Are you there beer? It's me, Irv

[Android Kaeli]

Okay, no milk then. How about bannanas? I got those as well.

I think that everyone should pitch in and write out chapter-length stories of what they deal with on a daily/weekly basis. I've told several former co-workers that I could easily make a book or two from my days at Taco Hell.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I love bananas. Yes, I have no bananas. So hand 'em over plz.

[Jester]

Regarding the title, I think Judy Blume (a fellow Key Wester, by the way) would be proud.

"Oh, I'm not concerned about width,"

Because of course the store staff can bend the laws of physics to make a wide couch fit into a narrow van.

Seriously, management needs to pull their heads out of their asses and start scheduling somebody for electronics at 8 am every day.

That makes sense. And therefore, is not allowed.

"Oh no, you're just saying that to get me to buy the most expensive one!"

1. It's called "sales" for a reason, lady.
2. There is the distinct possibility that the more expensive one IS better quality, IS made by a more reputable firm, and DOES have more features than the lower-priced ones.
3. If you don't believe 1 or 2, and think all four of the TV's are basically identical, shut the fuck up, stop bothering the hard-working staff, and buy the cheapest one, ya stupid shit.

..a brood of cackling old hens wanting to know why one of our Christmas light has bulbs in six colors (red, green, blue, amber, white and purple) pictured on the label, but the sets of lights themselves do not have the purple bulbs.

It's called "marketing." Blame the manufacturer. Stop bothering the staff.

Just kick back, bake some cookies, have some eggnog.

Mmmm, eggnog. Preferably spiked heavily with rum.

Your hearts are all in the right place, but I really don't want to deal with the flu again.

Don't get intentionally sick. That would be crazy! However, if you want, I can be your father/doctor/concerned male nurse neighbor and call your job to get you the day off. I am very good, and very convincing.

Hell, I had my friend believing that he was going to be hired to perform for NFL executives at the Super Bowl! I think I can convince a dumbass retail manager that you are far too sick to be out in public. (Plus, I have seven cousins who are doctors, and a friend/ex-girlfriend who's a nurse, so I could make it sound very freakin' convincing!)

[Mr Hero]

Oh, I'm not concerned about width

I thought all women were concerned about width.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Do you want us to send flowers or make a donation to your favorite charity?

Yes.

My favorite charity is the Society To Give Irv A Funeral That Puts The British Royal Family To Shame And Bury Him Upside Down So The Entire World Can Kiss His Ass.

[Mr Hero]

I'm fairly lactose intolerant. You don't wanna be in the same room with me after I've consumed mass amounts of milk.

You know, you could use this to your advantage on Wednesday.

[Mikkel]

Yes.

My favorite charity is the Society To Give Irv A Funeral That Puts The British Royal Family To Shame And Bury Him Upside Down So The Entire World Can Kiss His Ass.

They'd just use you as a bicycle stand .

[csquared]

Your hearts are all in the right place, but I really don't want to deal with the flu again.

Mine wasn't too bad. I kept the food down. Spent three days sitting on the toilet. I would do that before I worked the Swamp tomorrow.

Keep in touch. Let us know that you are OK.

Oh, we need the address for Society To Give Irv A Funeral That Puts The British Royal Family To Shame And Bury Him Upside Down So The Entire World Can Kiss His Ass, just in case.

[MoonCat]

I thought all women were concerned about width.

I wasn't going to say anything.

have some eggnog. Preferably spiked heavily with Xanax.

Irv, I think you've invented the perfect holiday drink.

[Enjis]

The title to this post makes me laugh and laugh.
Thanks for making me remember a book from my early years!

[Wenchie]

Hope you enjoyed your day off... and hope tomorrow isn't horrid!

[McGoddess09]

...Aaaand this is when you call in sick and come hang out with me because I'm cooler. We both bring eggnog and Xanax(spelling?).

BTW, no bullets with your name on it for you!

[Becks]

I thought all women were concerned about width.

Beat me to it.


*looking as innocent as I can*

[Sapphire Silk]

I thought all women were concerned about width.

Yet also length. It can be long, but it can't be too short.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

May I use this line for siggy goodness?

But of course. It is pleasing to my ego.