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Of Plots And Pornstars
Oi. Only worked a couple shifts this week, so little shorter then usual. But cripes almighty, they tag teamed me all weekend and not in the way some of us like.
Hot Tips
Just a heads up, Jesus will be back at exactly 12:01am January 1st, 2011. Yes, that’s right, he’s actually pinned it down right to the minute now. However, I have been informed that upon his return Jesus will only hang out with “Cool Christians”. So if anyone was banking on his return, you might want to invest in some mirror shades and hair gel, just to make sure you meet his approval. Seeing as he hasn’t been around for a while, he might be a bit outdated on what’s “in” as it were these days. I’m sure he’ll try and catch up on things as fast as possible, but if he starts waxing about how awesome ( Sorry, “radical” ) Nirvana is or something, just roll with it.
Hot Tips #2
SC: “Hello, my name is Vick.”
Uncle Vick! Why its been ages since you last called. Man, both you and the Jesus Prince Charles guy in one night. This certainly is a blessed eve isn’t it? So, Vick, what can I do for you?
SC: “I need to speak to one of your officers.”
Ah, right, our "officers". So, what multilayered web of political intrigue on a nation scale did you somehow manage to unravel by watching reruns of the Jetsons on Teletoon at 2am?
SC: “Ask one of your officers how bad is Canada in for war crimes? Because this goes back all the back to President Ford. I’m sure some of your older officers who have probably retired now know this. They’re probably looking at this going…Canada’s probably sitting on a pretty hot potato.”
As I believe I have explained to you at least 11 times over the past 6 months, you seem to have me profoundly and alternately confused with the CIA, FBI, US Military, NASA, KGB, CSIS or Walmart, depending on the day of the week. I does not possess the abilities nor have the responsibilities you seem to think I do. Seeing as you appear to perceive us as an organization on par with “Power Rangers In Space”.
What happened to you Vick? You didn’t use to be this way. You use to be all “Tell NASA they should let me build them a space ship because my nephew says I’m awesome.”. But now it’s all just 2am conspiracy theories like Jesus Prince Charles Man. I mean seriously, do you really want to be in the same category with the guy that thinks Jesus will give him superpowers if he burns $5 bills to a toilet paper shrine in the bathroom of a MacDonalds?
Hot Tips #3
SC: “Hi, I think we got cut off.”
Me: "Actually, I hung up on you."
SC: "...oh"
Honesty is the best policy, afterall.
Oh....Oh God
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Aurora Chocolate”
……d…..does Nunavut have porn stars? Wait, no, I don’t want to know. Just…just take your pants and go. Don’t say a word. I am perfectly content not possessing this knowledge. In fact if there is any mercy or justice left in this dark world, then this will remain one of history’s greatest mysteries.
New Lows ( Or Possibly Highs )
In all my years here I have fielded many an order on this line where the caller’s location ranged from odd to downright dubious, if not outright disgusting ( Your bathroom is not a phone booth. ). But your particular scenario somehow managed to still be unique even to my wizened old visage. Seeing as it sounds like you are at a rather rowdy bar.
This begs many, many questions but for the sake of my sanity I shall only seek the answer to one: At what point in your debauchery laden evening of drunken revelry did you decide that you needed pants an-……wait, no, don’t answer that. Come to think of it there are any number of scenarios involving stupid bets, criminal trespass and/or roaming wildlife that could have led to you arriving at this point intoxicated and half naked. Right, ok, a better question would be why did you not simply return home and get another pair of pants? How did you figure going to the bar and trying to order a pair of pants from a catalog that is over a year old would in any way expedite the process of garbing your flubbery bear thighs?
No one in the background seems the least bit distracted by your predicament either. Leading my to wonder at the frequency of such incidents.
Duuuuuuuuude
Allow me to introduce you to 80’s Dude. 80’s Dude is out with his friends for a weekend of totally rad partying. Complete with his Motley Crew jean jacket, KISS t-shirt, 80’s metal hair and Van Halen bandana. 80’s Dude uses the word “Dude” as a form of punctuation. 80’s Dude looks, acts and sounds like he should be fist pumping in the background of the commercial for the boardgame “Crossfire”.
Seriously though, this man is a total anomaly whom I cannot explain. All of his friends appear to be dressed for this decade. Only he seems to be firmly lodged at least 25-30 years in the past. I only happened upon this oddity when he utterly struck out attempting to hit on what I can only refer to as a “gaggle” of drunken girls ( Though not drunk enough to lower their standard’s to this guy ). I was just walking by as he was being shut down, when he turned to me to engage me in conversation to complain about how much he hated “stupid drunk girls” and how they were “the worst” ( I assume because they would have nothing to do with him. ).
I pointed out that he was probably in the wrong place then, as he was downtown on Granville street at 10:30pm after a Canucks game and the only females that would still be sober outside in an hour’s time would be wearing Translink uniforms.
Hot Tips.....again
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick. Listen.”
Must I?
SC: “I put the Air India guys in prison and Mr Barr was threatened by these people.”
That was you was it? All of them? By yourself? I assume this was done with the assistance of a motley crew of your friends, your van and a talking dog?
By the way, who is Mr Barr?
SC: “I understand that Ms Ghandi was assassinated and they almost assassinated Ms President Bush.”
….Ms Ghandi? Ms BUSH? You…..you think Ghandi and George Bush are women? I….ju….what? I don’t even….I can’t even picture that. Seriously, Ms Bush? That would be an image too horrifying to beh-
DAMMIT, Internet! You stay out of this!
And Again....
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Sigh. Hello again, Vick. You’re strangely persistent this week, what’s going on?
SC: “I have a question and maybe one of your agents can answer.”
Right, our "Agents". One moment, let me get a hold of an "agent" on duty at home and drag him out of bed at 4 in the morning because Vick has a question.
SC: “These Sikh fundamentalists. If these people are inciting violence against politicians and international states, what’s the difference between them and Al Qaeda?”
….right, #1: Who are you even talking about? And #2: You called at 4 in the morning just to ask me a philosophical question? What happened to you man. You use to be fun. Now you’re just kind of weird and boring.
SC: “If they’re inciting hatred and violence in Canada, what laws are there to stop them from inciting violence?”
Me: “….alright, and why are you asking me this at 4 in the morning?”
SC: “Well, because if it can happen here it can happen in your country too.”
Dude, seriously. Why are you asking me this? Canada does have laws against exactly what you’re talking about. Although ironically, America doesn’t. But still, why are you calling an American line to ask about Canadian law? Do you not see a rather critical flaw in this entire plan of yours?
Look, here’s what I want you to do: The night time you’re sitting on the couch at 1am without any pants on, watching C-SPAN and it suddenly occurs to you that the lines on Joe Biden’s forehead are forming some sort of vast revelation about a deeply seeding conspiracy that spans entire countries, I want you to do two things before you reach for the phone: Number #1, ask yourself “Can't I just go add this to Wikipedia?” and Number #2, ask yourself “Have I taken my pills yet today?”.
I think if you dwell carefully on both inquiries, we can cut down your call volume dramatically.
annnd rest. For now.....<rubs hands together>.
Hot Tips
Just a heads up, Jesus will be back at exactly 12:01am January 1st, 2011. Yes, that’s right, he’s actually pinned it down right to the minute now. However, I have been informed that upon his return Jesus will only hang out with “Cool Christians”. So if anyone was banking on his return, you might want to invest in some mirror shades and hair gel, just to make sure you meet his approval. Seeing as he hasn’t been around for a while, he might be a bit outdated on what’s “in” as it were these days. I’m sure he’ll try and catch up on things as fast as possible, but if he starts waxing about how awesome ( Sorry, “radical” ) Nirvana is or something, just roll with it.
Hot Tips #2
SC: “Hello, my name is Vick.”
Uncle Vick! Why its been ages since you last called. Man, both you and the Jesus Prince Charles guy in one night. This certainly is a blessed eve isn’t it? So, Vick, what can I do for you?
SC: “I need to speak to one of your officers.”
Ah, right, our "officers". So, what multilayered web of political intrigue on a nation scale did you somehow manage to unravel by watching reruns of the Jetsons on Teletoon at 2am?
SC: “Ask one of your officers how bad is Canada in for war crimes? Because this goes back all the back to President Ford. I’m sure some of your older officers who have probably retired now know this. They’re probably looking at this going…Canada’s probably sitting on a pretty hot potato.”
As I believe I have explained to you at least 11 times over the past 6 months, you seem to have me profoundly and alternately confused with the CIA, FBI, US Military, NASA, KGB, CSIS or Walmart, depending on the day of the week. I does not possess the abilities nor have the responsibilities you seem to think I do. Seeing as you appear to perceive us as an organization on par with “Power Rangers In Space”.
What happened to you Vick? You didn’t use to be this way. You use to be all “Tell NASA they should let me build them a space ship because my nephew says I’m awesome.”. But now it’s all just 2am conspiracy theories like Jesus Prince Charles Man. I mean seriously, do you really want to be in the same category with the guy that thinks Jesus will give him superpowers if he burns $5 bills to a toilet paper shrine in the bathroom of a MacDonalds?
Hot Tips #3
SC: “Hi, I think we got cut off.”
Me: "Actually, I hung up on you."
SC: "...oh"
Honesty is the best policy, afterall.
Oh....Oh God
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Aurora Chocolate”
……d…..does Nunavut have porn stars? Wait, no, I don’t want to know. Just…just take your pants and go. Don’t say a word. I am perfectly content not possessing this knowledge. In fact if there is any mercy or justice left in this dark world, then this will remain one of history’s greatest mysteries.
New Lows ( Or Possibly Highs )
In all my years here I have fielded many an order on this line where the caller’s location ranged from odd to downright dubious, if not outright disgusting ( Your bathroom is not a phone booth. ). But your particular scenario somehow managed to still be unique even to my wizened old visage. Seeing as it sounds like you are at a rather rowdy bar.
This begs many, many questions but for the sake of my sanity I shall only seek the answer to one: At what point in your debauchery laden evening of drunken revelry did you decide that you needed pants an-……wait, no, don’t answer that. Come to think of it there are any number of scenarios involving stupid bets, criminal trespass and/or roaming wildlife that could have led to you arriving at this point intoxicated and half naked. Right, ok, a better question would be why did you not simply return home and get another pair of pants? How did you figure going to the bar and trying to order a pair of pants from a catalog that is over a year old would in any way expedite the process of garbing your flubbery bear thighs?
No one in the background seems the least bit distracted by your predicament either. Leading my to wonder at the frequency of such incidents.
Duuuuuuuuude
Allow me to introduce you to 80’s Dude. 80’s Dude is out with his friends for a weekend of totally rad partying. Complete with his Motley Crew jean jacket, KISS t-shirt, 80’s metal hair and Van Halen bandana. 80’s Dude uses the word “Dude” as a form of punctuation. 80’s Dude looks, acts and sounds like he should be fist pumping in the background of the commercial for the boardgame “Crossfire”.
Seriously though, this man is a total anomaly whom I cannot explain. All of his friends appear to be dressed for this decade. Only he seems to be firmly lodged at least 25-30 years in the past. I only happened upon this oddity when he utterly struck out attempting to hit on what I can only refer to as a “gaggle” of drunken girls ( Though not drunk enough to lower their standard’s to this guy ). I was just walking by as he was being shut down, when he turned to me to engage me in conversation to complain about how much he hated “stupid drunk girls” and how they were “the worst” ( I assume because they would have nothing to do with him. ).
I pointed out that he was probably in the wrong place then, as he was downtown on Granville street at 10:30pm after a Canucks game and the only females that would still be sober outside in an hour’s time would be wearing Translink uniforms.
Hot Tips.....again
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick. Listen.”
Must I?
SC: “I put the Air India guys in prison and Mr Barr was threatened by these people.”
That was you was it? All of them? By yourself? I assume this was done with the assistance of a motley crew of your friends, your van and a talking dog?
By the way, who is Mr Barr?
SC: “I understand that Ms Ghandi was assassinated and they almost assassinated Ms President Bush.”
….Ms Ghandi? Ms BUSH? You…..you think Ghandi and George Bush are women? I….ju….what? I don’t even….I can’t even picture that. Seriously, Ms Bush? That would be an image too horrifying to beh-
DAMMIT, Internet! You stay out of this!
And Again....
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Sigh. Hello again, Vick. You’re strangely persistent this week, what’s going on?
SC: “I have a question and maybe one of your agents can answer.”
Right, our "Agents". One moment, let me get a hold of an "agent" on duty at home and drag him out of bed at 4 in the morning because Vick has a question.
SC: “These Sikh fundamentalists. If these people are inciting violence against politicians and international states, what’s the difference between them and Al Qaeda?”
….right, #1: Who are you even talking about? And #2: You called at 4 in the morning just to ask me a philosophical question? What happened to you man. You use to be fun. Now you’re just kind of weird and boring.
SC: “If they’re inciting hatred and violence in Canada, what laws are there to stop them from inciting violence?”
Me: “….alright, and why are you asking me this at 4 in the morning?”
SC: “Well, because if it can happen here it can happen in your country too.”
Dude, seriously. Why are you asking me this? Canada does have laws against exactly what you’re talking about. Although ironically, America doesn’t. But still, why are you calling an American line to ask about Canadian law? Do you not see a rather critical flaw in this entire plan of yours?
Look, here’s what I want you to do: The night time you’re sitting on the couch at 1am without any pants on, watching C-SPAN and it suddenly occurs to you that the lines on Joe Biden’s forehead are forming some sort of vast revelation about a deeply seeding conspiracy that spans entire countries, I want you to do two things before you reach for the phone: Number #1, ask yourself “Can't I just go add this to Wikipedia?” and Number #2, ask yourself “Have I taken my pills yet today?”.
I think if you dwell carefully on both inquiries, we can cut down your call volume dramatically.
annnd rest. For now.....<rubs hands together>.
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