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I can see this is your first time in a dining and drinking establishment, possibly even your first time out in public without a handler, so I am here to offer you some advice on the correct way to do things.
The Hostess is here to seat you. Please wait for her, and she will find you a lovely table, and inform your Server of your presence. The Hostess is not here to get you a drink, explain the specials, or take your order. That is the Server's job. The Server will be with you shortly. The Hostess has other people to show to their table, so leave her the fuck alone.
The staff is not here to babysit, corral, watch, or in any way take care of your children. That is YOUR job, as a parent. If you want a babysitter, hire a fucking babysitter. We're here to give you a good meal in a nice atmosphere, and that's it. We are not paid to be nannies. Even your Server, the only person you are handing money to, is not being tipped by you nearly enough to perform your parental duties for you. Control your fucking kids.
The bar has two sides. Your side and our side. We can be on either side if we need to be, but you are only allowed on your side. You are NOT allowed behind the bar, period. You dropped something back there? No problem. Tell the Bartender, and he or she will be more than happy to get it for you. It's kind of like in the titty bar where the dancer can touch you but you can't touch them. Same basic concept: we have more power here than you. And you are NOT allowed behind the bar, unless the Bartender specifically invites you back there for a photo op or whatever. Otherwise, stay the fuck out from behind the bar.
If you need your Server or Bartender for some reason, it is perfectly acceptable to politely wave your hand or call to them. It is a bit rude for you to wave frantically at us (unless there is a serious spill or some other pressing mishap beyond you just needing an iced tea refill), and it is NEVER acceptable for you to snap your fingers at us, whistle for us, yell at us, or slam your hand or your glass down on the table or bar to get our attention. Period. Not if you want to continue to be served in a polite and efficient manner. People who do this are treated like the social lepers they are. Have some fucking manners.
Free drinks are at the discretion of the Bartender or the Manager. And by "discretion," I mean that they choose who will get free drinks and when. Asking for or demanding free drinks is a virtual guarantee that you will never get a free drink at that bar, EVER. Good, polite customers often get a round or two bought for them. Rude and greedy assholes do not. Don't ask for free fucking drinks.
There are other people in the establishment. Other customers. Your Server or Bartender is not merely here to serve you, but to serve their other customers as well. Understand this and have some patience, and you will get fantastic service. Act like you are the only one in the place and need help immediately and you are going to be labeled as an asshole. Don't be an impatient fucking asshole.
If you come from the lucky side of the gene pool and look 30 or under, even if you're not, we may very well ask you for your ID if you order alcoholic beverages. This is not an option we choose to do or not do, this is the State fucking law. Don't give us shit for obeying the State fucking law. I just turned 40, and if someone asks me for my ID, I happily present it. Hell, I may even kiss the person carding me. Have your ID with you and when requested for it, fucking present it.
If something is wrong with your food or drink, tell us so that we may correct it. We are here to make your stay enjoyable, and we have no problem fixing any mistakes that may have happened. However, if you eat your whole meal or drink your whole drink and THEN complain about it, you look like a douchebag. Tell us about any problems so we can make them right, and don't be a fucking douchebag.
We don't mind answering reasonable questions. "Do you have any specials?" "What is the deal for happy hour?" "Just how big IS the giant turkey leg?" We do, however, hate answering stupid questions. "Do you live here?" No, we commute from Phoenix every day just to work here and serve you. "Do you serve alcoholic drinks?" No, the bar behind me with all those bottles of booze is merely for show. "Can I have a beer?" Sure, if you can tell me which flavor, since we have about 30 different beers available. Even the lowliest bar has at least a few varieties of beer. Don't ask stupid fucking questions.
The Hostess is here to seat you. Please wait for her, and she will find you a lovely table, and inform your Server of your presence. The Hostess is not here to get you a drink, explain the specials, or take your order. That is the Server's job. The Server will be with you shortly. The Hostess has other people to show to their table, so leave her the fuck alone.
The staff is not here to babysit, corral, watch, or in any way take care of your children. That is YOUR job, as a parent. If you want a babysitter, hire a fucking babysitter. We're here to give you a good meal in a nice atmosphere, and that's it. We are not paid to be nannies. Even your Server, the only person you are handing money to, is not being tipped by you nearly enough to perform your parental duties for you. Control your fucking kids.
The bar has two sides. Your side and our side. We can be on either side if we need to be, but you are only allowed on your side. You are NOT allowed behind the bar, period. You dropped something back there? No problem. Tell the Bartender, and he or she will be more than happy to get it for you. It's kind of like in the titty bar where the dancer can touch you but you can't touch them. Same basic concept: we have more power here than you. And you are NOT allowed behind the bar, unless the Bartender specifically invites you back there for a photo op or whatever. Otherwise, stay the fuck out from behind the bar.
If you need your Server or Bartender for some reason, it is perfectly acceptable to politely wave your hand or call to them. It is a bit rude for you to wave frantically at us (unless there is a serious spill or some other pressing mishap beyond you just needing an iced tea refill), and it is NEVER acceptable for you to snap your fingers at us, whistle for us, yell at us, or slam your hand or your glass down on the table or bar to get our attention. Period. Not if you want to continue to be served in a polite and efficient manner. People who do this are treated like the social lepers they are. Have some fucking manners.
Free drinks are at the discretion of the Bartender or the Manager. And by "discretion," I mean that they choose who will get free drinks and when. Asking for or demanding free drinks is a virtual guarantee that you will never get a free drink at that bar, EVER. Good, polite customers often get a round or two bought for them. Rude and greedy assholes do not. Don't ask for free fucking drinks.
There are other people in the establishment. Other customers. Your Server or Bartender is not merely here to serve you, but to serve their other customers as well. Understand this and have some patience, and you will get fantastic service. Act like you are the only one in the place and need help immediately and you are going to be labeled as an asshole. Don't be an impatient fucking asshole.
If you come from the lucky side of the gene pool and look 30 or under, even if you're not, we may very well ask you for your ID if you order alcoholic beverages. This is not an option we choose to do or not do, this is the State fucking law. Don't give us shit for obeying the State fucking law. I just turned 40, and if someone asks me for my ID, I happily present it. Hell, I may even kiss the person carding me. Have your ID with you and when requested for it, fucking present it.
If something is wrong with your food or drink, tell us so that we may correct it. We are here to make your stay enjoyable, and we have no problem fixing any mistakes that may have happened. However, if you eat your whole meal or drink your whole drink and THEN complain about it, you look like a douchebag. Tell us about any problems so we can make them right, and don't be a fucking douchebag.
We don't mind answering reasonable questions. "Do you have any specials?" "What is the deal for happy hour?" "Just how big IS the giant turkey leg?" We do, however, hate answering stupid questions. "Do you live here?" No, we commute from Phoenix every day just to work here and serve you. "Do you serve alcoholic drinks?" No, the bar behind me with all those bottles of booze is merely for show. "Can I have a beer?" Sure, if you can tell me which flavor, since we have about 30 different beers available. Even the lowliest bar has at least a few varieties of beer. Don't ask stupid fucking questions.
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