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1. Roll your eyes at me when I don't hear and ask you to repeat something you've said, even if you are speaking barely above a whisper.
2. Relax! Don't bother to unload that basket. We're your slaves, remember? And it makes my sore back feel even better, having to lean forward and unpack everything while you watch.
3. Always remember, LIGHT OFF: come on up and starting unloading! LIGHT ON: Creep up cautiously and ask, "Are you open?" Chances are, I'm just standing there at the register with the light on because my lane is closed.
4. Ask in a snotty tone whether or not I know how to count when I'm slow counting your change back to you. I'm glad that you're showing your concern!
5. Remember: there's nothing we find more amusing than hearing such witty remarks as: "You look like you need something to do", "You look bored", 'You were just waiting for us, weren't you?", and "Does that mean it's free?"
6. Put the card in the wrong way. Don't forget to say, "I guess it doesn't like my card."
7. Watch me like a hawk when I bag. Remember, I don't know what the hell I'm doing! After all, I might put your Drano in with your Doritos. Then say, "No", and remove something from the bag and place it in another bag. You get bonus points if you change up the contents in each bag!
8. Grab bags out from under my nose before I'm finished with them. Better yet, snatch it right out of my hand!
9. Just scowl in silence when I say hi, ask you how you are, and say have a great day.
10. Please feel free to leave crap anywhere if you don't feel like putting it back! We love finding condoms stashed with the cookies, or tv dinners in the cooler with the sodas. Try bringing up a couple frozen pizzas and make the peons run them back for you! Better yet, leave a gallon of milk sitting on a shelf with the towels! These little surprises are an endless source of amusement for us.
11. Stroll slowly and casually up to the registers, laguhing loudly with your friends, better yet, at five minutes after close. Stay awhile, maybe even 20 minutes after closing! We love your company. Why on Earth would we want to go home when we can lug your shit around and watch you dig through your purse for change?
12. Leave your basket or cart sitting for me to put away. Then go stand around for several minutes by the door, waiting for someone, so that I can see that you obviously had better things to do.
13. Announce you have the change when I'm shutting the drawer, ready to hand you your change. It keeps us on our toes!
14. Hand me bills that are folded over several times into tiny squares. For even more fun, try handing several bills over all rolled up into a cool little ball!
15. Hand me your child's slobber-covered bag of M&Ms. Bonus points if your child is sick as a dog and plastered with snot! Colds are fun!
16. Walk away and leave your ONE BAG sitting at the registers, waiting for you. Obviously your purchases were pretty important!
17. Coach your children on how a GOOD cashier should do things, and how they should do it when they're grown up. We appreciate your tips!
18. Decline taking five minutes to open a store card to take 10% off even when you're spending 600 bucks worth of stuff. That makes a lot of sense.
19. Get drunk. Come in and when you're at the registers, literally SCREAM for your friend who's practically across the store.
20. Come up with your boyfriend and speak like this, "Yo mutha fucka, I tell you what mutha fucka, what the fuck, fuck that shit,", etc. etc.
21. Those divider bars are there for decoration, obiously! Who needs 'em? Everybody knows cashiers are mind readers.
22. If I scan something that's not yours because the person behind you neglected to use a divider bar, say in a snotty, bad-dog-don't-you-piddle-on-the-floor tone, "That's not mine, or "NO, NO, NO, that's not mine!!!"
23. "No" in a flat or grumpy tone works much better than "No thanks", or 'No, that's okay" when we ask if you want to open a store card.
24. Take a bag of snacks from the shelf for your kids, then leave the empty wrapper on the shelf with the shampoo. Paying's for suckers!
25. Come from another one of our stores, loudly declare that you're an employee and "know how it's done" and then in a loud, drunken voice, declare our employees "dumbasses" while standing at the register.
26. Rip off bits of your reciept, such as the "you're pre-approved, would you like to open a credit account" message and leave them sitting on the shelf where the finished bags are for me to throw away.
27. Hand me your clothes to scan-even when you're planning on washing them as soon as you get home. And it's not like my hands are filthy or anything...
28. The object of the game is to place anything and everything that you might consider purchasing in your cart. You can always just dump it on us when you change your mind on half of the items. Why do you think we have those re-shop boxes?
29. Short on bread? Try a nice scam. How about the old, "You know what, why don't you give me my hundred back and I'll give you..." It's all in good fun!
30. Twelve items shwelve schmitems! What are we gonna do, turn you away?
Am I missing anything?
2. Relax! Don't bother to unload that basket. We're your slaves, remember? And it makes my sore back feel even better, having to lean forward and unpack everything while you watch.
3. Always remember, LIGHT OFF: come on up and starting unloading! LIGHT ON: Creep up cautiously and ask, "Are you open?" Chances are, I'm just standing there at the register with the light on because my lane is closed.
4. Ask in a snotty tone whether or not I know how to count when I'm slow counting your change back to you. I'm glad that you're showing your concern!
5. Remember: there's nothing we find more amusing than hearing such witty remarks as: "You look like you need something to do", "You look bored", 'You were just waiting for us, weren't you?", and "Does that mean it's free?"
6. Put the card in the wrong way. Don't forget to say, "I guess it doesn't like my card."
7. Watch me like a hawk when I bag. Remember, I don't know what the hell I'm doing! After all, I might put your Drano in with your Doritos. Then say, "No", and remove something from the bag and place it in another bag. You get bonus points if you change up the contents in each bag!
8. Grab bags out from under my nose before I'm finished with them. Better yet, snatch it right out of my hand!
9. Just scowl in silence when I say hi, ask you how you are, and say have a great day.
10. Please feel free to leave crap anywhere if you don't feel like putting it back! We love finding condoms stashed with the cookies, or tv dinners in the cooler with the sodas. Try bringing up a couple frozen pizzas and make the peons run them back for you! Better yet, leave a gallon of milk sitting on a shelf with the towels! These little surprises are an endless source of amusement for us.
11. Stroll slowly and casually up to the registers, laguhing loudly with your friends, better yet, at five minutes after close. Stay awhile, maybe even 20 minutes after closing! We love your company. Why on Earth would we want to go home when we can lug your shit around and watch you dig through your purse for change?
12. Leave your basket or cart sitting for me to put away. Then go stand around for several minutes by the door, waiting for someone, so that I can see that you obviously had better things to do.
13. Announce you have the change when I'm shutting the drawer, ready to hand you your change. It keeps us on our toes!
14. Hand me bills that are folded over several times into tiny squares. For even more fun, try handing several bills over all rolled up into a cool little ball!
15. Hand me your child's slobber-covered bag of M&Ms. Bonus points if your child is sick as a dog and plastered with snot! Colds are fun!
16. Walk away and leave your ONE BAG sitting at the registers, waiting for you. Obviously your purchases were pretty important!
17. Coach your children on how a GOOD cashier should do things, and how they should do it when they're grown up. We appreciate your tips!
18. Decline taking five minutes to open a store card to take 10% off even when you're spending 600 bucks worth of stuff. That makes a lot of sense.
19. Get drunk. Come in and when you're at the registers, literally SCREAM for your friend who's practically across the store.
20. Come up with your boyfriend and speak like this, "Yo mutha fucka, I tell you what mutha fucka, what the fuck, fuck that shit,", etc. etc.
21. Those divider bars are there for decoration, obiously! Who needs 'em? Everybody knows cashiers are mind readers.
22. If I scan something that's not yours because the person behind you neglected to use a divider bar, say in a snotty, bad-dog-don't-you-piddle-on-the-floor tone, "That's not mine, or "NO, NO, NO, that's not mine!!!"
23. "No" in a flat or grumpy tone works much better than "No thanks", or 'No, that's okay" when we ask if you want to open a store card.
24. Take a bag of snacks from the shelf for your kids, then leave the empty wrapper on the shelf with the shampoo. Paying's for suckers!
25. Come from another one of our stores, loudly declare that you're an employee and "know how it's done" and then in a loud, drunken voice, declare our employees "dumbasses" while standing at the register.
26. Rip off bits of your reciept, such as the "you're pre-approved, would you like to open a credit account" message and leave them sitting on the shelf where the finished bags are for me to throw away.
27. Hand me your clothes to scan-even when you're planning on washing them as soon as you get home. And it's not like my hands are filthy or anything...
28. The object of the game is to place anything and everything that you might consider purchasing in your cart. You can always just dump it on us when you change your mind on half of the items. Why do you think we have those re-shop boxes?
29. Short on bread? Try a nice scam. How about the old, "You know what, why don't you give me my hundred back and I'll give you..." It's all in good fun!
30. Twelve items shwelve schmitems! What are we gonna do, turn you away?
Am I missing anything?
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