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Wherein I start talking back and someone gets their rocks off. ( Lengthy... )
Oi, my favourite raging anti-American lunatic was on a roll the other night and I had 0 patience left for his tomfoolery. All of his calls happened in one shift over the course of an hour or so.
Hot Tips for America #1
SC: “Yeah, I have a message you can give to George Bush. He’s gotta, uh, remand all of the <insane rambling> or he’s going to Hell!“
Me: “Right, I’ll email it to him.”
I’m sure he’ll get on it ASAP. Though it is rather hard to find time between Jello pops and Wii Bowling.
Hot Tips for America #2
SC: “Yeah, I just wanted to tell you about what’s going on in the NHL in all the locker rooms-“
Me: “Wait, NHL?”
SC: “Yeah, they’re all in the locker rooms and they have to get their rocks off you know and-“
Me: “What does getting your rocks off in the locker room have to do with <client>?!”
SC: “Uh, well, yeah, I just wanted to tell you about it.”
Well, thanks for the heads up. That made my night. Heck even on the Skytrain in I was thinking “Oh boy, I wonder if some raging crack head will call and tell me about big, sweaty naked men fondling themselves and/or each other in a locker room! That would be ever so swell!”
Hot Tips for America #3
SC: “Yeah, Christ gave me a message for you-“
Me: “Oh good. Did he call? Or was it an email?”
SC: “He said-“
Me: “Was it a text message then?”
Inquiring minds want to know. Does he use Fido or Telus? What’s his ring tone? I bet it's Rick Astley.
Hot Tips for America #4
SC: “Christ told me to brainwash the Green Berets. I’m a high priest and-“
Me: “Ok, a high priest of WHAT?!”
Sadly, he did not answer. So I’m forced to figure it out my own. After much deliberation I’ve come to the conclusion “High Priest of Crystal Meth”.
Hot Tips for America #5
SC: “Yeah, I just want to tell you about what they’re doing in the NHL locker rooms and-“
Me: “Didn’t we already cover this?”
SC: “Uh, well yeah like they’re getting their rocks off in the locker rooms and then they have to play the Midnight Cowboys”
Me: “There’s no team called the Midnight Cowboys.”
SC: “Umm….bye.”
At least I’m praying to God you were talking about a team. Because I’m not entirely sure what kind of euphemism “playing Midnight Cowboy” would be or exactly what it would entail but something tells me I wouldn’t want to know. Ever.
Hot Tips for America #6
SC: “Yeah, I just wanna tell ya about this cult that’s in Vancouver and it’s like a cult of Pickering and-“
Me: “Ok look, are you done proving Darwin wrong yet?”
SC: ".....ummm..."
Me: "....."
SC: ".....<click>"
What? I thought it was a perfectly valid question.
Valid Forms of Payment
Me: “and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Whichever one I pull out first.”
Well, ok. But I should warn you we don’t except Subway Stamps or “Female Body Inspector”.
Amen
Me: “and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Oh, geez, let me go get my purse….”
BG: “(voice in background) I TOLD YOU TO HAVE YOUR PURSE AND VISA READY BEFORE YOU CALLED!”
Ya! You tell em angry voice in the background whom I fully agree with but am not allowed to say so myself or I’ll be fired.
Your Boss Sucks
Ok, Tom from <company>, you have a massive system down emergency. Every station is down. None of your employees can clock in, put in service cases, etc etc. Your operators can’t log on. Your entire business has ground to a halt. You tore the face off of some coworker that tried to ask you something while you were on the line with me. But when we got to your phone number….apparently that was too big of a hassle and not worth the trouble of giving to save your entire business. So you just told me off and hung up on me.
Sometime later a meeker, cowering employee from your office called in to report the same system down. When I inquired as to exactly what had occurred with the previous call he whispered “Um….we have a lot of, er, problems here.”.
Yes, I noticed.
I Counted
Your name has 23 letters. 23. I hate your parents.
Fun With Temps
We've had a number of temps in every night lately and they're here till midnight. One of them joked about a caller "signing her life away" by signing up for a subscription on a call which prompted this exchange:
( TG for Temp Girl. ;p )
Me: "I already signed my life away when I was hired here."
TG: "Did they really make you sign something?"
Me: "Yes, we have to sign confidentiality agreements and what not."
TG: "Wow, they didn't make me sign anything...."
Me: "Good! You can go for help!"
867 - A New Winner
I have now born witness to a fashion tragedy even more horrific then pink camo.
Pink Suede.
A Pink Suede JACKET at that.
Finally, we agree on something.
Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “Yeah, can I get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “I need a cab at blah blah street”
Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “So can we get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “……”
Me: “……”
SC: “……fuck.”
I concur.
Nekomimi Mode
SC: “That’s G as in Girl, L as in Lucky, C as in Cat, U as in, um…Umbrella, E as in….Eh”
How very Canadian of you. Though I have to deduct points for lack of effort as you only used 2 letters. Still, you’re painting a rather curious picture. Lucky cat girl umbrella, eh? I’m not sure you could find a cat girl umbrella in Canada. Japan maybe. You can find a cat girl on anything in Japan. Cloths, purses, furniture, posters, appliances, toast, you name it, they probably have a cat girl on it. Heck, I think there’s one on their flag.
867
Psst, winter’s over. You don’t need to stock up by ordering half the catalogue anymore. It’s ok, relax. Put the catalogue down. The thaw is upon us, rejoice. Now you may go about gathering nuts, berries and Coors Light without being impeded by the bitter winds, snows and ice that plague your lands.
Well, ok, I’m lying. Judging from the Google satellite images of where you live, “Summer” is when the temperature only goes below 0 in single digits. So I guess I don’t really have much of an argument. I just hate and resent you for making me talk to you or anyone related to you for any length of time. Therefore I’m taking a moment out my clearly busy schedule to mock you. You should be thankful. My resentment is precious and stretched thin enough as is.
Oh really?
SC: “I have a customer service emergency!”
A customer service….emergency? ……hah! Hahaha! Bahahahah <cough> whew. Oh man, I needed that...Er, no no, go on. I care, I really do. Honestly. No, please, by all means, continue.
You Sir, are a Dick
SC: “So, you’re the lucky one that gets to stay up all night?”
So, you’re the lucky one that gets to bare the silent weight of my bitter hatred all night?
Lingo
SC: “Then the screen comes up with all this gobblygook.”
Whoa, whoa, slow down there poindexter. We’re not all brainiac computer nerd lords like you. You’re going to have to drop the big technical words and give it to me in layman’s terms.
867
I have no idea how to put this, but I think I seriously just talked to a gremlin. It wanted pants.
Wild Kingdom
SC: “There’s an alarm going off outside. It’s been going off for the last 15 minutes!”
Me: “What kind of alarm is it?”
SC: “I don’t know! I’m not going out there!”
Me: “Alright, w-“
SC: “It’s like a big red bell and its ringing.”
Me: “Wait….you mean the fire alarm?”
SC: “That’s the fire alarm?!”
Ever get the feeling you’ve accidentally interfered with natural selection? I need to stay back and let nature take its course like those wild life documentary film crews. I'll just hide back here behind the bush and cue the "danger" music when Mr Lion starts getting close.
Thesis
Ok, let me clue you in as to how this whole thing works:
1) You call us. Hi!
2) We find a hotel that offers distressed rates to stranded passengers in the city you have been unceremoniously and unapologically dumped in by American Airlines.
3) We book you a room at that hotel.
4) You go to that hotel and enjoy a discounted rate.
5) Check in.
6) Relax. Have a good cry, cut yourself in the bathroom while listening to the Cure or watch nudie movies on pay per view. Whichever option works for you.
7) Sleep.
However, you have chosen this order instead:
1) Completely ignore the instructions and advice from the airline personnel. Fuck them, its not like they know how their own system for lodging stranded passengers works or anything.
2) Take hotel voucher.
3) Drive to the hotel YOU want to stay at.
4) Demand that hotel give you a discounted rate and accept the voucher. They do not and have no idea wtf you're talking about.
5) Call me and demand that I somehow make the hotel give you a discount.
6) Having now aggravated as many people as is humanly possible and fed upon their sorrow, return to your car.
7) With enough nourishment now stored in your 4 stomachs, spin a cocoon from silk glands in your ass and evolve to your next life cycle from Jackass to Raging Asshole.
Ok, the last step is merely conjecture on my part. But based upon all the evidence I think it’s a feasible theory.
867 - A Challenger Appears. Again.
Ok, first there was Pink Camo. Which was finally usurped by Pink Suede…<shiver>. Now we have another new contender:
Pink Latte. Pink Latte. Pink. Latte.
The Depths of Human Stupidity
Ok, I just spend 15 minutes with you trying to find an item you wanted. The first item you asked for was no problem. The second item you asked for….not in my account catalogue. At all. Odd. You told me you found it in the “Spring 2008” catalogue on page such and such. I diligently searched the Spring 2008 catalogue and could not locate this item you seek. I asked you to name it, then searched the whole catalogue myself attempting to find it. I tried searching the website for it in case it was a web only clearance item. Nope. The item was no where to be found.
You began to rant and whine at length about why would we send you a catalogue you can’t order from and blah blah blah piss piss moan gripe. You read off the catalogue to me again over and over getting pissier with each pass. You described the front of the catalogue......which was oddly different then the front of my 2008 Spring catalogue. However, I could not explain why this was so you firmly blamed this discrepancy on me. Then you described the catalogue one more time….and read out the rest of the title.
Turns out you were trying to order an item from a catalogue from an entirely different fscking company. Seeing as you had both this AND our catalogue you clearly could have realized this yourself if you had taken even 30 seconds to find the two last living, clearly overworked brain cells in your head and rubbed them together for warmth till they managed to thaw out a clue. You colossal, festering, dull-witted, mailbox fucking genetic failure of a land walrus.
Well, I'm halfway through my work week. How's everyone else's going? =p
Hot Tips for America #1
SC: “Yeah, I have a message you can give to George Bush. He’s gotta, uh, remand all of the <insane rambling> or he’s going to Hell!“
Me: “Right, I’ll email it to him.”
I’m sure he’ll get on it ASAP. Though it is rather hard to find time between Jello pops and Wii Bowling.
Hot Tips for America #2
SC: “Yeah, I just wanted to tell you about what’s going on in the NHL in all the locker rooms-“
Me: “Wait, NHL?”
SC: “Yeah, they’re all in the locker rooms and they have to get their rocks off you know and-“
Me: “What does getting your rocks off in the locker room have to do with <client>?!”
SC: “Uh, well, yeah, I just wanted to tell you about it.”
Well, thanks for the heads up. That made my night. Heck even on the Skytrain in I was thinking “Oh boy, I wonder if some raging crack head will call and tell me about big, sweaty naked men fondling themselves and/or each other in a locker room! That would be ever so swell!”
Hot Tips for America #3
SC: “Yeah, Christ gave me a message for you-“
Me: “Oh good. Did he call? Or was it an email?”
SC: “He said-“
Me: “Was it a text message then?”
Inquiring minds want to know. Does he use Fido or Telus? What’s his ring tone? I bet it's Rick Astley.
Hot Tips for America #4
SC: “Christ told me to brainwash the Green Berets. I’m a high priest and-“
Me: “Ok, a high priest of WHAT?!”
Sadly, he did not answer. So I’m forced to figure it out my own. After much deliberation I’ve come to the conclusion “High Priest of Crystal Meth”.
Hot Tips for America #5
SC: “Yeah, I just want to tell you about what they’re doing in the NHL locker rooms and-“
Me: “Didn’t we already cover this?”
SC: “Uh, well yeah like they’re getting their rocks off in the locker rooms and then they have to play the Midnight Cowboys”
Me: “There’s no team called the Midnight Cowboys.”
SC: “Umm….bye.”
At least I’m praying to God you were talking about a team. Because I’m not entirely sure what kind of euphemism “playing Midnight Cowboy” would be or exactly what it would entail but something tells me I wouldn’t want to know. Ever.
Hot Tips for America #6
SC: “Yeah, I just wanna tell ya about this cult that’s in Vancouver and it’s like a cult of Pickering and-“
Me: “Ok look, are you done proving Darwin wrong yet?”
SC: ".....ummm..."
Me: "....."
SC: ".....<click>"
What? I thought it was a perfectly valid question.
Valid Forms of Payment
Me: “and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Whichever one I pull out first.”
Well, ok. But I should warn you we don’t except Subway Stamps or “Female Body Inspector”.
Amen
Me: “and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Oh, geez, let me go get my purse….”
BG: “(voice in background) I TOLD YOU TO HAVE YOUR PURSE AND VISA READY BEFORE YOU CALLED!”
Ya! You tell em angry voice in the background whom I fully agree with but am not allowed to say so myself or I’ll be fired.
Your Boss Sucks
Ok, Tom from <company>, you have a massive system down emergency. Every station is down. None of your employees can clock in, put in service cases, etc etc. Your operators can’t log on. Your entire business has ground to a halt. You tore the face off of some coworker that tried to ask you something while you were on the line with me. But when we got to your phone number….apparently that was too big of a hassle and not worth the trouble of giving to save your entire business. So you just told me off and hung up on me.
Sometime later a meeker, cowering employee from your office called in to report the same system down. When I inquired as to exactly what had occurred with the previous call he whispered “Um….we have a lot of, er, problems here.”.
Yes, I noticed.
I Counted
Your name has 23 letters. 23. I hate your parents.
Fun With Temps
We've had a number of temps in every night lately and they're here till midnight. One of them joked about a caller "signing her life away" by signing up for a subscription on a call which prompted this exchange:
( TG for Temp Girl. ;p )
Me: "I already signed my life away when I was hired here."
TG: "Did they really make you sign something?"
Me: "Yes, we have to sign confidentiality agreements and what not."
TG: "Wow, they didn't make me sign anything...."
Me: "Good! You can go for help!"
867 - A New Winner
I have now born witness to a fashion tragedy even more horrific then pink camo.
Pink Suede.
A Pink Suede JACKET at that.
Finally, we agree on something.
Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “Yeah, can I get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “I need a cab at blah blah street”
Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “So can we get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “……”
Me: “……”
SC: “……fuck.”
I concur.
Nekomimi Mode
SC: “That’s G as in Girl, L as in Lucky, C as in Cat, U as in, um…Umbrella, E as in….Eh”
How very Canadian of you. Though I have to deduct points for lack of effort as you only used 2 letters. Still, you’re painting a rather curious picture. Lucky cat girl umbrella, eh? I’m not sure you could find a cat girl umbrella in Canada. Japan maybe. You can find a cat girl on anything in Japan. Cloths, purses, furniture, posters, appliances, toast, you name it, they probably have a cat girl on it. Heck, I think there’s one on their flag.
867
Psst, winter’s over. You don’t need to stock up by ordering half the catalogue anymore. It’s ok, relax. Put the catalogue down. The thaw is upon us, rejoice. Now you may go about gathering nuts, berries and Coors Light without being impeded by the bitter winds, snows and ice that plague your lands.
Well, ok, I’m lying. Judging from the Google satellite images of where you live, “Summer” is when the temperature only goes below 0 in single digits. So I guess I don’t really have much of an argument. I just hate and resent you for making me talk to you or anyone related to you for any length of time. Therefore I’m taking a moment out my clearly busy schedule to mock you. You should be thankful. My resentment is precious and stretched thin enough as is.
Oh really?
SC: “I have a customer service emergency!”
A customer service….emergency? ……hah! Hahaha! Bahahahah <cough> whew. Oh man, I needed that...Er, no no, go on. I care, I really do. Honestly. No, please, by all means, continue.
You Sir, are a Dick
SC: “So, you’re the lucky one that gets to stay up all night?”
So, you’re the lucky one that gets to bare the silent weight of my bitter hatred all night?
Lingo
SC: “Then the screen comes up with all this gobblygook.”
Whoa, whoa, slow down there poindexter. We’re not all brainiac computer nerd lords like you. You’re going to have to drop the big technical words and give it to me in layman’s terms.
867
I have no idea how to put this, but I think I seriously just talked to a gremlin. It wanted pants.
Wild Kingdom
SC: “There’s an alarm going off outside. It’s been going off for the last 15 minutes!”
Me: “What kind of alarm is it?”
SC: “I don’t know! I’m not going out there!”
Me: “Alright, w-“
SC: “It’s like a big red bell and its ringing.”
Me: “Wait….you mean the fire alarm?”
SC: “That’s the fire alarm?!”
Ever get the feeling you’ve accidentally interfered with natural selection? I need to stay back and let nature take its course like those wild life documentary film crews. I'll just hide back here behind the bush and cue the "danger" music when Mr Lion starts getting close.
Thesis
Ok, let me clue you in as to how this whole thing works:
1) You call us. Hi!
2) We find a hotel that offers distressed rates to stranded passengers in the city you have been unceremoniously and unapologically dumped in by American Airlines.
3) We book you a room at that hotel.
4) You go to that hotel and enjoy a discounted rate.
5) Check in.
6) Relax. Have a good cry, cut yourself in the bathroom while listening to the Cure or watch nudie movies on pay per view. Whichever option works for you.
7) Sleep.
However, you have chosen this order instead:
1) Completely ignore the instructions and advice from the airline personnel. Fuck them, its not like they know how their own system for lodging stranded passengers works or anything.
2) Take hotel voucher.
3) Drive to the hotel YOU want to stay at.
4) Demand that hotel give you a discounted rate and accept the voucher. They do not and have no idea wtf you're talking about.
5) Call me and demand that I somehow make the hotel give you a discount.
6) Having now aggravated as many people as is humanly possible and fed upon their sorrow, return to your car.
7) With enough nourishment now stored in your 4 stomachs, spin a cocoon from silk glands in your ass and evolve to your next life cycle from Jackass to Raging Asshole.
Ok, the last step is merely conjecture on my part. But based upon all the evidence I think it’s a feasible theory.
867 - A Challenger Appears. Again.
Ok, first there was Pink Camo. Which was finally usurped by Pink Suede…<shiver>. Now we have another new contender:
Pink Latte. Pink Latte. Pink. Latte.
The Depths of Human Stupidity
Ok, I just spend 15 minutes with you trying to find an item you wanted. The first item you asked for was no problem. The second item you asked for….not in my account catalogue. At all. Odd. You told me you found it in the “Spring 2008” catalogue on page such and such. I diligently searched the Spring 2008 catalogue and could not locate this item you seek. I asked you to name it, then searched the whole catalogue myself attempting to find it. I tried searching the website for it in case it was a web only clearance item. Nope. The item was no where to be found.
You began to rant and whine at length about why would we send you a catalogue you can’t order from and blah blah blah piss piss moan gripe. You read off the catalogue to me again over and over getting pissier with each pass. You described the front of the catalogue......which was oddly different then the front of my 2008 Spring catalogue. However, I could not explain why this was so you firmly blamed this discrepancy on me. Then you described the catalogue one more time….and read out the rest of the title.
Turns out you were trying to order an item from a catalogue from an entirely different fscking company. Seeing as you had both this AND our catalogue you clearly could have realized this yourself if you had taken even 30 seconds to find the two last living, clearly overworked brain cells in your head and rubbed them together for warmth till they managed to thaw out a clue. You colossal, festering, dull-witted, mailbox fucking genetic failure of a land walrus.
Well, I'm halfway through my work week. How's everyone else's going? =p
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