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Oh Zombie Tree, Oh Zombie Tree

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  • Oh Zombie Tree, Oh Zombie Tree

    Yes it is that time of year again, when Pine and Fir trees rise from their roots and descend on shopping malls across America. But before you seek out one for your house, please consider the following;

    Perfect Trees: Perfect trees come in a box. Nature does not do "Perfect", nature does "Unique". No amount of looking, turning or moving it about is going to change the tree.

    Needle Drop: All trees will drop needles, they are undead. Yes, they are Twilight Vampire trees (except they sparkle at night). Keeping them watered will keep them undead longer (They Thirst!!!), but they will eventually fade no mater what you do.

    Weather Report: Tomorrow's high for Oklahoma will be 27 degrees! Don't come looking for trees tomorrow, don't drag your spouse out in the cold and DON'T DRAG YOUR LITTLE CHILDREN OUT IN A SINGLE DIGIT WIND CHILL !!! Especially if you are "Undecided".

    Undecided: It's a friken Christmas Tree! You buy one every year and have bought one for at least the last 20 to 30 years! And yet you act like it is the first time you have ever seen one. You have to have a dozen pulled off their stand and spun about. You have to look at it from every angle and then you turn to your husband and ask "What do you think?"

    He thinks it's 27 degrees outside! He thinks you should just pick a tree so he can get out of the cold! He thinks it really doesn't matter since the decorations make the tree!
    Of course he says 'What ever you want dear."

    Delivery: We now charge for delivery, partially because of the cost of gas, but mostly because of people that expected "delivery" to include;
    Bringing it into the house, setting it in the stand, is it straight??, make it straighter, Maybe it would be better over there, Can you move my couch?, Oh my ornaments are up in the attic, Can you get them down for me? Are you sure it is straight????

    ------------------

    http://www.seattlepi.com/fun/retail.asp?date=20091208
    Last edited by Dips; 12-09-2009, 05:04 PM.
    "First time I ever seen a chainsaw go down anybody's britches,"

  • #2
    My friend and his flatmate went to cut a tree over the weekend. Now I don't care about trees but my friend is rather cute and his flatmate is the strong one.

    In summary I think that's the first mention of Twilight vampires I'd actually like to learn more about.
    How was I supposed to know someone was slipping you Birth Control in the food I've been making for you lately?

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    • #3
      Quoth Dark Psion View Post
      All trees will drop needles, they are undead. Yes, they are Twilight Vampire trees (except they sparkle at night). Keeping them watered will keep them undead longer (They Thirst!!!), but they will eventually fade no mater what you do.
      I'm the exception to this rule! I have the power (hehe..He-man..) to make a christmas tree last til may the following year and stay green! My first tree the BF and I got years ago got watered ONCE (with 7up) and when we finally got it out of the apartment it was still green and not a single needle dropped!
      Last edited by Ree; 12-09-2009, 11:56 AM. Reason: Fixed quote tag
      Now, if you smell the roses but it doesn't lift your spirits, you're either allergic to rose pollen or you need medical intervention. ~ Seshat

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      • #4
        And for those who are all "my god, kill a tree?" like the person in the comic:

        it doesn't HAVE to be pine, fir or spruce. It CAN be any indoor plant or plant-like object or wire object or plastic object that can hold suitable decorations.
        Seshat's self-help guide:
        1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
        2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
        3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
        4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

        "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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        • #5
          Quoth Dark Psion View Post
          http://www.seattlepi.com/fun/retail.asp?date=20091208
          ----------------------
          Needle Drop: All trees will drop needles, they are undead. Yes, they are Twilight Vampire trees (except they sparkle at night). Keeping them watered will keep them undead longer (They Thirst!!!), but they will eventually fade no mater what you do.
          (emphasis mine)

          Nice Robert McCammon reference. You just don't see enough of those.

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          • #6
            We still have the good old plastic trees.

            My grandma used to have a small tree that she'd use for hers (it was in a pot) until her cat kept playing with the ornaments (he's a British shorthair and huge!)
            The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

            Now queen of USSR-Land...

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            • #7
              I think I want a Christmas Cactus this year.
              What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

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              • #8
                I have a tree that sits in a corner year-round, it's a nice little palm tree that goes GREAT with the decor and has red lights around the base that was added last year from the Christmas decorations. It gets dragged from it's lonely corner come the weekend after Thanksgiving, gets all dressed up, BAM! Instant Christmas tree.

                Nice and easy, and I don't have to drag a tree in.
                Eh, one day I'll have something useful here. Until then, have a cookie or two.

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                • #9
                  Got any of those old-fashioned aluminum christmas trees?
                  Sorry, my cow died so I don't need your bull

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                  • #10
                    Quoth Dark Psion View Post

                    Perfect Trees: Perfect trees come in a box. Nature does not do "Perfect", nature does "Unique". No amount of looking, turning or moving it about is going to change the tree.
                    yes and if i want that perfect plastic tree to look perfect i can do so darn it! which eliminates the need to go tree shopping every year....is it wrong to secretly laugh at the people causing undo suffering unto themselves by being out in the cold weather?

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                    • #11
                      Quoth LexiaFira View Post
                      ....is it wrong to secretly laugh at the people causing undo suffering unto themselves by being out in the cold weather?
                      Only if doing so from the warm coziness of your car while sipping a hot chocolate and noshing on a warm sticky bun.
                      Sorry, my cow died so I don't need your bull

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                      • #12
                        Quoth Seshat View Post
                        it doesn't HAVE to be pine, fir or spruce. It CAN be any indoor plant or plant-like object or wire object or plastic object that can hold suitable decorations.
                        My first (and so far only) Christmas tree (not counting family ones, talking about MINE) was a couple years ago, and it was a cactus balloon. I put a few things of tinsel on it, and voila! Desert Christmas tree in the tropics. My old roommate Space Cadet asked what it was, and when I told him, he thought about it for a moment, and then said, "Yep....that's perfect for you!"

                        Quoth Parrothead View Post
                        I think I want a Christmas Cactus this year.
                        YES! DO IT! DO IT!

                        Quoth LexiaFira View Post
                        ...is it wrong to secretly laugh at the people causing undo suffering unto themselves by being out in the cold weather?
                        If it's wrong, then I don't want to be right!

                        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                        Still A Customer."

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                        • #13
                          I actually had a Christmas Cactus. Seriously, that's what the greenhouse I bought it from called it. Never put decorations on it, and after Kitty tried to eat it...I had to move it into my office. Sadly, it died not long after that

                          But, I'll never get a real Christmas tree. With my allergies, I can't have them. Last time my parents had one...it nearly killed me. Too much pollen made it difficult to breathe Too bad since plastic trees don't smell like pine
                          Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines. --Enzo Ferrari

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                          • #14
                            Quoth Parrothead View Post
                            I think I want a Christmas Cactus this year.
                            If you're serious, I can send you cuttings!
                            SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
                            SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

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                            • #15
                              I have 2 little spruces on my porch (in pots). One is just a lil twig now, the other is maybe 1.5'....I'll be decorating him this year and if all is well....he will be my Christmas tree for many years to come
                              "Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory." _Ed Viesturs
                              "Love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking, and don't settle" Steve Jobs

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