Favorite Customer lines

[Rubystars]

While you might not necessarily like them, they can be rather amusing, and here's my list of lines that make me laugh a little bit because of how silly they are:

Whaddayamean!

I'm in a hurry!

What am I supposed to do?

How is that fair to me?

Where is (item)? (While standing right next to item or a sign that indicates item is on that aisle)

There oughta be a sign or something!

You're only doing this to me because I'm (insert race, religion, sexual orientation, disability here)

The other employee did it for me!

The other store does it!

Worker: "Ma'am (or Sir) would you like me to (fill in the blanks)"
Customer: *chatters on cell phone* "Yes!"
Worker: *does it*
Customer: "What are you doing! I didn't say you could do that!"

[pbmods]

And let's not forget...

"But you just have to *simple task*. Why does that take so long??"

Or better yet,

"Why not? Don't you know how to do your job?"

Quoted from the following topic:
Customer Assistance Buttons

[HawaiianShirts]

Most of my customers' lines have to do with computers. They seem to all be variations of the same questions about the mysterious Wireless Internet and about the super-cheap-sale-or-clearance-computers and whether they'll run games or programs that require far more resources than those systems have to offer. But there are a few I hear often enough that remind me I work retail.

Some classics:
"Do you have any more in the back?"
"Are you SURE you're sold out?"
"Because that cable's not included, you'll throw it in for free, right?"
"Does this (gesturing to a sale item) ever go on sale?"
"No price tag? It must be free."
"So, what kind of deal are you going to work out to get my business?"
"I just have one quick question."
"Doesn't *Some Other Store* have this for cheaper?"
"Why is everything here so expensive?"
"Oh, I have a friend who is really good with computers. I'll have him/her fix it for me if I have a problem."
"I never buy anything if it's not on sale."

One of the most annoying to me:
After explaining to a customer that the display model laptop he wants has already been discounted by $300 from its original price, that it is $200 below company cost, and that I'm CERTAIN the manager will not discount it any farther because I already asked for someone else the day before, I get this line:
"Can you ask your manager for me anyway?"

(If I have any reason to think the manager will allow a discount, I'll ask. Otherwise, if the customer insists I ask, I just take a lap around the store and tell them the manager said no.)

And the one I find the most entertaining, the one customers always use when I tell them I CANNOT do whatever it is they're asking for, the one they use without realizing that I get paid the same whether they buy or not, and the one I hear most often when it wouldn't be a sale anyway:
"Well, you just lost a sale!"

[dragonflygrrl]

How about,

"Why won't you help me?" Hmmm...maybe because what you are asking me to do will get me fired?

"I get 25% off, right?" Um, no, but if you keep that crap up I might just tack on the 25% idiot fee, skippy.

"Why can't you just give me a new one?" Well, you broke the first one within 72 hours, I don't think it would be humane to provide you with another one just yet. But don't worry, you'll be due to upgrade in...oh, looks like 22 months.

"You mean I have to PAY for it?" Well, yeah, see, we live in a capitalistic society, which means that in our system you must pay an independant company for products and services they provide, thus...oh never mind. Yes, you idiot, you have to pay for it.

[ArtDent99]

"Thats your best price?"

followed by...

"Thats including tax?"

followed by...

"I think I saw it cheaper at <big box store>"

followed by...

"OK, but can you spend hours showing me how to use it?
(which of course, big box store probably will never ever do, which is why they are cheaper than a 'specialty store' but we just knocked the price to match, took it up the .. ahem.. sorry..., and now you want premium service?!?!?.. sorry... sorry.. venting)

[ReadyToRetire]

Hi, what can I get for you?
"A million dollars. Haw haw haw!"

When they don't get their way:
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

When making a delivery to someone's house:
"We didn't order anything!" Actually, they did. Once again they think they're being funny.

"Where's my food? It's been over an hour!"
In reality it's more like 30 minutes. Orders are time stamped.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Hi, what can I get for you?
"A million dollars. Haw haw haw!" <snip>

I recognise those from the time I spent at Hell's Pizza.

Another answer to your first question was "A pizza hur hur, otherwise I'd be calling the Chinese!"

[Kiwi]

working at the craft store : "oh I know ALL about *insert term such as knitting, paper tole, cross stitch*"

at the gift shop: "I know all about *insert collectable series*"

at the art stand: " I know ALL about art and *insert artist*"

they then proceeded to display their ignorance for the topic

and my favourite saying of all time

" THIS IS RIDICULUOUS!!!!!!"

[Phone Jockey]

Moron: You'd better do _____ (random impossible request) or I'm going to throw a tantrum!

Yes, I really had someone say that.

[AFpheonix]

Sigh...how I love people sometimes....

Are you sure that's the price? My insurance card says it's supposed to be $10 dollars. (Goes into schpiel explaining why that's the preferred generic list price that they're quoting me, and why this very new, very expensive brand medication that has no generic available yet is not $10. Usually, once I point out how much it would have cost if they didn't have insurance, they shut up)

This store has it for this price. Match it. (Note the demanding tone)
Sorry sir, we do not match prices. We offer far more service than that other store does, hence higher prices on some items like this one. Go there. Oh wait, it's 11 at night, they're not open. Bummer.

Can I have my narcotics early? What? Why do you have to call my doctor?
To get you in trouble, of course. It's the funnest part of my day, you know.

[Rapscallion]

"Do you have any of product X?"

"I've got some in the freezer."

"Does that mean it's frozen?"

I had that conversation on a distressing number of occasions.

Rapscallion

[crazymama]

Don't forget when you're wearing your company logos all over your uniform and someone inevitably asks, "Do you work here?" Wow. Here's your sign.

[Lace Neil Singer]

My alltime favourite customer line: *sigh, looks pointedly at watch* "Is this going to take long/Are you going to be long? I don't have all day."

[Linda]

<after the customer asks for the one hour service>
"So...When will that be ready?"
When I tell them erm...in an hour...? it's usually followed by "well, the one hour place down the road usually takes 3 or 4 hours"

Sees like our service times are way too quick for most people!

[Dreamstalker]

"You are being/This is unreasonable!"

When that was trotted out, I always wanted to say something heard in CSI (jewelry shop clerk arguing with nasty customer after a break-in during which said customer's ring was stolen): "Now you are being unreasonable!"