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Hi thar!
So I've only made a couple of posts, so I should re-mention that I run a small pet supplies store that has fish but no other live animals.
Also, I have a really really annoying doorbell that screeches *dingdong* when people walk in, so I will just say *dingdong* to denote a customer walking in to the shop rather than always writing (customer walks in to shop).
Enjoy!
River in Egypt
*dingdong*
Me: Hi! Hey, I like your bag (I'm fairly informal at my shop, and this lady was a regular)
Lady: OH!! Guess where I got it!
Me: Where? (oh please, PLEASE TELL ME! I MUST KNOW!)
Lady: Vinnies! It was $2.50. But I Haggled them to $2! (Vinnies is a charity 2nd hand store)
Me: $2! That's pretty good!
Lady: Yeah I know! Classy, huh!
.... No. Not classy. As a matter of fact, anything but classy. Cool, yes. Bargain, yes. NOT. CLASSY. You know what, I'm just gonna go right ahead and say that classy is the last word you should have picked to describe your purchase. Below even the words expensive, spendthrifty, grandoise and aardvark.
Inspector of Lives
You know, sometimes I just get people in my store who aren't satisfied with a simple transactional conversation. They need to tell me more about their cat(s), budgie, fish, child, best friend's child/pet, or pesky liver disease. I'm not sure if there's just a lot of pathetic people in my town or if I'm just THAT approachable, but I spend a fair chunk of my day listening to stories I don't give a shit about. I've got your money, you've got my product, you can go home now.
Anyway, Tony is one of these people. EVERY TIME he comes in, he wants to make conversation. He uses awful segways too, something like:
Me: OK thanks a lot, have a good day!
Tony: Yeah! ...
Me: ......
Tony: I'll have a good day when I don't have to pay so much for petrol! (Yeah. Real seamless, Tony.)
Me: hehe, yeah.
Tony: Although I'm getting solar panels installed!
Me: Oh! That's a good idea
Tony: Did you know they have a 20 year life inspectancy?
He then proceeded to rabbit on for a further 15 minutes about solar panels and fishkeeping and petrol prices and god knows what else, I wasn't really listening because I was shuffling towards my office so I could write down what he just said before I forgot.
Strange Diseases #1
Now, this seems to only happen when the tourists from Sydney are down my way, because let's face it, people from sydney are soulless and impolite on a very good day.
Basically, Strange Diseases is a phenomenon which occurs when i ask a customer "hello, how are you?" and they answer something like "Fish food" instead of actually telling me how they are. Now I'm a rather romantic and optimistic lass, so I refuse to believe that people have ignored my polite question and moved on to telling me what they want without so much as acknowledging that I had asked said question. So instead, I choose to believe that they ARE answering my question, no matter what they have said.
This leads to some odd answers to the question "how are you?", so I can only assume they are telling me what's wrong with them. Observe:
*dingdong* [enter woman obviously from Sydney or possibly Melbourne]
Me: Hi, how are you?
SC: Pine shavings for mice.
Curious Nervous Dog
A lady came in today with the most adorable little fox terrier, now normally I'm not that impressed with animals, I don't automatically go "AMAGHAD HES SO CUUUUUTE!" But this guy was a Curious Nervous Dog. He was so nervous he was shaking uncontrollably, but he was also poking his head out to look at stuff, so he would constantly jump backwards and cower and then proceed to get curious about something else, move towards it, and then cower again. Pretty awesome.
Magneta
I encountered a mutant today. Now, I don't mean like a Total Recall mutant like that omniscient baby thing that grows out of your stomach, I mean like an X-men mutant.
She seemed completely normal at first, she just came in to ask for a couple of fish. My suspicions were aroused however, when the following conversation took place.
X: Are these plastic? (From the other room)
Me: (Still trying to catch fish) Sorry?
X: ARE THESE PLASTIC?
Ok, stop right there lady. First of all, I heard you the first time. My enquiry was not for you to repeat yourself, it was in fact me throwing you a bone and giving you time to realise how astronomically stupid your question was. Being in a seperate room and in the middle of catching goldfish, I have no way of knowing what "these" are.
However, it soon became clear that she had an ulterior motive for being cryptically idiotic.
Me: Are what plastic sorry?
X: ARE THEY PLASTIC?!
Oh. Oh, I see what's going on here! This is clearly an undercover female version of MAGNETO! Not only is she gathering intelligence on the materials in my store (presumably to ascertain which metallic items she can manipulate into some kind of weapon, because that's what magnetic supervillains do), but she seems to be under the impression that I am some kind of Professor X / Jean Gray / Phoenix type, and I have telepathic powers.
So either I pretend to be able to read her mind and somehow try and figure out what the fuck she is asking me, or I admit that I am NOT a mutant and have her probably kill me.
Fortunately, she must have thought better of her plans, because she conceded and told me "The ornaments@!!~".
That was a close one ><
You're Hired!
*Dingdong*
Girl about 16 with emo makeup wanders in, see's me and jumps.
16: Oh! You scared me!
Me:
16: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!
Me: ...........
16: Um, do yous have any job going?
OUTSTANDING! This is exactly what I have been looking for! A jittery 16 year old manic depressive, psychopathic, plurally challenged emo hag. Here's your badge!
Strange diseases #2
*dingdong*
Me: Hi, how are you today?
SC: Chicken Necks.
Moar later~
So I've only made a couple of posts, so I should re-mention that I run a small pet supplies store that has fish but no other live animals.
Also, I have a really really annoying doorbell that screeches *dingdong* when people walk in, so I will just say *dingdong* to denote a customer walking in to the shop rather than always writing (customer walks in to shop).
Enjoy!
River in Egypt
*dingdong*
Me: Hi! Hey, I like your bag (I'm fairly informal at my shop, and this lady was a regular)
Lady: OH!! Guess where I got it!
Me: Where? (oh please, PLEASE TELL ME! I MUST KNOW!)
Lady: Vinnies! It was $2.50. But I Haggled them to $2! (Vinnies is a charity 2nd hand store)
Me: $2! That's pretty good!
Lady: Yeah I know! Classy, huh!
.... No. Not classy. As a matter of fact, anything but classy. Cool, yes. Bargain, yes. NOT. CLASSY. You know what, I'm just gonna go right ahead and say that classy is the last word you should have picked to describe your purchase. Below even the words expensive, spendthrifty, grandoise and aardvark.
Inspector of Lives
You know, sometimes I just get people in my store who aren't satisfied with a simple transactional conversation. They need to tell me more about their cat(s), budgie, fish, child, best friend's child/pet, or pesky liver disease. I'm not sure if there's just a lot of pathetic people in my town or if I'm just THAT approachable, but I spend a fair chunk of my day listening to stories I don't give a shit about. I've got your money, you've got my product, you can go home now.
Anyway, Tony is one of these people. EVERY TIME he comes in, he wants to make conversation. He uses awful segways too, something like:
Me: OK thanks a lot, have a good day!
Tony: Yeah! ...
Me: ......
Tony: I'll have a good day when I don't have to pay so much for petrol! (Yeah. Real seamless, Tony.)
Me: hehe, yeah.
Tony: Although I'm getting solar panels installed!
Me: Oh! That's a good idea
Tony: Did you know they have a 20 year life inspectancy?
He then proceeded to rabbit on for a further 15 minutes about solar panels and fishkeeping and petrol prices and god knows what else, I wasn't really listening because I was shuffling towards my office so I could write down what he just said before I forgot.
Strange Diseases #1
Now, this seems to only happen when the tourists from Sydney are down my way, because let's face it, people from sydney are soulless and impolite on a very good day.
Basically, Strange Diseases is a phenomenon which occurs when i ask a customer "hello, how are you?" and they answer something like "Fish food" instead of actually telling me how they are. Now I'm a rather romantic and optimistic lass, so I refuse to believe that people have ignored my polite question and moved on to telling me what they want without so much as acknowledging that I had asked said question. So instead, I choose to believe that they ARE answering my question, no matter what they have said.
This leads to some odd answers to the question "how are you?", so I can only assume they are telling me what's wrong with them. Observe:
*dingdong* [enter woman obviously from Sydney or possibly Melbourne]
Me: Hi, how are you?
SC: Pine shavings for mice.
Curious Nervous Dog
A lady came in today with the most adorable little fox terrier, now normally I'm not that impressed with animals, I don't automatically go "AMAGHAD HES SO CUUUUUTE!" But this guy was a Curious Nervous Dog. He was so nervous he was shaking uncontrollably, but he was also poking his head out to look at stuff, so he would constantly jump backwards and cower and then proceed to get curious about something else, move towards it, and then cower again. Pretty awesome.
Magneta
I encountered a mutant today. Now, I don't mean like a Total Recall mutant like that omniscient baby thing that grows out of your stomach, I mean like an X-men mutant.
She seemed completely normal at first, she just came in to ask for a couple of fish. My suspicions were aroused however, when the following conversation took place.
X: Are these plastic? (From the other room)
Me: (Still trying to catch fish) Sorry?
X: ARE THESE PLASTIC?
Ok, stop right there lady. First of all, I heard you the first time. My enquiry was not for you to repeat yourself, it was in fact me throwing you a bone and giving you time to realise how astronomically stupid your question was. Being in a seperate room and in the middle of catching goldfish, I have no way of knowing what "these" are.
However, it soon became clear that she had an ulterior motive for being cryptically idiotic.
Me: Are what plastic sorry?
X: ARE THEY PLASTIC?!
Oh. Oh, I see what's going on here! This is clearly an undercover female version of MAGNETO! Not only is she gathering intelligence on the materials in my store (presumably to ascertain which metallic items she can manipulate into some kind of weapon, because that's what magnetic supervillains do), but she seems to be under the impression that I am some kind of Professor X / Jean Gray / Phoenix type, and I have telepathic powers.
So either I pretend to be able to read her mind and somehow try and figure out what the fuck she is asking me, or I admit that I am NOT a mutant and have her probably kill me.
Fortunately, she must have thought better of her plans, because she conceded and told me "The ornaments@!!~".
That was a close one ><
You're Hired!
*Dingdong*
Girl about 16 with emo makeup wanders in, see's me and jumps.
16: Oh! You scared me!
Me:
16: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!
Me: ...........
16: Um, do yous have any job going?
OUTSTANDING! This is exactly what I have been looking for! A jittery 16 year old manic depressive, psychopathic, plurally challenged emo hag. Here's your badge!
Strange diseases #2
*dingdong*
Me: Hi, how are you today?
SC: Chicken Necks.
Moar later~
at the Strange Diseases. I've had it occasionally where I work, where I'll say "hi, how are you today?" and the response is "just those three please" or "can we stop at $30?" 
: Hi, how are y--
: DEPENDS!
: I didn't need to know you had that problem...
It's $2.50 love! Not gonna break the bank, is it? How could you even THINK about haggling with a charity shop
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