Tweet
Monday’s calls weren’t anything special. We weren’t extremely busy but there were nuggets of entertainment to be found. And it seems like everyone I talked to was trying to pull some scam or just outright lying to me. Anyway, yeah. I know it's Friday and I'm just getting to this. We got a puppy (Dachshund) and playing with him has taken up a lot of free time. It's easy to forget about the gaggle of idiots I deal with every day, such as these jerktards.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Queen of Mean
PWND
SM: Your contract says you have coverage everywhere!
ME: Actually, if you look at the Terms and Conditions of service, under article X, section Y, you’ll see it states that coverage is limited to availability and that we cannot guarantee service in all areas.
Sorry, Guido, but when you want to call the Don from a cornfield to let him know the “business” is taken care of, you’re on your own. Maybe you should find somewhere a little closer to civilization to dispose of wise guys.
Stupid Move On My Part
SW: Yeah, I have this letter to get X phone for free with a 2 year contract.
ME: Great. I’m glad to see you got the offer that was sent to you.
SW: Okay, well, I had already bought X phone before I got this notice.
ME: I’m sorry, but the letter was sent before you upgraded.
SW: Can I still get it anyway?
ME: Yes, even though you just upgraded we can get you another one for free. Then you’d have a backup if you needed it. (Oh damn…)
SW: Well… WHY WOULD I WANT ANOTHER ONE? Why don’t you just credit me back for what I paid for this phone?
ME
: I’m sorry, but you purchased the phone back at the beginning of July and the return period has passed. When did you receive the offer?
SW: About a week later.
ME: You… you got it a week after you upgraded?
SW: Yes.
ME: Okay, so you were within the return period when you got the offer. And you didn’t call us then?
SW: No.
ME: But you’re calling now?
SW: Yes.
ME: 2 months later?
SW: That’s right.
Well, even though I walked right into that one, you defeated yourself by the power of your own stupidity. My anger at myself quickly faded when I realized who I was dealing with. I didn’t even have to lift a finger. You aren’t more clever than I, only more clever than yourself.
Hostage Situation
SM: Well, I’m under contract so there’s nothing I can do. You are holding me hostage.
I really hate it when people use this one. I didn’t hold a gun to your head when you begged and pleaded for whatever plan or phone came along with the contract. Trust me, if I held a gun to your head, there would be no contract. Only a satisfying “BLAM!” and flying chunks of skull and brain matter. We’re more like the mob. You want something from us, we ask for something in return. You want to back out on your end, fine. But you’ll pay the price. If I could send you a severed horse’s head instead of a termination charge I would.
Revelation
SM: I feel like a fool.
And rightly so. You allegedly called in to cancel this line 4 years ago, have been billed for it, been paying the bill, and only just now realized it didn’t cancel and now want me to credit you for several years worth of your own stupidity because you don’t check the bill you’re paying every single month?
Shut Up, Randy
Bonus Points for Ref
SW: I don’t get signal. I swear to God I don’t.
Thanks to the trailer trash accent, you sound like a female Donnie Baker. That would almost be impressive if you weren’t such a bitch the entire call. I'd say it right to your face, I swear to God I would. Maybe you can afford to pay your termination fee after you sell that boat. If I have any customers that need one, I’ll have them call your pager. I gotta go.
Walking Contradiction
SM: I don’t plan on going to any other company, ever. I am very loyal customer.
ME: Then you shouldn’t mind the contract for this promotion.
SM: Yes. But I like to keep my options in case someone else comes out with a better deal.
Yeah, uh…. That’s a pretty shaky idea of “loyalty” there, buddy. I’d be taken by your impressive negotiating skills if my diet consisted of paint chips and rat poison. Fortunately, I am immune to your tempting powers of persuasion.
”Almost” Isn’t Good Enough
Summary: Customer ordered an exchange under warranty. Then she wound up in the hospital and couldn’t send the defective phone back. This is required to avoid a “restocking fee” from us for not sending back the old phone. That's why we call it an exchange. To be fair, at first I was sympathetic to her plight. But something didn't add up...
ME: I'm sorry, when did you say you were in the hospital? Because you received the phone on 07/03 and have been using it ever since.
SW: About a week after that.
ME: Okay. And when did you get out the first time?
SW: I don't know. A few days.
ME: And what about the second time. Because you do have 7 days to return the defective phone without being charged (technically you have 30 days, but if we tell people that they won't send the defective phone back til the last minute, then they'd probably get charged anyway).
SW: I just got out today. This is the first cal that I am making because I got the bill for so high!
ME: And that's what I'm trying to help you with. So you were in the hospital for a few days, then you went back in and were released today. And when was it that you were admitted the second time?
SW: I almost died! I had the Kidney stones!
ME: But when did you get admitted the second time?
SW: My husband took me in. They just released me.
ME: And was your husband taking care of your bills and other affairs when you were in the hospital?
SW: No. I have no one.
ME: But-
SW: You need to take this charge off my bill! I almost died! Don't you understand that? I almost died!
ME: But when did you get admitted to the hospital the second time? Because I see you had quite a bit of minute usage all throughout the last 2 months since you got the replacement phone.
SW: I will cancel my service when my contract is up. I will tell everyone I see how terrible you are! You don't care about me at all. Don't you understand I almost died?
ME: I understand that. And I'm glad you are okay now (LIE). So I'm trying to help you here but I need a little more information than what you've given me.
SW: I almost died!
Yeah, I know. You keep saying that. If you want my opinion, you didn't try hard enough. I know people who've had Kidney stones. I know they feel like they're dying when they have to pass the things. But none of them were ever hospitalized for it (one coworker had one large enough to necessitate being removed, but it was an in-office procedure), and it doesn't explain the 2 month lapse from when you got the phone and then supposedly in and out of the hospital for a couple of days, to today when you were released again.
The answer, as always, is "no." Good day.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Queen of Mean
PWND
SM: Your contract says you have coverage everywhere!
ME: Actually, if you look at the Terms and Conditions of service, under article X, section Y, you’ll see it states that coverage is limited to availability and that we cannot guarantee service in all areas.
Sorry, Guido, but when you want to call the Don from a cornfield to let him know the “business” is taken care of, you’re on your own. Maybe you should find somewhere a little closer to civilization to dispose of wise guys.
Stupid Move On My Part
SW: Yeah, I have this letter to get X phone for free with a 2 year contract.
ME: Great. I’m glad to see you got the offer that was sent to you.
SW: Okay, well, I had already bought X phone before I got this notice.
ME: I’m sorry, but the letter was sent before you upgraded.
SW: Can I still get it anyway?
ME: Yes, even though you just upgraded we can get you another one for free. Then you’d have a backup if you needed it. (Oh damn…)
SW: Well… WHY WOULD I WANT ANOTHER ONE? Why don’t you just credit me back for what I paid for this phone?
ME
: I’m sorry, but you purchased the phone back at the beginning of July and the return period has passed. When did you receive the offer?SW: About a week later.
ME: You… you got it a week after you upgraded?
SW: Yes.
ME: Okay, so you were within the return period when you got the offer. And you didn’t call us then?
SW: No.
ME: But you’re calling now?
SW: Yes.
ME: 2 months later?
SW: That’s right.
Well, even though I walked right into that one, you defeated yourself by the power of your own stupidity. My anger at myself quickly faded when I realized who I was dealing with. I didn’t even have to lift a finger. You aren’t more clever than I, only more clever than yourself.
Hostage Situation
SM: Well, I’m under contract so there’s nothing I can do. You are holding me hostage.
I really hate it when people use this one. I didn’t hold a gun to your head when you begged and pleaded for whatever plan or phone came along with the contract. Trust me, if I held a gun to your head, there would be no contract. Only a satisfying “BLAM!” and flying chunks of skull and brain matter. We’re more like the mob. You want something from us, we ask for something in return. You want to back out on your end, fine. But you’ll pay the price. If I could send you a severed horse’s head instead of a termination charge I would.
Revelation
SM: I feel like a fool.
And rightly so. You allegedly called in to cancel this line 4 years ago, have been billed for it, been paying the bill, and only just now realized it didn’t cancel and now want me to credit you for several years worth of your own stupidity because you don’t check the bill you’re paying every single month?
Shut Up, Randy
Bonus Points for Ref
SW: I don’t get signal. I swear to God I don’t.
Thanks to the trailer trash accent, you sound like a female Donnie Baker. That would almost be impressive if you weren’t such a bitch the entire call. I'd say it right to your face, I swear to God I would. Maybe you can afford to pay your termination fee after you sell that boat. If I have any customers that need one, I’ll have them call your pager. I gotta go.
Walking Contradiction
SM: I don’t plan on going to any other company, ever. I am very loyal customer.
ME: Then you shouldn’t mind the contract for this promotion.
SM: Yes. But I like to keep my options in case someone else comes out with a better deal.
Yeah, uh…. That’s a pretty shaky idea of “loyalty” there, buddy. I’d be taken by your impressive negotiating skills if my diet consisted of paint chips and rat poison. Fortunately, I am immune to your tempting powers of persuasion.
”Almost” Isn’t Good Enough
Summary: Customer ordered an exchange under warranty. Then she wound up in the hospital and couldn’t send the defective phone back. This is required to avoid a “restocking fee” from us for not sending back the old phone. That's why we call it an exchange. To be fair, at first I was sympathetic to her plight. But something didn't add up...
ME: I'm sorry, when did you say you were in the hospital? Because you received the phone on 07/03 and have been using it ever since.
SW: About a week after that.
ME: Okay. And when did you get out the first time?
SW: I don't know. A few days.
ME: And what about the second time. Because you do have 7 days to return the defective phone without being charged (technically you have 30 days, but if we tell people that they won't send the defective phone back til the last minute, then they'd probably get charged anyway).
SW: I just got out today. This is the first cal that I am making because I got the bill for so high!
ME: And that's what I'm trying to help you with. So you were in the hospital for a few days, then you went back in and were released today. And when was it that you were admitted the second time?
SW: I almost died! I had the Kidney stones!
ME: But when did you get admitted the second time?
SW: My husband took me in. They just released me.
ME: And was your husband taking care of your bills and other affairs when you were in the hospital?
SW: No. I have no one.
ME: But-
SW: You need to take this charge off my bill! I almost died! Don't you understand that? I almost died!
ME: But when did you get admitted to the hospital the second time? Because I see you had quite a bit of minute usage all throughout the last 2 months since you got the replacement phone.
SW: I will cancel my service when my contract is up. I will tell everyone I see how terrible you are! You don't care about me at all. Don't you understand I almost died?
ME: I understand that. And I'm glad you are okay now (LIE). So I'm trying to help you here but I need a little more information than what you've given me.
SW: I almost died!
Yeah, I know. You keep saying that. If you want my opinion, you didn't try hard enough. I know people who've had Kidney stones. I know they feel like they're dying when they have to pass the things. But none of them were ever hospitalized for it (one coworker had one large enough to necessitate being removed, but it was an in-office procedure), and it doesn't explain the 2 month lapse from when you got the phone and then supposedly in and out of the hospital for a couple of days, to today when you were released again.
The answer, as always, is "no." Good day.
Comment