Some Examples Of Why Bartenders Are Not Armed

[Jester]

Remember me?

This trio sidles up to the bar. Two of them speak no English. The third lady has a slight accent, and acts like we're old friends. "Hey, you shaved your beard!" Uh, hi. Okay, so maybe she's been in here before. I'll go with it. And then she asks me, "Hey, what was that beer I tried last time?" Huh? What? "You know, that one beer, it was kind of Christmasy." I have no idea what you're talking about, lady. "Sure you do, you let me try this one beer, I said it tasted kind of like a holiday drink." I have no memory of any of this. Seriously. "I was in here about a month or two ago...."

And now it all makes sense. SHE assumes that I remember each and every person I have any interaction with at my bar, even if it was one time for a few minutes back in April. Listen, lady, I deal with tons of people every day. And I enjoy my fair share of drink. If you think I am going to remember you from your one visit several weeks ago, and you were not a young, semi-naked chick in a bikini that I wanted to lick the sweat off of, you are out of your fucking mind. Get off this self-important streak you're on, look at the fucking beer menu, and maybe together we can figure out what the hell you're thirsting for.

Hey, Batter Batter. Swwwiiiiinnngg, Batter!

A couple walks in to the bar. The dude is not wearing a shirt. This is against health code, as we are an inside bar. My manager is at the door and tells the dude he needs to be wearing a shirt. The dude tells my manager he doesn't have a shirt, but he is only getting some drinks to go, and he'll put a towel over his shoulders.

Douchebag Strike #1.

He walks up to the bar and orders two draft beers. I ask for the girl's ID, because she looks young. "Oh, she's not drinking," says he. Riiiight. Okay, I have ordered two beers for myself at a time, and we don't have laws against someone buying two beers, even if they are with someone underage/without ID, so fine, we'll go with that. And then, for $8 in beer, the guy pays me with a hundred dollar bill.

Douchebag Strike #2.

Fine, whatever. I give him his change, which this early in the day consists of a LOT of 5's and 10's. And then, each of them pick up a beer as they prepare to leave. I stop them cold. "I'm sorry, I can't have her walking out of here with that beer if I don't see her ID." Naturally, she doesn't have it with her, so he takes both beers in his hands. As he's leaving, he shoots back, "It's okay. She's 23." No, dipshit, it's not okay. If she doesn't have her ID, and I've asked her for it, it is definitely not okay for her to be walking out of my bar with a beer I've poured.

Douchebag Strike #3.

And you're out of here!

Virtually Every Day

SC: "I'd like some rum."
JESTER: "And is there a particular rum you'd like? We do have over 150 of them."
SC: "Bring me a good one."




I especially love the people who say, "Bring me your BEST rum." To which I tell them, "That would be Pyrat Cask 1623, a lovely 40 year blend from the British West Indies island of Anguilla. It's $50 a shot." While this is okay with a small number of people, most people give me the face, then say something along the lines of, "Okay, well bring me your best TEN DOLLAR rum."





The above people and other assorted idiots I get to deal with do not make my job hell. They merely annoy me. Luckily for me, they are balanced by the wonderful people who know how to act in a bar, even the rowdy ones, who have fun, tip well, and generally don't act like rabid retarded rhinoceroses.

[poofy_puff]

So what happened with Beer-Batter?

Did you take the beer(s) away?

Don't make us wait for next week's episode!

[Jester]

No, he smartly took both beers in his hands. There is nothing against the law there. Florida law is very strict in some parts where it concerns alcohol, but not this one. Had she been SIPPING on the beer, I might have taken them away, but the situation did not warrant that kind of drastic action.

And frankly, I wanted his shirtless douchebag ass outta my bar anyway.

[KiaKat]

People come into my store all the time asking for our "best wine." At which point I show them the $50 Chateauneuf du Pape, or the $45 375ml Vin Santo.

They usually backtrack pretty quickly.

My favourite was yesterday. Guy comes in with a thick accent (native English speaker, just accented), asks for "the best wine for woman." Yes. Not women, or A woman, but just... woman. I asked him a few questions to try and establish what he meant, and he then decides to add "at an average price."

Cue headdesk. And me offering him the above-mentioned wines.

Cue tantrum from customer. And me saying that if he wants a $3 wine, we don't have that here. Cue customer repeating his request for a "wine for woman at average price."

Luckily my coworker saw me getting ready to lay into the guy, and took care of him. While deliberately misunderstanding his accent a few times, and ending up giving him a *very* dry red with lots of tannin and high acid content. Hey, the guy wanted a $6 wine, not our fault it's plonk.

Gotta love tricking the customer into defining what they actually want.

[Whiskey]

People come into my store all the time asking for our "best wine." At which point I show them the $50 Chateauneuf du Pape, or the $45 375ml Vin Santo.

That's not even "expensive" in relation to real good, expensive wine. I've yet to find a wine that tastes better than my cheap 7$ bottle of [the name escapes me right now] sparkling white wine. Maybe my palate is just cheap and tacky. Its possible.

I might try those though, if you consider them "best wines." I'll drop 50$ on a bottle with no problem. Theres a scotch I want to try thats 375$ aged 25 years. mmmm. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

*very* dry red with lots of tannin and high acid content.

I grimaced IRL.

[KiaKat]

Oh they're absolutely not expensive, in comparison. Nor are they the best in the store. But it's in the ghetto, so $50 for a bottle of wine is MAD 'SPENSIVE, YO!

The $45 Vin Santo is delicious. As is the other $45 dessert wine, a Moscato Passito (no, NOT a Moscato d'Asti, this is a different type of dessert wine).

I'll share that scotch with you. I have NO problem dropping a ton of money on a good liquor. If I know it's a good liquor, either from having tasted it, or because an expert has recommended it to me.

So Jester, if I'm ever in Key West, I'll happily try that 40-year aged Rum. Looking forward to the idea, actually.

[Whiskey]

So Jester, if I'm ever in Key West, I'll happily try that 40-year aged Rum. Looking forward to the idea, actually.

Sounds like the formation of a drunks party if I ever heard one. 25 year old scotch? 40 year rum? Next you're going to tell me we're going to have cheap 2 for a dollar pizzas too!

Edit: kitkat! you lie! you work in the ghetto but bevmo has neither wine! now I don't know what to do with myself! Nor where to look. Any national chains (or californian) that you know of that carry it? I've had one dessert wine and it was delicious beyond words

[Jester]

The $45 Vin Santo is delicious.

I highly recommend the Marques de Caceres Gran Reserva from Spain. It is a beautiful Spanish red, and only $35 a bottle. If you don't want to drop that much, look for the Marques de Caceres Crianza Rioja. Same vineyard, more entry level, still lovely. I drink it fairly often. And I've seen it for only $12-14.

So Jester, if I'm ever in Key West, I'll happily try that 40-year aged Rum. Looking forward to the idea, actually.

You don't have to wait till the time you get here, whenever that is. Pyrat is owned and distributed by Patron, so it is pretty much available nationally. The Pyrat Cask 1623 goes for around $300 a bottle retail, and is not always easy to find, but is definitely worth it. Again, if you don't want to drop that much, I highly recommend their more modest Pyrat XO Reserve, a lovely 15 year blend which is very smooth with hints of citrus, which I have seen here in KW for $32-40 a bottle retail.

[Pagan]

I might try those though, if you consider them "best wines." I'll drop 50$ on a bottle with no problem. Theres a scotch I want to try thats 375$ aged 25 years. mmmm. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Ah, yes, uisge beatha. Very appropriate name, no?

There's several of those types over at a local liquor store that I stare at every time I go there.

And then there's the 40-year-old unchillfilterd Highland Park that I covet.

I've heard that they're good, but I just can't wrap my mind around Japanese whiskey.

[cinema guy]

... Rioja. .

mmm, Rioja.

And then there's the 40-year-old unchillfilterd Highland Park that I covet.

My gf brought my dad a bottle of Highland Park for Christmas. It wan't 40 years old though. My dad is a serious whiskey connoisseur, and drinks some very nice Scotch.

Meanwhile I'm enjoying a glass of 12-year old single malt after a very long day at work. mmm

[Seshat]

My family treated ourselves to a bottle of Oban once. If you like Scotch whisky, I can recommend it as a wonderful example of its type.

I don't know how to describe 'its type', but The-Single-Malt-Whisky-Flavour-Map might be very helpful.

[infinitemonkies]

I especially love the people who say, "Bring me your BEST rum." To which I tell them, "That would be Pyrat Cask 1623, a lovely 40 year blend from the British West Indies island of Anguilla. It's $50 a shot." While this is okay with a small number of people, most people give me the face, then say something along the lines of, "Okay, well bring me your best TEN DOLLAR rum."

My brother likes the occasional scotch. For his birthday, I went in to the liquor store intending to get him the best bottle of 40-year single malt they had. Check prices. settle for the 3rd best 25-year instead.

[EnigmaKB]

Ah, yes, uisge beatha. Very appropriate name, no?

There's several of those types over at a local liquor store that I stare at every time I go there.

And then there's the 40-year-old unchillfilterd Highland Park that I covet.

I've heard that they're good, but I just can't wrap my mind around Japanese whiskey.

If you want a decent Japanese Scotch to try, I recommend the Yamazaki 12 year. Very nice taste really. The 18 Year is more of an acquired taste that I have yet to develop.

[KiaKat]

I highly recommend the Marques de Caceres Gran Reserva from Spain. It is a beautiful Spanish red, and only $35 a bottle. If you don't want to drop that much, look for the Marques de Caceres Crianza Rioja. Same vineyard, more entry level, still lovely. I drink it fairly often. And I've seen it for only $12-14.

Depending on the vintage, the Crianza ranges from $15-$25 up here. I've got a couple bottles of the '05 socked away (still needs a couple years to finish maturing, that oak is a bit intense still), and a bottle of the '04 put aside for later this year.

The Gran Reserva is truly delicious, but I've found it's INCREDIBLY variable from year to year. Last one I tried and loved was the '01, though my favourite is still the '99.

You don't have to wait till the time you get here, whenever that is. Pyrat is owned and distributed by Patron, so it is pretty much available nationally. The Pyrat Cask 1623 goes for around $300 a bottle retail, and is not always easy to find, but is definitely worth it. Again, if you don't want to drop that much, I highly recommend their more modest Pyrat XO Reserve, a lovely 15 year blend which is very smooth with hints of citrus, which I have seen here in KW for $32-40 a bottle retail.

Good to know! I can think of a couple places I could get it from, given that it's a Patron product. It's too bad my store isn't licensed for spirits (and therefore I'm blocked from ordering any from the distributor), otherwise I'd take advantage of my employee discount.

[Jester]

mmm, Rioja.

Bought a new (for me) bottle of Rioja yesterday at the lasagne cookoff, which was sponsored by and held in front of a cigar and wine bar. It is called La Vendimia, it's an '07 bottle, and it's from Alfaro, Spain, wherever the hell that is. I am looking forward to trying it.

My family treated ourselves to a bottle of Oban once. If you like Scotch whisky, I can recommend it as a wonderful example of its type.

I am not much of a Scotch drinker, but I have had Oban, and it IS pretty amazing stuff.

Depending on the vintage, the Crianza ranges from $15-$25 up here.

First I have to say I am shocked....virtually no one knows what I am talking about when I mention Marques de Caceres. My ex-fiance The Brit, who's father was Spanish, turned me on to it years ago when we were together, and it is awesome, but no one ever knows about it.

That being said, that seems a bit pricey....are you sure you aren't getting the Reserva? I have never seen the regular ole Crianza for more than $14 or $15 in a store.

I've got a couple bottles of the '05 socked away (still needs a couple years to finish maturing, that oak is a bit intense still), and a bottle of the '04 put aside for later this year.

I hate you. I truly do.

Personally, I'll drink the stuff whenever I buy it, but it's good to know to look for those vintages. Okay, suddenly I don't hate you as much, as I just checked, and at the moment, I have a bottle of '05 Crianza in my wine rack.

Though I doubt I am going to wait two years to drink it!

The Gran Reserva is truly delicious, but I've found it's INCREDIBLY variable from year to year. Last one I tried and loved was the '01, though my favourite is still the '99.

Okay, you clearly know this wine better than me. I shall have to keep my eyes peeled for those vintages....might go today to look for them, actually.