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It's Getting Harder....
( no not that ).....to keep my mouth shut. ><
You WHAT?
Me: "Alright, do your customer ID number?”
SC: “Oh, no, sorry. I just tore it up a minute ago.”
You…..what? You tore it up? I have heard many an excuse on these lines: I forgot it, I don’t know where it is, I don’t have it with me, the dog ate it, my son ate it, my husband ate it, I force fed it to my neighbour until he ate it, I left it beside the drive core on the mothership, etc, etc. But never “I just tore it up.”. As that would imply blatant stupidity. Whereas the other excuses are passable as merely negligence for the most part.
So you had the ID, the single coveted item which you know served a purpose and would make both of our lives much easier, and you willfully destroyed it? Perhaps out of some sort of self loathing or masochistic tendencies? In which case, you may in fact be deriving pleasure from the pain and inconvenience. However, I am not and I would thank you to not call me whilst bound with exotic leather restraints with something battery operated tickling your prostate.
I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut
Me: “Good evening, <client>”
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick”
Me: “Hello, Vick”
Uncle Vick! It’s been so long! How ya been, man?
SC: “Hey, listen.”
Me: “Do I have to?”
What? I thought it was perfectly valid question.
SC: “There are these people, from Australia, that probably have some information about the mob, and how far, uh, what their connections are and what their dealings are. I think you need to question these people.”
Me: “….you’d like us to question the Australians regarding the mafia?”
SC: “Well, uh, concerning how it effects your situation down south in Mexico-“
Me: “….you’d like us to question the Australians regarding the mafia regarding Mexico?”
SC: “Well, I find this all relevant.”
Me: “Well, at least someone does.”
SC: ".....what?"
Me: "I said, at least someone does."
SC: ".......heh...."
Oh, oh, I can hear the hurt in his voice there. YES. Your hurt feelings. Your crushed hopes. The sudden realization that nothing you say or do is important to anyone but yourself. BRING IT ALL TO ME so that I may drink them down my heartless parched gullet. Such sweetness. Such crisp sweetness. I must have more. MOAR.
SC: “…..Yeah. I honestly find the Hell’s Angels and the mob and the cartel all relevant. I use to work, well I didn’t work, I actually communicated with another agency. But, uh, I think its relevant that these people need to be questioned and find out where the relevancy is.”
Believe me when I say I’m desperately trying to find out where the relevancy is as well.
Me: "Ooook.”
SC: "The point, uh, I, I didn’t find out this stuff till after an arrest was made in Australia.”
Me: “Alright, I’ll……well, I don’t know what I’ll do with that, but whatever.”
SC: “Ok, these people can be found on <street>”
He even has a location for the Australians I must capture and question about the mafia about Mexico.
Me: “Right.”
SC: “Alright, bye.”
Me: "Bye bye now."
The absolute worst part about poor Uncle Vick is he really thinks he’s helping. Whether it’s helping catch Australians or offering his help to NASA to build a space shuttle, he seriously thinks he’s helping us. So he actually gets sad when it doesn’t sound like we care as much as he does.
Which we don’t of course.
Oh God
Me: “Good eveni-“
SC: “MY NAME IS FOXY and I wanna ordar low rise pants!”
Hello…Foxy, was it? And low rise pants? I’m not 100% sure what those are, but they do sound very classy. Let me see if I can find them here…….ah yes, I see. Hmmm, yes, very interesting product description....but very odd language. Let me see if I can translate it:
“Contrasting piping style"
It has a strip down the side. No, seriously, that’s all it is.
“Up to date look”
Look has existed since the 70’s. But we added hot pink.
“Low rise”
Doesn’t fit properly.
“Conforms to the female figure”
Doesn’t breath.
“Use the draw cord to just the fit so it’s just right.”
In the off event it does fit, yank this string till it doesn’t.
Me: “Ok, and your last name please?”
SC: "Rox."
Me: ".....Rox?
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: ".....and the first name is Foxy?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "........"
SC: "........"
Me: “….Foxy Rox?"
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “……..”
I suppose I should have been more specific. Can I please have your real name? Not your stage name? Actually, no, that’s mean, I take that back. I’ve spoken with the elder generation from your region and I really can believe they thought naming you that was a good idea.
They probably had high hopes for your future after growing up with the Muppet Show.
Whiskey Tango
SC: “Can I buy <product> in store?”
Me: "Yes, its available in store."
SC: “OH THANK YOU VERY MUCH”
Me: “Yo-“
SC: “GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY”
Me: “o-“
SC: “Do you need any beds?”
Me: “…..excuse me?”
SC: “We are a charity and we get many mattresses! We get them all for free!”
Me: “…….”
SC: “We have many kinds. Like Sealy Postropedic. WE HAVE MANY NICE MATTRESSES!!”
Me: “……..!?”
SC: “I give you our number. CALL US IF YOU NEED MATRESS!#~"
I….have no idea what’s going on now. Usually when you change topics in a conversation the new topic is within hopping distance of the last topic. That way you can easily hop over the stream of confusion and land safely on the next topic and continue your conversation. Unfortunately, lottery tickets and free mattresses are very far apart and I lack the jetpack required to make such a conversational leap. Thus, you have just happily shoved me into the raging rapids of bafflement and I am hurdling towards the waterfall of bewilderment at an alarming speed.
JESUS CHRIST
Me: “Good morning, <spiel>"“
SC: “YOU DO ROOFING$@?$!!”
Holy *(&%! Yes, yes we do roofing! Lots of roofing! Many much roofing! I can send you some if you want. Please, just don’t hurt me! Take whatever you want. I have some sample shingles around here somewhere. They’re very pretty and come of lots of different styles. I can mail them to you and you can make a funny hat. Just spare me, I beg you. Please, think of my cat.
SC: “I NEED JOB!?$!%”
I….I can’t help you there. No, wait! Please! Don’t hit me! I’m telling you the truth! I can’t help you! There are no jobs. It’s the economy’s fault! Blame him! I’d give you one if I could. Really! <sob>
On that note. Have I mentioned lately how happy I am to be A) Living in Canada and B) Gainfully employed at the wonderful company that is <my employer> and that I love you all? Especially any of you that have the power to terminate me?
No, wait! Please! I have cookies!
A Minor Setback
Me: “Ok, let me give you the number for the <Hotel> so you can call for a pick up.”
SC: “Oh, no, that’s ok. I’m already on the shuttle.”
Me: “…you’re already on the shuttle?”
SC: “Yes, I’m already on the shuttle for the <Hotel>.”
Me: “But there’s two <Hotels> in the city. Do you know which one’s shuttle you’re on?”
SC: “…..I....don’t know.”
A kink in an otherwise damn fine plan.
Darwin Award
<Alarm station> called this evening to report a fire at one of the buildings.
10 minutes later, I get this call:
Me: “Good eveni-“
( I get cut off by the absolutely screaming loud sound of fire alarms. This guy must have been standing directly below the alarm itself. )
SC: “Yeah, I’m at <building that’s on fire>, what’s going on?”
Me: “….w-“
( I literally hear the fire trucks pull up with their sirens on. )
SC: “Why is the fire alarm on?”
Oh, I don’t know. I mean it’s a Fire Alarm. What could possibly set off a fire alarm? I’m just as confused as you are. I don’t even know why they put them to begin with. I thought they were just there to add interest and contrast to the ceiling décor. I didn’t think they actually did anything.
In all seriousness though you’re standing in a building with all the fire alarms going off, with fire trucks outside and firemen rushing into the building and you’re on the phone calling someone to ask why the fire alarm is going off? I look forward to hearing your name read aloud on morning news next to the words “succumbed” and “smoke inhalation”.
My only regret is that some poor fireman has to risk his life just to run in and interfere with natural selection.
I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut....still
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
Guy 1: “Heh ehe, is this a massage parlor?!”
Guy 2 in background: “Hehehe, massage parlor”
Oh lord, monkeys. They appear to be attempting to engage in a battle of wits. Very well then.
Me: “No, it’s not.”
Guy 1: “I’m looking for a maaaassage parlor, ehehe”
Me: “I’m afraid I can’t help you.”
Guy 1: “Do you know where the nearest massage parlor is? Ehehe”
Guy 2: “ehehehe”
Me: “No I don’t.”
Guy 1: “Where is this?”
Me: “This is <company>”
Guy 1: “But I really need a maaaassage parlor, heh heh heh huhuhu”
Guy 2: “eehehe”
Me: “Perhaps you should just go massage yourself than?”
Guy 1: “…I should go massage myself?”
Guy 2: “Hahahahah!”
Thrust. Parry. Riposte.
Oh Shove Off
SC: : “So you’re up, eh?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “You’re at work?”
Me: “…yes”
SC: “You work all night?”
Me: “….yes”
SC: "So you’re a nighthawk?”
Me: “…well, this is my shift.”
SC: “Oh, yeah.”
Anything else blindly obvious you need me to answer? Or would you like me to just cover some of the most common inquiries? I hear tell that the sky is blue, ice is cold and smearing yourself in honey and bear musk before you go hiking naked deep into the Rockies is generally a bad idea for a weekend outing.
....
SC: “Hi, this is Robert from the <store>.”
Hello, Robert.
SC: “I can’t run my accounts.”
Very well, Robert. Please search the immediate area for a low, flat horizontal plane and dock your buttocks with it for the next 10-15 minutes whilst I summon technical assistance.
....
SC: “Hi, this is Robert from the <store>.”
..Hello, Robert.
SC: “Can you get him to call me again? I um, forgot the password to get out of the program.”
Very well, Robert. Please search the immediate area for a vacant corner, go stand in it and try not to break anything for 10-15 minutes of your life.
....
SC: “Hi, this is Robert from the <store>.”
.......Hello. Robert.
SC: “Um, can you get him to call again? I’m having debit problems now.”
Very well, Robert Please search the immediate area for some sort of exit that will take you outside of the building, walk outside, find some space in the parking lot where there is nothing within 20 feet of you and just try to not touch anything.
The Rule
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Taxi?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “Is this a taxi?”
Me: “No, this is not a taxi service.”
SC: “Taxi?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Oh, ok.”
Why is it the word “yes” always seems to work. But the word “no” is subject to some sort of bizarre 3 strike rule?
......<sigh>
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Taxi?”
Me: “No! This is <company>."
SC: “Oh, sorry.”
Dammit, you’re already out. You’re not allowed to phone again till the next inning. Cheating bastard.
Oooh, now I get it.
SC: “Can you put a note there about <building> ? If anyone calls about the parkade gate-“
Me: “About the parkade gate? This is <plumbing company>….why would they be calling us?
SC: “Well, they might, if you could just put a note about it. BC Hydro is working there so it may be stuck open.”
Me: “Alright…..but this is a plumbing company.”
SC: “Yes, I know, but the tenants, they have a list of emergency numbers and they might be calling anyway.”
Me: “……Right.”
So what you’re trying to say is your tenants are fucking idiots? Understood.
That is enough stupidity for now, I may return for more later. -.- But I grow weary.
You WHAT?
Me: "Alright, do your customer ID number?”
SC: “Oh, no, sorry. I just tore it up a minute ago.”
You…..what? You tore it up? I have heard many an excuse on these lines: I forgot it, I don’t know where it is, I don’t have it with me, the dog ate it, my son ate it, my husband ate it, I force fed it to my neighbour until he ate it, I left it beside the drive core on the mothership, etc, etc. But never “I just tore it up.”. As that would imply blatant stupidity. Whereas the other excuses are passable as merely negligence for the most part.
So you had the ID, the single coveted item which you know served a purpose and would make both of our lives much easier, and you willfully destroyed it? Perhaps out of some sort of self loathing or masochistic tendencies? In which case, you may in fact be deriving pleasure from the pain and inconvenience. However, I am not and I would thank you to not call me whilst bound with exotic leather restraints with something battery operated tickling your prostate.
I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut
Me: “Good evening, <client>”
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick”
Me: “Hello, Vick”
Uncle Vick! It’s been so long! How ya been, man?
SC: “Hey, listen.”
Me: “Do I have to?”
What? I thought it was perfectly valid question.
SC: “There are these people, from Australia, that probably have some information about the mob, and how far, uh, what their connections are and what their dealings are. I think you need to question these people.”
Me: “….you’d like us to question the Australians regarding the mafia?”
SC: “Well, uh, concerning how it effects your situation down south in Mexico-“
Me: “….you’d like us to question the Australians regarding the mafia regarding Mexico?”
SC: “Well, I find this all relevant.”
Me: “Well, at least someone does.”
SC: ".....what?"
Me: "I said, at least someone does."
SC: ".......heh...."
Oh, oh, I can hear the hurt in his voice there. YES. Your hurt feelings. Your crushed hopes. The sudden realization that nothing you say or do is important to anyone but yourself. BRING IT ALL TO ME so that I may drink them down my heartless parched gullet. Such sweetness. Such crisp sweetness. I must have more. MOAR.
SC: “…..Yeah. I honestly find the Hell’s Angels and the mob and the cartel all relevant. I use to work, well I didn’t work, I actually communicated with another agency. But, uh, I think its relevant that these people need to be questioned and find out where the relevancy is.”
Believe me when I say I’m desperately trying to find out where the relevancy is as well.
Me: "Ooook.”
SC: "The point, uh, I, I didn’t find out this stuff till after an arrest was made in Australia.”
Me: “Alright, I’ll……well, I don’t know what I’ll do with that, but whatever.”
SC: “Ok, these people can be found on <street>”
He even has a location for the Australians I must capture and question about the mafia about Mexico.
Me: “Right.”
SC: “Alright, bye.”
Me: "Bye bye now."
The absolute worst part about poor Uncle Vick is he really thinks he’s helping. Whether it’s helping catch Australians or offering his help to NASA to build a space shuttle, he seriously thinks he’s helping us. So he actually gets sad when it doesn’t sound like we care as much as he does.
Which we don’t of course.
Oh God
Me: “Good eveni-“
SC: “MY NAME IS FOXY and I wanna ordar low rise pants!”
Hello…Foxy, was it? And low rise pants? I’m not 100% sure what those are, but they do sound very classy. Let me see if I can find them here…….ah yes, I see. Hmmm, yes, very interesting product description....but very odd language. Let me see if I can translate it:
“Contrasting piping style"
It has a strip down the side. No, seriously, that’s all it is.
“Up to date look”
Look has existed since the 70’s. But we added hot pink.
“Low rise”
Doesn’t fit properly.
“Conforms to the female figure”
Doesn’t breath.
“Use the draw cord to just the fit so it’s just right.”
In the off event it does fit, yank this string till it doesn’t.
Me: “Ok, and your last name please?”
SC: "Rox."
Me: ".....Rox?
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: ".....and the first name is Foxy?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "........"
SC: "........"
Me: “….Foxy Rox?"
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “……..”
I suppose I should have been more specific. Can I please have your real name? Not your stage name? Actually, no, that’s mean, I take that back. I’ve spoken with the elder generation from your region and I really can believe they thought naming you that was a good idea.
They probably had high hopes for your future after growing up with the Muppet Show.
Whiskey Tango
SC: “Can I buy <product> in store?”
Me: "Yes, its available in store."
SC: “OH THANK YOU VERY MUCH”
Me: “Yo-“
SC: “GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY”
Me: “o-“
SC: “Do you need any beds?”
Me: “…..excuse me?”
SC: “We are a charity and we get many mattresses! We get them all for free!”
Me: “…….”
SC: “We have many kinds. Like Sealy Postropedic. WE HAVE MANY NICE MATTRESSES!!”
Me: “……..!?”
SC: “I give you our number. CALL US IF YOU NEED MATRESS!#~"
I….have no idea what’s going on now. Usually when you change topics in a conversation the new topic is within hopping distance of the last topic. That way you can easily hop over the stream of confusion and land safely on the next topic and continue your conversation. Unfortunately, lottery tickets and free mattresses are very far apart and I lack the jetpack required to make such a conversational leap. Thus, you have just happily shoved me into the raging rapids of bafflement and I am hurdling towards the waterfall of bewilderment at an alarming speed.
JESUS CHRIST
Me: “Good morning, <spiel>"“
SC: “YOU DO ROOFING$@?$!!”
Holy *(&%! Yes, yes we do roofing! Lots of roofing! Many much roofing! I can send you some if you want. Please, just don’t hurt me! Take whatever you want. I have some sample shingles around here somewhere. They’re very pretty and come of lots of different styles. I can mail them to you and you can make a funny hat. Just spare me, I beg you. Please, think of my cat.
SC: “I NEED JOB!?$!%”
I….I can’t help you there. No, wait! Please! Don’t hit me! I’m telling you the truth! I can’t help you! There are no jobs. It’s the economy’s fault! Blame him! I’d give you one if I could. Really! <sob>
On that note. Have I mentioned lately how happy I am to be A) Living in Canada and B) Gainfully employed at the wonderful company that is <my employer> and that I love you all? Especially any of you that have the power to terminate me?
No, wait! Please! I have cookies!
A Minor Setback
Me: “Ok, let me give you the number for the <Hotel> so you can call for a pick up.”
SC: “Oh, no, that’s ok. I’m already on the shuttle.”
Me: “…you’re already on the shuttle?”
SC: “Yes, I’m already on the shuttle for the <Hotel>.”
Me: “But there’s two <Hotels> in the city. Do you know which one’s shuttle you’re on?”
SC: “…..I....don’t know.”
A kink in an otherwise damn fine plan.
Darwin Award
<Alarm station> called this evening to report a fire at one of the buildings.
10 minutes later, I get this call:
Me: “Good eveni-“
( I get cut off by the absolutely screaming loud sound of fire alarms. This guy must have been standing directly below the alarm itself. )
SC: “Yeah, I’m at <building that’s on fire>, what’s going on?”
Me: “….w-“
( I literally hear the fire trucks pull up with their sirens on. )
SC: “Why is the fire alarm on?”
Oh, I don’t know. I mean it’s a Fire Alarm. What could possibly set off a fire alarm? I’m just as confused as you are. I don’t even know why they put them to begin with. I thought they were just there to add interest and contrast to the ceiling décor. I didn’t think they actually did anything.
In all seriousness though you’re standing in a building with all the fire alarms going off, with fire trucks outside and firemen rushing into the building and you’re on the phone calling someone to ask why the fire alarm is going off? I look forward to hearing your name read aloud on morning news next to the words “succumbed” and “smoke inhalation”.
My only regret is that some poor fireman has to risk his life just to run in and interfere with natural selection.
I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut....still
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
Guy 1: “Heh ehe, is this a massage parlor?!”
Guy 2 in background: “Hehehe, massage parlor”
Oh lord, monkeys. They appear to be attempting to engage in a battle of wits. Very well then.
Me: “No, it’s not.”
Guy 1: “I’m looking for a maaaassage parlor, ehehe”
Me: “I’m afraid I can’t help you.”
Guy 1: “Do you know where the nearest massage parlor is? Ehehe”
Guy 2: “ehehehe”
Me: “No I don’t.”
Guy 1: “Where is this?”
Me: “This is <company>”
Guy 1: “But I really need a maaaassage parlor, heh heh heh huhuhu”
Guy 2: “eehehe”
Me: “Perhaps you should just go massage yourself than?”
Guy 1: “…I should go massage myself?”
Guy 2: “Hahahahah!”
Thrust. Parry. Riposte.
Oh Shove Off
SC: : “So you’re up, eh?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “You’re at work?”
Me: “…yes”
SC: “You work all night?”
Me: “….yes”
SC: "So you’re a nighthawk?”
Me: “…well, this is my shift.”
SC: “Oh, yeah.”
Anything else blindly obvious you need me to answer? Or would you like me to just cover some of the most common inquiries? I hear tell that the sky is blue, ice is cold and smearing yourself in honey and bear musk before you go hiking naked deep into the Rockies is generally a bad idea for a weekend outing.
....
SC: “Hi, this is Robert from the <store>.”
Hello, Robert.
SC: “I can’t run my accounts.”
Very well, Robert. Please search the immediate area for a low, flat horizontal plane and dock your buttocks with it for the next 10-15 minutes whilst I summon technical assistance.
....
SC: “Hi, this is Robert from the <store>.”
..Hello, Robert.
SC: “Can you get him to call me again? I um, forgot the password to get out of the program.”
Very well, Robert. Please search the immediate area for a vacant corner, go stand in it and try not to break anything for 10-15 minutes of your life.
....
SC: “Hi, this is Robert from the <store>.”
.......Hello. Robert.
SC: “Um, can you get him to call again? I’m having debit problems now.”
Very well, Robert Please search the immediate area for some sort of exit that will take you outside of the building, walk outside, find some space in the parking lot where there is nothing within 20 feet of you and just try to not touch anything.
The Rule
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Taxi?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “Is this a taxi?”
Me: “No, this is not a taxi service.”
SC: “Taxi?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Oh, ok.”
Why is it the word “yes” always seems to work. But the word “no” is subject to some sort of bizarre 3 strike rule?
......<sigh>
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Taxi?”
Me: “No! This is <company>."
SC: “Oh, sorry.”
Dammit, you’re already out. You’re not allowed to phone again till the next inning. Cheating bastard.
Oooh, now I get it.
SC: “Can you put a note there about <building> ? If anyone calls about the parkade gate-“
Me: “About the parkade gate? This is <plumbing company>….why would they be calling us?
SC: “Well, they might, if you could just put a note about it. BC Hydro is working there so it may be stuck open.”
Me: “Alright…..but this is a plumbing company.”
SC: “Yes, I know, but the tenants, they have a list of emergency numbers and they might be calling anyway.”
Me: “……Right.”
So what you’re trying to say is your tenants are fucking idiots? Understood.
That is enough stupidity for now, I may return for more later. -.- But I grow weary.
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