Regular burger.

[Sofar]

I hate to be asked for "just a regular burger." I know our menu is fiendeshly confusing and you can't be bothered with these new-fangled bells and whistles, but "just a regular burger" means nothing to me. When you ask for a regular burger I have to ask three questions, and you'll get more and more fed up with me as I ask them. Here's a typical exchange, identical to one I had yesterday with an old man.

"I just want a regular burger."
"Okay. Do you want cheddar on that?"*
"I just want a regular burger." (They never say "yes" or "no." They always just repeat themselves.)
"Do you want everything on that? Lettuce, tomato, onion—"
"I just want a regular burger." (At this point we've established that "regular burger" means plain meat and bun.)
Here's the last question, I always get burnt on this one, the response to this question is always unpleasant and so are the consequences should I forget to ask: "Would you like fries with that?"
"I JUST WANT A REGULAR BURGER!"

That's it. That's always how it goes with the regular burger people. And of course shortly after I serve them their regular burgers, they say, "Look, if you're going to charge 3.95 for these things then you'd better put pickles on them." Because I'm fearless, I occasionally respond, "Well, you could have told me what you wanted." And then they say, "I told you I wanted a regular burger."

*Occasionally the response to, "Do you want cheddar on that?" is "Don't you have American cheese?**" when I say no, they sometimes follow with, "We live in America, you know."

**Not cheese. Plus it always goes runny when we put it on the burgers.

[Spiffy McMoron]

You should get little signs like they have at Subway. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, Subway has a little sticker that announces what they'll put on the sub if you want it "loaded": Lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, black olives, cucumbers, and pineapple. (Maybe one or two other things... )

Anyway, you simply make a sign that says what's on a "regular" burger:
1)Meat
2)The top half of the bun
3)The bottom half of the bun

Simple, no?

P.S. How come people always think what they want is a "regular" burger, and never an "irregular" burger? Is it even possible to have an "irregular" burger? If a "regular" burger is just meat and bun, wouldn't it make sense that any burger with cheese, toppings, or condiments be an "irregular" burger? Wouldn't it also make sense that I get the hell to bed before I go crazy?

[Imogene]

No, an irregular burger is what you get when you order at Steak and Shake, a regular burger is what you get when you feed a cow lots of fiber.

[Retail Associate]

...Wouldn't it also make sense that I get the hell to bed before I go crazy?

Too late!

[AFpheonix]

*Occasionally the response to, "Do you want cheddar on that?" is "Don't you have American cheese?**" when I say no, they sometimes follow with, "We live in America, you know."

**Not cheese. Plus it always goes runny when we put it on the burgers.

They're a state away from fabulous Tillamook and their tasty dairy products, and they want squeeze cheez?

[Luckymom]

You know the one time you give someone a "regular burger", just bun and meat, withouth asking what they want on it, will be the one time they wanted everything.

[Gurndigarn]

They're a state away from fabulous Tillamook and their tasty dairy products, and they want squeeze cheez?

American cheese is plastic cheese, not squeeze cheeze. There's a difference. (At least in application. The final results, though, come in roughly the same.)

[Lace Neil Singer]

Isn't squeeze cheese cheese spread? And American cheese Semtex cheese, ie plastic and highly dangerous?

[Sofar]

They're a state away from fabulous Tillamook and their tasty dairy products, and they want squeeze cheez?

We use Tillamook cheese, actually.

[Becks]

Would it be too hard for them to say "I want a burger with just pickles on it" if that's what they want?

[Boozy]

Would it be too hard for them to say "I want a burger with just pickles on it" if that's what they want?

Of COURSE its too hard! You should know that by now! Don't tell me that after all this time you still have expectations of logical behaviour in customers!
This story reminds me of the little old lady we had at the cafe who would order a "plain" muffin.
"Um, we have bran, carrot, banana, blueberry...."
"PLAIN! Just a PLAIN muffin!"
After a few times of this, we'd just grab a random muffin and hand it to her. She never complained.

[AFpheonix]

American cheese is plastic cheese, not squeeze cheeze. There's a difference. (At least in application. The final results, though, come in roughly the same.)

I've always considered american to be a solid rubbery sheet of the same cheez crap that comes in aeresol form.
Bleah, either way.

[Tria]

Would it be too hard for them to say "I want a burger with just pickles on it" if that's what they want?

Because that would make sense.... And if it make sense.... Say it with me....

[BookstoreEscapee]

OK, if I want a just a burger with nothing but the bun, that would be a "plain burger"

A "regular burger" would seem to be a burger with whatever the particular restaurant puts on their standard, basic burger. After all, if you went into McDonalds and ordered a "regular" hamburger, you'd get ketchup, mustard, onions, and pickles (mmm, pickles...damn, now I want one. tonight might be one of those rare McDonald's nights...)



btw, don't cows get enough fiber on their own? that's where we get so much of that globe-warming methane!

ooh, and fries...with honey...and a chocolate shake........ok, back to work.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Can you just tell people to burger off? XD Sorry, that was bad.