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Since people seem to enjoy the cats, I shall once again pass them along. Including one which got an "Oh GOD, wtf?" from across the office when someone opened their email. I'll leave you to figure out which one it is and warn you ahead of time that it is twisted and near the bottom.
Soon I Will No Longer Suffer Kara's Fools....but for now:
Me: “This isn’t <Kara's company>. This is <company> payment network.”
SC: “Well, ya’ll wanna get paid right?”
Unfortunately for your weak attempt at an argument, I get paid whether I solve your idiotic problems or not. If fact if I could summarize what your existence means to me I’d have to say that to me your life is basically like the back of my toilet. I’m vaguely aware of it, normally ignore it yet every now and then I’m forced to address it. The only difference is in that case I address it with a sponge rather than a headset.
Of course, since you’re calling the wrong number you don’t even rank as a customer. So ironically, in this case, the client agrees with me.
Also, despite your final urging, I will not shove “it” up my backside. I do not know what “it” is nor what it is used for but in my many years on this earth I have managed to figured out that that particular port hole is best reserved for emergency exit only.
You have a nice day now.
I Try to Help
SC: “I was looking on your website and do you guys carry the tiles that look like clay?”
Me: “Did you see them on our website?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: "....."
SC: "....."
Me: "Yes, we do."
SC: "Great!"
Sadly despite my gentle prompting you did not pick up on the cue and persisted in being a slack wit. This saddened me.
Root Bear Zorro....again
Root Bear Zorro was working at 7/11 again tonight and he seems to be back in high spirits. At least…I guess that’s what he calls working. I’m not sure, he was wandering around the store clapping his hands and singing “STRAPPA RAPPA!”. Then at one point he stopped to yell “CHRISTMAS!”. Even the other employees seem to be terrified of him as they slinked away whenever he came near.
Still, he does amuse me. Especially when he says "GOOD NIGHT!" when you approach.
Resistance is Futile
One of my on call techs, I shall call him Billy Bob, called in to pick up a case and the following conversation ensued:
BB: “Who was the call for?”
Me: “Billy Bob.”
BB: “No, no. Who’s on call?”
Me: “Billy Bob.”
BB: “No, who’s on call for Thunder Bay!”
Me: “.....Billy Bob.”
BB: “…..oh.”
You seem to be ass naked and floundering wildly down the currents of a certain river in Egypt.
Can You Tell Me How To Get To
Me: “Alright, it’s M as in Mary”
SC: “k!”
Me: “D as in David.”
SC: “k!”
Me: “xxxx”
SC: “k!”
Me: “Then xxxx”
SC: “k!”
I think I can guess what letter today's show was brought to you by.
You're Doing It Wrong
Me: “Good evening, <company>. How may I help you?”
SC: “Yeah, how can you help me?”
Is that a rhetorical question or do you really need a menu of all your available options? Because it’d be a fairly short list and no matter what option you chose I would resent you deeply for it. Actually, I already resent you deeply just for calling to begin with. So I guess you’re borked either way so you may as well pick something and get this over with. Then you can just go on with your pitiful life and I can resume hating you silently.
Not that I don’t provide fantastic customer service, mind you. I do. Why, they’d never guess behind my cheerful tone and willingness to assist actually hides a bitter loathing and abject wish for them and their genitals to somehow encounter and/or get caught in some type of industrial mining equipment at some point over the course of their day.
I Really Did Find It Too
Me: “Good morning, reservations”
SC: “Hello.”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Do you speak English?”
No, in all honesty I’m actually just a parrot that spouts random helpful sounding sentences whenever it hears a call ding. It’s cheaper than a real operator and the average graveyard caller can’t tell the difference anyway. So its win win all around.
On that note, I demand a cracker. Wait, nevermind, I found one in the drawer. Along with some chocolate. Double score!
Wtf?
As I was standing in line at 7/11 tonight, a girl came up behind me and began handing me things….after a moment she went “Oh! Wrong person, sorry” and took them back. Leaving me to wonder exactly who it is I seem to look like seeing as she was alone.
Then Don't Do That
SC: “Yeah, I have a flood in the basement. But it only floods when I flush the toilet, turn on the sink, turn on the shower, turn on the dishwasher, turn on-“
….I sense a blatantly obvious common theme here that seems to be eluding you. Therefore, allow me to make a suggestion: Stop turning on the water.
Survey
( Keep in mind this is a line for stranded passengers to find emergency accommodations... )
SC: “Well I’d like to SEE the room before I pay for it. Do they have a shuttle?”
….you want to hop on a shuttle for 15 minutes just to go to the hotel and get a guided tour to make sure it’s up to your standards? Well, by all means. I hope your illustrious $59 room is all you ever dreamed it would be.
Disappointment
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Yeah, is this a cab?”
Me: “No, sorry. You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Well, I need a cab!”
And I need some method of remotely inflicting pain on people holding cell phones. But I guess we’ll both wallow away the rest of the evening in disappointment.
More Insane Parents
( Background: The entire god damn city was a skating rink this night. The salt trucks were out and had been out all night trying to get all the roads done. )
I will attempt to condense and paraphrase this woman’s 5 minute psychotic episode as best I can…
SC: “The hill at blah and blah is a sheet of ice. 4 cars have piled up there! You need to send salt trucks here!”
Me: “Alright, I’ll check where they are send one over there.”
SC: “Ok, I’ll wait on the line.”
Me: “….it’s alright, I’ll send one there.”
SC: “Why can’t I wait on the line!?”
Me: “I need to call out to them. I can’t keep you on the line, sorry.”
( Note: Technically I can do this but its a big policy no no on accounts where the client hasn't specified or doesn't want us to. Of which this account is. )
SC: “THEN CAN YOU CALL ME BACK!?”
Me: “I can’t call you back, sorry. I’ll send a salt truck out there as soon as possible.”
( Again, big no no. We don't do dial outs to non-clients unless its a dire emergency such as a hospital ER call. )
SC: “WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME KNOW!?”
Me: “..I c-“
SC: “MY SON IS OUT THERE AND OTHER CARS ARE SLIDING INTO HIM!”
…..so tell your brilliant son to get the hell out of the car and come back in the house? It's 4am in the god damn morning. Its not like there's traffic.
Me: “Ok, as I said I will have a truck get there ASAP. But you should call the RCMP as well if there’s an accident there-“
SC: “I’VE ALREADY CALLED THEM~!~”
Yet you felt the need to call me too and share, eh? I have a news flash for you. Two actually. Number 1: The RCMP have been calling me all night telling me where the worse areas and accidents are. I already know. Number 2: That’s not the only road with ice on it. GASP! The entire district is a sheet of ice and I’ve had the salt guys out there all bloody night running around trying to get all the roads done. Neither your road nor your safety is any more important than anyone else’s. Even if your son is an idiot. The salt crews can do many things but they can’t save him from natural selection.
Her ranting continued for some time till I was able to calm her down and convince her I really would call and tell the salt trucks to, you know, salt.
Yes, I am uncaring and insensitive. I get that way when I’m around stupid. It makes me itch.
I Never Knew
SC: “Hi, its Tom from Air Canada. I have some passengers here that don’t speak English in Montreal. Can you get a room for them?”
Me: “Sure, I can put them at such and such for $79.”
SC: “Ok, just one sec……<to the passengers in the background> they say they can put you at such and such hotel for $79. Is that ok?”
….. hey, you may as well put them on the line. Apparently, I’m fluently bilingual.
Who?
Me: "Ok, and what's the problem with the system?"
SC: “Yeah, when I came in this morning there was a note from Glenn on the till.”
Glenn? Who’s Glenn? Am I suppose to know Glenn? You speak as if I should know of this Glenn. Am I missing something? I haven’t read the news in a day or two. Did Glenn descend from the Heavens yesterday and declare himself Lord and Master of all he sees? Am I suppose to be worshiping him to avoid an eternal hellfire of damnation and Brittney Spears Greatest Hits?
Damn, I’m soooo screwed…
Heads Up
FYI, “pacific time” is now “ya’ll time”. For example: “so at 8am ya’ll time?” or “So the west coast is on ya’ll time?”
Just a heads up.
It's HIDEOUS
This isn't really it but its the same style. Thank you Google:
I see we have new carpet in the hallway. New….hideous…carpet. Carpet that looks like it killed and devoured several other, lesser carpets of various colours which do not complement each other in any way shape or form.
I shall call this hideous amalgamation of fibers “Legion” and all shall tremble at it's coming.
A Word If You Would
Me: “Good evening, <company>. Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “I missed my flight and now I’m stuck in the airport for the evening.”
Me: “Ok, are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “The next flight out isn’t until tomorrow morning around 8am”
Me: “Alright, but are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “So I’m going to try and catch that flight-“
Hello? Earth to vaguely lucid monkey boy? This isn’t Dear Abby. Stop dribbling about your personal problems and answer the question so that we may move to phase 2. Which is either A) I find you a room or B) I politely tell you to go to hell as you have the wrong number.
America to the Rescue
( Embassy emergency line )
Thank you for your utterly raving batshit mad news update on Pakistan. You seemed so excited and really into it so I didn’t have the heart to interrupt. Especially the part where you fervently urged me to radio Washington for a chopper to save Musharraf. The only problem is you seem to have Musharraf completely confused with Bhutto. In which case I’m afraid you’re a bit late and I have some rather bad news for you.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Hello, Cindy Sterling. You don’t know me. We’ve never spoken before. I’m the operator that was forced to transcribe the small novel’s worth of your inane rambling on <company's> pager. You dribbled your way through 3 paragraphs, all of which I had to note as being too long, check voicemail because they exceeded the pager's text buffer and all of which were cut off by the time limit of the voice mail itself. In total you were cut off 3 times and STILL did not managed to blather out everything you were attempting to say. Luckily you accepted defeat and did not call a 4th time. However, for future reference, you may wish to pass along only the message you wish to leave. Not every possible circumstance around why you’re leaving the message, how the message feels about being left, what the message’s horoscope is and what the message had for breakfast that led to the message feeling the way the message did when you left it.
and there you have my week. -.-
Soon I Will No Longer Suffer Kara's Fools....but for now:
Me: “This isn’t <Kara's company>. This is <company> payment network.”
SC: “Well, ya’ll wanna get paid right?”
Unfortunately for your weak attempt at an argument, I get paid whether I solve your idiotic problems or not. If fact if I could summarize what your existence means to me I’d have to say that to me your life is basically like the back of my toilet. I’m vaguely aware of it, normally ignore it yet every now and then I’m forced to address it. The only difference is in that case I address it with a sponge rather than a headset.
Of course, since you’re calling the wrong number you don’t even rank as a customer. So ironically, in this case, the client agrees with me.
Also, despite your final urging, I will not shove “it” up my backside. I do not know what “it” is nor what it is used for but in my many years on this earth I have managed to figured out that that particular port hole is best reserved for emergency exit only.
You have a nice day now.
I Try to Help
SC: “I was looking on your website and do you guys carry the tiles that look like clay?”
Me: “Did you see them on our website?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: "....."
SC: "....."
Me: "Yes, we do."
SC: "Great!"
Sadly despite my gentle prompting you did not pick up on the cue and persisted in being a slack wit. This saddened me.
Root Bear Zorro....again
Root Bear Zorro was working at 7/11 again tonight and he seems to be back in high spirits. At least…I guess that’s what he calls working. I’m not sure, he was wandering around the store clapping his hands and singing “STRAPPA RAPPA!”. Then at one point he stopped to yell “CHRISTMAS!”. Even the other employees seem to be terrified of him as they slinked away whenever he came near.
Still, he does amuse me. Especially when he says "GOOD NIGHT!" when you approach.
Resistance is Futile
One of my on call techs, I shall call him Billy Bob, called in to pick up a case and the following conversation ensued:
BB: “Who was the call for?”
Me: “Billy Bob.”
BB: “No, no. Who’s on call?”
Me: “Billy Bob.”
BB: “No, who’s on call for Thunder Bay!”
Me: “.....Billy Bob.”
BB: “…..oh.”
You seem to be ass naked and floundering wildly down the currents of a certain river in Egypt.
Can You Tell Me How To Get To
Me: “Alright, it’s M as in Mary”
SC: “k!”
Me: “D as in David.”
SC: “k!”
Me: “xxxx”
SC: “k!”
Me: “Then xxxx”
SC: “k!”
I think I can guess what letter today's show was brought to you by.
You're Doing It Wrong
Me: “Good evening, <company>. How may I help you?”
SC: “Yeah, how can you help me?”
Is that a rhetorical question or do you really need a menu of all your available options? Because it’d be a fairly short list and no matter what option you chose I would resent you deeply for it. Actually, I already resent you deeply just for calling to begin with. So I guess you’re borked either way so you may as well pick something and get this over with. Then you can just go on with your pitiful life and I can resume hating you silently.
Not that I don’t provide fantastic customer service, mind you. I do. Why, they’d never guess behind my cheerful tone and willingness to assist actually hides a bitter loathing and abject wish for them and their genitals to somehow encounter and/or get caught in some type of industrial mining equipment at some point over the course of their day.
I Really Did Find It Too
Me: “Good morning, reservations”
SC: “Hello.”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Do you speak English?”
No, in all honesty I’m actually just a parrot that spouts random helpful sounding sentences whenever it hears a call ding. It’s cheaper than a real operator and the average graveyard caller can’t tell the difference anyway. So its win win all around.
On that note, I demand a cracker. Wait, nevermind, I found one in the drawer. Along with some chocolate. Double score!
Wtf?
As I was standing in line at 7/11 tonight, a girl came up behind me and began handing me things….after a moment she went “Oh! Wrong person, sorry” and took them back. Leaving me to wonder exactly who it is I seem to look like seeing as she was alone.
Then Don't Do That
SC: “Yeah, I have a flood in the basement. But it only floods when I flush the toilet, turn on the sink, turn on the shower, turn on the dishwasher, turn on-“
….I sense a blatantly obvious common theme here that seems to be eluding you. Therefore, allow me to make a suggestion: Stop turning on the water.
Survey
( Keep in mind this is a line for stranded passengers to find emergency accommodations... )
SC: “Well I’d like to SEE the room before I pay for it. Do they have a shuttle?”
….you want to hop on a shuttle for 15 minutes just to go to the hotel and get a guided tour to make sure it’s up to your standards? Well, by all means. I hope your illustrious $59 room is all you ever dreamed it would be.
Disappointment
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Yeah, is this a cab?”
Me: “No, sorry. You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Well, I need a cab!”
And I need some method of remotely inflicting pain on people holding cell phones. But I guess we’ll both wallow away the rest of the evening in disappointment.
More Insane Parents
( Background: The entire god damn city was a skating rink this night. The salt trucks were out and had been out all night trying to get all the roads done. )
I will attempt to condense and paraphrase this woman’s 5 minute psychotic episode as best I can…
SC: “The hill at blah and blah is a sheet of ice. 4 cars have piled up there! You need to send salt trucks here!”
Me: “Alright, I’ll check where they are send one over there.”
SC: “Ok, I’ll wait on the line.”
Me: “….it’s alright, I’ll send one there.”
SC: “Why can’t I wait on the line!?”
Me: “I need to call out to them. I can’t keep you on the line, sorry.”
( Note: Technically I can do this but its a big policy no no on accounts where the client hasn't specified or doesn't want us to. Of which this account is. )
SC: “THEN CAN YOU CALL ME BACK!?”
Me: “I can’t call you back, sorry. I’ll send a salt truck out there as soon as possible.”
( Again, big no no. We don't do dial outs to non-clients unless its a dire emergency such as a hospital ER call. )
SC: “WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME KNOW!?”
Me: “..I c-“
SC: “MY SON IS OUT THERE AND OTHER CARS ARE SLIDING INTO HIM!”
…..so tell your brilliant son to get the hell out of the car and come back in the house? It's 4am in the god damn morning. Its not like there's traffic.
Me: “Ok, as I said I will have a truck get there ASAP. But you should call the RCMP as well if there’s an accident there-“
SC: “I’VE ALREADY CALLED THEM~!~”
Yet you felt the need to call me too and share, eh? I have a news flash for you. Two actually. Number 1: The RCMP have been calling me all night telling me where the worse areas and accidents are. I already know. Number 2: That’s not the only road with ice on it. GASP! The entire district is a sheet of ice and I’ve had the salt guys out there all bloody night running around trying to get all the roads done. Neither your road nor your safety is any more important than anyone else’s. Even if your son is an idiot. The salt crews can do many things but they can’t save him from natural selection.
Her ranting continued for some time till I was able to calm her down and convince her I really would call and tell the salt trucks to, you know, salt.
Yes, I am uncaring and insensitive. I get that way when I’m around stupid. It makes me itch.
I Never Knew
SC: “Hi, its Tom from Air Canada. I have some passengers here that don’t speak English in Montreal. Can you get a room for them?”
Me: “Sure, I can put them at such and such for $79.”
SC: “Ok, just one sec……<to the passengers in the background> they say they can put you at such and such hotel for $79. Is that ok?”
….. hey, you may as well put them on the line. Apparently, I’m fluently bilingual.
Who?
Me: "Ok, and what's the problem with the system?"
SC: “Yeah, when I came in this morning there was a note from Glenn on the till.”
Glenn? Who’s Glenn? Am I suppose to know Glenn? You speak as if I should know of this Glenn. Am I missing something? I haven’t read the news in a day or two. Did Glenn descend from the Heavens yesterday and declare himself Lord and Master of all he sees? Am I suppose to be worshiping him to avoid an eternal hellfire of damnation and Brittney Spears Greatest Hits?
Damn, I’m soooo screwed…
Heads Up
FYI, “pacific time” is now “ya’ll time”. For example: “so at 8am ya’ll time?” or “So the west coast is on ya’ll time?”
Just a heads up.
It's HIDEOUS
This isn't really it but its the same style. Thank you Google:
I see we have new carpet in the hallway. New….hideous…carpet. Carpet that looks like it killed and devoured several other, lesser carpets of various colours which do not complement each other in any way shape or form.
I shall call this hideous amalgamation of fibers “Legion” and all shall tremble at it's coming.
A Word If You Would
Me: “Good evening, <company>. Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “I missed my flight and now I’m stuck in the airport for the evening.”
Me: “Ok, are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “The next flight out isn’t until tomorrow morning around 8am”
Me: “Alright, but are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “So I’m going to try and catch that flight-“
Hello? Earth to vaguely lucid monkey boy? This isn’t Dear Abby. Stop dribbling about your personal problems and answer the question so that we may move to phase 2. Which is either A) I find you a room or B) I politely tell you to go to hell as you have the wrong number.
America to the Rescue
( Embassy emergency line )
Thank you for your utterly raving batshit mad news update on Pakistan. You seemed so excited and really into it so I didn’t have the heart to interrupt. Especially the part where you fervently urged me to radio Washington for a chopper to save Musharraf. The only problem is you seem to have Musharraf completely confused with Bhutto. In which case I’m afraid you’re a bit late and I have some rather bad news for you.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Hello, Cindy Sterling. You don’t know me. We’ve never spoken before. I’m the operator that was forced to transcribe the small novel’s worth of your inane rambling on <company's> pager. You dribbled your way through 3 paragraphs, all of which I had to note as being too long, check voicemail because they exceeded the pager's text buffer and all of which were cut off by the time limit of the voice mail itself. In total you were cut off 3 times and STILL did not managed to blather out everything you were attempting to say. Luckily you accepted defeat and did not call a 4th time. However, for future reference, you may wish to pass along only the message you wish to leave. Not every possible circumstance around why you’re leaving the message, how the message feels about being left, what the message’s horoscope is and what the message had for breakfast that led to the message feeling the way the message did when you left it.
and there you have my week. -.-
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