The top ten things you would love to say at work.

[TNT]

10. [To the customer who refused to verify the last four digits of her social security number] You're three months behind on your cable bill and you live in the worst slum in town. Trust me when I tell you no one wants to steal your identity.

9. Fun fact: the satellite companies also expect you to pay your bill.

8. Here's an idea: you could use this cable outage to introduce yourself to your kids.

7. Well, that kills the whole idea that there's no such thing as stupid question.

6. I'll bet you can live without cable for an hour. Really. I know people who've done it.

5. You run a fabulously successful home business that takes in thousands of dollars an hour, and yet you don't even dial-up for a backup. That's certainly a responsible business decision.

4. The email servers are working fine. You're not getting any mail because even spammers hate you.

3. You may just have to accept the fact that you're not smart enough for the internet.

2. Frankly, the fact that your friend down the block can't hook his PS3 up to your wireless router doesn't mean that we're an evil monopoly charging outrageous prices in order to bankrupt the community and take over the world.

1. I now inform you that you are too far from reality.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

10. Newsflash: I don't control the prices, so your whining and bartering techniques are useless

9. If you don't like the long lines, go somewhere else.

8. I'm not your wife, nor your dog. Even if I were, I'd dump your butt or pee on your leg if you continue to yell at me.

7. Get out of my line if you can't speak properly - I have enough trouble hearing a normal tone of voice, but your mumbling is ridiculous.

6. No, I can't break your $100 when we just opened 10 minutes ago. Go to the bank when it opens.

5. Get off that phone and answer my question before you have to require a hysterectomy to remove it from your arse

4. No, we have no manager available to listen to your crap at this time. Call back and leave a message

3. Here's a revolutionary new device created to separate customers' orders. It's called a DIVIDER. Try it out. It won't bite you

2. Ever hear of a debit card? In the time it's taking you to dig out your checkbook, fumble for a pen, look at the display for the total six times, then write so slowly that our Founding Fathers wrote out the Declaration of Independence in less time, you could have already paid for your purchase, gotten your bags into your cart and been standing in line at the coffee house by now.

1. We're closed. Go the Hell home and stay there until 7 a.m. the next day.

[Retail Associate]

10. Answering the phones: "What the f**k do you want?"

9. "Don't make me come up there!" (response to cashiers who constantly call for price checks.)

8. "I don't know how to get to _______. Does it look like I'm standing in an information booth?"

7. "I don't have time to do your shopping for you, you lazy bitch."

6. "Here's a totally new concept. Put them back where you got them from." (...an answer to, "Where should I put these?)

5. "Up your ass." (...another answer to, "Where should I put these?)

4. "Read the f*****g sign!" (...an answer to "Are these the ones on sale?")

3. "Since you pay my wages, I want a raise."

2. "If you aren't going to accept my answer, don't ask the question."

1. "You don't want to make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."

[crazydaisy]

10) If you look at the label, it will tell you the size AND the price.
9) How should I know? I just work here.
8) I have ONE PAIR of hands madam, I'll be with you as soon as I've finished with this queue of poeple who were here before you.
7) No, I don't know when we'll be getting summer clothes in, as it's still technically winter in this part of the world.
6) I'm just gonna wait til you finished talking on your mobile phone, cos I would surely hate for you to have to try and do two things at once, like talk AND be polite to me, the shop assistant, at the same time.
5) If you don't like any of our clothes, then f*** off to another shop.
4) No, I don't know if (insert name of another store here) will accept American Express cards, as I've never worked there before.
3)I don't care if you just got it from the bank, I can't accept that obviously fake money that you probably made yourself at home.
2) Would you do that in your own home? No? Then why do you think you can do in it my store? (actually said once to a customer who was leaving a trail of clothes on the floor from the front door to the dressing rooms)
1) F*** off. I'm going for my lunch break now. Go bother somebody else, why not?

[darkcrimsongoth]

1. I have a handbag. I am not working.
2.Do not ask me "will this fit my curtains? (with measurements)"
3. Don't just point to the item which is outside the store and tell me the price when the item scans wrong.
4. Please stop your kid from playing with the gates at the register. Other people have to use the registers too.

[Lace Neil Singer]

3. Here's a revolutionary new device created to separate customers' orders. It's called a DIVIDER. Try it out. It won't bite you

I hear you there; that's a pet hate of mine. I have mental thoughts of using the dividers for another purpose every time an SC screeches, "That's not my shopping!" at me when there's nothing indicating where their shopping ended and the next person's began.

(Disclaimer: I understand the rule about customer violence, however these thoughts remain in the house of horror that is my mind and never spill out into public.)

[XCashier]

2) Would you do that in your own home? No? Then why do you think you can do in it my store? (actually said once to a customer who was leaving a trail of clothes on the floor from the front door to the dressing rooms)

WOOT! Good for you! How did the customer react: ashamed, deer-in-the-headlights, picked up the clothes or affronted that the Lowly Peon should correct Her Majesty's behavior?

[ArenaBoy]

Have to add a Top 5 because of some idiots I got last night.

1. Does everything turn into Swahili for you? How hard is to not understand what your pass says and what the sign says?

2. Yes, this is my lot, now show me your pass or get out! (Actually said it)

3. A bribe? Do I look like a corrupt politician to you?

4. Here's an idea: How about you show up on time and don't bitch at me when you get to Whiskeyclone 30 minutes after the game has started!

5. Speak English, not dumbass.

[Jester]

10. If I throw a stick will you leave?

Hehe....that is actually a line my friend, a magician, often uses in his act with some of the more obnoxious folks. It ranks right up there with "There's a bus leaving for [their hometown] in fifteen minutes. Be under it."

My Top 10 things that I have actually said at various jobs:

10. As a bartender (jokingly): "Shut the fuck up!" Or if I am being polite: "Shut the hell up!"

9. To people who have tried to negotiate a lower price for their drinks: "Does this look like a bazaar to you?" or "Sure, I can sell you this for [a higher price than I originally quoted], no problem!" Kills their negotiating spirit REAL quickly!

8. As a bartender and waiter, jokingly, to people who order water or sodas in my bar: "Get out of my bar!"

7. Seriously, to the dumbass that questioned my ability and experience as a bartender when I didn't shake his gin and tonic: "Do you NOT want your drinks?"

6. Seriously, daily, and with great inner joy and love for the bar owner, at the waterfront bar I work at: "I'm sorry, we don't do separate checks. House policy."

5: Seriously, and far more often that I would care to: "I can't control what other people at other establishments may or may not have done, but I cannot serve you without proper identification under state law!"

4. With great joy, to the GM of the hotel I used to work at , and Shit Weasel's boss: "I am resigning, and here's why."

3. As a magician, to various annoying kids: "Do you have any younger brothers or sisters? No? Ever wonder why?"

2. As a magician to an obnoxious spectator interrupting my act: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yes, I know I listed that above as something as I have said as a bartender, but I don't often do it as a magician, and a year ago, this one actually resulted in my being hired to do a private party for the spectator. In Las Vegas.

And without question, my favorite thing I have ever said at a job...

1. As a bar DJ: "Ladies and gentlemen, this bar is now closed. If you are not staff, if you are not sleeping with the staff, and if you have no plans of sleeping with the staff, it is now time for you to get the fuck out!"





Sadly, even with all of that, I have not said all of the stuff I have wanted to. So, top ten things I HAVEN'T said at work:

10. To the patron who snaps at me: "If you do that again, you may lose your fingers or your entire hand, depending on my mood. If you need to get my attention, there are far better and more polite ways to do it, but I am not your freakin' servant boy, and I will NOT be demeaned like that, you self-important piece of shit!" I haven't said it, but BOY have I thought it!

9. To the people who give me the dreaded Verbal Tip: "Oh, thank you so very much for telling me how great my service was. I strive to do my best at all times. Now, if only you would shut up and actually show me your gratitude in the way I prefer, with money. Because words are cheap, and it takes money to buy whiskey, you cheap bastard!"

8. To the young looking folks that don't have their ID with them yet are shocked that I won't serve them alcohol: "I don't care who you know, you don't know me. More to the point, I don't know you. So unless you either produce a valid ID or find one of these many staffers you say know you, none of which seem to be working today for some reason, you aren't getting any damn booze."

7. To the foreigners who are upset that I can't serve them with the ID they produce, say a German driver's license: "Yes, the liquor laws here are draconian and ridiculous. Yes, they suck. And yes, I should be able to serve you with that ID, rather than requiring you to have your passport with you. But, see, I don't MAKE the laws, I simply WORK UNDER these laws. So stop giving me shit for that which I do not control."

6. To the people who are in a hurry and for some reason expect that the busy restaurant/bar they are in is going to be able to produce their well done steak as quickly as, say, McDonald's does a burger: "Open up your fucking eyes and look around you, pal. This isn't fast food, this place is jumping, and if you honestly thought that you were going to be able to get that food that fast, then you seriously have something wrong with you. You want something fast? Go to a fast food establishment. You want something good? Great. Sit down here, shut up, and enjoy. But you can't have it both ways, jackass."

5. To all the people who have asked me the really, really stupid questions in my career, including bu not limited to Upstairs Man: "Are for real? Why did they let you out of the house? What planet are you from?"

4. To all the people who want everything and then some for free: "You look way too well dressed to think this is a soup kitchen, you cheap rude annoying buttplug!"

3. Self-explanatory: "Yes, we've added a gratuity to your party of 20. You know, the party of 20 that wanted separate checks and didn't tell me about it until the end of the meal, forcing me to work unbelievable magic with the computer. The party of 20 that made an absolute mess of the place, and ran me like I was Dustin Hoffman in "The Marathon Man." The party of 20 that took up my whole section and made it so I couldn't take any tables besides them. Yes, we've added that gratuity because far too often, parties like this jack the server, and I happen to work for an establishment that thinks I should get paid for all of this. And yes, we DO expect you to pay that. Because, see, if I want to work for charity, I will go contribute my time and talents to a charity of my choice. But this bar ain't it. And by the way, if you liked the service? Feel free to add on more. I don't mind, and karma will reward you for it."

2. To Cocksucker, a former boss, and one of the two worst I have ever worked for, along with Shit Weasel: "FUCK YOU!"

1. To Shit Weasel, my very recently former boss: "FUCK YOU!"

[AirHostess]

10) If you want luxury fly BA
9) I don't really care if you die from not fastening your seatbelt or standing up when the seatbelts signs are on but it's my job to pretend I do. And I don't fancy all the paperwork.
8) I'm not a flying waitress
7) Sit down and shut up
6) If we crashed I'd be the first one off the plane

can't think of any more!

[Deceptitech]

10. No sir, you placed the order last night at 11:04 PM. Overnight shipping will not mean you will get it today. Just because you want it now does not mean i will get it for you now. If you want, for $5,000 extra, I can guarantee delivery to you by 12:00 pm, and I will personally deliver it to you.

9. Why are you yelling at me because the local store pissed you off? I can't fire them either.

8. I see the problem, there is an input error between the computer and the chair.

7. DILLIGAF(Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?)

6. How does it feel to want?

5. Yes ma'am, allow me to transfer you to someone who cares. *release call*

4. Sir, You cannot get a return label because you don't like the color. If you break it and tell me that it arrived broke, you will not get your money back. That's called fraud.

3. You can yell all you want. screaming does not equal results in here.

2. I am not going to give you the money because you ordered 20 items with rebates just cause you wanted the rebate on all of them and you can't. read the terms and conditions of the rebate.

1. My Driver's license sayd I am Deceptitech, not Jesus Christ. I do not perform miracles.

[biscuitchan]

10.) ...You're like, what, 10? What the hell are you doing parading yourselves around in that singular rag and fishnets?

9.) So. You bought this watch this time last year. You've been using it since then, nothings wrong with it, except for the fact its horribly worn down now. You don't have the reciept. And you want to exchange it for a new watch at the same price you bought it for, even though its now down to a fiver because it just went into the sale. Ma'am, are you an idiot?

8.) No, no, let your kids swing from the gondolas. This is the childrenswear section, after all.

7.) Yes, of course we have a lift for our little tiny shop. It's invisible though, it's adjacent to the door. Yes, where the staircase is. Don't worry about falling, just walk straight out.

6.) No, no, let your child scream its lickle voicebox out because it wants that fun-straw. This is the childrenswear section, after all.

5.) Don't ask me; both those skirts make you look fat.

4.) Yes, your butt looks big in that. Now leave me alone.

3.) Store's closed now. Yes, really. Now get out before I get the Poking Stick.

2.) Oh no, of course I don't mind being 15 minutes late for going on my break. My only purpose in life is to serve you, after all. What? No, no sarcasm there.

And my all time number one thing I'd like to say to at work;

1.) No, I don't work here.

[Rubyred]

10. No I can't give you cheaper rates. If I did we would be losing money and thats not about to happen.

9. No you did not call in for paper last week. I know you didn't. I was here.

8.No, we are not responsible for that 12,000 dollar lease you signed. Thats your name on the paperwork, not mine. And no we will not "take care of it for you".

7. I don't care that you were charged a 3000 dollar cancellation fee. Thats what happens when you leave and steal our equipment. It states so in the contract that YOU signed.

6. Nowhere in my job description does it state that I am an accountant. I will help you out once in a while if our settling bank did something funky with your deposits, but if you call me every single week because you can not add, I will start charging you for my time. I don't care if you feel that that is "unacceptible" and neither does my boss.

5. The debit that you see EVERY month on the SAME day is your fees. This number will vary depending on what you volume for the month was. It has been like this the entire time you have been processing with us. No I will not refund them.

4. It is not my responsibility to monitor you chargebacks..it is yours. You get the letters. I don't. I will be happy to respond for you if you fax me what is needed. If you lose and/or you don't have the information necessary (ie. signed receipt, batch report etc) it is not my problem.
4a. No we will not pay it for you.
4b. No I will not monitor them for you.

3 For the last time....I told you when we opened the account for you that anything dealing with AMEX I CANNOT help you with. I will be more than happy to call them with you on a conference call, but they will not talk to me unless you are on the line. I have no control over this.

2. Say it with me.....Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

1. DEPOSITS TAKE 48 HOURS. PERIOD.

[Dips]

1. If you tell me right off the bat that you don't plan to spend any money on this, you've also just told us that we actually aren't losing anything if you take your business elsewhere.

2. Yes. You are a very old customer. But what makes you think you come ahead of people who've spent money with us recently?

3. No. Good customers are people who buy things often and act like adults.

4. I know you're wealthy and you think that makes you imporatant. I'll fill you in on something, though. We don't care how much money you have. We care how much money you spend. Trust me, there's a difference.

5. That's the same question you just asked me. The answer isn't going to change just because you re-word it.

6. That's the same question you just asked my co-worker. The answer isn't going to change just because you ask me.


7. So you lost your disks when you moved, never registered your license and you don't have any other kind of evidence that you ever purchased our software? It looks like you're pretty scroooowed.

8-10 will be automated messages I'd love to see in our phone system:

8. We're sorry we couldn't take your call. Please leave a message after the tone with your name and your phone number. If you don't leave your number, don't expect a call back.

9. Hello, this is Carl in tech support. I'm either away from my desk or helping another customer. Please leave a message. Calling Dips in the main office and demanding to be put through to me a second time will result in your hearing this exact same message a second time.

10. Thank you for calling Awesome Software. We are closed now. [Nelson] HAH-hah! [/Nelson]

[staticradio]

10 psycho responses...

10. Instead of "Have a nice day!" it'll be "Hope you die in a fiery car crash!" (just for the reaction)

9. Pay attention, numbnuts!

8. No, it's not free... (grab handsaw)... I'M TAKING IT OUT OF YOUR HIDE!

7. How about getting frozen products at the end, MMKAY? (mopping up turkey blood from the belt) (I actually stated this...not as quite, but close)

6. It's not you, it's...no, it's you.

5. How about I beat you down with this loose credit card kiosk?

4. I don't feel the need to enforce policy since you would not follow it anyway.

3. I don't think the DMV will be paying for your purchase today sir. (a few people have actually swiped their driver's license instead of their credit card)

2. I feel the need to tell you this: muzzle your children, or they will be forced to endure the pit of despair (enter burly & smelly guy in wife beater) ok, who's next? (lifts arm) (children screaming)

1. Welcome to (insert store name here). Please refrain from leaving your garbage in all parts of our store, as we will hunt you down and beat you with a wet noodle. Thank you, that is all...