Tweet
These are some of the most stupid questions customers have asked me throughout the years.
Customer: Do you know where the restrooms are?
Me: No. That's classified. If they told me they'd have to shoot me.
Note: There was a huge neon sign suspended from the mirrored ceiling just behind me that said, "RESTROOMS ---->"
____
If the door to the bagel shop next door is locked, does that mean they're closed?
____
On Hilton Head Island in South Carolina:
1) Customer: Is the Boston scrod fresh?
Me: Yes. Of course it is. Didn't you just see the FedEx man deliver it?
2) Do you have to leave the island to get to Savannah, GA?
____
One night at the upscale restaurant where I worked a customer came in and ordered our special for the night. The special was whole fried flounder. I served the dish, and after a couple of bites the customer got a strange look on his face.
Customer: This fish has bones in it.
Me: Yes. You ordered a whole flounder... Not a fillet...
Customer: I'm afraid to swallow. I might get a bone stuck in my throat.
Me: Funny... that's what I said last night. [For the record, I couldn't help myself]
The customer's jaw hit the floor exposing bits of fish and fish bones in his agape mouth. At this point I just knew this rich regular would have me fired. It was my first week on the job. Imagine my surprise when he tipped me $80 on a $70 tab and then came in to eat every time I worked a shift.... lmao...
____
When I worked at a generic, franchised/corporate bar & grill where the menu never changes:
I answered the phone in the mandatory generic way, "Thank you for calling blah blah, this is so-and-so speaking. How may I help you?
The caller said he was a regular customer. Then he asked, "Do you have sticky buns?" (which we didn't)
I replied, "Mine aren't sticky. Are yours?"
____
In the auto repair shop I now run:
1) Customer: I have a $59.90 coupon for a brake service. What does that include?
Me: It includes new brake pads and turning the rotors if they can be turned. What are your brakes doing?
Customer: They're making a noise.
Me: Are they squeaking?
Customer: They were squeaking about four months ago. Now they're just really grinding.
Me: When was the last time you had a brake service?
Customer: I bought the car used about two years ago. I don't think it had a brake service before that, and I've never replaced them.
Me: We'll look at your brakes and measure your rotors to see if they're thick enough to be resurfaced. If they are too thin, they'll have to replaced. I'll let you know before we do any work to the vehicle.
After diagnosis:
Me: Sir, you're rotors are so thin they are probably glowing red hot during regular use. Your rotors must be replaced before you lose your brakes altogether.
Customer: Can't you just throw some brake pads on it?! I heard about garages scamming sports car drivers but not family car owners!
Me: It's true. I'm insisting you replace your rotors and pads because you own a four door vehicle with two car seats in the back. If you had a two-seater I'd give you brake pads and NO warranty.
Customer: What do the doors have to do with the brakes???!!!
Me: Well, since you have a four door with two baby seats that, presumably, hold two babies I cannot, in all good conscience, allow you to use a brick wall to stop your car.
____
2) Customer: I've got this coupon for a tune-up (new spark plugs) Can I use it?
Me: Certainly. Are you getting a tune-up for maintenance purposes or are you having trouble with your car?
Customer: Well, I think it's misfiring (missing a spark).
Me: Are any of the warning lights on?
Customer: The check engine light is on.
Me: Is the car doing anything else?
Customer: Sometimes it won't start. It stutters sometimes. Oh, and it hesitates.
After diagnosis:
Me: Sir, your car is 16 years old and has 230.000 miles on it, yet you seem to have the original spark plug wires (held together with electrical tape), distributor cap and distributor rotor in the vehicle (all commonly replaced ignition parts). In order to get your vehicle to start reliably and alleviate the misfire, these things have to be replaced. It requires 1.5 hours of labor @ $70/hr and $85 in parts.
Customer: What?! You mean to tell me that's not included in the $29.90 coupon?! This is a scam.
*It seems that 90% of the population thinks a tune-up will solve any problem, and any garage who says otherwise is ripping them off. I recently had to explain why a 2 year old work van needed an engine replacement. I'm thinking it might have had something to do with the fact that their last oil change was 46.754 miles ago... duh
____
Customer: Do you know where the restrooms are?
Me: No. That's classified. If they told me they'd have to shoot me.
Note: There was a huge neon sign suspended from the mirrored ceiling just behind me that said, "RESTROOMS ---->"
____
If the door to the bagel shop next door is locked, does that mean they're closed?
____
On Hilton Head Island in South Carolina:
1) Customer: Is the Boston scrod fresh?
Me: Yes. Of course it is. Didn't you just see the FedEx man deliver it?
2) Do you have to leave the island to get to Savannah, GA?
____
One night at the upscale restaurant where I worked a customer came in and ordered our special for the night. The special was whole fried flounder. I served the dish, and after a couple of bites the customer got a strange look on his face.
Customer: This fish has bones in it.
Me: Yes. You ordered a whole flounder... Not a fillet...
Customer: I'm afraid to swallow. I might get a bone stuck in my throat.
Me: Funny... that's what I said last night. [For the record, I couldn't help myself]
The customer's jaw hit the floor exposing bits of fish and fish bones in his agape mouth. At this point I just knew this rich regular would have me fired. It was my first week on the job. Imagine my surprise when he tipped me $80 on a $70 tab and then came in to eat every time I worked a shift.... lmao...
____
When I worked at a generic, franchised/corporate bar & grill where the menu never changes:
I answered the phone in the mandatory generic way, "Thank you for calling blah blah, this is so-and-so speaking. How may I help you?
The caller said he was a regular customer. Then he asked, "Do you have sticky buns?" (which we didn't)
I replied, "Mine aren't sticky. Are yours?"
____
In the auto repair shop I now run:
1) Customer: I have a $59.90 coupon for a brake service. What does that include?
Me: It includes new brake pads and turning the rotors if they can be turned. What are your brakes doing?
Customer: They're making a noise.
Me: Are they squeaking?
Customer: They were squeaking about four months ago. Now they're just really grinding.
Me: When was the last time you had a brake service?
Customer: I bought the car used about two years ago. I don't think it had a brake service before that, and I've never replaced them.
Me: We'll look at your brakes and measure your rotors to see if they're thick enough to be resurfaced. If they are too thin, they'll have to replaced. I'll let you know before we do any work to the vehicle.
After diagnosis:
Me: Sir, you're rotors are so thin they are probably glowing red hot during regular use. Your rotors must be replaced before you lose your brakes altogether.
Customer: Can't you just throw some brake pads on it?! I heard about garages scamming sports car drivers but not family car owners!
Me: It's true. I'm insisting you replace your rotors and pads because you own a four door vehicle with two car seats in the back. If you had a two-seater I'd give you brake pads and NO warranty.
Customer: What do the doors have to do with the brakes???!!!
Me: Well, since you have a four door with two baby seats that, presumably, hold two babies I cannot, in all good conscience, allow you to use a brick wall to stop your car.
____
2) Customer: I've got this coupon for a tune-up (new spark plugs) Can I use it?
Me: Certainly. Are you getting a tune-up for maintenance purposes or are you having trouble with your car?
Customer: Well, I think it's misfiring (missing a spark).
Me: Are any of the warning lights on?
Customer: The check engine light is on.
Me: Is the car doing anything else?
Customer: Sometimes it won't start. It stutters sometimes. Oh, and it hesitates.
After diagnosis:
Me: Sir, your car is 16 years old and has 230.000 miles on it, yet you seem to have the original spark plug wires (held together with electrical tape), distributor cap and distributor rotor in the vehicle (all commonly replaced ignition parts). In order to get your vehicle to start reliably and alleviate the misfire, these things have to be replaced. It requires 1.5 hours of labor @ $70/hr and $85 in parts.
Customer: What?! You mean to tell me that's not included in the $29.90 coupon?! This is a scam.
*It seems that 90% of the population thinks a tune-up will solve any problem, and any garage who says otherwise is ripping them off. I recently had to explain why a 2 year old work van needed an engine replacement. I'm thinking it might have had something to do with the fact that their last oil change was 46.754 miles ago... duh
____
...I love you
Comment