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Congratulations on your purchase of the Smart Consumer handbook. We will offer you a comprehensive guide on grocery shopping including all of the tricks, procedures, and actions you should take in order to ensure your shopping experience is both socially and financially benefiting.
PART I, Your money is worth ten-fold
1. All produce is out in the open for a reason! Do not be afraid to help yourself whenever you want to eat, as stores are competing for YOUR patronage. It's an honor for them if you decide to sample while in the store.
2. You're a spender, that's right, a tremendous contributor to your store. Never let them forget that, and always remember you are entitled to discounts if you feel like a price is too high. If the Cashier (who we like to refer to as "Idiot monkey") refuses to help you, get their manager over, scream for your rights as a shopper! 90% of the time you will walk out with a discount, it's true!
3. Coupons expire only when you decide. That store makes plenty of money, yet they deny you your 79 cent discount on your favorite yogurt? Or even worse, even if your coupon isn't "EXPIRED" tell you that you have picked the "wrong type" for the coupon to be "valid"? Again, yelling seems to work when the idiot monkeys get out of hand.
[B]PART II, Everyone is retarded/B]
1. Let's start with the "retarded" category. Cashiers are very, very dull creatures who have no concept of the market, or even for that matter how to treat a king/customer (you). Below is a list of steps one should take, and why.
a. Do not say hello to the monkey. It is a sociopath that will bleed you for information, despite being stupid. Instead, you can shut them down by either mumbling jibberish, staring angrily, looking away, mentioning the prices of your items (does not have to be correct), or even just approaching it with such a stupid expression it doesn't even bother.
b. Cashiers are unable to count, and recognize amounts by memory, which means you DID GIVE THEM A TWENTY.
c. Cashiers are psychic. It is their one gift, and you actually don't need to tell them how you want your items bagged. As a matter of fact, do them a service and offer no hints whatsoever to help improve their ability until they start fucking everything up again. Then YOU SHOULD YELL THEY JUST CRUSHED YOUR WATERMELON AND YOU CAN'T PUT ITALIAN BREAD WITH SOFTER BREAD BECAUSE THEY HATE EACH OTHER.
d. Being born from a tube, these beings don't have a sense of humor. It's your job to make as many jokes as possible, and if they don't laugh, call them out on not having a sense of humor. Popular jokes include:
"YOU LOOK BORED"
"WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME?"
"LET'S GIVE THIS GUY SOME WORK"
"I'LL TAKE THE WINNING TICKET!"
"ALL THESE ITEMS ARE FREE LOLZ"
Part III, Store "policy"
1. All members of whatever department are always experts about everything store related. No exceptions, if they say otherwise, they are lying to be lazy.
2. Receipts are more like suggestions. You can and should be able to make a return without them because they really don't mean anything other than what time you were there (BIIIIIIIIIG DEEEEEAAAAAAL) what you bought and what the price was. They should just take your word for it, since YOU pay their salaries.
3. Everyone owes you. Like it was just mentioned, you pay these putz's salaries every bag of chips you buy. Needless to say, they should pretty much be on their knees kissing your gnarled toes.
4. Closing time? Are you kidding? Look, some of us have to spend the day smoking bongs. You nerds need to adjust your curfew a little past 9:00 and live a little. If the doors are locked, keep banging on them until they open. If you keep getting bitched at because it's a half hour past closing and you're not done yet, just keep saying "one more item". For some reason these jackasses don't restock at that time, so selection is limited, which means? That's right, you're entitled to a discount.
Misc.
- The moment you get a coupon is the moment it becomes valid.
- You are always the funniest person in the store.
- Always pick the line with the most people on it, because chances are that cashier is giving things away for free.
- If you have to peek around to see if a register is open, do it while wearing your stupidest looking climax expression. Cashiers love that so much they look away from you and shut off the belt thingy.
- Have your own bags? Don't tell them until they've just bagged everything for you, then begin unbagging and saying "nononono".
- Bring your entire screaming family for good luck. Props if they're all really ugly.
- This is not a pageant, and there is no way you can look trashy. Ever.
- Bring your 167 year old mother, she's really helpful when not in senile mode.
- Signs are there to trick you and often subtle. Which KIND of soda is on sale? The one under the sign, or the one ACROSS from it?
*** Feel free to add on
PART I, Your money is worth ten-fold
1. All produce is out in the open for a reason! Do not be afraid to help yourself whenever you want to eat, as stores are competing for YOUR patronage. It's an honor for them if you decide to sample while in the store.
2. You're a spender, that's right, a tremendous contributor to your store. Never let them forget that, and always remember you are entitled to discounts if you feel like a price is too high. If the Cashier (who we like to refer to as "Idiot monkey") refuses to help you, get their manager over, scream for your rights as a shopper! 90% of the time you will walk out with a discount, it's true!
3. Coupons expire only when you decide. That store makes plenty of money, yet they deny you your 79 cent discount on your favorite yogurt? Or even worse, even if your coupon isn't "EXPIRED" tell you that you have picked the "wrong type" for the coupon to be "valid"? Again, yelling seems to work when the idiot monkeys get out of hand.
[B]PART II, Everyone is retarded/B]
1. Let's start with the "retarded" category. Cashiers are very, very dull creatures who have no concept of the market, or even for that matter how to treat a king/customer (you). Below is a list of steps one should take, and why.
a. Do not say hello to the monkey. It is a sociopath that will bleed you for information, despite being stupid. Instead, you can shut them down by either mumbling jibberish, staring angrily, looking away, mentioning the prices of your items (does not have to be correct), or even just approaching it with such a stupid expression it doesn't even bother.
b. Cashiers are unable to count, and recognize amounts by memory, which means you DID GIVE THEM A TWENTY.
c. Cashiers are psychic. It is their one gift, and you actually don't need to tell them how you want your items bagged. As a matter of fact, do them a service and offer no hints whatsoever to help improve their ability until they start fucking everything up again. Then YOU SHOULD YELL THEY JUST CRUSHED YOUR WATERMELON AND YOU CAN'T PUT ITALIAN BREAD WITH SOFTER BREAD BECAUSE THEY HATE EACH OTHER.
d. Being born from a tube, these beings don't have a sense of humor. It's your job to make as many jokes as possible, and if they don't laugh, call them out on not having a sense of humor. Popular jokes include:
"YOU LOOK BORED"
"WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME?"
"LET'S GIVE THIS GUY SOME WORK"
"I'LL TAKE THE WINNING TICKET!"
"ALL THESE ITEMS ARE FREE LOLZ"
Part III, Store "policy"
1. All members of whatever department are always experts about everything store related. No exceptions, if they say otherwise, they are lying to be lazy.
2. Receipts are more like suggestions. You can and should be able to make a return without them because they really don't mean anything other than what time you were there (BIIIIIIIIIG DEEEEEAAAAAAL) what you bought and what the price was. They should just take your word for it, since YOU pay their salaries.
3. Everyone owes you. Like it was just mentioned, you pay these putz's salaries every bag of chips you buy. Needless to say, they should pretty much be on their knees kissing your gnarled toes.
4. Closing time? Are you kidding? Look, some of us have to spend the day smoking bongs. You nerds need to adjust your curfew a little past 9:00 and live a little. If the doors are locked, keep banging on them until they open. If you keep getting bitched at because it's a half hour past closing and you're not done yet, just keep saying "one more item". For some reason these jackasses don't restock at that time, so selection is limited, which means? That's right, you're entitled to a discount.
Misc.
- The moment you get a coupon is the moment it becomes valid.
- You are always the funniest person in the store.
- Always pick the line with the most people on it, because chances are that cashier is giving things away for free.
- If you have to peek around to see if a register is open, do it while wearing your stupidest looking climax expression. Cashiers love that so much they look away from you and shut off the belt thingy.
- Have your own bags? Don't tell them until they've just bagged everything for you, then begin unbagging and saying "nononono".
- Bring your entire screaming family for good luck. Props if they're all really ugly.
- This is not a pageant, and there is no way you can look trashy. Ever.
- Bring your 167 year old mother, she's really helpful when not in senile mode.
- Signs are there to trick you and often subtle. Which KIND of soda is on sale? The one under the sign, or the one ACROSS from it?
*** Feel free to add on
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