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Some customers we get are special cases. There's about 2 or 3 customers that everyone in the call center knows. Not for any positive reason but because they're the most angry, rude, pieces of crap walking this earth. For these customers there's an unofficial carte blanche to, while keeping it clean, mess with them to our hearts desire. Of course the names are redacted to protect my ass. These are the stories of those miserable f*cks.
Example 1: Perverted Pete
This guy calls in to sexually harass anyone that he happens to get on the phone. He's had the cops called on him several times and it's been confirmed that he has a strange fetish... He's turned on by electrical equipment. He's apparently turned on by calling reps and describing what he's doing to his electrical equipment. He calls about 8 times a night when he gets the itch and I've had the pleasure of speaking with him on multiple occasions. Conversations are usually very short as I'm not grossed out and he can tell I'm mocking him.
Me: Thanks for calling Bla Bla Bla Power & Light. How may I help you.
PP: I'm licking my meter.
Me: *thank you God* Excuse me?
PP: I'm licking my meter.
Me: I would suggest not licking the meter as it's exposed to the elements and possibly bacteria if an animal climbs on it. It could cause an infection. I would really refrain from licking any outside appliances or... anything outside really.
PP: hmmmmm *perverted heavy breathing* Do you think it's a good idea? *more heavy breathing* I might get shocked *pant pant pant* do you think that's funny.
Me: I don't think it's a good idea, but yes, I think that would be funny.
PP: *click*
Example 2: "Rageman"
This guy calls in so incredibly angry that he stutters and tries his best to make you as angry as he is. I caught on to his game early on. This is another guy that calls repeatedly, seriously, one call after another all day until his power gets turned back on. He tries to be as dirty and insulting as possible just to get under your skin. When I get a call from him it makes my day brighter because I can let loose on him without repercussions. Still have to keep it professional but you don't necessarily need to call someone an asshole to get the message to them that they are, in fact, assholes. It got to the point where he recognized my name and immediately hung up because he knew I wasn't scared of him. I use my most patronizing customer service "super nice" tone for this guy.
Me: Thanks for call...
RM: Yeah when's my power coming back?
Me: *Rageman! Haven't heard from you all week. I was getting bored* I'd be happy to look into that for you. May I have your address?
RM: *Gives me address as quickly and as garbled as possible so I'll ask again and take his bait. Joke's on him though, I keep his account number on my asshole list. Yes. I have an asshole list.*
Me: Thanks so much. I'd be happy to...
RM: ddddid you hhhhear me? I want to know when my ppppower will be back!
Me: I'd be more than happy to look into that for you, but there's not reason to be nervous... I'm here to help...
RM: nnnnervous?! Listen you f*cking D*ck, I just wwwwwant to know when you f*cking d*cks are going to turn my f*cking power f*cking on.
Me: I know it can be difficult and even scary sometimes being without power but I hear a lot of stuttering and repetition and I just want to let you know that there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
RM: What the... F*ck you! Your mother s*cks your d*ck you f*ggot.
Me: I dunno... I'm pretty sure I'd remember that... But we're totally digressing, I'm sorry, what was the purpose of your call? *ok that was a cheap shot but I love this guy's rage.*
RM: I WWWWANT TO KNOW WWWWHEN MY POWER'S COMING BACK YOU FFFFFF*GGOT!
Me: *trying my hardest to not laugh* What was that? I'm sorry, it sounds like maybe you're mouth is too close to the mouthpiece on the phone. You're coming in a bit loud and distorted.
RM: Clean your f*cking ears out you ball f*ck *yes he called me a ball f*ck once. No, I'm not sure what it means but it still makes me laugh*
Me: Just my luck, the day you let someone borrow your q-tips...
RM: Is this aaaaaaaaa joke to you motherf*cker!?
Me: Of course not, sir. If this were a joke one of us would be laughing. I'm certainly not laughing and, to be honest, you sound very upset.
RM: B*tch! My power's out! When's it coming back.
Me: Well, what I see is not an outage. I'm seeing there was a disconnection for non payment on a final notice. Unfortunately you have to pay $XXX.XX to restore service.
RM: *Rageman proceeds to go on a tirade full of stuttering curses and implied homosexuality. How a company can be gay is beyond me. Unless it's, like, the company that makes gay pride parade floats or the Logo channel. But gay pride floats are very elaborate and pretty and Logo plays Buffy the Vampire Slayer now so apparently that's a gay show and by proxy I'm gay for watching it. I'll have to figure out a way to break it to my girlfriend. I always thought those were manly tears that came out when I was watching the end Iron Giant. Supermaaaaan. Crap, gets me every time. Jeez I'm getting misty just remembering it. Wait, what was I talking about. Oh yeah, I think I drifted off while the customer was ranting. Back to the rage.* ...f*cking *sshole!
Me: I'm so sorry, but the system requires a payment before any order can be sent for reconnection. But as soon as it sees that the payment is posted your power will be reconnected in just 24 hours.
RM: *Rageman then rages about the reconnection timeframe, again, with lots of stuttering, cursing, and implied homosexuality. What is it with this guy and the gay thing? Is it really that much of an insult. I wish I were half as good looking and successful as my gay friends. Chicks love those guys. But who has time to hit the gym now-a-days? That totally cuts into my sitting-on-my-ass-watching-old kung fu-movies-on-netflix-while-drinking-a-beer time. Are you making me chose between being buff and watching Sonny Chiba rip off a dudes scro... damn it... did it again didn't I? I tend to do this when a customer starts to get boring. Ok back to the call* ...f*ggot *ss! Gggggo ffffff*ck yourself!
Me: I'm... just... not that flexible.
RM: F*CK YOU! *click*
I'm normally not an *sshole but these guys are special cases. Sometimes I'll get first timers that piss me off enough as to initiate transformation where my passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, contempt, and general hated of people come together to form, what I call, Douchebag Voltron. DV will then proceed to rip the customer a new one because that's what he does. He's got a special sword for it and everything. But I focus my douchiness on people who truly, truly deserve it. I don't use my powers against other CSR's or anyone else in the service, fast food, funeral, etc. industry. I'm super nice to everyone I talk to both in person and on the phone when I'm the one doing the calling, even if I'm a little bit peeved. But these guys brighten my day. All the other reps cry, often literally, when they get these two. I ask them to transfer them to me. It's the only outlet I have for my pent up rage since I'm not creative and can't dance and suck at Team Fortress. Does anyone else have these types of customers or am I truly the only a-hole that enjoys messing with these guys?
Example 1: Perverted Pete
This guy calls in to sexually harass anyone that he happens to get on the phone. He's had the cops called on him several times and it's been confirmed that he has a strange fetish... He's turned on by electrical equipment. He's apparently turned on by calling reps and describing what he's doing to his electrical equipment. He calls about 8 times a night when he gets the itch and I've had the pleasure of speaking with him on multiple occasions. Conversations are usually very short as I'm not grossed out and he can tell I'm mocking him.
Me: Thanks for calling Bla Bla Bla Power & Light. How may I help you.
PP: I'm licking my meter.
Me: *thank you God* Excuse me?
PP: I'm licking my meter.
Me: I would suggest not licking the meter as it's exposed to the elements and possibly bacteria if an animal climbs on it. It could cause an infection. I would really refrain from licking any outside appliances or... anything outside really.
PP: hmmmmm *perverted heavy breathing* Do you think it's a good idea? *more heavy breathing* I might get shocked *pant pant pant* do you think that's funny.
Me: I don't think it's a good idea, but yes, I think that would be funny.
PP: *click*
Example 2: "Rageman"
This guy calls in so incredibly angry that he stutters and tries his best to make you as angry as he is. I caught on to his game early on. This is another guy that calls repeatedly, seriously, one call after another all day until his power gets turned back on. He tries to be as dirty and insulting as possible just to get under your skin. When I get a call from him it makes my day brighter because I can let loose on him without repercussions. Still have to keep it professional but you don't necessarily need to call someone an asshole to get the message to them that they are, in fact, assholes. It got to the point where he recognized my name and immediately hung up because he knew I wasn't scared of him. I use my most patronizing customer service "super nice" tone for this guy.
Me: Thanks for call...
RM: Yeah when's my power coming back?
Me: *Rageman! Haven't heard from you all week. I was getting bored* I'd be happy to look into that for you. May I have your address?
RM: *Gives me address as quickly and as garbled as possible so I'll ask again and take his bait. Joke's on him though, I keep his account number on my asshole list. Yes. I have an asshole list.*
Me: Thanks so much. I'd be happy to...
RM: ddddid you hhhhear me? I want to know when my ppppower will be back!
Me: I'd be more than happy to look into that for you, but there's not reason to be nervous... I'm here to help...
RM: nnnnervous?! Listen you f*cking D*ck, I just wwwwwant to know when you f*cking d*cks are going to turn my f*cking power f*cking on.
Me: I know it can be difficult and even scary sometimes being without power but I hear a lot of stuttering and repetition and I just want to let you know that there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
RM: What the... F*ck you! Your mother s*cks your d*ck you f*ggot.
Me: I dunno... I'm pretty sure I'd remember that... But we're totally digressing, I'm sorry, what was the purpose of your call? *ok that was a cheap shot but I love this guy's rage.*
RM: I WWWWANT TO KNOW WWWWHEN MY POWER'S COMING BACK YOU FFFFFF*GGOT!
Me: *trying my hardest to not laugh* What was that? I'm sorry, it sounds like maybe you're mouth is too close to the mouthpiece on the phone. You're coming in a bit loud and distorted.
RM: Clean your f*cking ears out you ball f*ck *yes he called me a ball f*ck once. No, I'm not sure what it means but it still makes me laugh*
Me: Just my luck, the day you let someone borrow your q-tips...
RM: Is this aaaaaaaaa joke to you motherf*cker!?
Me: Of course not, sir. If this were a joke one of us would be laughing. I'm certainly not laughing and, to be honest, you sound very upset.
RM: B*tch! My power's out! When's it coming back.
Me: Well, what I see is not an outage. I'm seeing there was a disconnection for non payment on a final notice. Unfortunately you have to pay $XXX.XX to restore service.
RM: *Rageman proceeds to go on a tirade full of stuttering curses and implied homosexuality. How a company can be gay is beyond me. Unless it's, like, the company that makes gay pride parade floats or the Logo channel. But gay pride floats are very elaborate and pretty and Logo plays Buffy the Vampire Slayer now so apparently that's a gay show and by proxy I'm gay for watching it. I'll have to figure out a way to break it to my girlfriend. I always thought those were manly tears that came out when I was watching the end Iron Giant. Supermaaaaan. Crap, gets me every time. Jeez I'm getting misty just remembering it. Wait, what was I talking about. Oh yeah, I think I drifted off while the customer was ranting. Back to the rage.* ...f*cking *sshole!
Me: I'm so sorry, but the system requires a payment before any order can be sent for reconnection. But as soon as it sees that the payment is posted your power will be reconnected in just 24 hours.
RM: *Rageman then rages about the reconnection timeframe, again, with lots of stuttering, cursing, and implied homosexuality. What is it with this guy and the gay thing? Is it really that much of an insult. I wish I were half as good looking and successful as my gay friends. Chicks love those guys. But who has time to hit the gym now-a-days? That totally cuts into my sitting-on-my-ass-watching-old kung fu-movies-on-netflix-while-drinking-a-beer time. Are you making me chose between being buff and watching Sonny Chiba rip off a dudes scro... damn it... did it again didn't I? I tend to do this when a customer starts to get boring. Ok back to the call* ...f*ggot *ss! Gggggo ffffff*ck yourself!
Me: I'm... just... not that flexible.
RM: F*CK YOU! *click*
I'm normally not an *sshole but these guys are special cases. Sometimes I'll get first timers that piss me off enough as to initiate transformation where my passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, contempt, and general hated of people come together to form, what I call, Douchebag Voltron. DV will then proceed to rip the customer a new one because that's what he does. He's got a special sword for it and everything. But I focus my douchiness on people who truly, truly deserve it. I don't use my powers against other CSR's or anyone else in the service, fast food, funeral, etc. industry. I'm super nice to everyone I talk to both in person and on the phone when I'm the one doing the calling, even if I'm a little bit peeved. But these guys brighten my day. All the other reps cry, often literally, when they get these two. I ask them to transfer them to me. It's the only outlet I have for my pent up rage since I'm not creative and can't dance and suck at Team Fortress. Does anyone else have these types of customers or am I truly the only a-hole that enjoys messing with these guys?
but lately she's actually been in a good mood (personality transplant? new boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever? really good drugs?? all of the above?).
I also don't like the guy, for other reasons. Mainly, because he's pestered us on a (no longer) daily basis on things for 6 years, and hasn't purchased a thing!
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