to stab customers in the eye with a mascara wand if they do not folow common courtesy rules.
c) Cosmeticians are not there for your viewing pleasure. Yes, we wear makeup and pretty smelling perfumes, but that does not mean you can walk up behind us and smell our necks. We tend to get violent when that happens.
d) Do not touch our toolbelts. Those are our makeup brushes for use on customers. Customers are not allowed to use these brushes.