The top ten things you would love to say at work.

[bigjimaz]

I wasn't sure where to post this. If it should be elsewhere, I'll find it the next time I visit.

10. If I throw a stick will you leave?

9. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

8. And your cry-baby, whiny-ass opinion would be...?

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

6. The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

4. I don’t know what your trouble is but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. I see you set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

2. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

1. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.



What are the things you would love to say at work, either to the management or the customers?

[Lace Neil Singer]

10. Don't ask me, I just work here.

9. No, I'm not open; I just have this strange habit of sitting behind tills for fun.

8. It's behind you!

7. I could tell you where the milk was, however, where would be the fun in that?

6. No, you don't need coffee, what you do need is a pair of glasses.

5. I'm glad I ruined your Christmas.

4. Just cuz you have no life outside of this store, doesn't mean I don't either.

3. We're now closed. You have 10 seconds to leave before we release the hounds.

2. *hands customer application form* There you go. Since you're complaining how we have no staff, you can be part of the solution!

1. You know, if you left, that would be 1 less customer in the store, so it wouldn't be so busy.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

What are the things you would love to say at work, either to the management or the customers?

11. If you insist on marinating yourself I might have to import a tribe of cannibals.

12. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

13. Unless it's bleeding profusely, on fire, or about to reach critical mass...I'm on my lunch break.

14. Awww...there goes your track record then. (in response to the classic "Well I've never been so insulted in all my life"

15. "You've been very rude to me! I demand a discount" followed by my "And you've been a total asstard to me. I want [wnatever they sell at their store] for free."

16. In response to "That's too expensive! I want it cheaper." I'd like to reply with "And sinners in hell want ice water."

17. Or "Wish in one hand and crap in the other. We'll see which one gets filled faster"

18. Or "And I want a day where I don't have to deal with whiny entitlement whores. Looks like neither of us is getting what we want.

19. Considering that my job entails having to deal with obnoxious people like you 8 hours a day, 6 days a week, I couldn't think of a more fitting punishment for you than to have my job.

20. Do you see this? This is my A+ Computer Technician certificate. See this? This is my Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer certification. You have just told me that you don't know the first thing about computers. This means that I have the skills and you don't. So please Shut The [censored] Up and let me do my job.

[ArenaBoy]

10. Nice penis extension (car) sir, how much did that cost?

9. I do not care if the cheerleader on the ticket is cute, to me she looks like a whore and is not my type anyway. *Insert shock look on customers *

8. Sir, if you keep talking I am going to fall asleep, you're boring me.

7. You do realize that I control where you park right?

6. We're running a secret syndicate where we take your money.

5. I do not care how much you pay for this lot sir, you must live a sad life if you have to throw that around.

4. So tell me, does all that hair gel used just to hold your tiny brain in?

3. I never heard of you sir, are you that famous in your own little world?

2. Sir, bribing me is not going to work and if you're using $2 you're pretty much a cheapskate.

1. So tell me, how is it being that pathetic in life that you have to brag your shortcomings to a lowly parking grunt?

[MissVendetta]

10. I'm off the clock, idiot. Anything I do now, would be considered charity and you as an object of my goodwill...nah

9. Because you're stupid, that's why.

8. That would be so funny if I hadn't heard the same joke million times before.

7. I know your Mom must think you're really special, but I am not your mother. So no, you cannot drive your car to the garage.

6. So you have no parking spot? Boo-f***ing-hoo, get over it.

5. I love the way you throw your visitor ID at me. Can I now throw something at you for change?

4. Just shut up, will you?

3. And that is my problem how..? Oh wait, it isn't my problem.

2. That's it, Mr. Pervy! I am calling your wife! And your Mom!

1. I could, but I won't.

[Gravekeeper]

10) I'm afraid I'll have to refuse service on the grounds that your parents were obviously related to each other.

9) Unfortunately the problem appears to be that you lack the mental capacity to use the Internet, or the computer itself. In fact I'm not even sure you're qualified to operate the phone you're using. Please, put the phone down and find a more appropriate activity such as a colouring book.

8) Hey! Guess what? I don't give a sh*t!

7) Is there some way I could convince you to steralize yourself? The fact you may or have already bred makes me fear for the future of humanity.

6) Sorry, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a moment while me and the other operators discuss what large, spiney animal is lodged up your rectum.

5) So tell me, what DOES piss and cornflakes taste like? Since judging by your attitude you're obviously familiar with the flavour.

4) I have more patience then you do so you may as well give up now and save us both the time.

3) Ok, here's what you need to do: Go find yourself a pair of scissors.......got em? Good. Ok, now, locate the phone line going to the back of your phone. See it? Ok, now, stay with me here, I need you to use the scissors on the phone line. This may or may not disconnect your call, but don't be alarmed. If it seems like the call has dropped just hang up and try to call back again.

2) Do you need me to contact a pyschologist for you? You seem to be irrationally reverting to your childhood.

1) Have a nice day and please find some way to ensure that you die screaming in a brush fire before the end of the week. Thank you.


Bah, ok, gotta go....need to write my shift report for this morning. -.-

[Drakstern]

10.) The world does not revolve around you. It's a shocking concept, I know, but if you're having trouble getting it, try sitting in a dark room for a week with no contact with the rest of humanity.

9.) *After "So you're not going to help me"* Duh, what part of 'I need this information to finish this call' didn't you understand?

8.) Cry more.

7.) Wah, wah, wah. What? I thought acting like spoiled children was what we were doing. Must just be you then.

6.) If it's been broken for more than six months and you're just now calling about it, it is NOT urgent. If it was urgent, you would've called six months ago.

5.) Ohhh, I'm sorry, you're an asshole. You go in the penalty box.

4.) If you know how to do my job so well, why don't you do it?

3.) I'm sorry, but the previous call notes say you're a self-righteous entitlement snob. Apparently, when you call back, I'm supposed to dispatch a squad of goons to take your phone away from you so you can never contact us ever again. However, if you want to be polite, we can just go ahead and bypass that.

2.) STFU.

1.) GTFO.

[Ackee]

Ahh, finally!

1) No, go away, you are far too stupid to use this library
2)Either you get out of my sight or I will beat you with this stick until you stop moving
3)Go and have a shower and don't ever go out in public again unless you are sure you are clean.
4) Here you go, a nice new change of clothes for you, stick with the habit
5) Go away you dirty little pervert, researching pornograpy does not equal respected academic.
6) Go away and brush your teeth
7) You are an idiotic bully, I don't like you, I am not giving you a pass.
8) Taking to yourself is weird, go and get some help
9) You are a vindicive little cow, pretending to be nice only makes me wish harder that you fall into the hands of a serial killer(perhaps too mean?)
10) oops ran out

Of course it would be more satisfying if it actually made them change their ways permanently....
Ha!

[Becks]

10. I'm not your slave.
9. If you don't like the way I'm doing it, do it yourself.
8. My mom can beat up your mom.
7. Asshats not allowed.
6. I don't care.
5. No, really, I. Don't. Care.
4. I'm using my magical powers for evil instead of good. Leave me alone.
3. {{Many horrifically obscene and vulgar things in foreign languages}}
2. They make medications for that, you know.
1. Does this look like a rash? (as I'm rubbing my arms because they're peeling from a sunburn.)

[XCashier]

1. Read the sign! You know, that big one next to the door that says, "closed"? Guess what? That means this store is CLOSED!
2. What time do we open? Well, why don't you read that huge red sign on the other side of the door--you know, the one that lists the store hours?
3. Didn't your mother teach you to wash up and wear clean clothes before going out into public?
4. There is NO SMOKING in this store! Yes, that includes standing in the doorway puffing away!
5. Your beat-to-hell 1922 Peace Dollar that you've been carrying in your pocket for eighty years, rubbing it daily for good luck and sending it through the washing machine every week is not worth as much as this uncirculated 1922 Peace Dollar encased in a slab and certified by a grading service. Deal with it.
6. I see you have a cell phone. Whoopee. So does everyone in this country. Nobody is impressed. And nobody wants to hear your 90 db conversation with your proctologist. Shut up and hang up!
7. This is not solid silver, it's silver plated. See, it's marked right here, "silver plated". No, we won't buy it because nobody wants to buy it from us. Try eBay.
8. That is not solid gold, sir, it's not even gold plated. Sorry, I do not believe that you have a solid gold reproduction coin the size of a dinner plate, because there's no way in hell you could afford it.
9. Sir, we closed five minutes ago. Please stop haggling and go home or we're calling the police.
10. See my sig line for my favorite thing I'd like to say at work!

[Worker-Intellectual]

10. See that package marked "Subway" in my hand? That means I'm on lunch. That also means I don't have to be nice to you, asshole.

9. See that cell phone? If you don't shut up, the only person who will be able to use it will be your proctologist!

8. If I was a professional plumber/electrician/(insert trade here), do you think I would be dealing with morons like you for minimum wage?

7. NO SOUP FOR YOU!

6. (To manager) You're complaining because I need to call for a void? You know how to solve that? Let me do my own! Oh, right, I've worked for you without even complaining for over a year, why should I think you can trust me. Silly me. And get your ass over here and do it. Those precious customers are waiting.

5. Mr. Pesci to checkout 4 for a price check. And bring a baseball bat.

4. Congratulations. You've made my list of people to kill. You are between the shoe nazi and one of my profs.

3. Can you read? Yes? Well, try it sometime.

2. (sound of crowbar impacting skull of SC)

1. Everyone, just f*** off. I've dealt with enough morons today.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

10. Throw away that dirty diaper you left in your cart before I whip it at your head!
9. We are out of that item, dipshit. It'll do you no good to ask somebody else.
8. If you fall down while riding that bike around the store, I get to laugh at you.
7. We charge $20 an hour for babysitting services.
6. Yes, that IS the price of the item.
5. I'm not paid enough to care. Go bother somebody else.
4. Shut that screaming brat up already!
3. I'm on break. Go bug somebody else.
2. No, dipshit, we don't have any more PS3's/Wiis. No, dipshit, I don't know when we are getting any more in.
1. I'm off the clock, buttweed. Go harrass somebody else!

[BookstoreEscapee]

10. Don't ask me, I just work here.
9. No, I'm not open; I just have this strange habit of sitting behind tills for fun.
4. Just cuz you have no life outside of this store, doesn't mean I don't either.
3. We're now closed. You have 10 seconds to leave before we release the hounds.

I have used (or at least heard) these (or similar wording). But...
10. only to other employees
9. only to a customer who looked open to being joked with
4. to a woman 15 minutes after closing who refused to get up off the floor with her bags (some of which we're pretty sure was stolen), my coworker said "you need to leave--we closed 15 minutes ago and WE want to go home!"
3. one of the guys announced "we are closed. we will release the dogs in 30 seconds" but, sadly, only after we had already locked the door

[saint]

1. I quit.
2. I quit.
3. I quit
4. I quit.
5. I quit.
....Need I continue??

[DesignFox]

I'm not feeling too creative...I'm sure I could come up with more and better. Actually, I know I've said funnier... ah well. here goes-

1) Fuck off. (I've wanted to say that to certain managers and co-workers)

2) Stop telling me how to do my job!

3) For any question I need to ask, suffix with the word, Dumbass.
i.e. What is your name, dumbass?

4) I bet your five your old would understand it....

5) What part of "limited time only" didn't you understand?

6) NO.

7) We're closed. Now get out!

8) To the people who mess up displays the millisecond after I've put them back together: "Put that back, you lazy asswipe!"

9) To the drunks: "don't you have anything better to do?"

10) To the mallrat teenagers who come in and trash the store every friday night- "Get a life and stop hanging out at the mall. It's not 'cool.' Stop bugging me and my real customers! Also, I'm calling security."
(no offense to any responsible teens, who have common sense and good judgement...in my experience they are few and far between) I hate Friday night at the mall...