The SC shopping handbook

[Kristev]

And remember, janitors simply adore wiping after your children, and your fanny. In fact, they might even enjoy wiping your fanny, too.

Make all the mess you want. The janitors have magic wands that can make the store bright and shiny again.

[EricKei]

Congratulations on your purchase of the Smart Consumer handbook. We will offer you a comprehensive guide on grocery shopping including all of the tricks, procedures, and actions you should take in order to ensure your shopping experience is both socially and financially benefiting.

IS it just me, or did anyone else hear the "handbook" being read by the voice of the old civil service mini-movies they used to show in school? (or, for more recent spawn, the one featured in South Park (Duck and Cover!) or Fallout 3)

[Rugsrat]

On Electronics:

1. Electronics purchases are some of the most important that you can make. They illustrate your social standing, and can make or break how well you do on the dating scene, and are a good indicator of how well your current relationship will do.

2. The employees in the store know everything about the inner working of the televisions, and can draw a map of the inner connections down to the last circuit board, should you desire such a thing. In fact, it's something they LOVE to do, is draw those little maps. Ask them about it, nay, DEMAND it.

3. In all cases, the most expensive option is the best way to go. No exceptions.

4. Employees will know exactly what sort of power cord or charger your device needs, regardless of how vaguely you describe the connector. You don't even have to know the brand of device in question. Simply give basic details: style, approximate size, and color. This should be enough. This also holds true for devices requiring memory cards. And if they ask you for anything more detailed, they're just stalling because they don't want to help you. Instead, repeat the same details you gave before, but this time in a more impatient voice.

On Contract Sales:

1. The employee checking to see if you are eligible for a contract/ credit card, or other transaction requiring personal data does not need to be able to see a valid form of ID. In fact, it is advisable for you to leave your license or other form of ID at home, after all, you might lose it if you're out and about.

2. All stores are on the honor system: meaning that they will accept any information that you give them, no questions asked. This goes double for legally binding contracts: You word is the only evidence they need.

3. Even if the primary company that handles your contract does not have you listed as authorized to make changes on an account, you can still do so at indirect sales locations. The ONLY reason for an employee to ask regarding such authorizations is to make it easier for themselves. They're lazy creatures.

4. Upgrade eligibility is a meaningless designation. You can get a new phone for a cheap price whenever you desire.

5. Plan requirements are likewise meaningless. That brand new smart phone doesn't really NEED internet to be a good phone.

6. If the employee working for the wireless department is on the phone, it is a good idea to speak loudly at them to get their attention. They are capable of splitting their attention in multiple directions, so having only to deal with two is easy.

[Andrew B.]

Don't forget. Whenever you have a problem due to a severe lack of planning, it should always be treated as an emergency. If they don't react correctly, it is ok to shout at the retail monkeys.

[Cretin75]

Ok, your CUSTOM framing with Musuem Glass, Preservation Mount, 3 fabric mats and a nice wood frame will be $200 with coupon. Awwwww shucks... I'm just kidding. How about you cuss at the designer about how bad the ecomony is and I'll just use some left over peppermint gum to attach your one of a kind Thomas Kincade print (ooooooooooooooooh no one likes that guy... for reals)

You just found that random piece of fabric on the floor with no board on it... what is that board for any way... no price, I found it.. that's right it's FREEEEEEEEEEEEE. Anything laying on the ground is fair game and it's FREEEEEEE.

Not sure about a purchase for lil Billy. Just let him stuff it in his mouth.. sure, take it, it's on the house if it's in the mouth.

If the line looks a little long, say 4 people in line and there are 2 cashiers, it's known as common courtesey to use your cell phone and call the store while in line to inform them that you're in a rush, or on your lunch break and that they need another cashier. You'll be greeted with many thanks when you finally get to the cashier.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

All About Ads:

From time to time, stores send out flashy papers, sometimes bundled in newspapers or mailed to your door, in which they advertise certain items they will be temporarily lowering prices on. A few things to remember when receiving these advertisements from stores:

-They become valid the moment you receive them. Even if the flyer says the sale starts tomorrow, or in a couple days, you can and should always expect the store to honor the advertised prices before that time. After all, they shouldn't be sending out the ads so early if they don't want you taking advantage of them!

-Ads are always misleading and designed to trick you into paying more, and this is something the store employees need to know about on a regular basis.

-If the item doesn't scan at the checkout, it is free. Also, this is the funniest joke ever known to man.

-When dressing down a store employee over the misleading-ness of the store's advertisements, always mention the Attorney General. Everybody in the store fears the Attorney General. He/She's like the Boogeyman/Boogeywoman.

-When finished with your shopping for the day, feel free to leave your copy of the store's ad laying on the floor. Or in the parking lot. Because they are bright and shiny, they'll make the world more colorful.

[Marmalady]

- If there are several of the product you want on the shelf, always bring the one without the price to the checkout. The cashiers get bored sitting there all day and love this kind of challenge.

- Keep telling them that 'the others all had £4.99 on them'. This is a huge help to the cashier. There are only about 1,000 different items, in all departments, that carry that price, so the cashier will be able to narrow it down easily.

- While waiting for the cashiers CW to locate said price and bring it to the checkout, drum your fingers, tap your feet, sigh loudly and ostentatiously check your watch. The more you do this, the faster the CW will be able to move. It's directly proportional, so drum, tap and sigh away.

- When the required price arrives, a loud 'Finally!' is all that is needed by way of acknowledgement. One doesn't thank peasants, it makes them get above themselves.

[MoonCat]

Doing Business By Phone:

First--and this is the most important rule--be sure you use a cheap phone. Don't pay money for a good phone. Any business you call probably gets a kickback from the cell phone manufacturers.

Be sure you call from a remote location while driving under a bridge. Bonus points if you're eating lunch or hosting a three year old's birthday party. Double bonus points if you're calling from (and making use of) the bathroom.

If you are hard of hearing, don't have someone else make the call for you. Just keep screaming "WHAT??????" at everything the call center moron says. It keeps them awake.

If you don't speak any English except "free?" go ahead and call. Call center workers love trying to translate every word you say, especially when you're on a bad phone. Endless fun.

If the last time you placed an ad was 14 years ago and it cost about $5.00, you are a steady customer who spends a lot of money and you're entitled to a discount. Also, they should know who you are when you introduce yourself as "Joe" and you shouldn't be asked to give your last name, verify your address, or provide your credit card information. They should already know all of this.

Remember, if placing your own ad via the online ad-placement system, any mistakes you make are the newspaper's fault. The system should automatically know that when you typed in "99 greeen Frod Tarrus wtih 157,000,000 miles and ne egnien" you really meant to say "Chevrolet 2006 Corvette, 60,000 miles, no winters."

[Shalom]

1) Your keycutter has an entire wall of keys at their disposal to use. What your keycutter won't tell you, is that all key blanks are the same. Ignore the patterns of stripes and grooves of each key. Those are just for decoration. You can choose the head that you want, and the pattern of grooves that you want, and the keycutter will use their machinery to make it fit in your lock. They don't even have to see your lock! That's why they're working as a keycutter.

Two words: Keyway King.

I always wanted one of those. Never could justify the cost, though.

[Lace Neil Singer]

The Customer Handbook For Using A Petrol Station.


1. If, when you arrive at the petrol station the cones are accross the entrance but the cashiers, otherwise known as Trained Monkeys, are in the shop, just drive over the cones or thru the back entrance. It does not matter if the sign says that the petrol station does not open til seven, you are the almighty customer and you need petrol NOW. It is the job of the TMs to open the petrol station whenever you need petrol, not when they want to. They are only refusing to do so cuz they are LAZY.

2. All pumps should be activated the second you pick up the hose. It does not matter if the nozzle is not in your car, even if you are pointing it at your face or towards the ground. If the pump is not turned on instantaneously, it is due entirely to the laziness of the TMs inside. You should always go into the shop and yell at them so they are aware just how angry you are at having to wait more than five seconds for the pump to become active. Of course, if you end up getting splashed with petrol cuz you are pointing it at your feet or at your clothes, that's all their fault. They should amply compensate you for not warning you that if you pull the nozzle out the car without stopping depressing the handle, you might get splashed.

3. It does not matter what you fill with petrol; whether it be a bucket, lemonade bottle or potty, you should be able to fill it with petrol. If the TMs refuse to switch the pump on, it is cuz they hate you and are doing this purely out of spite. This is due to the fact that they are jealous of your success and being spiteful by insisting on something pointless like Health And Safety regulations is their only pleasure in life. Treat them with the contempt they deserve. Say you will go elsewhere, which should soon prompt them to change their mind.

4. The sign above the tabacco products that states that all patrons who look under twenty five will be carded is a lie. The TMs only card you in order to make your life as irritating as possible and to deprive you of your precious smokey treats. They should automatically know that you are eighteen and simply serve you the smokes without asking for ID. Hell, even if you are not eighteen, they should still serve you smokes anyway cuz you pay their salary!

5. Everyone, even the lowly less than dirt TMs appreciate and love your precious children, so bring them in every time. Allow your precious Cznoflayke to scream at the top of her lungs for sweets, rampage about the shop pulling items off shelves, and try to steal the TM's pens. Your Cznoflayke is adorable; the TMs need to understand that if you are the queen, Cznoflayke is the princess. After all, without constantly having to clear up the mess that she makes in their store, they'd just be sitting there, twiddling their thumbs with nothing to do, so you're really doing them a favour.

6. Basic politeness is really wasted on these peons. They are of such a low intellect that they do not really understand anything more than a grunt, so you'd be wasting your valuable time saying hello, smiling or saying goodbye. The TMs are also psychic, and know instantly which pump you were on, so don't bother telling them. If they say otherwise, they are lying, or possibly, they wish to play a guessing game. Make them work for it by pointing vaguely in the direction that you came from, or saying that your car is red in a forecourt full of red cars. It's about the only entertainment that the TMs will get all day, so they will be grateful to you for playing it with them.

7. At the end of the day, if you see that pesky line of cones once again at the entrance, just drive over the cones or come in the back way. You need petrol NOW, not tomorrow, and you can't be bothered to drive five minutes down the road to get to the Shell. Therefore, the TMs have to reopen the petrol station so that you can fill your SUV right up to the brim. TMs don't have lives. They actually live in the shop, in the back room, so they don't really need to go home; they're just making it up to try and lay a guilt trip on you. Just stay put and insist on your rights. If you have to, honk your horn and yell profanities at the TM. They don't have feelings, after all.

[snugglegirl05]

Visitor parking in general

Anyone going to the 3rd floor (Admissions, Financial Aid, ect.) gets free parking. Anyone else going to a dept. located on the other floors has to pay for their parking.

The 6 signs stating Visitor parking is $5.00 do not apply to you if 1) you do not like the fact that visitors have to pay or 2) you did not see any sign stating vistor parking is $5.00

There will be a parking spot for you on the first day of fall semester to sign up for your classes & to pay for your tuition even though it is a zoo the first week of fall semester & you arrived late in the morning (well after everyone else did)

Sitting in your car at the exit gate after being told that if you want free parking you have to ask the parking office on the 3rd floor will cause me to raise the gate for you

When the meter lot across the street, which is owned by the city, not the university, is full, visitor parking is free

If you tell me this is your last day at the university, you get free parking

You tell me who you are, why you are here, & who you are here to see. Then if visitor parking is full I tell you "I'm sorry, but visitor parking is full." But you do not like that answer. So you repeat yourself a couple of times. A parking spot magically appears out of the blue for you.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The Big and the Bulky (COMPREHENSIVE)

The Big and The Bulky

So you've purchased the Super Mega Theater Tron 90-inch TV, and the accompanying TV stand and home theater sound system, but need a little help ferrying these large items to your vehicle. Not a problem! Stores are happy to deliver these items to your vehicle and load them inside Just For You! And best of all, this service is performed free of charge. How's that for customer service?

Here are a few pointers to keep in mind when purchasing big, bulky, boxy items such as furniture, TVs, and the like:

-Always roll up in a passenger car, the smaller the better. You don't want to drive up in a van, SUV or pickup truck. Vans are frumpy and uncool and unless you are a soccer mom you have no business driving one. SUVs kill the planet. Pickup trucks are only for rednecks, farmers, redneck farmers, people who are trying to compensate for something, and redneck farmers trying to compensate for something.

If you have one of these vehicles at home, leave it there and casually mention to the employee delivering your merchandise that maybe you should have brought the truck/SUV/van instead.

-If by chance you suffer a lapse in judgment and drive to the store in your truck/SUV/van, make sure it is strewn with whichever types of garbage you desire, and/or your big, bulky purchases from other stores you've visited that day. It is just too much to expect you to clean up the vehicle or drop off the other stuff at home. Also bring your children along, if you have any, and do not strap them in their seats. Feed them lots of candy and soda and ice cream before venturing out to the store, so the children are as hyper and uncontrollable as possible. After all, you can hardly be expected to parent your kids or hire a babysitter for an hour.

-When the cashier directs you to pull your vehicle up to the automatic doors at the front of the store, drive around to the pharmacy door, which has one manual door instead. This will save expensive gas and needless wear and tear on your vehicle. If the person carrying out your merchandise comes out the automatic doors and stands around because he/she doesn't see you, lay on the horn so they know you're there.

-Park on an incline whenever possible, so the employee gets the added benefit of a full aerobic workout of trying to simultaneously load up your item(s) and keep his/her cart from rolling into the parking lot toward a parked Mercedes-Benz.

-If the employee carrying out your merchandise asks to see your receipt, refuse to present it and loudly accuse him/her of accusing you of shoplifting. It is never your responsibility to prove you aren't a thief.

-Don't fret because your vehicle is too small, loaded with junk and your five hyperactive children! The store employees are masters at making even the largest of merchandise fit in the smallest of spaces, with absolutely no damage to the merchandise, your children, or your vehicle. And if you want them to take the item(s) out of the box(es) so it/they will fit better, you have only to ask.

-The store also has plenty of rope, twine, bungee cords, ratchet tie-downs, and so forth to secure your item in your trunk, or on your vehicle's roof, in rare cases where the item cannot be made to fit entirely inside your vehicle. Securing the item is entirely the employee's job, so sit back and light up a smokey treat as the employees work their magic. And should their efforts prove unsuccessful and your Super Playmaster Swingset takes a header off your car's roof and onto the I, call up the store and loudly complain about the poor quality of their products and their employees. Stores must stand behind the products they sell, and hire only the best.

-Don't bother farting around with new-fangled gadgets like rulers, yardsticks and measuring tapes, trying to determine whether that dresser will fit where you want it to fit. "Eyeballing" it is more than you need to do. If the item doesn't fit in the space, return it, in a loose pile of parts, nuts, washers and bolts, without the box, for a full refund. Or cut, fold, spindle, grind, hack, or otherwise mutilate the item until it fits, decide you don't like the way it looks, and return it to the store while complaining about the quality of their products.

-Employees aren't allowed to recieve tips, and you won't think to tip the guy carrying out your stuff anyway, but if you do take momentary leave of your senses, be insistent and persistent. Press the money in the employee's hand. Refuse to allow them to give it back, even if they tell you they can lose their job and the store canary happens to be close by eavesdropping on the action. It isn't your fault if the employee can't be honest.

-Make sure to ask the employee loading your merchandise if they can come home with you and carry it up the stairs and put it together for you. While this isn't quite as funny as the "if it doesn't scan it's free" joke, it's a laugh riot all the same, and the employee will appreciate your finely-honed sense of comedic timing.

[JustaCashier]

As long as they're still breathing they have to do what you say.

FIFY


Mike

[mattm04]

If you have selected a perishable item you no longer want, stick it any crevice or shelf. No need to worry about the ice cream melting in the cereal aisle.

If you make it to the front end and realize you no longer want a item, just stuff it in a soda cooler or magazine rack. Never hand it to the cashier, they are too incompetent to understand that you don't want a item and it needs to be put back. That takes actual effort and words out of your mouth.

[iron2004]

The SC Guide to Dining out

If there's one pastime people enjoy most, maybe moreso than sex, it's eating.

Don't have any idea what to make? Don't want to mess up the kitchen? The simple solution is dining out, and like every trade, there are many tricks to make your restaurant experience pay for you.

Arriving

Parking

Be sure to park where it's most convenient for you. Handicap spaces? Carry Out only parking? Who are these people kidding? You are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!! After all, restaurants exist to make things convenient for you so park where you want; if you are asked to move, it's only because the restaurant doesn't want to serve you.

Have an animal trailer, boat, RV, or Motor Home? Take as many spaces as you need, after all, it's not like anybody else needs them.

Entering and being seated

Those signs that read "Please Wait to be Seated"? Those are only a test to see if you know what you are doing. The experienced diner will just proceed to a table knowing that the scumbag, er waiter, will immediately attend to them, especially if deciding to sit at a dirty table.

If, however you are the sap that gets seated by the host, be sure to make the most of it. Play a game. Allow them to take you to a table, agree that it's ok, then when they leave, move to another table. To heighten the experience, move to a table across the restaurant; this lets everyone know who's in charge.

Large Parties

Restaurants love large parties, and yours is no exception. To make the most of it, call ahead and reserve half the dining room. Don't be silly and call your dining companions and confirm! If they show they show and if they don't, well there are only five or six tables that could otherwise be sat that now have to go empty until you leave because, "they may show up."

Also, give the host a random number for the amount of people in your large group. There's nothing waiters enjoy more than finding out that the party of 16 is really 29. The real fun for the waiter comes when having to find tables and chairs because all the other tables in that section have been seated.

The Experience--The most important part

The Waiter (your slave)-First Contact

As other portions of this handbook have already explained (and the waiter is no exception), these are scum only there to serve you. When they approach and attempt to greet you, merely cut them off, and launch into your order. It is up to you to put them in their place at the first encounter.

If splitting the checks, be sure to interrupt the waiter's orderly flow of order taking, and let them know who's with who. If there are more than two checks to be split, be sure all groups talk at once, the waiter is psychic and will immediately decipher these vocalizations and the hand raising accompaniment.

The Menu

When ordering drinks, don't bother referring to the menu, just order what you like, they are bound to have it. If on the off chance they don't, sigh and say, "just give me....". This will let your server know that although the game is just starting, they have already lost.

When the waiter asks if you'd like an appetizer, say no. This leads to fun in the future.

When the waiter has gotten the beverages for the table and is taking the order, be sure to empty your glass or mug in two gulps and interrupt the waiter, saying, "CAN I GET A REFILL?!?!?!" It's not like they are doing anything important, right?

Another important concept in the ordering process is ordering when you feel like it, not when your table is ready. This isn't rude, and it doesn't inconvenience your dining companions. The waiter's time is limitless, even if he's gotten three tables in the time he's been serving you.

Entrees, the main event; this is where the fun begins. Don't like the menu? Create your own! Just make something up. After all you are in a restaurant with every food known to man, I mean, who doesn't have waffles for godsakes? Any dish you want should be available; if you are rebuffed, it's only because the cooks are lazy and/or too stupid to understand.

Several minutes after the entrees have been ordered and the waiter has entered them into the POS to be cooked, now is the time to order appetizers, and it's completely reasonable to expect that they will be ready first, and if they aren't, then obviously the server is at fault.

The Wait

When waiting for your food, you should expect that salads and bread are complimentary accompaniments as every restaurant just gives these items away, and be sure to insist upon them in the most passive aggressive manner, this again lets the server know their place.

Staring the server down while waiting really let's them know you mean business, so be sure to fix yours with a withering glare. They take it as a sign of appreciation.

Also, when you've only been waiting 10-12 minutes, be sure to exaggerate this time. Servers love jokes like "Did you have to catch/pick/kill it?" They're almost as funny as the jokes supermarket employees enjoy that are also in this handbook.

In a hurry? Be sure to come to sit down/full service restaurant. The staff will do everything to accomodate you by making all other orders secondary to yours even those that came in before yours. After all, you should never be expected to manage your time yourself.

The food

When the food arrives, and especially if there's a lot of it with many accessories, be sure to interrupt the waiter with, "where's my....". He's just lazy and doesn't want you to have it. Pay no attention to the fact there are three trays with everything that has been ordered on them. The waiter is playing mindgames with you, don't let him win.

After you have everything, and miraculously the idjits got everything right, ignore your waiter when they come back to check on you. Alternatively, you can get back into passive aggressive mode, sigh, and say "ït's fine." After all, the waiter doesn't care, and is only doing the minimum amount of work required.

Don't like what you ordered? No problem, the cooks will make you whatever you want. Charge you? Are you serious? Who in their right mind would do that?

If there is a problem, that stupid waiter isn't going to a damn thing to make it right, so tell him everything is fine and wait for the manager to check on you. This is the appropriate time to unleash your litany of complaints.

If you see your server at another table, even if it appears that they are serving other guests, realize that they are merely goofing off and being lazy because YOU are the only one that really matters.

The aftermath-Part I

After you have finished eating and as the waiter comes by to collect your dishes, be sure to stack things such that they are wobbly and liable to fall. It is a proven fact that waiters are able to balance anything and everything they are given.

Also, be sure to have all 29 people in your party attempt to hand the waiter their empty plates at the same time; they can handle that. Only the lazy ones will have the nerve to insist on taking them in trips.

Dessert

Again, this is no time to look at a menu, that's a sucker's game. Instead, order what you want, they'll have it. If not, then customer service isn't their priority, and they're horrible, and stupid, and, and......

Birthday's always get free desserts. After all, you are just so special, that the restaurant insists upon acknowledging you, the MOST SPECIALIST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!! And of course, no one would lie about birthdays to get a free dessert, right?

Paying the check

Now the savvy diner knows that this is the time to raise a fuss. Managers will gladly give the store away to guests who complain loudly enough. After all we are in business to make you happy, even if we take a loss.

Loose change? Restaurants are the perfect place to dispose of it. Paying a $20+ check with quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies? Inconvenient? Hell no! Money's money, and we feel honored counting your change. The only inconvenience is the time we take from you counting it.

The Aftermath-Part II

Did you know that waiters are also janitors? So, be sure to leave your table as nasty and dirty as possible. This includes, but is not limited to, leaving your trash on the table or in the floor, knocking over your drink(s) and leaving it [them], smashing the salt and pepper shakers on pennies to make a hole and empty their contents onto the table.

Servers also enjoy it when you leave important personal items behind requiring them to run after you. This is their exercise, so remember you're doing them a favor.

Comment Cards

Restaurants, like most other businesses, thrive on customer feedback so most give their guests the options of filling out comment cards.

If you decide to fill one out, be sure to be as vague as possible. Refer to your server as "the tall blonde guy"or the "girl with glasses". It's not like the server told your their name, or was wearing a nametag so why should you go to the trouble of accurately identifying them.

Also dates and time are trivial details. If, for instance, there is a problem with the breakfast shift on Fridays, you shouldn't have to disclose the fact that your eggs were cold or that the coffee is bitter, the comment card reading, "this was the worst visit I ever had" will be enough to let the staff divine the issue.

KIDS

Like most every other business, restaurants love kids. In fact most waiters recieve training on serving kids, after all "kids are customers, too!" So, when dining out with your brood, be sure to follow these steps for their maximum enjoyment.

Don't supervise or parent at all; this is the job of the staff. Ignore your children and play on your laptops, iPhones, iPods, or whatever mobile electronic devices you have while they mess up table displays, displace dessert menus, and abscond with comment cards. If your precious angel, does gets hurt during while you're oblivious to them, it's obviously the negligent staff that's to blame.

As has been previously mentioned in this handbook, manners are wasted on service personel. Make sure your child understands this, and is as rude and obnoxious as possible. Everytime your waiter is near, they should be encouraged to to demand, "Wheres my food?", and "I need a refill!" And when the food does arrive, a healthy, "finally!" is in order.

Be sure to make as big a mess as possible. Although the food comes on a plate, just scoop it onto, and feed them from the bare table, then wipe the rest into the floor. Cleaning up after your kids gives your server a purpose, so they should be grateful to you.

Leaving

Be sure to stand around in the parking lot, playing chicken with other patrons as they arrive or depart.

The parking lots also serves as a trashcan, so be sure to empty your trash directly onto it. This will be seen as a going away present, and leave the most wonderful impression on the staff.

A final note

If you do end up having any problems, just realize that the people in the restaurant are just racist, sexist, homophobic, etc., and just not worth your time, anyway.