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Hot Tips for America guy would not leave me the hell alone last night. 7 hours worth of it. 7 hours! ><
You can actually see me move slowly from bemusement to insanity to rage. ;p
Hot Tips for America #1
SC: “Yeah, I’m also a talent scout for Warner Bros and I think Bush is one of the world’s greatest entertainers. He should forget about politics, he has a bright future in showbiz.”
Me: “….well, I can’t really disagree he should forgot about politics, but-“
SC: “He has a bright future in gay porn.”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
Me: “…I don’t think Warner Brothers covers gay porn.”
SC: “Well, you talk to him and see if you can get him into it.”
Me: “…..”
SC: “…..”
Me: “Sure, what the Hell. I’ll do that.”
SC: “Great, thanks. Talk to you later, bye.”
I’m not entirely sure how I’ll tell him. I don’t think Hallmark makes a card for this, do they? You know, something with “To a very special President” on the front then “Hey, have you ever considered a career in pornography? Love, GK.” on the inside. Maybe it could play a song when you open it. Perhaps “Like a Virgin” or something.
Hot Tips for America #2
SC: “Hey what if Europe was like all one big country and there was no jails, no serial killers, no terrorists, no pedophiles, no taxes. Would you like to see that?”
Me: “……”
SC: “…..ok, bye.”
Me: “What. The. Hell?”
That sounds oddly like Alberta come to think of it.
Hot Tips for America #3
SC: “Hey, I have a message from Jesus. Tell the Queen its bedtime for Bonzo.”
Me: “….ok.”
So not only do I apparently have a direct line to Bush, but I also have one to the Queen. Wow. I need to pay more attention to the account directory.
Hot Tips for America #4
SC: “Yeah you always see Prince Harry and he’s happy. But how happy is Happy Harry really? Happy Harry is so happy he looks like he was hit by a bus. That’s what happy means in French. Hit by a bus.”
Ok, I’ll give you a point there. It made absolutely no sense but it made me laugh. Have a cookie.
Hot Tips for America #5
SC: “The only way to win the war in Afghanistan is to send in the Dirty Dozen.”
Even if we did round up any of the cast members that were still alive, I doubt they could do much to turn the tide. Hell, come to think of it, are any of the cast members still alive? Oh, wait, wait, Donald Sutherland is still alive. But he’s not really that scary….or mobile. The poor guy’s 72, leave him alone. He needs a <other client that makes senior accessible shower/baths>’s brochure, not an embroiled ground war.
Hot Tips for America #6
SC: “Bush gets his best coke from Columbia!”
Well, duh.
Hot Tips for America #7
SC: “You know Hollywood never actually got Geronimo’s photograph.”
Me: “Ok, what in the world are you smoking tonight anyway?”
I’m assuming you’re supporting BC’s fine…er….. local….produce.
Hot Tips for America #8
SC: “You know what GST stands for in Algebra? It sounds for Grand Smoking Transvestite.”
Me: “….I’m pretty sure that’s not what GST stands for in Algebra.”
SC: “So when you’re buying smoke’s at a Mohawk, just remember they all have cum on them.”
…..gyah! Well, luckily I don’t smoke. But still, GAH! <shudder>
Hot Tips for America #9
SC: “So what if the Pope like, built a time machine and w-“
Me: “I gleefully await the night when you say something that justifies me sending the Feds after you.”
SC: “……..and like, he went back in time to-“
Me: “Please don’t disappoint me.”
Come on, couldn’t you just threaten Bush once or something? Just once? For me? I’ll be your best friend. Provided Gitmo has visiting hours anyway.
Hot Tips for America #10
SC: “If you burn a $5 as an offering to Christ you might get supernatural powers.”
Me: “What, like X-Ray Vision?”
Sweet! Just $5? …damn, I don’t have a $5. But I have a $20. What can I get for a $20? Heat vision?
Hot Tips for America #11
SC: “Yeah, did you see they had like an interview in Hustler magazine with George Bush? And he was like in space-“
Me: “Snuffleupagus is my co-pilot.”
Oddly, he started calling a lot less frequently after this.
Hot Tips for America #12
SC: “Yeah, did you hear what’s happening in the NHL? They all like get their rocks off in the locker rooms-“
Me: “You seem really obsessed with this whole getting rocks off in a locker room thing.”
Seriously, it’s the only theme you keep coming back too. Large, sweaty men getting their rocks off in a locker room.
Hot Tips for America #13
SC: “Yeah, I figured out the book of Revelations and Hollywood is the whore of Babylon.”
Me: “No no, that’s Paris Hilton.”
SC:“…….Hollywood is the whore of Babylon and-“
No one appreciates my sense of humour.
Hot Tips for America #14
SC: “Yeah the Afghan secret service has like spies everywhere in the US and Canada an-“
Me: “Blah blah blah blah blah”
This ceased being entertaining 3 hours ago. Please stop.
Hot Tips for America #15
SC: “Yeah, I have a message from Jesus, tell the Queen its bedtime for Bonzo”
Me: “Now we’re just airing reruns.”
I’ve finally run the crazy meth head out of ideas. Go me.
Hot Tips for America #16
SC: “Yeah can I tell you about what’s going on in the NBA in the locker rooms. The guy’s are getting their rocks off and-“
Me: “Why are you so fixated on men getting their rocks off?!”
SC: “Because I’m a high priest of the Catholic church.”
Er....well, ok, I guess I can’t really argue with that.
Hot Tips for America #17
SC: “All the women in Vancouver are transvestites, you need to come to Montreal where the women are real.”
They are? But that mean’s I’ve been…..with the…..oh wow, I really have to pay more attention.
Hot Tips for America #18
SC: “Do you know Gordan Campbell has a glass eye and he uses to get free drinks and h-“
Me: “DUDE, GO TO BED!”
SC: “er..ah! <click>”
Wow, what the Hell? That actually worked? If I would have known I’d have done that 7 hours ago.
Hot Tips for America #19
SC: “Yeah, if you wanna know how to take out Putin you ju-“
Me: “Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?!”
SC: “you just hav-“
Me: “Go!”
SC: “and-“
Me: “Go away!”
SC: “that-“
Me: “SHOO!”
SC: “<click>”
Ha HA! I have found your weakness! Victory is within my grasp!
( and indeed, it truly was. For this was the last time he called. )
Where's Waldo
( Lawyer's office )
SC: “My boyfriend was taken away by the cops. Do you know where he is?!”
Me: “Ok, is he a client of ours?”
SC: “No, I just found this number in the Yellow Pages.”
Me: “….I’m sorry, we wouldn’t know where he is then.”
SC: “This isn’t a jail?”
Me: “….no.”
So not only did you think you could randomly call up anyone under Law in the Yellow Pages to divine the location of your unwashed sperm donor, but you also seem to think that jails take out ads in the Yellow Pages? I’m kind of sad the cops left you behind. Surely there must be something they could have locked you away for too? DUI? Possession? Indecent exposure? Soliciting a minor? Soliciting livestock? Stop me if I’m getting warm.
My childhood fails me
Me: “Ok, and what news paper did you see it in?”
SC: “It was in the Oxford Herald.”
Me: “Ok, t-“
SC: “It’s a local paper around here. Everyone gets it. Mrs Grey went to Mr Black, Mr Black went to Mrs White and Mrs White went you know where, ya know?”
No, no I don’t. In fact I haven’t even the faintest idea what in the Hell you’re talking about. As I’ve mentioned before I was, in fact, spawned in the Maritimes and I’m familiar with many of the dialects and sayings. But that didn’t even register on the radar against my myriad cultural background. Therefore I’m just going to have to assume you’re kind of an idiot, ignore everything you just said and move on with the call. No hard feelings.
You know, that thing
SC: “Yes, we were flying in to Phoenix and then the, the…um…..the what do you call it……um……oh, the plane, yeah”
I was about to suggest “Magic flying iron bird machine ” but you’re right, plane is better.
It Was What Now?
SC: “My flight was misconnected”
Your flight was…..misconnected? What the hell does that even mean? Did you depart for Miami then upon arrival the pilot came on the intercom and went “Oh &*(@$, I think this is Las Vegas!”?
An Arduous Task
Me: “Ok, do you have a pen or something to write with handy?”
SC: “Um, I have two of us here.”
Two of you? I’m not sure if that’ll be enough. One of you can hold the pen and the other can hold the paper, but you’ll still need someone to cheer on the first two and someone to wipe the sweat off the brow of the pen holder halfway through the confirmation number.
No sir, 2 won’t do, it won’t do at all. You’re tragically understaffed for the complex request I am asking of you. Please seek additional assistance and phone back.
Days off now, thank Buddha. ><
You can actually see me move slowly from bemusement to insanity to rage. ;p
Hot Tips for America #1
SC: “Yeah, I’m also a talent scout for Warner Bros and I think Bush is one of the world’s greatest entertainers. He should forget about politics, he has a bright future in showbiz.”
Me: “….well, I can’t really disagree he should forgot about politics, but-“
SC: “He has a bright future in gay porn.”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
Me: “…I don’t think Warner Brothers covers gay porn.”
SC: “Well, you talk to him and see if you can get him into it.”
Me: “…..”
SC: “…..”
Me: “Sure, what the Hell. I’ll do that.”
SC: “Great, thanks. Talk to you later, bye.”
I’m not entirely sure how I’ll tell him. I don’t think Hallmark makes a card for this, do they? You know, something with “To a very special President” on the front then “Hey, have you ever considered a career in pornography? Love, GK.” on the inside. Maybe it could play a song when you open it. Perhaps “Like a Virgin” or something.
Hot Tips for America #2
SC: “Hey what if Europe was like all one big country and there was no jails, no serial killers, no terrorists, no pedophiles, no taxes. Would you like to see that?”
Me: “……”
SC: “…..ok, bye.”
Me: “What. The. Hell?”
That sounds oddly like Alberta come to think of it.
Hot Tips for America #3
SC: “Hey, I have a message from Jesus. Tell the Queen its bedtime for Bonzo.”
Me: “….ok.”
So not only do I apparently have a direct line to Bush, but I also have one to the Queen. Wow. I need to pay more attention to the account directory.
Hot Tips for America #4
SC: “Yeah you always see Prince Harry and he’s happy. But how happy is Happy Harry really? Happy Harry is so happy he looks like he was hit by a bus. That’s what happy means in French. Hit by a bus.”
Ok, I’ll give you a point there. It made absolutely no sense but it made me laugh. Have a cookie.
Hot Tips for America #5
SC: “The only way to win the war in Afghanistan is to send in the Dirty Dozen.”
Even if we did round up any of the cast members that were still alive, I doubt they could do much to turn the tide. Hell, come to think of it, are any of the cast members still alive? Oh, wait, wait, Donald Sutherland is still alive. But he’s not really that scary….or mobile. The poor guy’s 72, leave him alone. He needs a <other client that makes senior accessible shower/baths>’s brochure, not an embroiled ground war.
Hot Tips for America #6
SC: “Bush gets his best coke from Columbia!”
Well, duh.
Hot Tips for America #7
SC: “You know Hollywood never actually got Geronimo’s photograph.”
Me: “Ok, what in the world are you smoking tonight anyway?”
I’m assuming you’re supporting BC’s fine…er….. local….produce.
Hot Tips for America #8
SC: “You know what GST stands for in Algebra? It sounds for Grand Smoking Transvestite.”
Me: “….I’m pretty sure that’s not what GST stands for in Algebra.”
SC: “So when you’re buying smoke’s at a Mohawk, just remember they all have cum on them.”
…..gyah! Well, luckily I don’t smoke. But still, GAH! <shudder>
Hot Tips for America #9
SC: “So what if the Pope like, built a time machine and w-“
Me: “I gleefully await the night when you say something that justifies me sending the Feds after you.”
SC: “……..and like, he went back in time to-“
Me: “Please don’t disappoint me.”
Come on, couldn’t you just threaten Bush once or something? Just once? For me? I’ll be your best friend. Provided Gitmo has visiting hours anyway.
Hot Tips for America #10
SC: “If you burn a $5 as an offering to Christ you might get supernatural powers.”
Me: “What, like X-Ray Vision?”
Sweet! Just $5? …damn, I don’t have a $5. But I have a $20. What can I get for a $20? Heat vision?
Hot Tips for America #11
SC: “Yeah, did you see they had like an interview in Hustler magazine with George Bush? And he was like in space-“
Me: “Snuffleupagus is my co-pilot.”
Oddly, he started calling a lot less frequently after this.
Hot Tips for America #12
SC: “Yeah, did you hear what’s happening in the NHL? They all like get their rocks off in the locker rooms-“
Me: “You seem really obsessed with this whole getting rocks off in a locker room thing.”
Seriously, it’s the only theme you keep coming back too. Large, sweaty men getting their rocks off in a locker room.
Hot Tips for America #13
SC: “Yeah, I figured out the book of Revelations and Hollywood is the whore of Babylon.”
Me: “No no, that’s Paris Hilton.”
SC:“…….Hollywood is the whore of Babylon and-“
No one appreciates my sense of humour.
Hot Tips for America #14
SC: “Yeah the Afghan secret service has like spies everywhere in the US and Canada an-“
Me: “Blah blah blah blah blah”
This ceased being entertaining 3 hours ago. Please stop.
Hot Tips for America #15
SC: “Yeah, I have a message from Jesus, tell the Queen its bedtime for Bonzo”
Me: “Now we’re just airing reruns.”
I’ve finally run the crazy meth head out of ideas. Go me.
Hot Tips for America #16
SC: “Yeah can I tell you about what’s going on in the NBA in the locker rooms. The guy’s are getting their rocks off and-“
Me: “Why are you so fixated on men getting their rocks off?!”
SC: “Because I’m a high priest of the Catholic church.”
Er....well, ok, I guess I can’t really argue with that.
Hot Tips for America #17
SC: “All the women in Vancouver are transvestites, you need to come to Montreal where the women are real.”
They are? But that mean’s I’ve been…..with the…..oh wow, I really have to pay more attention.
Hot Tips for America #18
SC: “Do you know Gordan Campbell has a glass eye and he uses to get free drinks and h-“
Me: “DUDE, GO TO BED!”
SC: “er..ah! <click>”
Wow, what the Hell? That actually worked? If I would have known I’d have done that 7 hours ago.
Hot Tips for America #19
SC: “Yeah, if you wanna know how to take out Putin you ju-“
Me: “Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?!”
SC: “you just hav-“
Me: “Go!”
SC: “and-“
Me: “Go away!”
SC: “that-“
Me: “SHOO!”
SC: “<click>”
Ha HA! I have found your weakness! Victory is within my grasp!
( and indeed, it truly was. For this was the last time he called. )
Where's Waldo
( Lawyer's office )
SC: “My boyfriend was taken away by the cops. Do you know where he is?!”
Me: “Ok, is he a client of ours?”
SC: “No, I just found this number in the Yellow Pages.”
Me: “….I’m sorry, we wouldn’t know where he is then.”
SC: “This isn’t a jail?”
Me: “….no.”
So not only did you think you could randomly call up anyone under Law in the Yellow Pages to divine the location of your unwashed sperm donor, but you also seem to think that jails take out ads in the Yellow Pages? I’m kind of sad the cops left you behind. Surely there must be something they could have locked you away for too? DUI? Possession? Indecent exposure? Soliciting a minor? Soliciting livestock? Stop me if I’m getting warm.
My childhood fails me
Me: “Ok, and what news paper did you see it in?”
SC: “It was in the Oxford Herald.”
Me: “Ok, t-“
SC: “It’s a local paper around here. Everyone gets it. Mrs Grey went to Mr Black, Mr Black went to Mrs White and Mrs White went you know where, ya know?”
No, no I don’t. In fact I haven’t even the faintest idea what in the Hell you’re talking about. As I’ve mentioned before I was, in fact, spawned in the Maritimes and I’m familiar with many of the dialects and sayings. But that didn’t even register on the radar against my myriad cultural background. Therefore I’m just going to have to assume you’re kind of an idiot, ignore everything you just said and move on with the call. No hard feelings.
You know, that thing
SC: “Yes, we were flying in to Phoenix and then the, the…um…..the what do you call it……um……oh, the plane, yeah”
I was about to suggest “Magic flying iron bird machine ” but you’re right, plane is better.
It Was What Now?
SC: “My flight was misconnected”
Your flight was…..misconnected? What the hell does that even mean? Did you depart for Miami then upon arrival the pilot came on the intercom and went “Oh &*(@$, I think this is Las Vegas!”?
An Arduous Task
Me: “Ok, do you have a pen or something to write with handy?”
SC: “Um, I have two of us here.”
Two of you? I’m not sure if that’ll be enough. One of you can hold the pen and the other can hold the paper, but you’ll still need someone to cheer on the first two and someone to wipe the sweat off the brow of the pen holder halfway through the confirmation number.
No sir, 2 won’t do, it won’t do at all. You’re tragically understaffed for the complex request I am asking of you. Please seek additional assistance and phone back.
Days off now, thank Buddha. ><
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