Tweet
I have heard things no man should have to hear.
Really?
SC: “Yes, hi, this is M-…….-from J-……..-es”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Can you hear m-“
Me: “I’m afraid you’re cutting in and out.”
SC: “Oh, yeah, that’s because I’m eating.”
….really? I mean….really? Every time I think I have seen and heard all this world has to offer. Explored every possible depth of human stupidity on our fair Earth. I am proved wrong. As some enterprising slack jawed miner manages to dig just a little deeper and discover an entirely new vein of idiocy from which to gather the raw dull wit ore and purify it into ingots of tempered witlessness forged in the dim yet ever burning fires of ignorance. From there on I assume it is shipped internationally to all those whose vast, empty skulls produce a whistling sound when they stand sideways in the wind. To be melted down and poured, in molten form, into this gaping vacuum so that there’s at least something to fill their heads and give it a relatively normal weight so they can balance properly.
I don’t even understand the question. As you basically asked me “Hey can I talk and chew at the same time? I’m not sure.”.
Urgency
I will admit that at this hour, I am the go all person for any sort of problem you might have with the structural integrity of your abode or those who live around you within it. Indeed, there are many problems that I can help you solve at this time of night. When it is dark, you are alone and confronted by the most dire of problems it is I that can shine the light of hope down upon you. However, I feel I must make just a bit of a distinction here. I do help with problems. But something’s are a tad more urgent then others.
You see I can only summon assistance in the event of an emergency. A word whose definition you seem to be struggling with just a tad. An emergency would be something like a flood or waking up and finding your bedroom on fire or possibly a swarm of locusts. Your particular complaint, which I shall quote directly as “the floor is too hard” does not fall into this category. In fact I would go so far as to question your sanity for calling me or anyone at this hour just to lament about the floor being too hard. I’m not even sure how to interpret that complaint. Do you not own socks or shoes? Are you attempting to practice your gymnastic floor routine without the luxury of mats? Because while I realize the Olympics are almost upon us and practice is important I should point out it’s the winter Olympics and such skills are not currently required.
I Don't Know
I do not know if your daughter would like that shirt or not. Nor do I know what colour she would prefer. I cannot assist you in this capacity as I do not know your daughter ( and do not want too I might add. Don’t get any ideas. ) and cannot make any fashion judgments for her. My observations and opinions on what passes for fashion in the arctic lands are…well let’s say unkind to put it politely. An opinion you’re honestly not helping by requesting an article of clothing that comes in neon pink camouflage. Such a combination of colour and pattern is not clothing. I can’t even fathom a use for such a thing unless one was say adrift at sea or stranded on a mountain top and needed something that could be spotted several kilometers away by search & rescue aircraft. Although frankly they might just fly on by and leave you there just for owning such a thing.
Come to think of it, why yes, I’m sure she’d love that one.
Nefarious Schemes
Me: “Alright, and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Oh, one minute let me get my wallet. Sorry, I thought you’d have it.”
You…thought that I would have your VISA? I….but…..why? If there is any thought process you could possibly follow that would lead you to be able to connect your VISA card and myself, I cannot ascertain what it is. I can appreciate that perhaps your brain is more of a B-Line bus and thus skips a few stops along the way. But, how exactly did you arrive at this conclusion? No….wait. You were after me the entire time, weren’t you? I am the end all answer to a long standing mystery that you’ve been slowly unraveling over several days driven forward only by the sheer power of deduction. I must be the criminal mastermind you, your meddling friends and that dog seek.
A clandestine genius whose capabilities are apparently so finely honed that I managed to steal your credit card without even thinking about it let alone physically coming anywhere near it and despite not knowing who you were or where you live. Then neatly deposited said card somewhere I do not actually know about and could never actually find.
Damn me! Do my nefarious skills know no limits?!
Uphill Battles
Me: “and which catalog are you looking in?”
SC: “Uhhh….<company>>.”
Me: “Alright…but which catalog do you have?”
SC: “Ummm….Nike.”
Me: “…yes, but which catalog is it-“
SC: “Shoes”
Me: “Alright, but which catalog are they in? For example is it the Winter 2010 catalog or?”
SC: “Oh….uhhhh…..<company>…….Order 24 hours!”
Alright, technically it does say that on the front but you’re still utterly wrong. However….you said it with such conviction and pride that I’m not sure I have the heart to tell you otherwise. I wouldn’t want to crush this one small hazelnut of self-esteem you seem to have suddenly discovered while pawing greasily at the front of the catalog. Pining for shoes. It would just be cruel and unusual of me to snatch it away when you only just found it deep within yourself…..ahh who am I kidding, my soul is a blackened husk. So then, which catalog was it again?
Fortifications
Right, so….Granville street.....There was a man, nay a king who had constructed for himself a vast fortress from which he could rule his domain. From what, you ask? Umbrellas, of course. He was up against the wall just by the corner and had built himself a half circle wall of umbrellas to defend him from disgruntled peasants and possibly the forces of Mordor. This undoubtedly impenetrable wall was built from two layers of open umbrellas stacked on top of each other and facing outwards. The perfect half circle ensured that with his back to the wall he was defended from all sides. Whilst he sat directly in the middle of this great wall of nylon, daring passersby to throw their lives away upon his ramparts.
Yes, Its a Real Product
SC: “So when I get the tickets, do I have to keep them?”
Me: “….I’m sorry?”
SC: “Like if I win anything, do I have to actually keep the tickets to claim it?”
….perhaps I am not hearing this correctly. But did you just ask me if it was ok to throw your tickets out after receiving them? Why would you do this? If you’re asking me it stands to reason you were planning on taking such a course of action. But I honestly can’t think of a single logical reason why you’d want to toss your tickets out the second you received them. Is this some sort of weird luck ritual that illogically requires you to destroy the tickets in order to increase your chances of victory? Perhaps by burning them in a clay bowl with a few strands of your hair, 3 drops of newt oil and half a container of Goatgurt ( Which IGA is kind enough to stock. ) then using the resulting ashes to etch the face of Billy Mays upon your bare chest?
Because while I admit I am not an ordained shaman, witchdoctor, warlock or alchemist despite what I may claim on the Internet, it just seems like this is a really poor way to go about obtaining good luck. Despite how powerful the invocation of Billy Mays spirit might be. You may have some measure of difficulty claiming a winning ticket when you’ve already lit said ticket on fire and rubbed it around your nipples. Also, Goatgurt is not for the faint of heart. Trust me on that one. Only a true ( online ) Warlock such as myself can handle the power of Goatgurt and even I only got about 3 spoonfuls in before the novelty of goat yogurt wore off and the terror began to overtake me.
Inability
Me: “Alright, and which catalog are looking in?”
SC: “Uh, Imma on da webpage.”
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Hmm, that isn’t coming up in my catalog. One moment, let me check the website…….”
SC: “Okay.”
Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s in the web-only clearance sale and can only be ordered online.”
SC: “Wha? Why can’t I order it on the phone?!”
Odd…I thought I just answered that question. You can't even get to that page without clicking on a giant red banner that reads "WEB ONLY SPECIAL DEALS".
Me: “Those deals are web only sales, you’ll have to place the order through the website to get that item.”
SC: “BUT I DUN KNOW HOW!”
Then this would be an excellent time to improve your computer skills. You seem to have at least managed to turn the computer on, open a web browser and get to our webpage. I’m not sure how long this process took you to accomplish, but judging by the current ungodly hour of night you’re calling at I will assume you originally meant to call around a more sane time of day. But the sheer difficulty of navigating the mouse cursor over the Internet Explorer icon took you the better part of 4-5 hours.
And no I will not teach you. I realize my knowledge is incredibly vast and awe inspiring. Shining down upon you, deep within that dark, intellectual chasm like the guiding beacon of a lighthouse alive with the torch of wisdom. But from my perspective it would be like attempting to teach a hamster to take on a speaking role in a production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. In French. My shift simply isn’t long enough.
Inability #2
SC: “Imma place an order.”
Hello again. Have you made another selection from the website? Preferably one that is not in the web only clearance section?
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
…..<sigh>. That’s the same item you gave me 5 minutes ago.
Me: “I’m afraid, as I told you before, that item is still only available as an online deal. You can’t order it over the phone.”
SC: “Why not?!”
A better question would be why did you expect a different result to occur after taking the exact same course of action 5 minutes later? I believe that is a textbook definition of insanity, is it not? Or at the very least, fervent stupidity. You know the worst part about this is you actually sounded like you thought you were being really clever up until my big revelation that I was the same operator and your whole plan came crashing down around you in a Jenga like cacophony of failure. I know I am a heartless, shadowy being whose motivations are often dubious at best, but my denial of your previous attempt was not due to any personal malice on my part. Even though a vast amount of it does exist. Instead it was, oddly enough, the simple truth of the matter. Circumventing me in an attempt to either fool me into thinking you’re someone else ( Even though you gave the same name ) or trying to get another, kinder operator that would do your bidding is thus futile.
Besides, I am the only operator here and my dark form will not be circumvented by the pitiful likes of yourself. I am the end boss of this hat lusting journey you have undertaken and you cannot hope to sneak past me, let alone face me directly. Especially not when you haven’t even assembled a party of heroes let alone bothered to level up for a while before challenging me. You didn’t even bother to obtain any sort of legendary weapon or power by which to strike me down. You just walked straight over to me at level 1, like a twit, and hit me for 3 damage. Before I crushed you with a single cast of Meteo.
Seriously, you have at least 30-40 hours of gameplay before you should even be reaching me. Which, ironically, is around how many hours it will likely take for you to learn how to place the order yourself online. Thus achieving the victory you sought all along. So best get at it.
Oh, and don't even think about pulling any of that Vanish + Doom shit on me either.
Mating Call
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “I am a woman.”
Me: “…….”
SC: “……it’s Sarah.”
Why did you make that statement? At first I suspecting you wished to remain anonymous and were just being difficult. However, you revealed your name anyhow. But not until after a strange pause as if you were waiting for a response from me. What response were you expecting me to provide? Were you hoping for external verification of your gender? Because I can’t really help you there. All I can tell you is you sound female. But if desperately randy stranded airline passengers are any indication, so do I. So there isn’t really any way that I can provide a definitive 3rd party opinion on the matter. You’re going to have to figure this one for yourself.
Unless that was some sort of proclamation rather than a question, and the pause was the awaiting of a response or acceptance of said proclamation. In which case I must point that while I do understand callers at this forsaken hour may be operating a far more primitive level then the average human being it does not mean that I myself am likewise doing so. So please don’t be offended that I did not even respond to your attempt at courtship. We are merely two different intellectual species and effective courtship rituals amongst my ilk are a tad more complex then “I have a vagina. Booyah.”.
Easy Setup
Me: “Alright, and what’s the IP address of your computer?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know, how do I check that?”
Ah, a most simple matter.
Me: “Alright, which operating system are you on?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know…..ummm….it’s a laptop…..Toshiba?”
Me: “I’m afraid that’s just the laptop’s manufacturer.”
SC: “Ah, Vista. Is that an operating system?”
Debatable.
AHFKAJGFLHGLJ
Me: “Alright, and your phone number please?”
SC: “It’s xxx-xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Alright, I'll page the doctor to call you back."
SC: “There's something wrong with my vagina.”
.........you know, it’s almost awe inspiring how fast this call turned from pleasant routine to abject terror. Please, do not say another word. I do not wish to know. I do not wish to know so much that had you asked me beforehand if I had a prepared an official list of things I did not wish to know I would have specifically pinpointed that as "Number #3: Cooter Malfunctions" and cited several examples which would have helped you grasp this and hopefully avoided this terrible verbal revelation.
annnnd rest.
Really?
SC: “Yes, hi, this is M-…….-from J-……..-es”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Can you hear m-“
Me: “I’m afraid you’re cutting in and out.”
SC: “Oh, yeah, that’s because I’m eating.”
….really? I mean….really? Every time I think I have seen and heard all this world has to offer. Explored every possible depth of human stupidity on our fair Earth. I am proved wrong. As some enterprising slack jawed miner manages to dig just a little deeper and discover an entirely new vein of idiocy from which to gather the raw dull wit ore and purify it into ingots of tempered witlessness forged in the dim yet ever burning fires of ignorance. From there on I assume it is shipped internationally to all those whose vast, empty skulls produce a whistling sound when they stand sideways in the wind. To be melted down and poured, in molten form, into this gaping vacuum so that there’s at least something to fill their heads and give it a relatively normal weight so they can balance properly.
I don’t even understand the question. As you basically asked me “Hey can I talk and chew at the same time? I’m not sure.”.
Urgency
I will admit that at this hour, I am the go all person for any sort of problem you might have with the structural integrity of your abode or those who live around you within it. Indeed, there are many problems that I can help you solve at this time of night. When it is dark, you are alone and confronted by the most dire of problems it is I that can shine the light of hope down upon you. However, I feel I must make just a bit of a distinction here. I do help with problems. But something’s are a tad more urgent then others.
You see I can only summon assistance in the event of an emergency. A word whose definition you seem to be struggling with just a tad. An emergency would be something like a flood or waking up and finding your bedroom on fire or possibly a swarm of locusts. Your particular complaint, which I shall quote directly as “the floor is too hard” does not fall into this category. In fact I would go so far as to question your sanity for calling me or anyone at this hour just to lament about the floor being too hard. I’m not even sure how to interpret that complaint. Do you not own socks or shoes? Are you attempting to practice your gymnastic floor routine without the luxury of mats? Because while I realize the Olympics are almost upon us and practice is important I should point out it’s the winter Olympics and such skills are not currently required.
I Don't Know
I do not know if your daughter would like that shirt or not. Nor do I know what colour she would prefer. I cannot assist you in this capacity as I do not know your daughter ( and do not want too I might add. Don’t get any ideas. ) and cannot make any fashion judgments for her. My observations and opinions on what passes for fashion in the arctic lands are…well let’s say unkind to put it politely. An opinion you’re honestly not helping by requesting an article of clothing that comes in neon pink camouflage. Such a combination of colour and pattern is not clothing. I can’t even fathom a use for such a thing unless one was say adrift at sea or stranded on a mountain top and needed something that could be spotted several kilometers away by search & rescue aircraft. Although frankly they might just fly on by and leave you there just for owning such a thing.
Come to think of it, why yes, I’m sure she’d love that one.
Nefarious Schemes
Me: “Alright, and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Oh, one minute let me get my wallet. Sorry, I thought you’d have it.”
You…thought that I would have your VISA? I….but…..why? If there is any thought process you could possibly follow that would lead you to be able to connect your VISA card and myself, I cannot ascertain what it is. I can appreciate that perhaps your brain is more of a B-Line bus and thus skips a few stops along the way. But, how exactly did you arrive at this conclusion? No….wait. You were after me the entire time, weren’t you? I am the end all answer to a long standing mystery that you’ve been slowly unraveling over several days driven forward only by the sheer power of deduction. I must be the criminal mastermind you, your meddling friends and that dog seek.
A clandestine genius whose capabilities are apparently so finely honed that I managed to steal your credit card without even thinking about it let alone physically coming anywhere near it and despite not knowing who you were or where you live. Then neatly deposited said card somewhere I do not actually know about and could never actually find.
Damn me! Do my nefarious skills know no limits?!
Uphill Battles
Me: “and which catalog are you looking in?”
SC: “Uhhh….<company>>.”
Me: “Alright…but which catalog do you have?”
SC: “Ummm….Nike.”
Me: “…yes, but which catalog is it-“
SC: “Shoes”
Me: “Alright, but which catalog are they in? For example is it the Winter 2010 catalog or?”
SC: “Oh….uhhhh…..<company>…….Order 24 hours!”
Alright, technically it does say that on the front but you’re still utterly wrong. However….you said it with such conviction and pride that I’m not sure I have the heart to tell you otherwise. I wouldn’t want to crush this one small hazelnut of self-esteem you seem to have suddenly discovered while pawing greasily at the front of the catalog. Pining for shoes. It would just be cruel and unusual of me to snatch it away when you only just found it deep within yourself…..ahh who am I kidding, my soul is a blackened husk. So then, which catalog was it again?
Fortifications
Right, so….Granville street.....There was a man, nay a king who had constructed for himself a vast fortress from which he could rule his domain. From what, you ask? Umbrellas, of course. He was up against the wall just by the corner and had built himself a half circle wall of umbrellas to defend him from disgruntled peasants and possibly the forces of Mordor. This undoubtedly impenetrable wall was built from two layers of open umbrellas stacked on top of each other and facing outwards. The perfect half circle ensured that with his back to the wall he was defended from all sides. Whilst he sat directly in the middle of this great wall of nylon, daring passersby to throw their lives away upon his ramparts.
Yes, Its a Real Product
SC: “So when I get the tickets, do I have to keep them?”
Me: “….I’m sorry?”
SC: “Like if I win anything, do I have to actually keep the tickets to claim it?”
….perhaps I am not hearing this correctly. But did you just ask me if it was ok to throw your tickets out after receiving them? Why would you do this? If you’re asking me it stands to reason you were planning on taking such a course of action. But I honestly can’t think of a single logical reason why you’d want to toss your tickets out the second you received them. Is this some sort of weird luck ritual that illogically requires you to destroy the tickets in order to increase your chances of victory? Perhaps by burning them in a clay bowl with a few strands of your hair, 3 drops of newt oil and half a container of Goatgurt ( Which IGA is kind enough to stock. ) then using the resulting ashes to etch the face of Billy Mays upon your bare chest?
Because while I admit I am not an ordained shaman, witchdoctor, warlock or alchemist despite what I may claim on the Internet, it just seems like this is a really poor way to go about obtaining good luck. Despite how powerful the invocation of Billy Mays spirit might be. You may have some measure of difficulty claiming a winning ticket when you’ve already lit said ticket on fire and rubbed it around your nipples. Also, Goatgurt is not for the faint of heart. Trust me on that one. Only a true ( online ) Warlock such as myself can handle the power of Goatgurt and even I only got about 3 spoonfuls in before the novelty of goat yogurt wore off and the terror began to overtake me.
Inability
Me: “Alright, and which catalog are looking in?”
SC: “Uh, Imma on da webpage.”
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Hmm, that isn’t coming up in my catalog. One moment, let me check the website…….”
SC: “Okay.”
Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s in the web-only clearance sale and can only be ordered online.”
SC: “Wha? Why can’t I order it on the phone?!”
Odd…I thought I just answered that question. You can't even get to that page without clicking on a giant red banner that reads "WEB ONLY SPECIAL DEALS".
Me: “Those deals are web only sales, you’ll have to place the order through the website to get that item.”
SC: “BUT I DUN KNOW HOW!”
Then this would be an excellent time to improve your computer skills. You seem to have at least managed to turn the computer on, open a web browser and get to our webpage. I’m not sure how long this process took you to accomplish, but judging by the current ungodly hour of night you’re calling at I will assume you originally meant to call around a more sane time of day. But the sheer difficulty of navigating the mouse cursor over the Internet Explorer icon took you the better part of 4-5 hours.
And no I will not teach you. I realize my knowledge is incredibly vast and awe inspiring. Shining down upon you, deep within that dark, intellectual chasm like the guiding beacon of a lighthouse alive with the torch of wisdom. But from my perspective it would be like attempting to teach a hamster to take on a speaking role in a production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. In French. My shift simply isn’t long enough.
Inability #2
SC: “Imma place an order.”
Hello again. Have you made another selection from the website? Preferably one that is not in the web only clearance section?
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
…..<sigh>. That’s the same item you gave me 5 minutes ago.
Me: “I’m afraid, as I told you before, that item is still only available as an online deal. You can’t order it over the phone.”
SC: “Why not?!”
A better question would be why did you expect a different result to occur after taking the exact same course of action 5 minutes later? I believe that is a textbook definition of insanity, is it not? Or at the very least, fervent stupidity. You know the worst part about this is you actually sounded like you thought you were being really clever up until my big revelation that I was the same operator and your whole plan came crashing down around you in a Jenga like cacophony of failure. I know I am a heartless, shadowy being whose motivations are often dubious at best, but my denial of your previous attempt was not due to any personal malice on my part. Even though a vast amount of it does exist. Instead it was, oddly enough, the simple truth of the matter. Circumventing me in an attempt to either fool me into thinking you’re someone else ( Even though you gave the same name ) or trying to get another, kinder operator that would do your bidding is thus futile.
Besides, I am the only operator here and my dark form will not be circumvented by the pitiful likes of yourself. I am the end boss of this hat lusting journey you have undertaken and you cannot hope to sneak past me, let alone face me directly. Especially not when you haven’t even assembled a party of heroes let alone bothered to level up for a while before challenging me. You didn’t even bother to obtain any sort of legendary weapon or power by which to strike me down. You just walked straight over to me at level 1, like a twit, and hit me for 3 damage. Before I crushed you with a single cast of Meteo.
Seriously, you have at least 30-40 hours of gameplay before you should even be reaching me. Which, ironically, is around how many hours it will likely take for you to learn how to place the order yourself online. Thus achieving the victory you sought all along. So best get at it.
Oh, and don't even think about pulling any of that Vanish + Doom shit on me either.
Mating Call
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “I am a woman.”
Me: “…….”
SC: “……it’s Sarah.”
Why did you make that statement? At first I suspecting you wished to remain anonymous and were just being difficult. However, you revealed your name anyhow. But not until after a strange pause as if you were waiting for a response from me. What response were you expecting me to provide? Were you hoping for external verification of your gender? Because I can’t really help you there. All I can tell you is you sound female. But if desperately randy stranded airline passengers are any indication, so do I. So there isn’t really any way that I can provide a definitive 3rd party opinion on the matter. You’re going to have to figure this one for yourself.
Unless that was some sort of proclamation rather than a question, and the pause was the awaiting of a response or acceptance of said proclamation. In which case I must point that while I do understand callers at this forsaken hour may be operating a far more primitive level then the average human being it does not mean that I myself am likewise doing so. So please don’t be offended that I did not even respond to your attempt at courtship. We are merely two different intellectual species and effective courtship rituals amongst my ilk are a tad more complex then “I have a vagina. Booyah.”.
Easy Setup
Me: “Alright, and what’s the IP address of your computer?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know, how do I check that?”
Ah, a most simple matter.
Me: “Alright, which operating system are you on?”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know…..ummm….it’s a laptop…..Toshiba?”
Me: “I’m afraid that’s just the laptop’s manufacturer.”
SC: “Ah, Vista. Is that an operating system?”
Debatable.
AHFKAJGFLHGLJ
Me: “Alright, and your phone number please?”
SC: “It’s xxx-xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Alright, I'll page the doctor to call you back."
SC: “There's something wrong with my vagina.”
.........you know, it’s almost awe inspiring how fast this call turned from pleasant routine to abject terror. Please, do not say another word. I do not wish to know. I do not wish to know so much that had you asked me beforehand if I had a prepared an official list of things I did not wish to know I would have specifically pinpointed that as "Number #3: Cooter Malfunctions" and cited several examples which would have helped you grasp this and hopefully avoided this terrible verbal revelation.
annnnd rest.
hahahahah
I hope that she did not elaborate on that one....
Call it a wash? 
Comment