The Dark Arts

[Jester]

The Snuggler. Any time you sit in any seat that has another seat next to it, you are at grave risk of encountering this creature.

This desperate individual will sit beside you and than do everything in their power to create as much direct physical as possible short of sliding their hand up your thigh.

While I don't often take public transit, when I did on a regular basis, it was an advantage to have my large backpack with me, as I always put it on the seat next to me, effectively keeping people away from me, especially the more undesirable ones, like the Loach and the Snuggler.

Of course, there were times when, due to large crowds, I was forced to move my pack so that someone might have that seat, but generally speaking, the vast numbers of people kept the odds in my favor against getting a Snuggler next to me. If the odds were not enough to keep such creatures at bay, once again my over-stuffed pack (you would be impressed with the shit I carry with me, folks) resting on my lap effectively eliminated most of the personal space they might have invaded.

I am well-armed against the Snuggler. Sadly, the Big Backpack Defense only works against the Loach if the transit system is empty enough for me to take up two seats.

The Second Dark Art: “What If”

This is where the rabid caller attempts to force you into their shoes by presenting you with a “what if” scenario.

Believe it or not, I get that behind the bar. Most frequently, it seems, in relation to Happy Hour. Typical conversation:

THEM: "When is Happy Hour?"
ME: "4-7 every day."
THEM: "What time is it now?"
ME: "3."
THEM: "What if you just pretend it's 4 already?"
ME: "Um, no."
THEM: "Why not?"
ME: "Because I like my job."
THEM: "We won't tell."
ME: "Neither will I."

Nor will I give you specials NOW that are not available till LATER, jackass. I do believe my boss might classify that as, oh, I dunno....STEALING. Now I realize that you don't care one fig newton about whether or not I get fired, or even whether or not I can pay rent, have electricity, and be able to buy food and not starve to death due to not having a job, but I DO. So, take your weaselly ass to some other, lamer bar where the prices are more to your liking and they're more willing to steal from their employer. They aren't hard to find. Just follow the stench of failure and defeat. And if there are no seats available, don't stress. Just push one of the local homeless bums off of his barstool. It's not like he's not used to it, you know. And hell, if he's already passed out, he won't even feel a thing.

[PepperElf]

The Second Dark Art: “What If”

waaaah-freakin-waaaah!

Hell i've had to sleep with an overhead light (3 long bulbs inside it) on, with the thing like 2 feet away from my face. Eye masks work wonders.

as for her apartment or wherever... um... room-darkening curtains.

[Broomjockey]

No, he's the main evil guy on Heroes. Yeah, that's the ticket. No more canned beans for Rubi tonight...

That's *Sylar* not *Skylar*. Just a point of order. Carry on with the thread.

[Nyoibo]

“People squeezing my boobs makes me sneeze.”

"Excuse me miss, but in the interests of science I would like to test that theory"


Oh, and please do keep us informed of the stalker situation.

[crashhelmet]

Hey GK, is this you at work?

[Nurian]

The Inside of my Mind Is Weird

Tonight, courtesy of the vending machine, I have learned that the French translation of “Zesty Cheese” is “Fromage Mordant”. Which, in all honesty, sounds like a Dwarven mine. And lo, their axe blades were forged of the finest mithril ore from the very depths of Fromage Mordant.

Damn you, GK!

[Talon]

Me: “I don’t care. I have never cared. I will not care at any point in the future.”
-.-

I have a better idea:
I do not care. I have never cared. And at the moment I do not care twice as much as I've never cared before!

[Polenicus]

Wow... I REALLY want to hear your voice now. Must be somethin' else if someone's fallen in love with you over it. ^_~

He has women HERE who would gladly MURDER this woman for him, and they've never actually heard his voice, just read his posts.

I like to dub this "The Gravekeeper Effect". Gravekeeper's desireability is inversely proportional to his actual attainability. So therefore, if he's just a voice on the phone, or a few paragraphs of text in a forum, far far away where you will never see him, women desire him madly. And if someone happens to be in the same vicinity as him, but is the wrong gender/species, they will likewise find him irresistable.

But, if they're cute, female, reasonably intelligent and in the room next to him, he might as well be the potted plant he's standing next to.

[the_std]

The Inside of my Mind Is Weird

Tonight, courtesy of the vending machine, I have learned that the French translation of “Zesty Cheese” is “Fromage Mordant”. Which, in all honesty, sounds like a Dwarven mine. And lo, their axe blades were forged of the finest mithril ore from the very depths of Fromage Mordant.

Just to add an extra bit of weirdness in here, "fromage mordant", directly translated, is "biting cheese".

[Nurian]

Just to add an extra bit of weirdness in here, "fromage mordant", directly translated, is "biting cheese".

Great. now it sounds like a really obscure monster in D&D.

[Samaliel]

The Dark Arts

[...]

The Second Dark Art: “What If”

The words "What If" only evoke two things to me :
1. That scene in the Monty Pythons' Holy Grail with the two utterly stupid guards;
2. Ridiculous comic books scenarios based on some equally ridiculous hypothesis, without any consequences in the main storyline. Not that it matters much anyway since, if given enough time, everything can (and probably will) be retconed.

Option one means FAIL.
Option two means "Yeah right, whatever."

Ew Again

[...]

You sir, need a hobby.

Or earplugs.

[Gravekeeper]

Great. now it sounds like a really obscure monster in D&D.

Hahaha, that almost made me check Fiend Folio. ;p

I know there was some sort of ridiculous square of Jello monster.

While I don't often take public transit, when I did on a regular basis, it was an advantage to have my large backpack with me, as I always put it on the seat next to me, effectively keeping people away from me, especially the more undesirable ones, like the Loach and the Snuggler.

I always have a back pack with me, but in some ridiculous remnant of actual courtesy I always put it down by my legs. Normally, no one sits next to you unless its busy. Whenever someone sits next to me when there are plenty of open seats its always a bit of a "ummm, dude?" moment.

Wow... I REALLY want to hear your voice now. Must be somethin' else if someone's fallen in love with you over it. ^_~

I assure you it sounds very normal....to me anyway. -.-

[AlmightyALT]

Dude.... I hope the Stalker issue clears up quickly! I love your posts. They make me grin so much. I can't really laugh because I usually read them in the teacher's room at work and I could get into trouble. I consider your posts (and all the others) advice for possible future jobs after I return from Japan.

As for the lady with the lights, come to Japan in spring! The weather is lovely, the sakura are blooming, and the sun rises at 4am! And what do I have to block the light streaming into my apartment (because my damn sliding glass doors face dead east (stupid architect!) , but shoji paper screens! Trust me when I say... "Night masks are your friends!"

[Velfarre2001]

TMI

SC: “I had a procedure with <doctor> earlier today….I don’t remember what it’s called. It involved a scope and a laser.”

Ok, stop right there. Please. <doctor> is a urologist. So I do not want nor need any details regarding any procedures you experienced at his likely uncomfortably cold hands. Especially not if it involved a scope and / or laser.

SC: “It was a called a ra….um, ra….something...”

STOP. Please do not give me any term that could be easily Googled. Because curiosity will eventually overcome me and than everything will be sadness and terror. Followed shortly by regret.

Actually the only thing it could be if it starts with ra isn't THAT bad or horrifying.

[Imogene]

That's *Sylar* not *Skylar*. Just a point of order.

Dang, so it's back to tins of beans for Rubi... *pouts*

THEM: "What if you just pretend it's 4 already?"

"Okay... hey, look, it's 4 o'clock! You want pretend beer for a buck?"

I know there was some sort of ridiculous square of Jello monster.

The gelatinous cube, other with known as a jelly, a slime.... yessir. you'll never see it coming, what with it being transparent and encasing rusting armor, maybe a treasure chest...