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I am such a jerk. 
Blue, wait, yellow!
Me: "-are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "No!"
Me: "....?"
SC: "I'm at the airport-"
Me: "Do you need to book a room?
SC: "Yes!"
Easy there. The question was "Do you need to book a room" not "WHAT….is your favourite colour?".
Bonus points if you get that joke.
Fail
Ok, you called once….and hung up on me. Then you called again….tried to hang up on me and somehow failed. You actually FAILED at hanging up on me. I don't know how or why, but somehow you did. You slammed the phone down and I guess you actually managed to miss the cradle. Unfortunately you did not manage to injure yourself. However, if I have to judge based on your present motor skills, I won't have to wait long for that to come to pass anyway.
So next time you're teetering dangerously close to traffic just know I'll be right there next to you, cheering you on.
Mystery Theatre
Me: "-and what city are you in?"
SC: "The airporter!"
The what now? I'm pretty sure that’s not a city…….in fact I believe it’s a kind of bus. That means you've failed to answer my simple inquiry on not one but two levels. Luckily for you I work off of a generous 3 strike policy so you have one more try. So lets calm down, take a deep breath, pull your pants back up, put the crack pipe down ( Just taking a wild guess ) and look around you for any indication of who or where you might be. Once you've assembled a suitable host of clues please call back and I'll be happy to assist you in piecing together the mystery.
Yet More Hotel Fun..
SC: "What was the name of the hotel again?"
Me: "The Coast Vancouver Airport Hotel"
SC: "The what Vancouver Hotel?"
Me: "Coast"
SC: "T? Ok, Toast Vancouver Hotel."
Me: "…no, Coast."
SC: "Host?"
Me: "COAST"
SC: "Coast?"
Me: "Yes!"
Toast? TOAST? How the hell did you get toast? Why did you even think that was right? I need a newspaper….or something….anything. I need something I can roll up into suitably heavy club like object so I may HIT you over and over. Bad dog, NO BISCUIT!
Gee, I Wonder Why
Caller informed me he was in custody. Apparently he took some guys wallet for reasons unknown and the guy tried to beat him up….again, who knows why? But he didn’t want to fight the guy, so he kept backing away. He assures me he could kick the guys ass if he wanted to though. So he sort of ran in a circle from the guy for a while till the guy got a friend ( Who was big enough to kill him, apparently ) and he was "roughed up" a bit by Guy Attacking for No Reason and Man Big Enough To End His Exsistence.
Then they said that he attacked them with a hammer but he assures me that the hammer was in his bag and it NEVER came out. Then a breath later he tells me he took the hammer out and threw it at them. Then he said he was "dusting his knees off" and the cops said he had dope on his hands but he says its just candle wax.
Despite all this he doesn't know why the cops have him in custody.
That Helps, Thank you.
I could not reach any of the On Calls on my initial attempt. The wife of On Call #4 informed me that they were all down in Washington at a particular hotel. She told me the name of the hotel but she didn't know the number to it or any of their room numbers. She said I'd just have to track it down and call there to try and find them.
Gee, thanks. I must have missed the part where my life became a Hardy Boys novel.
Fight > Spell > Logic 3.......No Effect....
Caller complained that the date on her receipt was incorrect. Apparently she paid her bill around 2 days ago but the receipt says June 6th, 2007 according to her. I ask her to repeat that: 06/02/07. I, perhaps foolishly, elect to use logic on her and point out that the machine goes by dd/mm/year not mm/dd/year, in which case it would miraculously become Feb 6th, 2007…..the date she paid the bill. She would not accept this and vehemently insisted it was otherwise.
I know, it was stupid of me. Using logic on them is so incredibly futile I should have known better. It's like throwing kerosene on a campfire. Sure it might be briefly amusing but overall it’s a bad idea and someone's going to get hurt. In this case my brain.
Glory
Me: "Is there a storeclerk there I can speak with?"
SC: "Sure, jus a sec…."
Me: "…"
SC: "Hey! C'mon!"
Me: "…?"
SC: "C'mon! C'MON!"
Me: "…."
SC: "GET MY COAT!!$! <hangs up>"
….ok? Did you think I was "on to you" or something? Did I somehow unknowingly crack the code? Because if I just made you run for the Mexican border by asking one a single question I have to take a break so that I may bask in my own glory for a while.
Come Prepared
Ok, you know that I paged you to call in for a message. You know that you're calling in for a message. You know that the message will likely be somewhat lengthy and require you to record vital information. So why oh why do you NOT have a pen and paper ready when you called? Its not like there aren't enough hints for you to draw the conclusion you need one.
In fact, next time I page you in the middle of the night, here's what I need you to do: Before you get out of bed, roll over and ask Nancy Drew ( or Lassie if you're a bachelor. Heck, maybe its Lassie if you're married too. ) what to do as I'm not sure if you're ready to tackle this responsibility alone just yet.
Don't bother trying to ask the cat. He hates you just as much as I do.
Property Management
SC: "Can you let me into the laundry room?"
Me: "Sorry, I have no way of letting you into the laundry room. This is an emergency line."
SC: "But I need my cloths out of the laundry room by 7am!"
Is it a job interview? Go naked. It'll probably give them a better impression of you then relying on your intellect alone would have.
No!
No, no, no, no, NO DAMMIT I can't answer your questions. That’s what the information package is for. Take it and leave me alone! Don’t make me scrawl "No" in pink marker on a post-it note and then try to nail it through your forehead with a thumbtack and a computer speaker. My left speaker doesn't work anyway so it may as well be useful for something. It doesn't have a lot of weight to it though so it may take me awhile. I hope you've kept your morning free.
I Hate You Just Because
SC: "Have a great day!"
Oh yes, I'll get right on that despite the fact 2am. I'm sure there are lots of people having a great day right now. The problem is judging by the current time those people are in Europe.
I Don't Even Ask Anymore
SC: "I accidently used ya'lls machine"
…you what? Accidentally? How the heck…this should be good. Please, go on.
SC: "I stuck my card in and tried to get money from it"
Hah….you thought it was an ATM? ( They look NOTHING like an ATM. )
SC: "Now I can't get my card out!"
Ahhhhhh….it must be great living in a State that can apparently be brought to a screeching intellectual halt by the crossword puzzle on the back of a box of Coco Puffs.
( I reserve the right to not mention which state for fear of reprisal Lets just say that 99.6% of all Tech Support calls between 11 and 7am are from this State and they're almost ALL something fantastically stupid. )
Vocabulary
( Yes....the same line and the same state, <sigh> )
SC: "If ma phone get cut off can they aggravate my phone if I call from another phone?"
….say what? See, this is why you shouldn't strain yourself by trying to use big words. They're obviously beyond your current intellectual power. Stick to single syllables, they're much easier. In facy, hey, just pick up the phone and grunt into the receiver for a while then work your way up from there.
So....What a Do You Want Exactly?
( This is a franchise info line for a certain major sub sandwich chain. )
SC: "I'm not looking for franchise information but I have a problem with your coupons."
Allow me to translate: "I'm fully aware this the wrong number but I feel the need to call and complain about something that’s not your problem, not related to what you do in anyway and is something you couldn't do something about even if you wanted to."
Short version: "I eat glue."
Embarrassing Shift Commentary ><
( Pay attention to this....like all my journals it was emailed to every manager/supervisor in the company )
( For reference they had finally upgraded my work machine to a 3.2 ghz with a gig of ram. ^^ )
Woot! New computer! Finally~!@ If you could avert your collective eyes for a moment I feel the need to engage in a happy and I cannot guarantee that my pants will remain on throughout the duration.
Embarrassing Shift Commentary Followup
( I had to sent this exactly 30 seconds after I sent the one above )
Engage in a happy dance, happy DANCE! ><
I Am a Bastard
( This is a company that rents out those lifts you use for working on telephone poles, traffic lights, etc. You know, like a bucket on the end of a crane. )
A tech from <company name> ( Another of our clients ) called in to say that he was using a lift from <client name>…..and it jammed…..in the up position…...with him still in it….oh, and he's alone. Hah! But wait, it gets better. ( Yes I'm enjoying this, I am a total bastard. ). The on call for <client name> said there really wasn't anything he could do for the guy because they don't offer 24 hour service. But he said he'd call him anyway
I really wish I could listen in on their conversation. ^^
You're Calling me Why?
( This line is a province wide emergency line for catastrophic train related accidents like someone being sucked under a Skytrain. )
Me: "<client name> Rail Emergency"
SC: "Yeah hi, my hot water tank exploded-"
Unless your hot water tank was hit by a Skytrain I don’t believe I can assist you.
No!
SC: "I know the recording said emergency, but-"
No buts! I DO NOT ACCEPT BUTS! This is a strict No But zone. Keep it in your mouth and/or pants.
<Makes throttling motions>
Me: "What system are you using?"
SC: "I don't know, what do you mean?"
Me: "I need to know what system you have."
SC: "I have no idea."
Me: "Ok"
( When a caller doesn't know what system/software they own I have to wake up a field tech in their area to go figure it out. Its a time consuming pain in the ass for everyone involved and ensures they won't get the help they actually need for much much longer then if they had bothered to learn. )
( I get the guy's name, location, store, etc and open up a hardware case file... )
Me: "What's the problem?"
SC: "The <name of the God damn system he owns that I asked for> system is down."
Argh! What did I ask you to begin with? You knew the answer, damn you! Why do you torment me so? Does it amuse you? What dark, cruel God do you worship that demands you inflict such suffering to appease him? Does his name start with the word "Alcoholism"?
Sigh
( This guy is the on call of a glass replacement company....it has "Glass" in the name. All he does is replace glass. The only reason we page him at night is if someone needs glass replaced. The pager he has is a work pager so it won't be paged for ANY other reason. Yet after we paged him he called in.... )
On Call Guy: "Who's this Craig?! Why do I have to call him!? What does he want?"
Oh, I don't know…..GLASS? Holy flippin monkey tits man, get a clue. Its not that hard. I don't even work for you and *I* know what it is you do based off the name of your company alone.
Vocabulary #2
( Yes....its that State again )
SC: "I need these funds dispersed to my energy company!"
…."dispersed"? What did I tell you people about trying to us big words? Stop it. Just….stop. Stick to the grunts, yips and wild gestures that you're use too. Once you get the hang of those we can see about moving you another spot to the right on the chart of human evolution. Maybe if you really put in the effort you can make "Monkey" by Christmas.
Clarity
SC: "Yeah, I saw your ad the other night during the hockey game and-"
You saw it yesterday night during the hockey game…..and it just occurred to you now at 3am the following night? This struck you as the best time to call? Well, actually, I guess when you're only working with as much brain power as you have there you've gotta leap on the few moments of mental clarity you have. Since you never know when they'll come again….if at all.
( Oh lord, its so long I have to do two posts..... o.O )
Blue, wait, yellow!
Me: "-are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "No!"
Me: "....?"
SC: "I'm at the airport-"
Me: "Do you need to book a room?
SC: "Yes!"
Easy there. The question was "Do you need to book a room" not "WHAT….is your favourite colour?".
Bonus points if you get that joke.
Fail
Ok, you called once….and hung up on me. Then you called again….tried to hang up on me and somehow failed. You actually FAILED at hanging up on me. I don't know how or why, but somehow you did. You slammed the phone down and I guess you actually managed to miss the cradle. Unfortunately you did not manage to injure yourself. However, if I have to judge based on your present motor skills, I won't have to wait long for that to come to pass anyway.
So next time you're teetering dangerously close to traffic just know I'll be right there next to you, cheering you on.
Mystery Theatre
Me: "-and what city are you in?"
SC: "The airporter!"
The what now? I'm pretty sure that’s not a city…….in fact I believe it’s a kind of bus. That means you've failed to answer my simple inquiry on not one but two levels. Luckily for you I work off of a generous 3 strike policy so you have one more try. So lets calm down, take a deep breath, pull your pants back up, put the crack pipe down ( Just taking a wild guess ) and look around you for any indication of who or where you might be. Once you've assembled a suitable host of clues please call back and I'll be happy to assist you in piecing together the mystery.
Yet More Hotel Fun..
SC: "What was the name of the hotel again?"
Me: "The Coast Vancouver Airport Hotel"
SC: "The what Vancouver Hotel?"
Me: "Coast"
SC: "T? Ok, Toast Vancouver Hotel."
Me: "…no, Coast."
SC: "Host?"
Me: "COAST"
SC: "Coast?"
Me: "Yes!"
Toast? TOAST? How the hell did you get toast? Why did you even think that was right? I need a newspaper….or something….anything. I need something I can roll up into suitably heavy club like object so I may HIT you over and over. Bad dog, NO BISCUIT!
Gee, I Wonder Why
Caller informed me he was in custody. Apparently he took some guys wallet for reasons unknown and the guy tried to beat him up….again, who knows why? But he didn’t want to fight the guy, so he kept backing away. He assures me he could kick the guys ass if he wanted to though. So he sort of ran in a circle from the guy for a while till the guy got a friend ( Who was big enough to kill him, apparently ) and he was "roughed up" a bit by Guy Attacking for No Reason and Man Big Enough To End His Exsistence.
Then they said that he attacked them with a hammer but he assures me that the hammer was in his bag and it NEVER came out. Then a breath later he tells me he took the hammer out and threw it at them. Then he said he was "dusting his knees off" and the cops said he had dope on his hands but he says its just candle wax.
Despite all this he doesn't know why the cops have him in custody.
That Helps, Thank you.
I could not reach any of the On Calls on my initial attempt. The wife of On Call #4 informed me that they were all down in Washington at a particular hotel. She told me the name of the hotel but she didn't know the number to it or any of their room numbers. She said I'd just have to track it down and call there to try and find them.
Gee, thanks. I must have missed the part where my life became a Hardy Boys novel.
Fight > Spell > Logic 3.......No Effect....
Caller complained that the date on her receipt was incorrect. Apparently she paid her bill around 2 days ago but the receipt says June 6th, 2007 according to her. I ask her to repeat that: 06/02/07. I, perhaps foolishly, elect to use logic on her and point out that the machine goes by dd/mm/year not mm/dd/year, in which case it would miraculously become Feb 6th, 2007…..the date she paid the bill. She would not accept this and vehemently insisted it was otherwise.
I know, it was stupid of me. Using logic on them is so incredibly futile I should have known better. It's like throwing kerosene on a campfire. Sure it might be briefly amusing but overall it’s a bad idea and someone's going to get hurt. In this case my brain.
Glory
Me: "Is there a storeclerk there I can speak with?"
SC: "Sure, jus a sec…."
Me: "…"
SC: "Hey! C'mon!"
Me: "…?"
SC: "C'mon! C'MON!"
Me: "…."
SC: "GET MY COAT!!$! <hangs up>"
….ok? Did you think I was "on to you" or something? Did I somehow unknowingly crack the code? Because if I just made you run for the Mexican border by asking one a single question I have to take a break so that I may bask in my own glory for a while.
Come Prepared
Ok, you know that I paged you to call in for a message. You know that you're calling in for a message. You know that the message will likely be somewhat lengthy and require you to record vital information. So why oh why do you NOT have a pen and paper ready when you called? Its not like there aren't enough hints for you to draw the conclusion you need one.
In fact, next time I page you in the middle of the night, here's what I need you to do: Before you get out of bed, roll over and ask Nancy Drew ( or Lassie if you're a bachelor. Heck, maybe its Lassie if you're married too. ) what to do as I'm not sure if you're ready to tackle this responsibility alone just yet.
Don't bother trying to ask the cat. He hates you just as much as I do.
Property Management
SC: "Can you let me into the laundry room?"
Me: "Sorry, I have no way of letting you into the laundry room. This is an emergency line."
SC: "But I need my cloths out of the laundry room by 7am!"
Is it a job interview? Go naked. It'll probably give them a better impression of you then relying on your intellect alone would have.
No!
No, no, no, no, NO DAMMIT I can't answer your questions. That’s what the information package is for. Take it and leave me alone! Don’t make me scrawl "No" in pink marker on a post-it note and then try to nail it through your forehead with a thumbtack and a computer speaker. My left speaker doesn't work anyway so it may as well be useful for something. It doesn't have a lot of weight to it though so it may take me awhile. I hope you've kept your morning free.
I Hate You Just Because
SC: "Have a great day!"
Oh yes, I'll get right on that despite the fact 2am. I'm sure there are lots of people having a great day right now. The problem is judging by the current time those people are in Europe.
I Don't Even Ask Anymore
SC: "I accidently used ya'lls machine"
…you what? Accidentally? How the heck…this should be good. Please, go on.
SC: "I stuck my card in and tried to get money from it"
Hah….you thought it was an ATM? ( They look NOTHING like an ATM. )
SC: "Now I can't get my card out!"
Ahhhhhh….it must be great living in a State that can apparently be brought to a screeching intellectual halt by the crossword puzzle on the back of a box of Coco Puffs.
( I reserve the right to not mention which state for fear of reprisal
Lets just say that 99.6% of all Tech Support calls between 11 and 7am are from this State and they're almost ALL something fantastically stupid. )Vocabulary
( Yes....the same line and the same state, <sigh> )
SC: "If ma phone get cut off can they aggravate my phone if I call from another phone?"
….say what? See, this is why you shouldn't strain yourself by trying to use big words. They're obviously beyond your current intellectual power. Stick to single syllables, they're much easier. In facy, hey, just pick up the phone and grunt into the receiver for a while then work your way up from there.
So....What a Do You Want Exactly?
( This is a franchise info line for a certain major sub sandwich chain. )
SC: "I'm not looking for franchise information but I have a problem with your coupons."
Allow me to translate: "I'm fully aware this the wrong number but I feel the need to call and complain about something that’s not your problem, not related to what you do in anyway and is something you couldn't do something about even if you wanted to."
Short version: "I eat glue."
Embarrassing Shift Commentary ><
( Pay attention to this....like all my journals it was emailed to every manager/supervisor in the company )
( For reference they had finally upgraded my work machine to a 3.2 ghz with a gig of ram. ^^ )
Woot! New computer! Finally~!@ If you could avert your collective eyes for a moment I feel the need to engage in a happy and I cannot guarantee that my pants will remain on throughout the duration.
Embarrassing Shift Commentary Followup
( I had to sent this exactly 30 seconds after I sent the one above )
Engage in a happy dance, happy DANCE! ><
I Am a Bastard
( This is a company that rents out those lifts you use for working on telephone poles, traffic lights, etc. You know, like a bucket on the end of a crane. )
A tech from <company name> ( Another of our clients ) called in to say that he was using a lift from <client name>…..and it jammed…..in the up position…...with him still in it….oh, and he's alone. Hah! But wait, it gets better. ( Yes I'm enjoying this, I am a total bastard. ). The on call for <client name> said there really wasn't anything he could do for the guy because they don't offer 24 hour service. But he said he'd call him anyway
I really wish I could listen in on their conversation. ^^
You're Calling me Why?
( This line is a province wide emergency line for catastrophic train related accidents like someone being sucked under a Skytrain. )
Me: "<client name> Rail Emergency"
SC: "Yeah hi, my hot water tank exploded-"
Unless your hot water tank was hit by a Skytrain I don’t believe I can assist you.
No!
SC: "I know the recording said emergency, but-"
No buts! I DO NOT ACCEPT BUTS! This is a strict No But zone. Keep it in your mouth and/or pants.
<Makes throttling motions>
Me: "What system are you using?"
SC: "I don't know, what do you mean?"
Me: "I need to know what system you have."
SC: "I have no idea."
Me: "Ok"
( When a caller doesn't know what system/software they own I have to wake up a field tech in their area to go figure it out. Its a time consuming pain in the ass for everyone involved and ensures they won't get the help they actually need for much much longer then if they had bothered to learn. )
( I get the guy's name, location, store, etc and open up a hardware case file... )
Me: "What's the problem?"
SC: "The <name of the God damn system he owns that I asked for> system is down."
Argh! What did I ask you to begin with? You knew the answer, damn you! Why do you torment me so? Does it amuse you? What dark, cruel God do you worship that demands you inflict such suffering to appease him? Does his name start with the word "Alcoholism"?
Sigh
( This guy is the on call of a glass replacement company....it has "Glass" in the name. All he does is replace glass. The only reason we page him at night is if someone needs glass replaced. The pager he has is a work pager so it won't be paged for ANY other reason. Yet after we paged him he called in.... )
On Call Guy: "Who's this Craig?! Why do I have to call him!? What does he want?"
Oh, I don't know…..GLASS? Holy flippin monkey tits man, get a clue. Its not that hard. I don't even work for you and *I* know what it is you do based off the name of your company alone.
Vocabulary #2
( Yes....its that State again )
SC: "I need these funds dispersed to my energy company!"
…."dispersed"? What did I tell you people about trying to us big words? Stop it. Just….stop. Stick to the grunts, yips and wild gestures that you're use too. Once you get the hang of those we can see about moving you another spot to the right on the chart of human evolution. Maybe if you really put in the effort you can make "Monkey" by Christmas.
Clarity
SC: "Yeah, I saw your ad the other night during the hockey game and-"
You saw it yesterday night during the hockey game…..and it just occurred to you now at 3am the following night? This struck you as the best time to call? Well, actually, I guess when you're only working with as much brain power as you have there you've gotta leap on the few moments of mental clarity you have. Since you never know when they'll come again….if at all.
( Oh lord, its so long I have to do two posts..... o.O )
Well, there goes my morning coffee. 
.
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