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Have you had a job that is the stuff of late night comedy, high school pranks, movie theater derision, and overall loathing? Misanthropical's thread and the visceral responses to bad memories of bill collectors made me think of this topic. Share your stories of being the person nobody likes to hear from!
Here's mine-
I was a door to door canvasser for a small, entirely citizen funded environmental group seeking to use citizen pressure to stop industrial polluters from spewing toxic chemicals into the air and getting away with it. Good group, good mission, and it was working for them, but I only lasted three months because I just couldn't handle the people who hate anyone knocking on their door no matter how polite the person is or how good the cause they're there for is. Some memorable lines:
"I hate you Communists! Don't step on my walk, I don't let Communists on my lawn!"
(Man answers door in his boxers)
"Well, come in, and I'll see what I've got..." (leer, wink)
....Hmm, seems I just remembered the person next door asked me to come back at exactly 5:26, and gee look at the time!
Policy was that if nobody was home, after we went to all the other houses on our turf, we were to give the not-home houses another knock to see if anyone had come home from work.
"I SAW YOU THE FIRST TIME AND I DIDN'T ANSWER! I don't want to be bothered at home! I don't want you to bother me! Don't bother me! How am I SUPPOSED TO GET YOU TO LEAVE???!"
....Try, "I'm not interested," or "I don't agree with the cause." Or a 'no fundraising' sign on the door? Hiding inside and pretending not to be home, gee, maybe that'll make me think you WEREN'T HOME!? Consider that one, smartpants? Gee whilickers!
"If I'm in my yard, go ahead and talk to me, but don't ever come to my door again. Make a note of that."
...Yes, because I'm carrying a database of personal information about every address we've ever been to across the entire state on my person, and I can just whip it out and make a note for next year- we come ONCE A YEAR.
"You were just here last week!"
Thank you, Ma'am, for reminding me that my memory of being 50 miles SOUTH of here last week is flawed! I'm sure you're correct and apologize for my hallucination.
"Sorry, I'm not a registered voter."
Please point out to me where I asked you to VOTE for something?
"I don't believe in restricting pollution. I think the Earth is there for us to use how we see fit. It's in the Bible."
Thanks for that moment of ridiculous, brought to you by ACME Rednecks, Incorporated!
"I drive a Prius."
Congrats. My job still requires me to ask you to help out with a signature, by writing a letter, or by making a donation. Preferably all three. I am not selling cars, I am working for a non-profit organization.
"Didn't you see the mat outside the door that says 'Go Away?'"
Sure did. Made the mistake of thinking that meant you had a sense of humor, too. Last time I do that- my sincerest apologies.
"TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST!"
Again, because I have a list of every address we come to in my pocket and can just make a note not to knock next year, and we'll just be glad to spend the unpaid time checking to see if you've moved away next year, rather than knocking as we're paid to do...
"I don't like people from Boulder."
You're in luck, sir, I'm from Lakewood, but please explain the relevance to my cause?
"I can't help. I have kids."
So procreation makes you sign a waiver saying you'll never help to provide clean air for them to grow up with again? More and more reasons for me not to reproduce!
"Don't come here, I ride a motorcycle."
Given that most motorcycles get excellent gas mileage and have very low emissions, I really fail to see the issue. Maybe if you drove a Humvee, I would think twice.
"I WANT TO SEE YOUR LICENSE TO SOLICIT IN BROOMFIELD COUNTY! I will CALL THE POLICE if you do not produce one!"
Please, sir, make my goddamned day. If I get stopped by police for my perfectly legal FUNDRAISING, which does not require a license in this county, I will be compensated at my hourly rate for the time I spend answering their questions rather than dealing with arsebags like yourself. In fact, would you like to use my cell phone? See, I haven't had a break all afternoon. I'd really, truly, enjoy a ride in an air conditioned police car, should they choose to offer one, and I bet the station even has a soda machine- I'm parched!
Here's mine-
I was a door to door canvasser for a small, entirely citizen funded environmental group seeking to use citizen pressure to stop industrial polluters from spewing toxic chemicals into the air and getting away with it. Good group, good mission, and it was working for them, but I only lasted three months because I just couldn't handle the people who hate anyone knocking on their door no matter how polite the person is or how good the cause they're there for is. Some memorable lines:
"I hate you Communists! Don't step on my walk, I don't let Communists on my lawn!"
(Man answers door in his boxers)
"Well, come in, and I'll see what I've got..." (leer, wink)
....Hmm, seems I just remembered the person next door asked me to come back at exactly 5:26, and gee look at the time!
Policy was that if nobody was home, after we went to all the other houses on our turf, we were to give the not-home houses another knock to see if anyone had come home from work.
"I SAW YOU THE FIRST TIME AND I DIDN'T ANSWER! I don't want to be bothered at home! I don't want you to bother me! Don't bother me! How am I SUPPOSED TO GET YOU TO LEAVE???!"
....Try, "I'm not interested," or "I don't agree with the cause." Or a 'no fundraising' sign on the door? Hiding inside and pretending not to be home, gee, maybe that'll make me think you WEREN'T HOME!? Consider that one, smartpants? Gee whilickers!
"If I'm in my yard, go ahead and talk to me, but don't ever come to my door again. Make a note of that."
...Yes, because I'm carrying a database of personal information about every address we've ever been to across the entire state on my person, and I can just whip it out and make a note for next year- we come ONCE A YEAR.
"You were just here last week!"
Thank you, Ma'am, for reminding me that my memory of being 50 miles SOUTH of here last week is flawed! I'm sure you're correct and apologize for my hallucination.
"Sorry, I'm not a registered voter."
Please point out to me where I asked you to VOTE for something?
"I don't believe in restricting pollution. I think the Earth is there for us to use how we see fit. It's in the Bible."
Thanks for that moment of ridiculous, brought to you by ACME Rednecks, Incorporated!
"I drive a Prius."
Congrats. My job still requires me to ask you to help out with a signature, by writing a letter, or by making a donation. Preferably all three. I am not selling cars, I am working for a non-profit organization.
"Didn't you see the mat outside the door that says 'Go Away?'"
Sure did. Made the mistake of thinking that meant you had a sense of humor, too. Last time I do that- my sincerest apologies.
"TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST!"
Again, because I have a list of every address we come to in my pocket and can just make a note not to knock next year, and we'll just be glad to spend the unpaid time checking to see if you've moved away next year, rather than knocking as we're paid to do...
"I don't like people from Boulder."
You're in luck, sir, I'm from Lakewood, but please explain the relevance to my cause?
"I can't help. I have kids."
So procreation makes you sign a waiver saying you'll never help to provide clean air for them to grow up with again? More and more reasons for me not to reproduce!
"Don't come here, I ride a motorcycle."
Given that most motorcycles get excellent gas mileage and have very low emissions, I really fail to see the issue. Maybe if you drove a Humvee, I would think twice.
"I WANT TO SEE YOUR LICENSE TO SOLICIT IN BROOMFIELD COUNTY! I will CALL THE POLICE if you do not produce one!"
Please, sir, make my goddamned day. If I get stopped by police for my perfectly legal FUNDRAISING, which does not require a license in this county, I will be compensated at my hourly rate for the time I spend answering their questions rather than dealing with arsebags like yourself. In fact, would you like to use my cell phone? See, I haven't had a break all afternoon. I'd really, truly, enjoy a ride in an air conditioned police car, should they choose to offer one, and I bet the station even has a soda machine- I'm parched!
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