Wherein I Seeth with Rage

[Gravekeeper]

Yes, yes, I'm alive. ;p




Random Commentary

Me: "Alright, I'll let the supervisor know."
SC: "I have a cat."
Me: "..ok."

Congratulations! I've heard tell of such rare, mythical beasts before. Apparently you can actually PURCHASE these odysseys of nature at something called a "pet store". Where they will trade you the live beast in return for many shiny coin. But even more perplexing are the legends of people that will just GIVE them too you for reading some sort of witchcraft ritual called the "classifieds" in a tome known only as the "newspaper". They just GIVE them too you! As many of them as you want! You can just go to their house and they'll happily hand over an entire squirming furry bushel of them!

I'm going to get like 5 and name them all after Power Rangers. ( The Green Ranger's my favourite. He was dreamy~ )



A New Dimension of Redneck

SC: "ya, eh dis maginaree peecee?"
Me: "…I'm sorry?"
SC: "Dis maginaree peecee?"
Me: "….pardon? Who are you looking for?"
SC: "Dis no maginaree peecee?"
Me: "No…sorry."

Imaginary PC? Margerine Peace? ( Baconated Grapefruit? ) There's definitely some sort of language barrier going on here and I'll be damned if it doesn't have a moat with alligators. While I applaud you for attempting to communicate with me in my native tongue, your efforts are cumbersome and futile. Sadly I don't speak….whatever the hell it is you speak either. Wookie, I guess.

If only one of us owned a questionably effeminate robot with poor upper body articulation we wouldn't have this problem.



..ew
( This woman was old enough to remember getting her mail by pony. )

SC: "They cut down the tree out back. I'm traumatized! I'm NAKED! Exposed! I live in a fishbowl!"

Thank you for that mental image. That's like picturing my grandmother writhing naked up against a pane of glass. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go try and find a fork or knife or something in the break room. I'm going to get that image out of my head one way or another. I may wake up in the ER with a grade 3 reading level, but at least I won't remember anything about tonight.



867

Me: "Alright, your total comes to $xxx"
SC: "That sounds raisona…reasanba, reasonadable..um..."

Easy there skippy, that's three syllables more then you're use to dealing with. Don't strain yourself. Baby steps, baby steps. A simple "Yep" or "Yeah" or even an awkward but affirmative sounding ape like grunt will suffice. Heck, tap once for yes, twice for no. You should be able to muster at least that much coordination without endangering yourself.



Not Again...

Me: "Good evening, <insurance company emergency line>"
SC: "mernfakjhsgl?"
Me: "I'm sorry?"
SC: "Umhemhmasurance."
Me: "….pardon?"
SC: "HeAMFkakgassgk….ajfwighghawr howse surance."
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't quite understand."
SC: "Hfahfaoghdgdjghg3l howse surance?"
Me: "You're looking for house insurance?"
SC: "ajafj;kaghj merrfberrydelaware!~"

Before placing a call please ensure you are not currently performing oral sex on the receiver.



Plainclothes Cops are Dicks

You know, the regular cops are smart enough to park in the alley directly beside 7/11.....So why do the Justice Stealth(tm) cops keep parking ON the side walk in front of 7/11? This morning on my way home they were parked literally right in front of he door, on the sidewalk. I don't mean his tires are on the curb or anything. I mean his entire vehicle was driven up onto the sidewalk and parked there. An unmarked police car at that. Just sitting there. I assume the place was just robbed or something but the cop was inside meandering around trying to find the terrorists or something.

…...then on my way to work tonight the same cop, in the same unmarked car, pulls up onto the sidewalk suddenly with his lights off. So for all us pedestrians some insane nutjob just came swerving up onto the sidewalk causing us all to dive out of the way. Then after he screeched to a halt he hit the siren for a split second to scare the hell out of everyone and clearly identify himself as a dick. What was the big emergency you ask? He had to go in and whine at the clerks about how much the morning clerk's witness statement sucked.

The only upside was the strung out panhandler nearby who immediately and comically "assumed the position" as a reflex action when he siren went off.



867

Me: "Ok, and your phone number?"
SC: "I don't have no phone."
Me: "Alright, well I need a number to place an order."
SC: "Uh, <Finally gives me his mom's number or something.>"
Me: "Ok, and your postal code?"
SC: "122"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "122"
Me: "Yes, but whats your postal code?"
SC: "122"
Me: "That's not a postal code."
SC: "122"
Me: "Yes, but what's your postal code?"
SC: "uh……uh…..um.....wait......uh.....XXX XXX?"

What was this struggling trailer monkey ordering you ask? $600 mp3 player sunglasses. Yes, this man who does not even have a phone or enough braincells to rub together to keep the inside of his skull warm during the winter, apparently has a computer loaded with mp3's just waiting to be uploaded to his fantastic new sunglasses. I will graciously grant that maybe, just maybe he realizes that the glasses can somehow play music. However, I can only picture him sitting in his kitchen / tool shed, futilely trying to jab an old Alabama cassette tape into the USB port while his girlfriend periodically interrupts him to demand he move an engine block so she can make Kraft Dinner.



For Great Justice

SC: "Apparently our computer system hasn't actually been logging anything since like Aug 20th"
Me: "Alright, who is this?"
SC: "<Random county police dept in the states>"

To protect and serve!…….at least when we finally notice.



Oooo

Me: "Good evening, <company>."
Client: "Just checking to make sure the lines are-ooo, skunk."

It would appear you are easily distrac-ooo, look at the kitty.



<Twiddles fingers>

Me "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "What time is it there?"
Me: "6:01am."
SC: "Excellent…..excellent."

All is going according to your cunning plan then, is it? It must be difficult to plan around the constant, never ending unwaveringly predictable flow of time. Well, actually, if half my callers are any indication its extremely difficult. So my hat is off to you, good sir.


Every day I learn something new

Today I learned that to teenagers there are two line ups for the bus. The real one and the one they make up on their own.



Dialog

Me: "Good morning, <company that deals with home renovations>"
SC: "I need to speak to someone who's suppose to pick me up at 9!"
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "I need to speak to whomever is coming to pick me up."
Me: "…....someone from <company> is suppose to pick you up?"
SC: "What's this?"
Me: "<company>
SC: "This ain't no transportation?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Oh."

I swear so many problems could be avoided if people would just LISTEN to the first thing I said. The rest of them could be avoided if they actually listened to the second, third, fourth and ninth things I said too. Don't worry about the fifth, sixth, seventh and eigth things I say though. Only my coworkers can here those and they often involve terms like "FSCKING", "Trailer-ape", "ditchdwelling", "inbred", "nasal beast", "asshat", "windowlicker", "shit weasel", "escaped from the maw of natural selection", "walking genetic failure", "intrepid ass mining rectal explorer", "festering rectal polyp", "Painful cyst on the very colon of human society" or "Has the mental capabilities of the shitcrust stuck to the fur around a persian's asshole."

You know, every day conversation kind of things.




If I Could Somehow Hate you to Death....

While I normally have a sort of constant disdain for humanity, every now and then one particularly determined failure in life sprints ahead of the pack....

Its 6:55am. I get off work in 5 minutes. ( Yay! ) So I'm finishing up all my duties and what not when I get a call. A tech support call. Normally if I get one of these a minute or two before my shift ends I pass them to the team that specifically takes only those calls. But I had 5 minutes to go and this account in particular has an average call time of, well, about 5 minutes. Mainly because the software in question is install and forget. Its PAINFULLY easy to use since all you have to do is install it.....

....sooo I get this woman who's having problems with the installation. Alright, no biggie, about the only thing that can mess up the installation is an antivirus/firewall. McAfee is the culprit 95% of the time. Easy enough...I'll just walk her through disabling McAfee for a few minutes....

.....well this turned out to be about as easy as trying to walk a dog through performing open heart surgery.

I would tell her EXACTLY where to go and what to click....and she would unfailingly ( Well, failingly ) either be unable to locate it or click on something entirely unrelated ( Media Player, Internet Explorer, Volume Control Panel ). Then, after she had made her glaring error, she would read me out EVERYTHING ON HER ENTIRE COMPUTER SCREEN. Everything. EVERY GOD DAMN TIME. Even though I keep telling her I don't need information from her browser/control panel/volume control/media player/minesweeper. Even if we'd already seen the window in question and I was just having her go back to it for a moment she would read out everything on screen again.

She would do this even if she was in the wrong place in the program ( Which was 98% of the time. ) even after I informed her she was on the wrong window and asked her to go to a different one. She still insisted on reading the entire god damn thing to me in the most slack jawed monotone. All the while her kids screaming in the background.

It takes me at least 9 tries to get to right window ( A task that can be easily accomplished by clicking on the word "Configure" right in front of her. ). Then countless more attempts to guide her molasses like thought process to the right check box. All the while constantly being interrupted by her fscking Windows Story Time Adventures.

Then when I finally get it working for her she doesn't take the hint to get off the god damn line now. I keep giving her our closing statement ( hint hint ) but she just keeps reading me all the shit on the screen. She's seriously reading me out the new user form while she fills in crap like her name and phone number.

I look at the clock....its 7:20am. I've now clocked 25 minutes with this raging moron, 20 of which are overtime.

She finally realizes she can do this herself without my forced observation......and hangs up without so much as a thank you. You bitch. ><

Sometimes I wonder why the powers that be didn't have the foresight to grant me the ability to melt people's faces with my mind. Then I think about the trail of damp, carpet staining corpses I'd leave across the entire continent and realize exactly why they didn't.

[Alfie]

Me: "Good morning, <company that deals with home renovations>"
SC: "I need to speak to someone who's suppose to pick me up at 9!"
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "I need to speak to whomever is coming to pick me up."
Me: "…....someone from <company> is suppose to pick you up?"
SC: "What's this?"
Me: "<company>
SC: "This ain't no transportation?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Oh."

We had someone calling our work (a handbag store) asking what shifts they were working for Target next week... Hmm... Not too sure how that one could have possibly worked out for her. And yes, we always do the "Good evening, Alfie at *Insert Store Name Here*."

[Kara]

Looks like you had about as much fun as I did today (yesterday, whatever).

I'm going to get like 5 and name them all after Power Rangers. ( The Green Ranger's my favourite. He was dreamy~ )

Now you're scaring me.

Before placing a call please ensure you are not currently performing oral sex on the receiver.

We've been having that problem the last couple of days, but in reverse. Customers are unable to hear us about 50% of the time, or when they do hear us it comes out kind of garbled. So a lot of calls have been along the line of us saying something and them complaining that they can' hear us so we wait for them to hang up.

Me "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "What time is it there?"
Me: "6:01am."
SC: "Excellent…..excellent."

I should seriously try this sometime when I call anyone i owe money to. Just see how they react.

Sometimes I wonder why the powers that be didn't have the foresight to grant me the ability to melt people's faces with my mind. Then I think about the trail of damp, carpet staining corpses I'd leave across the entire continent and realize exactly why they didn't.

Alas, we didn't get those abilities. I know I'd be deadly with super powers. I'd leave a trail of exploded heads and random body parts in my wake.

[Sliceanddice]

oh god...
i finally relate to every SINGLE DAMN ONE OF YOUR STORIES!!!
....i'm going to go cry now (and go to work)

[Gurndigarn]

Me: "Alright, I'll let the supervisor know."
SC: "I have a cat."
Me: "..ok."

Congratulations! I've heard tell of such rare, mythical beasts before. Apparently you can actually PURCHASE these odysseys of nature at something called a "pet store". Where they will trade you the live beast in return for many shiny coin. But even more perplexing are the legends of people that will just GIVE them too you for reading some sort of witchcraft ritual called the "classifieds" in a tome known only as the "newspaper". They just GIVE them too you! As many of them as you want!

Unless you live(d) in St. Paul back when I did. The humane society or local laws (I wasn't sure which) was so draconian about spay/neuter that there weren't free kittens or puppies when we needed to find one. Our oldest son (3 at the time) needed something that could take roughhousing and dish it back better than his younger sibling.

Somehow, though, the dog we finally got mostly ignored him in favor of me. And thought that playing games like fetch or wrestle was an odd pasttime enjoyed by the plebian masses.

[Naaman]

Me: "Alright, I'll let the supervisor know."
SC: "I have a cat."
Me: "..ok."

Did you get to find out if it was called Mittens?

[Gravekeeper]

Now you're scaring me.

Tommy was hawt. =p

Unless you live(d) in St. Paul back when I did. The humane society or local laws (I wasn't sure which) was so draconian about spay/neuter that there weren't free kittens or puppies when we needed to find one.

You can still find plenty in the classifieds here. Plus any SPCA here usually has a bundle or two they can offer up upon request. All they ask is you make a donation in exchange for the furball.

Did you get to find out if it was called Mittens?

No, but I found out far more then I really wanted too about how hard it is to vacuum cat hair. It was such a completely random tangent that I could only sit and listen. -.-

[Seshat]

You can still find plenty in the classifieds here. Plus any SPCA here usually has a bundle or two they can offer up upon request. All they ask is you make a donation in exchange for the furball.

I had to take a break from volunteering at my local SPCA. I developed a murderous hatred for a large chunk of humanity that would make you think I was a customer service rep.

(But for those who want to know: there are two types of pet you can get. Carefully bred with care for the health of both parents & their lineages, and careful cross-matching. Or not. If you're trying for the first, there's plenty of advice on how to check that the breeder really is doing all that work on the web. If you're going for 'not', get them at a reputable shelter or rescue. You're taking a chance on the health of the animal anyway, so go where you'll at least be certain they've been vet-checked and temperament tested.)

[Gravekeeper]

I had to take a break from volunteering at my local SPCA. I developed a murderous hatred for a large chunk of humanity that would make you think I was a customer service rep.

(But for those who want to know: there are two types of pet you can get. Carefully bred with care for the health of both parents & their lineages, and careful cross-matching. Or not. If you're trying for the first, there's plenty of advice on how to check that the breeder really is doing all that work on the web. If you're going for 'not', get them at a reputable shelter or rescue. You're taking a chance on the health of the animal anyway, so go where you'll at least be certain they've been vet-checked and temperament tested.)

Reputable breeders usually give you a written guarantee of health of some sort. They may also require you to take the fuzzball to the vet after you receive them to get them a full check out and verify they are at full HP. But if you're going for "not", definitely hit the SPCA or a reputable pet store.

[Soulstealer]

Tommy was hawt. =p

Yes he was, but I liked the blue ranger too. I'm attracted to the geeky types and for a 7 year old girl he was dreamy.

[CrazedClerk]

<Twiddles fingers>

Me "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "What time is it there?"
Me: "6:01am."
SC: "Excellent…..excellent."

I just can't hear that without putting Mr. Burns' voice in there

[Shengirl]

You mentioned that last woman had screaming kids in the background. You probably should have asked her to put one of them on the line.

[Nutjob R/T]

Did you get to find out if it was called Mittens?

His name is mittens!

Can you break a fifty?

[Sliceanddice]

oh and GK, everyone knows that all little girls loved the blue ranger!!!
Even i did...
at a close second to the yellow rangers, cause well...woohoo?
and just above the pink ranger, cause she was pink and pretty but ditzy.


..... i miss the origanal blue ranger.....

[karma_gypsy]

Yes, yes, I'm alive. ;p

Just barely . . . I'm sure.

Then, after she had made her glaring error, she would read me out EVERYTHING ON HER ENTIRE COMPUTER SCREEN. Everything. EVERY GOD DAMN TIME.

Just be glad she was reading it to you, instead of reciting the words in a series of clicks and grunts. I have a feeling that particular computer isn't going to last long . . . (i.e. due to the serious lack of maintainence it's not going to get . . .).