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My brain to mouth filter failed for a split second tonight...audio added ( At the bottom )! Thank you Raps. ^^
Cobraaa~!
SC: "Tonight there's no heat in the water. In the sink in the kitchen. I let it run for like 5 minutes and its still cold."
Me: "Ok, do you need someone sent out tonight to fix it or?"
SC: "No, I'm just wondering like, they got this new heater I guess….its called a…….hello?"
Me: "Yes?"
SC: "They got this new heater a while back. So it doesn't work."
Me: "Alright, well I'm the emergency service for <plumbing/heating company>, so if you need someone tonight I can send someone."
SC: "But what does that sound like?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm only an operator myself. I'm not a plumber."
SC: "Ok…so what do you think?"
Me: "I'm not sure, I'm not a plumber. I'm their afterhours operator."
SC: "Well I'm just somebody that pays rent and has cold water coming out of the hot water tap! I've experienced nothing but problems in this apartment I'm living in!!!"
Me: "…..ok, we're a plumbing company. We're not your property management company."
SC: "So is that who you think I should be phoning?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "The property management?"
Me: "Yes, you should try whomever manages your building. Like I said we're a plumbing company."
SC: "Ok but….um…..so you'd like be telling the same thing to the property management company if they called you? You'd say the same comments back to them as you did to me?!"
Me: "…….er…..what?"
SC: "<click>"
….ok, but…..wha….the……who the hell do you think I am anyway? This may come as news to you but I did not design, plan nor construct the building you currently make your festering little corn beef hovel in. To be exact I was around 6-7 years old when it was being built. Trust me when I say multi-unit residential construction was pretty low on my list back then. In fact aside from GI Joe and Ninja Turtles there wasn't really much room for anything else on my list back then. So unless talking mutant turtles live in the basement or your building was a front for a Cobra, I highly doubt I would have had even the most remote of interest in it. Hell, unless your building has talking mutant turtles in the basement or is a front for Cobra, I don't really give a flying fark now either.
Pokedex
SC: "What's the hotel name again?"
Me: "It's the <hotel>"
SC: "Yeah, but what's the hotel name?"
Me: "…the <hotel>."
SC: "…oh"
Wait, what's that? Did you hear an echo? Oh, no, no, sorry, its just the sound of my raw hatred cocooning itself in the back of my mind so it can evolve into its next stage of evolution. One day, I hope, it'll grow too big for my skull. I'll be stuck with some dumbass in front of me in line at 7/11 and it'll just burst out of my forehead and launch itself at the guy's face. As I lay on the floor, bleeding to death, the sweet serenade of it trying to pull your tongue out through your eye socket will accompany me to next world.
SKREEEE~@#
If I Could Punch You in the Groin Over the Phone I Would.
Alright, so I get a call from the Vancouver PD on one of our legal aid/lawyer's offices. They've picked up some carpetlicker on a DUI and now he wants to talk to his lawyer. So I call his lawyer, and his wife tells me he's out of town. So I call the lawyer's two associates, no answer ( Cus its 5 in the morning on a Sunday, they're asleep. ). I left messages on both lawyers pagers to call the lock up for this guy when they get up. I explain the situation to the Officer, he says alright, we go about our merry ways.
3 minutes later....
The officer calls back and informs me that Nubjit the Unsober doesn't believe him that they couldn't get a hold of his lawyer on 5am on a Sunday morning. The officer ( I pity him. ) asked me if I could talk to the guy and tell him since he doesn't believe the cops. I say sure, unleash the shitbeast, I have nothing better to do.
The first thing this guy tells me, word for word:
SC: "I only had a couple of beers and they're charging me with DUI! I mean its….like its unfair! "
So you were driving drunk, thus endangering yourself and everyone on or near the road, and you think its "unfair" that the cops arrested you? Wow, if you're going to use that as a defense in court, let me know. I want to come watch. Are you allowed to bring popcorn into the gallery? No? Damn. Well, do you think they'd mind if I brought a sign or an airhorn or something? Maybe come half naked with a couple friends with "A-S-S-H-A-T" painted on our stomachs? Whenever you go to testify will cheer you on with a rousing chorus of "ASS-HAT! ASS-HAT! ASS-HAT!" while we jiggle our bellies and try to get the rest of the gallery in on it. We'll make sure to pass out tiny flags to the rest of the crowd and offer free face painting for kids.
SC: "I like...don't agree!"
Oh thats a good one too. If I could safely ignore every law I didn't agree with you'd be ass naked, bent over a guard rail with a feverish donkey astride you drilling for oil. With your face turned towards oncoming traffic.
SC: "What do you mean he's out of town? How can he be out of town?"
Me: "He's on vacation at the moment. I tried contacted his associates but neither of them are awake yet. I've paged both of them to call you as soon as they can."
SC: "But did you leave a message for <guy out of town>"
Me: "No, he's on vacation."
SC: "Yeah but did you leave a message for him?"
Me: "No, he's out of town."
SC: "But did you leave a message?"
Me: "No. He's. Out. Of. Town."
SC: "Where is he?"
Me: "I don't know."
SC: "Do you have his cell number?"
Me: "His numbers are confidential."
SC: "What the hell? WHere is he? What about <insert lawyer I've never heard of>"
Me: "I have no contacts for <that lawyer>, so I can't get a hold of him <he's not even on the staff list..>"
SC: "So can you get a hold of him?"
Me: "No. I have no way of contacting him. He is not on my staff list."
( Now take this conversation and copy and paste it over and over for, I swear to farkin God, 10 minutes and 53 seconds according to the call duration. )
SC: "But where is he?!"
Me: "I. Don't. Know. He's out of town. I am only they're afterhours desk. I do NOT know where they are. I do not know what they are doing right now. I do not know when they will pick up the messages and I do not know when they will call you back there."
( Repeat that three times till he finally f**ks off. )
My respect for the Vancouver PD has gone up threefold. I'd have beaten you like Colonel Sanders at a PETA rally and left you to rot in the cell till you A) sobered up and B) Regained consciousness.
All Systems are Go
SC: "Yeah can I get a cab too-"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "Really?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "I have the wrong number?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "This isn't a cab?"
Me: "No."
Do you have some sort of 3 Stage Fuckwit Failsafe System that prevents you from ever being perceived as a remotely intelligent human being? Because you can rest assured its working.
In Mother Russia, HOTEL BOOKS YOU.
SC: "79$?! That's another $100 with tax."
God damn, that’s some hella sales tax. Where the heck are you? Did the Soviet Union just collapse?
More fun with the Vancouver PD
Officer: "Can you get him to call acting Sgt…….I've forgotten his name. Well, damn."
Perhaps he was just erased from the time space continuum in a fluke paradox. Perhaps in the future we have already devised time travel and agents from the future are currently infiltrating the past for historical perhaps. Perhaps Agent Smith made a slight miscalculation and materialized in 1982 right on the hood of Sgt Whatshisname's parents car right before they were about to catalogue each other's Pokemon. Thus garnering his mom enough time to sober up and realize what she almost slept with.
Or maybe you just really sucked at Guess Who as a kid. ( Game piece's do not actually talk. )
Poultry Theft
As I was walking home this morning, along Granville ( That street is cursed ) I noticed a sort of doughy looking middle aged man stopped in front of me near the Skytrain entrance. He's staring in the window into the mall. So I look in the window as I walk by.....
....and theeeereee's a huge 10 foot banner of a massive black man in his underwear with his groin thrust forward and by God it looked like he was smuggling a cornish game hen.
Needless to say I walked around that guy at a goodly distance.
Train of Fools
I thought I was safe when I got on the train tonight...it was quiet...there were only two people across from me and they were being relatively quiet.....but alas, it was not to be.
At the first stop the girl across from me when "OMIGWAD THERE'S SUCH AND SUCH. OH AND SUCH AND SUCH IS WITH THEM". Then, as if on cue, some girl outside the train threw herself up against the window like a loach. The doors open, and 6 loud, drunken fools pile in. Turns out they're ALL friends of the 2 people that were across from me. They begin to have a loud, obnoxious conversation with highpoints like:
"Dude, you look hung over, you ok?"
"Nah, I'm just drunk."
I hunker down for what will be a painful ride......then we got to the next station. Once again the same girl ( What is she, Queen of the Monkey People? ) looks out the window and again goes "OMIGAWD THERE' SSUCH AND SUCH!#".
Wtf? Even I know you can't have this many people in the party. The rest have to wait on the airship.
So another pack of complete idiots piles on and they're all friends of the first pack of idiots. There are no 16, 16 of these slathering yiplings crammed into one end of the skytrain with me.
But that wasn't the best part. The best part was one of them had her 5 year old daughter with her ( #17 ). Cus thats where a 5 year old should be at 11 pm on a Friday night: Out with mommy's 15 loud, drunk, swearing with every other word friends and on their way downtown to drink more. ( WTF woman. Hire a babysitter or stay home. Make sure you tie your legs together to avoid confounding the problem in the future. )
The vagina needs to come with a child proof cap like Tylenol. If niether of you can figure out how to open it ( Push and turn? ) you aren't getting any relief.
Added: Audio Clip! For one brief second my brain to mouth filter failed...
*MOD EDIT - Warning...strong language
http://www.customerssuck.com/media/g...eper/whyes.mp3
Thank god for days off.. -.-
Cobraaa~!
SC: "Tonight there's no heat in the water. In the sink in the kitchen. I let it run for like 5 minutes and its still cold."
Me: "Ok, do you need someone sent out tonight to fix it or?"
SC: "No, I'm just wondering like, they got this new heater I guess….its called a…….hello?"
Me: "Yes?"
SC: "They got this new heater a while back. So it doesn't work."
Me: "Alright, well I'm the emergency service for <plumbing/heating company>, so if you need someone tonight I can send someone."
SC: "But what does that sound like?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm only an operator myself. I'm not a plumber."
SC: "Ok…so what do you think?"
Me: "I'm not sure, I'm not a plumber. I'm their afterhours operator."
SC: "Well I'm just somebody that pays rent and has cold water coming out of the hot water tap! I've experienced nothing but problems in this apartment I'm living in!!!"
Me: "…..ok, we're a plumbing company. We're not your property management company."
SC: "So is that who you think I should be phoning?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "The property management?"
Me: "Yes, you should try whomever manages your building. Like I said we're a plumbing company."
SC: "Ok but….um…..so you'd like be telling the same thing to the property management company if they called you? You'd say the same comments back to them as you did to me?!"
Me: "…….er…..what?"
SC: "<click>"
….ok, but…..wha….the……who the hell do you think I am anyway? This may come as news to you but I did not design, plan nor construct the building you currently make your festering little corn beef hovel in. To be exact I was around 6-7 years old when it was being built. Trust me when I say multi-unit residential construction was pretty low on my list back then. In fact aside from GI Joe and Ninja Turtles there wasn't really much room for anything else on my list back then. So unless talking mutant turtles live in the basement or your building was a front for a Cobra, I highly doubt I would have had even the most remote of interest in it. Hell, unless your building has talking mutant turtles in the basement or is a front for Cobra, I don't really give a flying fark now either.
Pokedex
SC: "What's the hotel name again?"
Me: "It's the <hotel>"
SC: "Yeah, but what's the hotel name?"
Me: "…the <hotel>."
SC: "…oh"
Wait, what's that? Did you hear an echo? Oh, no, no, sorry, its just the sound of my raw hatred cocooning itself in the back of my mind so it can evolve into its next stage of evolution. One day, I hope, it'll grow too big for my skull. I'll be stuck with some dumbass in front of me in line at 7/11 and it'll just burst out of my forehead and launch itself at the guy's face. As I lay on the floor, bleeding to death, the sweet serenade of it trying to pull your tongue out through your eye socket will accompany me to next world.
SKREEEE~@#
If I Could Punch You in the Groin Over the Phone I Would.
Alright, so I get a call from the Vancouver PD on one of our legal aid/lawyer's offices. They've picked up some carpetlicker on a DUI and now he wants to talk to his lawyer. So I call his lawyer, and his wife tells me he's out of town. So I call the lawyer's two associates, no answer ( Cus its 5 in the morning on a Sunday, they're asleep. ). I left messages on both lawyers pagers to call the lock up for this guy when they get up. I explain the situation to the Officer, he says alright, we go about our merry ways.
3 minutes later....
The officer calls back and informs me that Nubjit the Unsober doesn't believe him that they couldn't get a hold of his lawyer on 5am on a Sunday morning. The officer ( I pity him. ) asked me if I could talk to the guy and tell him since he doesn't believe the cops. I say sure, unleash the shitbeast, I have nothing better to do.
The first thing this guy tells me, word for word:
SC: "I only had a couple of beers and they're charging me with DUI! I mean its….like its unfair! "
So you were driving drunk, thus endangering yourself and everyone on or near the road, and you think its "unfair" that the cops arrested you? Wow, if you're going to use that as a defense in court, let me know. I want to come watch. Are you allowed to bring popcorn into the gallery? No? Damn. Well, do you think they'd mind if I brought a sign or an airhorn or something? Maybe come half naked with a couple friends with "A-S-S-H-A-T" painted on our stomachs? Whenever you go to testify will cheer you on with a rousing chorus of "ASS-HAT! ASS-HAT! ASS-HAT!" while we jiggle our bellies and try to get the rest of the gallery in on it. We'll make sure to pass out tiny flags to the rest of the crowd and offer free face painting for kids.
SC: "I like...don't agree!"
Oh thats a good one too. If I could safely ignore every law I didn't agree with you'd be ass naked, bent over a guard rail with a feverish donkey astride you drilling for oil. With your face turned towards oncoming traffic.
SC: "What do you mean he's out of town? How can he be out of town?"
Me: "He's on vacation at the moment. I tried contacted his associates but neither of them are awake yet. I've paged both of them to call you as soon as they can."
SC: "But did you leave a message for <guy out of town>"
Me: "No, he's on vacation."
SC: "Yeah but did you leave a message for him?"
Me: "No, he's out of town."
SC: "But did you leave a message?"
Me: "No. He's. Out. Of. Town."
SC: "Where is he?"
Me: "I don't know."
SC: "Do you have his cell number?"
Me: "His numbers are confidential."
SC: "What the hell? WHere is he? What about <insert lawyer I've never heard of>"
Me: "I have no contacts for <that lawyer>, so I can't get a hold of him <he's not even on the staff list..>"
SC: "So can you get a hold of him?"
Me: "No. I have no way of contacting him. He is not on my staff list."
( Now take this conversation and copy and paste it over and over for, I swear to farkin God, 10 minutes and 53 seconds according to the call duration. )
SC: "But where is he?!"
Me: "I. Don't. Know. He's out of town. I am only they're afterhours desk. I do NOT know where they are. I do not know what they are doing right now. I do not know when they will pick up the messages and I do not know when they will call you back there."
( Repeat that three times till he finally f**ks off. )
My respect for the Vancouver PD has gone up threefold. I'd have beaten you like Colonel Sanders at a PETA rally and left you to rot in the cell till you A) sobered up and B) Regained consciousness.
All Systems are Go
SC: "Yeah can I get a cab too-"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "Really?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "I have the wrong number?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "This isn't a cab?"
Me: "No."
Do you have some sort of 3 Stage Fuckwit Failsafe System that prevents you from ever being perceived as a remotely intelligent human being? Because you can rest assured its working.
In Mother Russia, HOTEL BOOKS YOU.
SC: "79$?! That's another $100 with tax."
God damn, that’s some hella sales tax. Where the heck are you? Did the Soviet Union just collapse?
More fun with the Vancouver PD
Officer: "Can you get him to call acting Sgt…….I've forgotten his name. Well, damn."
Perhaps he was just erased from the time space continuum in a fluke paradox. Perhaps in the future we have already devised time travel and agents from the future are currently infiltrating the past for historical perhaps. Perhaps Agent Smith made a slight miscalculation and materialized in 1982 right on the hood of Sgt Whatshisname's parents car right before they were about to catalogue each other's Pokemon. Thus garnering his mom enough time to sober up and realize what she almost slept with.
Or maybe you just really sucked at Guess Who as a kid. ( Game piece's do not actually talk. )
Poultry Theft
As I was walking home this morning, along Granville ( That street is cursed ) I noticed a sort of doughy looking middle aged man stopped in front of me near the Skytrain entrance. He's staring in the window into the mall. So I look in the window as I walk by.....
....and theeeereee's a huge 10 foot banner of a massive black man in his underwear with his groin thrust forward and by God it looked like he was smuggling a cornish game hen.
Needless to say I walked around that guy at a goodly distance.
Train of Fools
I thought I was safe when I got on the train tonight...it was quiet...there were only two people across from me and they were being relatively quiet.....but alas, it was not to be.
At the first stop the girl across from me when "OMIGWAD THERE'S SUCH AND SUCH. OH AND SUCH AND SUCH IS WITH THEM". Then, as if on cue, some girl outside the train threw herself up against the window like a loach. The doors open, and 6 loud, drunken fools pile in. Turns out they're ALL friends of the 2 people that were across from me. They begin to have a loud, obnoxious conversation with highpoints like:
"Dude, you look hung over, you ok?"
"Nah, I'm just drunk."
I hunker down for what will be a painful ride......then we got to the next station. Once again the same girl ( What is she, Queen of the Monkey People? ) looks out the window and again goes "OMIGAWD THERE' SSUCH AND SUCH!#".
Wtf? Even I know you can't have this many people in the party. The rest have to wait on the airship.
So another pack of complete idiots piles on and they're all friends of the first pack of idiots. There are no 16, 16 of these slathering yiplings crammed into one end of the skytrain with me.
But that wasn't the best part. The best part was one of them had her 5 year old daughter with her ( #17 ). Cus thats where a 5 year old should be at 11 pm on a Friday night: Out with mommy's 15 loud, drunk, swearing with every other word friends and on their way downtown to drink more. ( WTF woman. Hire a babysitter or stay home. Make sure you tie your legs together to avoid confounding the problem in the future. )
The vagina needs to come with a child proof cap like Tylenol. If niether of you can figure out how to open it ( Push and turn? ) you aren't getting any relief.
Added: Audio Clip! For one brief second my brain to mouth filter failed...
*MOD EDIT - Warning...strong language
http://www.customerssuck.com/media/g...eper/whyes.mp3
Thank god for days off.. -.-
Oh, dear. The mental images that conjured up...
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